Bannable Offenses

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

No, no, no. Susan and I are not breaking up.

Put your panties back on, ladies.

Yeah, you too. Yes, you, the Manthra in Philadelphia.

That's just sick.

No, today's update is about one of the strangest parts of the GM's job.

I mean, I spend all day dealing with gil buyers, gil seller, and various other retards. That stuff is annoying.

But not strange.

The strange part of my job comes when people try to get me involved in their personal matters. People will actually call a GM during the middle of a fight or break up.

Think about that for a second.

They're calling a GM because they're having a spat.

And why does this happen?

Because some part of the human brain seems to die when you fall in "love" with another person.

That part of the brain is the one in charge of saying "Hey, maybe I shouldn't let her borrow these O. Kote."

But, no. That part of your brain just up and dies, and you're handing over all your stuff to someone you barely know.

Well... Maybe it doesn't die.

In guys, at least, that part simply atrophies as blood is directed to other parts of the body.

You know what I'm talking about.

Then, one of you does something stupid. It's inevitable really.

I mean, you were retarded enough to give this person all of your stuff. I can't expect you to be intelligent enough to avoid relationship trouble.

But now, you have a problem. See, they have all of your stuff and now they don't like you. So, they won't give it back.

Would you give millions of gil worth of items to someone you don't like?

Of course you would.

You're retarded.

So, what do you do in this situation?

That's right. You go through your inventory, make a mental note of what you've lost, and chalk it all up to a valuable lesson. You can learn from this.

Okay, go on. Open your menu and go to your inventory.

Wait...

What are you doing?

That's not your inventory.

That's the HELP DESK!

*DING*

You son of a bitch.

GM Call Description: Ex Stole All Of My Items.

I hate you. I really, really hate you.

What is so hard to understand about this? Never give anything away that you really need.

Ever.

Yes, I know. You two were in love and it was so beautiful and you just wanted to show that other person how much they mean to you.

Congratulations. You did something extremely stupid in the name of love.

Now, the love is gone. What does that leave us with?

Something extremely stupid.

You never get anything back when you break up. You don't get back your favorite t-shirt or that DVD you left at their house.

Why did you think your scorpion harness would be any different?

But, no. Now, I have to listen to some emo moron whine about his ex-girlfriend.

Man, I love my job.

Note to self: buy gun later.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you lost your girlfriend.
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Okay. I just have one question.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> How exactly did you get a girlfriend?
[GM]Dave>> Was there money involved?
[GM]Dave>> For 5 gil, did she love you long time?
Player>> What?!
Player>> NO!
[GM]Dave>> Cause I've heard stories about gil sellers.
[GM]Dave>> They'll do pretty much anything.
Player>> It wasn't like that.
[GM]Dave>> Oh... I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> Did he love you long time?
Player>> It was a she.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, yeah. You're right.
[GM]Dave>> She was probably a woman.
Player>> Thank you.
[GM]Dave>> You don't get sarcasm, do you?
Player>> SHE WAS A WOMAN!
[GM]Dave>> Oh, did you meet her in real life?
Player>> ... No.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> You're totally gay now.
Player>> I'm not gay!
[GM]Dave>> It's cool, man.
[GM]Dave>> Whatever floats your boat.
Player>> KNOCK THAT OFF!
Player>> My ex-GIRLFRIEND stole my stuff.
Player>> I want it back.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, yes, sir. Right away, sir.
Player>> That's better.
[GM]Dave>> Let me just check something real quick.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Yeah, apparently I'm not caring.
Player>> But she stole my stuff!
[GM]Dave>> No.
[GM]Dave>> You went retarded and gave her your stuff.
[GM]Dave>> Now, it's her stuff.
Player>> I WANT IT BACK!
[GM]Dave>> I want a pony.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, we're both getting shafted.
Player>> You have to do something.
[GM]Dave>> Well, I do have some good news.
Player>> ...
Player>> What's that?
[GM]Dave>> I've fixed your love life.
Player>> What?
Player>> I don't understand...

*warp*

Player>> Oh crap!
Player>> Where am I?
[GM]Dave>> Meet your new girlfriend.

Shiva uses Diamond Dust.
Player takes 28,006 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Shiva.

[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> She can be a little cold.

Get it? Cold? Cause Shiva uses ice.

You people have no sense of humor.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 7:20 PM