Friday, April 18, 2008

SEND OUT YER DEAD!

Children are many things.

They are reflections of everything you miss about childhood.

They are the embodiment of innocence and potential.

They are tiny little biowarfare factories.

How can something so small make so many germs? It's honestly one of the most profound questions I've ever had to consider.

It seems my daughter is sick.

I figured that out using my awesome skills of observation and the fact that her face is leaking.

This seems to be another one of those things that the parenting books don't tell you about. I don't remember reading any chapter about chasing my little girl around and trying to wipe her nose before she either rubs it on the furniture or ingests it.

Susan>> Dave! Get her!
Susan>> She's going to... Ewwwww.
[GM]Dave>> Don't worry about that.
[GM]Dave>> That's all nutrients.

And the coughing. What the hell?

My daughter is incredibly cute. She's the cutest little girl on the planet.

I know every parent says that, but I'm right. I don't care about your kids.

Anyway, she's very cute.

Until she coughs.

Then she looks like an 80 year old man with emphysema.

Daughter>> Daddy?
[GM]Dave>> Yes, sweetie?
Daughter>> *COUGH*
Daughter>> Run down to the store and get me a pack of Luckys.
Daughter>> And some Ovaltine.

All we have to do now is hike her pants up to her armpits.

And then, as if the tiny senior citizen running around my house wasn't enough, she coughs all night and keeps herself awake.

Wait...

She coughs all night and keeps ME awake.

She sleeps through it.

Hell, she sleeps through the times when she wakes up crying.

Read that sentence again. No, I did not make a mistake. She will actually sit up and cry, but be completely asleep. Then she will say something absolutely random and crazy.

[GM]Dave>> What's wrong?
Daughter>> I need to be a refrigerator.
Daughter>> *whimper*
[GM]Dave>> I...
[GM]Dave>> I have obviously drank too much or too little.

Then she falls angelically back to sleep while I'm stuck awake and questioning the mental health of an infant.

Repeat this process every hour and a half.

I have not slept in days.

She's so small.

How could she make this much trouble?

11 Comments:

At 9:43 PM, Blogger Justin said...

More than anything dave, i'd be afraid if she's this talkative/intelligent already. She IS YOUR daughter after all.

 
At 11:12 PM, Blogger rob said...

yeah wait till she grows up and starts bringing the boys around. if you are still writing then i will definitely read that one

 
At 5:09 AM, Blogger HervĂ© said...

She seems to grow twice as fast as other kids out there. That's great, means she won't annoy you for too long...

 
At 6:45 AM, Blogger Ulli said...

How old is she now anyways?

 
At 10:54 AM, Blogger Kat said...

lol, I think Dave musta switched his kid with another kid at the last doctor visit. Screw the 4 month old... let's fastward through the crappy stuff and take this 4 year old home. The 4 month old will manage somehow....

He got tired of cleaning up all the poop, so he upgraded to an already potty trained kid! :)

 
At 2:41 PM, Blogger Nik said...

Yup, Dave must have gotten his skill upgraded from
Simple Weapon Proficiency (Infant)
to
Advanced Weapon Proficiency (Small Child)

 
At 3:43 PM, Blogger Leut said...

At least you got some time before you have to start buying her.....ugh.....I don't know if I can even say it.....tamp-... uh... taamm-

Nope. I can't.

 
At 10:16 PM, Blogger Camille said...

just curious.. isn't the line "bring out your dead"??

o well.. i love reading the stories about being a new parent.. i used to babysit entirely way too much for my own health and have had my own .. "experiences" as i like to call them..

plus it always makes me smile when the dads come running out of the changing room with horrified faces asking/begging for any excuse to flee...

has she started target practice yet? that in combination with the poop, vom, and other bodily fluids seeping out of every crack makes for fun times.....

heh.

 
At 5:15 PM, Blogger kalupacome said...

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At 6:34 PM, Blogger Djuan said...

Do it for the kids Dave :D

Anywho just tell her that snot isn't good for her lol.

 
At 1:29 AM, Blogger L.C.W. said...

OMG, I laughed so hard I drooled all over myself.

But that might just be the pain killers.

Or the jokes.

 

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