Saturday, April 26, 2008

One Of Those Moments

WARNING: The following post is both incredibly crude and incredibly true. Unfortunately.

Every now and then, anyone in a relationship experiences a very real and profound moment where they ask themselves an extremely important question.

What the hell just happened?

You know those moments where something so utterly incredible occurs and your brain cannot even begin to process it.

This morning, I was in bed with my loving wife. I was just waking up and everything was perfect. It was nice and warm, and beautifully, beautifully quiet.

I took a nice, long stretch and, just as I was relaxing, I farted.

Eh, this was nothing big. All part of those natural biological...

And then Susan farted.

Actually, farted would not accurately describe what she did. I have not heard a sound like that in all my many years on this green Earth. I suddenly wondered if a fog had rolled in and we were responsible for warning passing ships.

What the hell just happened?

Still, this was my wife and I would have to treat this matter with the utmost delicacy.

[GM]Dave>> What the hell just happened?

What? That's delicate for me.

I'm not exactly known for my tact.

Susan>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> What do you mean what do I mean?
[GM]Dave>> What the hell was that sound?
Susan>> That was nothing.
[GM]Dave>> Nothing?
[GM]Dave>> I thought someone shot an elephant.
Susan>> Stop that.
Susan>> You did it.
[GM]Dave>> No. I farted.
[GM]Dave>> You sounded like the Horn of Helm Hammerhand.

Bonus points if you got the reference.

Susan>> It wasn't that bad?
[GM]Dave>> Are you joking?
[GM]Dave>> I think the neighbors called the police.
[GM]Dave>> Or animal control.
Susan>> You started it.
[GM]Dave>> I'm a man.
[GM]Dave>> We're supposed to do that.
Susan>> Well, you did it first.
Susan>> I had to retalifart.

Yes, my wife said "retalifart".

What does an aneurysm feel like?


At 8:30 PM, Blogger [GM]Dave said...

Before anyone asks:

retaliate + fart = retalifart


At 8:48 PM, Blogger B4UTRUST said...

The great horn of Hornburg blown by Helm Hammerhand, ninth king of Rohan and last king of the first line...

I'll take my bonus points and my coat now. It's the one that says ubernerd. I've got a date with a beer and my shame...

At 9:03 PM, Blogger Tony said...

"What the hell just happened?"

I think I know the answer, and why you didn't quite comprehend it.

It doesn't happen on a day-to-day basis. Well, it does, but you're usually on the good end.

Pretty sure, [gm]dave, (trying to ease you into it here)...

you got owned. she got you good.

and she's probably the only person on the planet who could (and did).

At 9:35 PM, Blogger quinn said...

very true tony, but lets not forget the second possibility. Susan might be a man, think about it. Dave met her while playing a MMORPG, and she let off a award winning fart (if a male had done it). and the baby could have been a test tube baby. tough break dave.

At 11:09 PM, Blogger Avedas said...

Nice LOTR Reference.

At 12:06 AM, Blogger Amy said...

haha Dave got pwned by his wife. See what happens when you get married?

At 2:24 AM, Blogger TallWhiteNinja said...

retalifart is now in my vocabulary: who said this blog wasn't educational?

At 2:42 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

Fun fact: given the chance, women can put men to shame in nearly every gross-out contest there is. Hell, I've seen women win distance pissing contests. Still, even if you lose, pissing off a balcony makes anyone's day.

At 2:52 AM, Blogger Camille said...

ten points to dave for a LOTR ref


At 3:34 AM, Blogger Shinkada said...


At 7:04 AM, Blogger Hulyen said...

"Fun fact: given the chance, women can put men to shame in nearly every gross-out contest there is. Hell, I've seen women win distance pissing contests. Still, even if you lose, pissing off a balcony makes anyone's day."

Two words: Crotch blood.

At 7:05 AM, Blogger Lordshadow said...

The "Retalifart" reminds me of the word I invented. A word you may have oh-so much use for.
For people who bring retarded to a level or retardation that retarded no longer describes.

At 10:28 AM, Blogger JAFO said...

Honestly, you got a keeper there. Women who are unafraid to unleash a good trouser cough without fleeing from the room and hiding in the bathroom with the faucet, shower and toilet running are truly rare. If she's giving you the dutch over treatment, a war of attrition may need to begin...beef stew anyone?

At 7:54 PM, Blogger Donomni said...

Dave? Never change.

Your underwear! Seriously, wait a few days, and then let her do the laundry.

At 8:36 PM, Blogger Alison the Amazing Thief said...

That was a pretty great word.

At 9:39 PM, Blogger Sousuke said...

Oh... wow. Dave killed my entire programming class on the Lord of the Rings reference. ^^

At 9:58 PM, Blogger Andrew said...

Hell of a woman, Dave.

At 6:24 AM, Blogger Korriban said...

Retalifart has also been added to my dictionary now. As has Omnitard.

My personal favourite contraction of the moment though is F***ing Retard into F***tard.

At 6:17 AM, Blogger Simon said...

Oh god, I laughed until I cried. That word is awesome.


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