Saturday, October 21, 2006

The Ass Hat

Okay, I'm going to make this as clear as possible. Try to pay attention.






Now, I want everyone to stop, take a nice deep breath, and then stop being retarded.

I'll wait.

Done? Good.

It's just a hat. Yes, yes. I know we all like hats.

[GM]Dave is pro-headwear.

Yay hats.

And, even better, it's a free hat.

Who wouldn't want a free hat?

But a free hat is no reason to lose your goddamned mind and go absolutely retarded. It really isn't.

Right now, there are people in every starting city who are:

a) selling sweets at a grossly inflated rate
b) being stupid enough to actually buy these items at a grossly inflated rate
c) not even aware of what's going on, but following ghosts anyway
d) going absolutely insane because everyone has a hat except them

See, if you're one of these people, then you need to stop breathing right now. Go on. Stop breathing.

It would be pointless to continue wasting oxygen on you.

Oh my goodness, someone stepped in your way and you didn't get a hat.

Does anyone have a tissue? I'm getting all misty eyed just thinking about your suffering.

Do you really expect me to care that you didn't get a silly party hat?

What are you? Four?

This event is supposed to be fun. You run around town, chase some ghosts, and get some fun items. It's intended to be enjoyable.

That's why we called it an event. If it wasn't meant to be fun, we'd have called it something else.

Like WoW for instance.

Yet, I continue to get the most moronic calls from the most moronic players.

Seriously. The GM call queue looks like a class list at a school for the mentally challenged.

And it's all people whining about hats.

How do I get a hat? How do I get the good hat? How do the hats work?

It's enough to drive a man insane.

My personal favorites are the calls about how someone ruined your event. Like you're the only one on the damned server or something.

Just as I was about to head out for lunch (read: heavy, heavy drinking), I got another of these winners sending me a GM call.

GM Call Description: Player ruined halloween event quest. Help!

Why an exclamation point?


Being stupid is one thing. But mishandling punctuation in such a manner...

This would not do.

I immediately logged in and warped to his location. As a representative of the game and its parent company, I felt it was my duty to educate this user on the finer points of grammar and punctuation.

Also, I may give him a crash course on the digestive system of a large dragon.

As time permits.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you're waiting for the Great Pumpkin.
Player>> What?
Player>> No, that's not me.
[GM]Dave>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> Are you sure?
Player>> Pretty sure, yeah.
[GM]Dave>> That's weird.
[GM]Dave>> I got two GM calls from this server.
[GM]Dave>> One was about the Great Pumpkin...
[GM]Dave>> And the other was about being a total freakin' retard.
[GM]Dave>> (( Hmmm ))
[GM]Dave>> Oh... My bad.
Player>> Listen. This guy ruined my event.
Player>> He got in my way and I lost my costume.
[GM]Dave>> Wow. Great story.
[GM]Dave>> I wonder who'll play you in the movie version.
Player>> This is serious.
[GM]Dave>> No. This is a waste of my time.
[GM]Dave>> You can tell the difference because one doesn't involve whisky.
Player>> Would you just fix it?
Player>> I didn't get my hat.

[GM]Dave>> Do you like Justin Timberlake?
Player>> Not really.
Player>> Why?
[GM]Dave>> Cry me a river...
[GM]Dave>> Oh!
[GM]Dave>> Cry me a river...
Player>> Stop that.
[GM]Dave>> Oh!
Player>> Stop that!
[GM]Dave>> Listen, moron... Do you mind if I call you moron?
Player>> YES, I MIND!
[GM]Dave>> Listen, moron. I don't really give a damn about your hat.
[GM]Dave>> Actually, I don't give a damn about you in general.
[GM]Dave>> Wait...
[GM]Dave>> Nope. Thought I started to care there for a second.
[GM]Dave>> But no.
Player>> This is ridiculous!!!
[GM]Dave>> I'd also like to have a discussion with you about punctuation.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> I'm referring to your odd obsession with exclamation points.
[GM]Dave>> You do realize that's a bannable offense, don't you?
Player>> What?
Player>> You can get banned for that?
[GM]Dave>> You can get banned for a lot of things.
[GM]Dave>> I banned a guy earlier for using a double negative.
Player>> You're insane!
[GM]Dave>> That's what he didn't not said.
Player>> I...
Player>> I just wanted my hat.
[GM]Dave>> I'll tell you what...
[GM]Dave>> How about I give you a special event item?
Player>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> Sure.
[GM]Dave>> Why not?
Player>> Okay!
[GM]Dave>> Again with the exclamation points?
[GM]Dave>> Really?
Player>> Sorry.
[GM]Dave>> Here's your item.

