A Brief InterludeSorry, but tonight's update will not be related to FFXI. Instead, there is a matter of grave importance that must be brought to light in order to save society.
Japanese cartoons are destroying children's minds.
There. I said it.
I know, I know. Many of you are now horribly offended, sitting there clutching your Naruto boxed set and acting like I just kicked your dog.
Calm the hell down.
I, too, enjoy Japanese cartoons, but have you actually talked to a kid lately? It's a little frightening.
If a kid can't tie his shoes, but is well versed in the intricasies of alchemy (Full Metal or otherwise), they're watching too many freaking cartoons.
Remember cartoons when we were kids? They were short and had no morals whatsoever.
And they required almost no thought at all.
Hell, the damned things actively destroyed attention span.
Today's cartoons are destroying kids' minds.
Susan's sister has a kid. Really cool little kid, but all he watches is Japanese anime.
This wouldn't be so bad if the kid didn't stop every three and a half seconds to do an introspective monologue.
One time, he was playing a video game on his Gameboy, literally in the middle of a battle, and stopped to perform a soliloquy. He lowered his Gameboy, struck some odd pose, and melodramatically asked himself how he would handle his opponent.
Do you not understand how messed up that is?
Imagine trying that at work tomorrow.
Today, we made a quick visit to Susan's sister's house. Her name is Anna. As soon as we walked in, they started chatting.
Not talking. Chatting.
I immediately began to feel faint at the dangerously high levels of estrogen and decided to flee to the safety of the living room.
There on the floor was her son, whom we shall call Jerry, and a couple of his friends. They were playing Beyblade.
Before we go any further, that brings me to point number two.
Japanese cartoons are insane.
Beyblade is a show about spinning tops.
SPINNING F%^*ING TOPS!
I feel like I'm the last sane person on the planet.
Back to our story...
Jerry sees me walk in, runs over, and hugs my leg. At this point, I was unsure what to do.
When things like this happen, I find it best to just not do anything and hopefully the awkward silence will kill them.
Jerry finally removes himself from my leg and asks if I want to play. We sit down, he hands me a top and that's when the insanity starts.
Jerry>> LET 'ER RIP!!!
[GM]Dave>> What the hell was that?
[GM]Dave>> Why are you yelling?
Jerry>> It's what you do.
[GM]Dave>> Oh... Kay.
At this point, we're sitting on the floor watching our tops spin.
Well... I was sitting on the floor. Jerry was leaned forward, literally trembling with anticipation.
And then he started yelling again.
Jerry>> BLAZING GIG ATTACK!!!
[GM]Dave>> I think your kid is having a seizure.
Jerry>> No, Uncle Dave.
Jerry>> You need to tell your top what to do.
Jerry>> That's how you battle.
[GM]Dave>> Do you go to a special school, Jerry?
[GM]Dave>> Maybe ride a short bus to school?
[GM]Dave>> Do they make you wear a helmet?
Jerry>> Uncle Davvvvvvvve
Jerry>> That's how you tell your Bit Beast what to do.
[GM]Dave>> What's a Bit Beast?
Jerry>> See that sticker on top of your Beyblade?
[GM]Dave>> You mean my spinning top?
Jerry>> ... Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> So, you're yelling at stickers.
Jerry>> I'm yelling at my Bit Beast.
[GM]Dave>> Which is a sticker.
[GM]Dave>> You're yelling at a sticker.
Jerry>> Grown ups.
Jerry>> That's the spirit that lives inside my Beyblade.
[GM]Dave>> I think I'm developing a tumor.
Jerry>> I have to yell at that spirit.
[GM]Dave>> Let's just put the whole sticker thing to the side.
[GM]Dave>> Why are you yelling?
Jerry>> I told you.
Jerry>> I have to tell him what to do.
[GM]Dave>> But why are you yelling?
[GM]Dave>> Are these stickers hard of hearing?
[GM]Dave>> Is it less crazy if you're yelling?
Jerry>> That's just what you do.
[GM]Dave>> Words fail me.
We spent the next thirty minutes playing with spinning tops.
What are we? Cavemen? Get the kid a damned PS2 or something.
We sat there for thirty minutes of my life (that I'll never get back) and he spent twenty nine of those minutes yelling at his "Beyblade".
The other minute involved an elaborate victory dance I performed after absolutely destroying him.
Who's the sticker now, bitch?