Tuesday, June 13, 2006

[GM]Dave Goes Outside

Alternate Title: "There are no spawn points in RL."

Today was my day off.

Did I get to spend the day partying? Crafting? Questing?


I had to go to the damned DMV.

For those of you who play 23 hours a day, those rectangular things in the walls around you are doors.

They lead to the outside world. A world full of fresh air and natural sunlight.

Just saying it makes me ill.

But, alas, I was forced into the "real" world and actually had to interact with other human beings.

This is never a good thing.

If you think I have a low tolerance for stupidity in game, you cannot even comprehend the infinitesimal amount of patience I have for the meat puppets in the real world.

Anyone know where I can pick up a dragon?

So, I head out and immediately, I'm assaulted by a flying newspaper.

This is strange as I do not actually subscribe to a newspaper. I mean who in the hell still reads hardcopy?

I decided to correct the paperboy by waving my hand and talking to him.

Except replace "waving my hand" with "throwing a rock".

And replace "talking to him" with "knocking him unconscious".

Dave 1, World 0.

I will admit, he looked confused as he awoke to a strange man screaming "STONE III, PUNK!"

A second rock took care of that.

Having survived my first ordeal, I get in my car and hit the freeway. During the ten minute drive, I am almost killed 6 times by other "drivers".

I use quotation marks because what they were doing can only be considered driving in the most liberal sense of the word.

I made a mental note to ban them later.

Old habits die hard.

Still avoiding the hapless idiots who somehow managed to start their cars, I see my exit coming up.

Haha, bitches. I survived.

Dave 2, World 0.

I arrive at the DMV to find all of the parking spots are heavily camped. As soon as one appears, it's instantly claimed.

Damned car botters.

Dave 2, World 1.

With a sigh, I step into the building.

And into a giant line up.


Dave 2, World 2.

Someone tries to cut the line and claim the ??? before his turn.

A quick clothesline to the trachea reaffirms his understanding of the line system.

Dave 3, World 2.

I finally get to the head of the line.

The counter NPC finally opens up and I rush up to her.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, DMV maiden.
DMVLady>> Excuse me?
[GM]Dave>> Force of habit.
[GM]Dave>> I need to renew my Ballista license.
DMVLady>> Your what?
[GM]Dave>> DAMMIT.
[GM]Dave>> Driver's License.
DMVLady>> Okay, sir.
DMVLady>> I need your 34-A form.
[GM]Dave>> Form?
DMVLady>> The form you were supposed to get.
DMVLady>> Before you got in line.
[GM]Dave>> Ah.
[GM]Dave>> And suppose I don't have this form.
DMVLady>> Suppose I told you to jump up your own ass.
[GM]Dave>> How graphic.
[GM]Dave>> I'll just go get that form then.

Apparently, I seem to have forgotten a key item.

Dave 3, World 3.

I go and get the infinitely important 34-A form. Worlds obviously hang in the balance.

Quickly filling it out, I head back to the counter.

And aggro an Orcish Fatlady.

OrcishFatlady>> Wait your turn!
[GM]Dave>> I've already been here.
OrcishFatlady>> I don't give a rat's ass!
[GM]Dave>> Well, thank god.
[GM]Dave>> Who would honestly give a rat's ass?

This momentarily stunned her. Luckily, it lasted long enough for me to push past her and get back to the counter.

[GM]Dave>> Here's your form.
[GM]Dave>> Make with the license.
DMVLady>> I'm sorry.
DMVLady>> This is form 34-B.
[GM]Dave>> Wow. Great story.
[GM]Dave>> I wonder who'll play me in the movie.
[GM]Dave>> License. Now.
DMVLady>> I can't renew a license without form 34-A.

Dave 3, World 4.

DMVLady>> Didn't you notice you had the wrong one?
[GM]Dave>> I will admit...
[GM]Dave>> I didn't get the pregnancy questions.
DMVLady>> And that didn't tip you off?
[GM]Dave>> I don't know your primitive rituals.
[GM]Dave>> I thought you were just being thorough.
DMVLady>> I'm sorry, sir.
DMVLady>> No form, no license.
[GM]Dave>> I swear...
[GM]Dave>> If I had a dragon right now.
DMVLady>> Can I direct you to our complaints manager?
[GM]Dave>> Why does this seem familiar?

It was at that point that a large burly man grabbed me by the back of the neck and carried me outside.

Physically carried me.

Dave 3, World 5.

Defeated, I drove home, stepped over the still unconscious paperboy, and went back into my house.

My nice, safe house.

I then proceeded to ban every player that sent a GM call that entire night.

Every single player.

One guy got permabanned for getting stuck behind a table at a tavern in San d'Oria.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
Player>> Hi, there.
Player>> I'm stuck behind a table.
[GM]Dave>> Do you have form 34-A?


At 3:58 AM, Blogger RK said...

bureaucracy = nuissance :x
it's needed, but cant they make it simpler?

btw, great blog :)
you're quite a writer

At 4:07 AM, Blogger Inia said...

Love to start my mornings with a nice healthy dose of [GM]Dave.