Player obtains a Trick or Treat Stave.

Player>> Holy crap!!!
Player>> What's it do?
[GM]Dave>> Try equipping it.
Player>> Okay...


Player>> What happened?
Player>> Where am I?
[GM]Dave>> Trick or treat.

Jormungand hits Player for 16,863 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.
Player falls to level 47.

[GM]Dave>> I think that was a trick.
[GM]Dave>> It's hard to tell with Jormy.


I really, really hate these events.

Actually... It's not the events that I hate. The events would be absolutely perfect.

If it weren't for the people.


At 8:56 PM, Blogger Hyopyofu said...

Nice post. I for one refuse to participate in any events anymore. Most are pointless. Anyway, nice to see Jormy got a treat.

At 9:16 PM, Blogger Myloko said...

Jormy likes Halloween too! :D

At 9:20 PM, Blogger Zarquon said...

I've always hated the Holiday events. Roughly five years ago, I started playing FFXI. And I just happened to start playing during the first Easter Egg Event. Now, the terrible things about these events are as follows:
1: The lag you get from three hundred players all crowding around one moogle
2: No one is interested in anything but getting a useless event item
3: The prices for certain items skyrocket
4: They were designed to appeal to everybody, which means that everybody is going to hate them and complain loudly about them, while scrambling to get that +1 Santa Hat.

I was brand spanking new at FFXI, and I got no help with anything from anybody, not even the simplest questions, because everybody was busy selling Retard Eggs for tens of thousands of gil. Ever since then, I have hated Square Enix's holiday events; it's also why I'll go out of my way to help a noob.

Funny story about one particular noob, a 51 THF stopped me and inquired after my Empress Pin the other day. I told him it dropped off of Valkurm Emperor, and he asked me what area he spawned in. It was immediately clear to me that he had bought his account, and I directed him towards the far north end of Beaucedine Glacier. Roughly an hour later I got an angry tell from the idiot demanding to know why I lied to him, after which he asked me to come out and raise him. I'm pretty sure his frozen corpse is still out there, buried under a glacier.

At 11:15 PM, Blogger Dyamalos said...

...clear to me that he had bought his account, and I directed him towards the far north end of Beaucedine Glacier...

Huh, had a Dave moment huh?

Seriously, I can't wait 'till I run into another account buyer. they always say something stupid that tips you off.

Then again, I've seen players that have been on the game for years and still say something stupid...

On to the events. The First and last event I ever participated in was Summerfest the first time it was in the US. got two of the body pieces. In the long run, I realized I wasted most of my time. Here are the pros and cons of events:

Pros: Jeuno doesn't lag!
Con: All the start cities lag.

Pro: Less competition for EXP monsters/parties.
Con: Less Parties in general.

I say they can chill and do the events. but the problem is, most people go ape shit when one happens.

The only event I regretted not doing was the one to get the "Lucky Egg"

At 12:01 AM, Blogger Shadow said...

[GM]Dave>> You can get banned for a lot of things.
[GM]Dave>> I banned a guy earlier for using a double negative

The English language: 1
Assclowns: 0

Thank you for keeping the masses from completely destroying what's left of the mother tongue.

I'm also wondering if Jormy feels left out without a costume....not that his regular self isn't frightening enough.

At 12:25 AM, Blogger Sutaru said...

As I've often stated before, I love your blog, but because I read it, I opted to avoid this game lest my clumsiness manifests itself as mental retardation. Still, against my better judgement, I bought it the other day and wow... It took me a mere hour to run into one of the retards you've been writing so much about.

At 1:51 AM, Blogger Argentos of Windurst said...

Why do people use the {/follow} command on the ghosts and then go afk for hours on end, creating a massive and unnecessary train of moronic mentally challenged characters in their wake?

At 5:04 AM, Blogger Kolid said...

