[GM]Dave Goes OutsideAlternate Title: "There are no spawn points in RL."
Today was my day off.
Did I get to spend the day partying? Crafting? Questing?
I had to go to the damned DMV.
For those of you who play 23 hours a day, those rectangular things in the walls around you are doors.
They lead to the outside world. A world full of fresh air and natural sunlight.
Just saying it makes me ill.
But, alas, I was forced into the "real" world and actually had to interact with other human beings.
This is never a good thing.
If you think I have a low tolerance for stupidity in game, you cannot even comprehend the infinitesimal amount of patience I have for the meat puppets in the real world.
Anyone know where I can pick up a dragon?
So, I head out and immediately, I'm assaulted by a flying newspaper.
This is strange as I do not actually subscribe to a newspaper. I mean who in the hell still reads hardcopy?
I decided to correct the paperboy by waving my hand and talking to him.
Except replace "waving my hand" with "throwing a rock".
And replace "talking to him" with "knocking him unconscious".
Dave 1, World 0.
I will admit, he looked confused as he awoke to a strange man screaming "STONE III, PUNK!"
A second rock took care of that.
Having survived my first ordeal, I get in my car and hit the freeway. During the ten minute drive, I am almost killed 6 times by other "drivers".
I use quotation marks because what they were doing can only be considered driving in the most liberal sense of the word.
I made a mental note to ban them later.
Old habits die hard.
Still avoiding the hapless idiots who somehow managed to start their cars, I see my exit coming up.
Haha, bitches. I survived.
Dave 2, World 0.
I arrive at the DMV to find all of the parking spots are heavily camped. As soon as one appears, it's instantly claimed.
Damned car botters.
Dave 2, World 1.
With a sigh, I step into the building.
And into a giant line up.
Dave 2, World 2.
Someone tries to cut the line and claim the ??? before his turn.
A quick clothesline to the trachea reaffirms his understanding of the line system.
Dave 3, World 2.
I finally get to the head of the line.
The counter NPC finally opens up and I rush up to her.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, DMV maiden.
DMVLady>> Excuse me?
[GM]Dave>> Force of habit.
[GM]Dave>> I need to renew my Ballista license.
DMVLady>> Your what?
[GM]Dave>> Driver's License.
DMVLady>> Okay, sir.
DMVLady>> I need your 34-A form.
DMVLady>> The form you were supposed to get.
DMVLady>> Before you got in line.
[GM]Dave>> And suppose I don't have this form.
DMVLady>> Suppose I told you to jump up your own ass.
[GM]Dave>> How graphic.
[GM]Dave>> I'll just go get that form then.
Apparently, I seem to have forgotten a key item.
Dave 3, World 3.
I go and get the infinitely important 34-A form. Worlds obviously hang in the balance.
Quickly filling it out, I head back to the counter.
And aggro an Orcish Fatlady.
OrcishFatlady>> Wait your turn!
[GM]Dave>> I've already been here.
OrcishFatlady>> I don't give a rat's ass!
[GM]Dave>> Well, thank god.
[GM]Dave>> Who would honestly give a rat's ass?
This momentarily stunned her. Luckily, it lasted long enough for me to push past her and get back to the counter.
[GM]Dave>> Here's your form.
[GM]Dave>> Make with the license.
DMVLady>> I'm sorry.
DMVLady>> This is form 34-B.
[GM]Dave>> Wow. Great story.
[GM]Dave>> I wonder who'll play me in the movie.
[GM]Dave>> License. Now.
DMVLady>> I can't renew a license without form 34-A.
Dave 3, World 4.
DMVLady>> Didn't you notice you had the wrong one?
[GM]Dave>> I will admit...
[GM]Dave>> I didn't get the pregnancy questions.
DMVLady>> And that didn't tip you off?
[GM]Dave>> I don't know your primitive rituals.
[GM]Dave>> I thought you were just being thorough.
DMVLady>> I'm sorry, sir.
DMVLady>> No form, no license.
[GM]Dave>> I swear...
[GM]Dave>> If I had a dragon right now.
DMVLady>> Can I direct you to our complaints manager?
[GM]Dave>> Why does this seem familiar?
It was at that point that a large burly man grabbed me by the back of the neck and carried me outside.
Physically carried me.
Dave 3, World 5.
Defeated, I drove home, stepped over the still unconscious paperboy, and went back into my house.
My nice, safe house.
I then proceeded to ban every player that sent a GM call that entire night.
Every single player.
One guy got permabanned for getting stuck behind a table at a tavern in San d'Oria.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
Player>> Hi, there.
Player>> I'm stuck behind a table.
[GM]Dave>> Do you have form 34-A?