This was wonderful!

I wasn't looking forward to my own trip to the DMV to get my license renewed before, and now... *sigh*

At 4:08 AM, Blogger The Tricky God said...

A shame there are laws against drenching a building in lighter fluid and gasoline and then chucking in a Molotov Cocktail, but then again if you yell out “Fire 3!” loud enough you might be able to pull off the insanity plea.

At 4:09 AM, Blogger Ristle said...

God, those OrcishFatlady's piss me off. They need to aggro a stairmaster.

At 4:14 AM, Blogger sngirl said...

Ugh, the DMV. >_<

"You need 6 points of identification such as your passport." Fine go to passport office.

"You need some additional identification such as your driver's license."

This could be a problem... u.u

Great blog. :D

At 4:37 AM, Blogger Zerran said...

I arrive at the DMV to find all of the parking spots are heavily camped. As soon as one appears, it's instantly claimed.

Damned car botters.

Lol, so true. As always, awesome job Dave keep up the great stories.

At 4:43 AM, Blogger Dyamalos said...

I'm still using my intermediate restricted license even though I'm 18 and have been for about 5 months because I don't want to go to the DMV...

At 5:15 AM, Blogger BuzZ said...


At 5:23 AM, Blogger Jennifer said...

lol, yea going to the dmv sucks.

At 5:28 AM, Blogger Dramanue of Fenrir said...

I just wish I had a license... or knew how to drive... ; ;

~returns to listening to Linkin Park and Blue October as he slices at his arm in tears~

At 6:23 AM, Blogger freezinglimbo said...

Oh dear god. I had to go to the DMV yesterday. Really wish I could have seen this first. I was laughing so hard I started to cry.

At 6:47 AM, Blogger Thistle said...

So happy that I read your blog BEFORE going to work. I laughed at so much of this, it would have been hard to explain to coworkers!

I will admit, he looked confused as he awoke to a strange man screaming "STONE III, PUNK!"


At 7:28 AM, Blogger Loki said...

Dramanue of Fenrir said:
~returns to listening to Linkin Park and Blue October as he slices at his arm in tears~

Must be a DRK.

Anyhow, great blog this morning. Hate the DMV.

At 7:32 AM, Blogger dickkead said...

So you went from the greatest day ever to the worst day ever, nice.

Also, I find it funny how you bash on players for being uneducated or "retarded" as to what to do in a game that most of them are new at, yet in the functioning World, you are the "retarded" one that everyone else has to "deal with".

Hypocrisy or irony?

At 7:43 AM, Blogger Nux said...

Must be in CA. I've been to the DMV here and can't believe I survived. (Thought I was special)

At 7:59 AM, Blogger [GM]Dave said...

Dear Dickkead,

You "don't" have to "use" quotation "marks" for "every" other "word."

Have a "good" day,

At 8:01 AM, Blogger Lazria said...

Atleast I'm not the only person to deal with the mindless n00bs at the DMV.......

Or the Highway n00bs....I need a tank...

...keep up the good work

At 8:09 AM, Blogger Rich said...

Loki: Damn it, you beat me to it!

Dickkead: You fail. At everything. Get over it.

At 9:12 AM, Blogger Feba said...

I need to... but they need my Birth Certificate and Proof of Social Security Number.

Yes, they need proof that I have a social security number. How retarded is that? The number is the proof, morons!

At 9:21 AM, Blogger Onionsoilder said...

"I just wish I had a license... or knew how to drive... ; ;

~returns to listening to Linkin Park and Blue October as he slices at his arm in tears~ "

Oh nozes! Another Emo Demon!

Oh wait, this isn't Goblin Smithy's blog...

At 10:16 AM, Blogger Myloko said...

I don't think i've ever had to fill out a form at the DMV... but maybe that's cause I live in Canada and most DMV places are dead at any time of the day ^^v

At 10:59 AM, Blogger Lokkin said...

Lol, excellent Dave, I lolled.

"[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
Player>> Hi, there.
Player>> I'm stuck behind a table.
[GM]Dave>> Do you have form 34-A?"

Gotta love it.

At 11:12 AM, Blogger WindexHamster said...

This is easily the best post in this entire blog.


Just marvelous. XD

At 1:00 PM, Blogger lithpiperpilot said...

AMAZING! This was the funnies blog i've read yet! keep it up!

At 1:31 PM, Blogger Mint said...

I concur. Most laugh-worthy entry yet. I seldom read anything twice but I did this time :/

At 2:31 PM, Blogger DeaconBlue said...

gah when i have to go to the DMV I stand in a line to GET the form :P.

The world fails at life sometimes...

At 3:08 PM, Blogger Stocky said...

Those damned car bots, I swear people use them, why can people never get a parking space? :X

Gogo scooters!

At 3:49 PM, Blogger telliani said...

hmm.. apparently i already have an account.

anywho... Poor dave :/ sounds like you live somewhere not in the country, because my DMV takes a max of 20 minutes *Ducks any incoming projectiles* Took me 3 hours to get my drivers license in ny though 10 years ago.

