SEND OUT YER DEAD!
Children are many things.
They are reflections of everything you miss about childhood.
They are the embodiment of innocence and potential.
They are tiny little biowarfare factories.
How can something so small make so many germs? It's honestly one of the most profound questions I've ever had to consider.
It seems my daughter is sick.
I figured that out using my awesome skills of observation and the fact that her face is leaking.
This seems to be another one of those things that the parenting books don't tell you about. I don't remember reading any chapter about chasing my little girl around and trying to wipe her nose before she either rubs it on the furniture or ingests it.
Susan>> Dave! Get her!Susan>> She's going to... Ewwwww.
[GM]Dave>> Don't worry about that.[GM]Dave>> That's all nutrients.
And the coughing. What the hell?
My daughter is incredibly cute. She's the cutest little girl on the planet.
I know every parent says that, but I'm right. I don't care about your kids.
Anyway, she's very cute.
Until she coughs.
Then she looks like an 80 year old man with emphysema.
[GM]Dave>> Yes, sweetie?
Daughter>> Run down to the store and get me a pack of Luckys.
Daughter>> And some Ovaltine.
All we have to do now is hike her pants up to her armpits.
And then, as if the tiny senior citizen running around my house wasn't enough, she coughs all night and keeps herself awake.
She coughs all night and keeps ME awake.
She sleeps through it.
Hell, she sleeps through the times when she wakes up crying.
Read that sentence again. No, I did not make a mistake. She will actually sit up and cry, but be completely asleep. Then she will say something absolutely random and crazy.
[GM]Dave>> What's wrong?
Daughter>> I need to be a refrigerator.
[GM]Dave>> I have obviously drank too much or too little.
Then she falls angelically back to sleep while I'm stuck awake and questioning the mental health of an infant.
Repeat this process every hour and a half.
I have not slept in days.
She's so small.
How could she make this much trouble?