[GM]Dave>> You can get banned for a lot of things.
[GM]Dave>> I banned a guy earlier for using a double negative.
Player>> You're insane!
[GM]Dave>> That's what he didn't not said.

Haha, that just made my day GM Dave. I was doing the Halloween event close to the ghosts, and someone started cursing me out in /tell...

Keep up the good work GM Dave! ^^

(Did I use that Exclamation point in the right way?)

At 5:50 AM, Blogger Aerisrannara of Fairy said...

Lococolt... Its the same reason people put the Galkan guard in Port Jeuno that paces back and forth on /follow. The NPCs won't gear-change on them and send them running off into the middle of nowhere.

And they think they are "being cool" because they can put an NPC on follow.

About the events... I like them. Yeah.. I'm crazy.. but they are fun. Alot of my irl friends are just starting to play the game, so its something to do with them, other than get harrassed for a PL.

At 8:09 AM, Blogger ColdhartedRagnarok said...

very clever

At 8:26 AM, Blogger Idalia said...


every event was designed in some way to piss off the player, i'm sure.

hunting (shouting for endless hours) for eggs or cards was never considered to be "enjoyable" to me.

though i did have fun with the partnered events... except when all you got were thirteen popstars at the end of all your fucking trouble, it became a lot less fun doing it all over again.

ffxi can go to hell this halloween.

At 12:41 PM, Blogger Friend said...

"[GM]Dave>> I banned a guy earlier for using a double negative." didn't made me not laugh. :p

At 12:41 PM, Blogger Friend said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 2:21 PM, Blogger WanderingJ said...

[GM]Dave>> Trick or treat.

Jormungand hits Player for 16,863 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.
Player falls to level 47.

Every time damage happens, I can't help but think of a funny sound effect for it, like a very loud WHOMP!

Trick or treat. *WHOMP!*

At 2:52 PM, Blogger Guankim said...

Oh, I love that! Uses: 1/1 -- Teleport: Jormy - Lose Y XP. (Y = amount needed to de-level)

You should've put Jormy in a Moogle costume, with name "Event Moogle" just for him to run up and talk to, and when Target PC talks to Moogle, it reveals its true nature as the evil Event Moogle is exorcised, and then Jormy has lunch. xD

At 5:15 PM, Blogger Ebriosae said...

You know you'd think that eventually Jormy would get full and need a break on event days....they must be just like halloween to him with all the multiflavored players he gets to eat.

At 6:56 PM, Blogger Eirwen said...

Great one today, Dave. Good to see eve Jormy gets into the event.

Last year, it was my first time at the Harvest Festival. I was just playing the game for a month and was residing in Bastok for days, raising fame by doing quests to eventually be able to get the Warp scroll. Some of the items that the ghosts and skeletons gave had Warp on them. It was fun using them whilst I did not have the Warp scroll yet, but after I got it, the staves collected dust in my storage space.

But I am lazy, and I still have them. Yesterday, I took out one of the staves which had a limited amount of times it could be used and I used them all up.

I like this holiday. it was my first on FFXI and free items are always great.

At 7:07 PM, Blogger ladydyani said...

I want a hat!

I don't play FF, but I like hats.

At 8:00 PM, Blogger Kikadper said...

But.. I LOVE the great pumpkin D: I would wear it as a hat.

At 8:24 PM, Blogger Rajsela said...

Its annoying. People shouting how to get the items and I usually say its random and they still don't get a grip. A guy tells me.

Him>How did you get that staff!?
Me>Umm trade a sweet to the monsters running around the area...
Him> >.>
Me>Its random.

At 6:52 PM, Blogger Kittos said...

\(^_^)/ yay for useless events!!!
haha X_X i love jormy

At 2:34 PM, Blogger Ziomal said...

Very nice! I like it. office chairs

At 3:40 AM, Blogger Speackhuggare said...

I wish Lineage2 had GM's like GM Dave.

At 7:30 AM, Blogger Yanni said...

See, the only problem I have here is that the good stuff is whiskey

At 11:10 AM, Blogger NorthRockHead said...

so if I make a stupid gm request what are the odds your going to show up and make me feel like a moron for trying? I have only used a gm call once and that was for a really dumbass item as well it turns out. I just hadn't looked around enough to get it on my own. Maybe GM's should be renamed "Dumbass Moderators" (DM)



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