At 4:10 PM, Blogger faker said...

Wow, something new. How is that so, unfamiliar?

At 4:35 PM, Blogger Pinchloaf said...

This is soooo true. The DMV in my area is made up almost entirely of these types of Orcs. Why are they always spiteful...and fugly?

My favorite quote has always been the one I saw on a bumper: "Losing faith in humanity, one person at a time."

At 7:34 PM, Blogger High Hopes said...

Eaisly one of the funniest posts. Fucking DMV.

At 8:26 PM, Blogger Suki said...

LOL great blog, a very good choice in words!

At 9:48 PM, Blogger crazeekat said...

GM Dave you are a great talent. I hate sucking up too anyone so... yeah that's all ya get :)

At 10:22 PM, Blogger JeBe said...

*note to self* Must never go out...

At 11:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

DMVLady>> Can I direct you to our complaints manager?
[GM]Dave>> Why does this seem familiar?

All my 5 are b'long to you. *****

At 1:07 AM, Blogger Aeriel said...

"DMVLady>> Can I direct you to our complaints manager?
[GM]Dave>> Why does this seem familiar?"

OMG that had me in stitches, godlike skills as usual dave

Long live king [GM]Dave!

At 1:41 AM, Blogger JockDoom said...

Best post for a while there Dave, keep it coming!

Incidentaly, I got stuck beside an Orcish Fat Lady on the tube this morning, what I would've done for a scroll of deoderise.....

At 1:49 AM, Blogger MelkorTheStrong said...

While this particular post does seem a bit..far fetched, it is also funny as hell. So good work Dave. You'll kill the world in round 2.

At 3:19 AM, Blogger Cloud Leonhart said...

Wow that was the best thing I ever read. I'm sure you'll think I fit in with the tards now but I litterally fell out of my chair laughing at this post.

At 5:05 AM, Blogger dickkead said...

Dear [GM]Dave,

I was quoting the words you use more than 30 times in every fucking post (read: bitchy crying session) you write. Everyone thinks you're just being a dick, but you're really just being a crybaby.

Yeah, I find the stuff funny. I give you credit for that, but I definately don't think it's real, or want to have little [GM]Dave babies.

As for Jiral, suck my nuts.

At 5:16 AM, Blogger BuzZ said...

Dear Dikkead,

You are retarded. And a hater - but so am I - so lets stick to the former.


At 6:20 AM, Blogger Bellemithra said...


This was definately one of your better blogs. I got coffee on my moniter too. =)

At 9:07 AM, Blogger Fircefairy said...

LMAO That was great! (So damn TRUE it is scary as well!) ~shudders~

At 9:08 PM, Blogger Julia said...

Oh, this was wonderful. Not just the accuracy of annoyances from going to the DMV, but the game-to-real life comparisons, such as the Orcish Fatlady, the counter NPC, and the parking lot botters. Absolutely my favorite blog by you so far.

At 11:17 PM, Blogger leonoxx said...

we need to bash Dickkead more, its funny how he pisses himself when he gets a humorous response from dave himself. I on the otherhand would rather enjoy a bash or two from the man. ^_^

btw, phenomenal post, really should learn not to read these when people are trying to sleep...

At 10:44 PM, Blogger Idalia said...

i'll have to agree with the others. this is by far one of, if not THE greatest blog you've written.

i haven't laughed that hard in a while.

At 7:49 PM, Blogger Raven said...

I can honestly say this is one of my favorites of your posts [GM]Dave. I couldn't stop laughing for awhile by the time I finished. I was in tears, it was great.

You are truly gifted, and I praise you on your tales.

Dickhead, do us all a big favor, and go screw yourself. He says what he says because the people tend to deserve it. Alot. You said them and used " " to be an ass.

You fail at life.

Screenname - Maura
Server - Fairy

At 2:59 PM, Blogger Yensil's back! This time it's personal. said...

That's karma, Dave.

At 9:37 AM, Blogger irony said...

I have to agree with dick. Anyone that doesnt see the irony in this is stupid and really fails at life.

I mean first off, the DMV has a web site (kinda like a wiki.DMVclopedia.org) where even a trained monkey could just click-click and get the step-by-step on how to renew a license. On top of that, they even send a brochure with your renewal notification (kinda like how they include manuals for games) its sort of like a how to guide for dummys on licenses. I bet there is even signs at the DMV that say Warning: must pick up forms before getting in line. Yet oblivious to all this Mr Dave ( i use Mr because so not worthy of the term GM) gets in line
and then has the nerve to get witty (read: retarded) with the clerk. AND even after being directed to get a 34-A, you somehow manage to come back with the wrong form...I mean how stupid can you be? so after being rude to the orc and the counter lady, and cutting in line (i mean if a GM tell you to go jump up your own ass and you place another call, will you be placed at the top of the priority list. I doubt it) you still manage to be a dumbass and get directed to the complaints manager ­­...

anyway, im just glad you got what you deserved for being RL functionaly retarded... you got fed to jormy ...only replace fed by physically carried and jormy by large burly man.


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