Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Hot Girl On Girl Action

Okay. Calm down.

There will be no hardcore pornography on the blog today.

HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Don't leave!

One of the most interesting/weirdest things about this game is that the wedding system (that we've already discussed) does not allow for characters of the same gender to marry.

Apparently, it's okay in a fantasy setting for people to walk around with pet dragons, but not for two boys/girls to hold hands.

Because two people of the same gender being in love would just tear the fabric of the universe asunder.

I mean, that never happens in real life.

Some of you may be thinking that [GM]Dave is actually against this policy.

You would be wrong.

I really don't care.

Some of you may be thinking that means [GM]Dave is actually for this policy.

You'd also be wrong.

I don't care about most things.

Your business is your business. As long as whatever you are doing doesn't involve third party software or selling gil, I don't really mind.


I don't give a sweet damn about this policy one way or the other because IT'S A FREAKIN' GAME.

If you need to be married that bad, go play the Sims or something.

The only reason this policy even affects me is the sheer volume of people who complain about it.

Yes, yes. It sucks for you. I know.

Still don't care.

The funny part of this policy is that many of the people who play female characters are actually males.

You're shocked, I'm sure.

This is funny on multiple levels:

a) that guy playing a Mithra who is complaining about not being able to marry his Elvaan girlfriend is actually dating another guy.

It's like multidimensional homosexuality.

The metagay, if you will.

b) that guy playing a Mithra meets a woman playing a female character, but can't marry her even though they are not of the same gender.

We don't care what you are in the real world. It's your virtual "equipment" that dictates policy.

So, you can imagine some of the calls I get about this policy and it's earth-shattering impact.

Just this morning, in fact, I got a very serious (read: hilarious) GM call from a "Mithra".

I use quotation marks because the Mithra in question was actually a man and I don't say Manthra because I'm not retarded.

GM Call Description: Can't get married. Help!

Good thing (s)he said help. I never would have figured it out.

For a second there, I thought it was observational comedy.

Because I never fail to be amused by this, I immediately log in.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you cheated a transaction.
Player>> Huh?
[GM]Dave>> She traded you the free milk.
[GM]Dave>> It's time to purchase the cow.
Player>> Oh.
Player>> No, no, no.
Player>> I want to get married.
[GM]Dave>> Then what the problem is?
Player>> The wedding system won't accept my application.
[GM]Dave>> Did you put a cover sheet on it?
Player>> A what?
[GM]Dave>> We sent out a memo about it.
Player>> I didn't get a memo.
[GM]Dave>> Nevermind.
[GM]Dave>> Let me look into it for you.

*looks up his application*

[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Are you kidding me?
Player>> No.
Player>> Why?
[GM]Dave>> Well... I'm no biologist but...
[GM]Dave>> I'm pretty sure you're both Mithras.
Player>> Oh yeah. I could have told you that.
[GM]Dave>> And yet you did not.
[GM]Dave>> How convenient.
[GM]Dave>> And by convenient, I mean retarded.
Player>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> Retarded. Noun. The state of being...
Player>> I know what retarded means.
[GM]Dave>> Then why did you ask?
Player>> I meant "why is us being Mithra retarded?"
[GM]Dave>> Remember the rule about no same gender marriage?
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Do you not know where I'm going with this?
Player>> But I'm really a guy.
[GM]Dave>> Suurrrrreee you are.
Player>> I am!
[GM]Dave>> Listen, Suzie...
[GM]Dave>> May I call you Suzie?
Player>> No.
[GM]Dave>> Same gender marriage is against game policy, Suzie.
Player>> BUT I'M A GUY IN REAL LIFE.
[GM]Dave>> So's your "girlfriend" most likely.
[GM]Dave>> All Mithra are guys.
Player>> No, they're not.
[GM]Dave>> Are you a Mithra?
Player>> ... Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Are you a guy?
Player>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> And 2 plus 2 equals?
Player>> But we want to get married.
[GM]Dave>> If you wanted to get married...
[GM]Dave>> Why would you choose a female character?
Player>> Well... I figured if I had to look at an ass for hours...
Player>> It might as well be a female ass.
[GM]Dave>> What's wrong with a male character?
Player>> Staring at a guy's ass for 8 hours a day?
Player>> I don't know. Seems kind of gay.
[GM]Dave>> Oh yeah.
[GM]Dave>> That is so much more gay than having a vagina.
Player>> Can't you change my race or something?
[GM]Dave>> Hmmm...
[GM]Dave>> I could try I suppose.
Player>> Excellent.
[GM]Dave>> Let's spin THE WHEEL OF RACES!
Player>> What?!
[GM]Dave>> Click clack click clack click clack
[GM]Dave>> And your new race is...

*a few quick key presses*

Player>> A GOBLIN?!
[GM]Dave>> Good luck with the wedding.
Player>> I DON'T WANT TO BE A GOBLIN!
[GM]Dave>> You should have specified.
Player>> You didn't give me time!
Player>> You just spun a wheel!
[GM]Dave>> There wasn't really a wheel.
[GM]Dave>> That was me going click clack.
Player>> I KNOW THAT!
[GM]Dave>> Sigh.
[GM]Dave>> Do you want me to change your race again?
Player>> Yes, please.
Player>> Thank you.
Player>> I'd like to be a...
[Gm]Dave>> Click clack click clack click clack
Player>> DAMMIT!

*press a few buttons*

Player>> A GIGAS?!
Player>> That's not even funny.
[GM]Dave>> Are you whining again?
[GM]Dave>> Damned whiny chicks.
Player>> I'M A GUY!!!
[GM]Dave>> I don't think so.
[GM]Dave>> Do Gigas have genders?
Player>> CHANGE ME BACK!!!
[GM]Dave>> Are you sure?
Player>> YES!
[GM]Dave>> Yes, Ma'am.
Player>> KNOCK THAT OFF!

*press a few more buttons*

Player>> A GOBLIN AGAIN?!!!
[GM]Dave>> You said back.
[GM]Dave>> You did.
Player>> I meant to a Mithra.
[GM]Dave>> Ooooooohhhhhhhhh.
[GM]Dave>> No.
Player>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO?
[GM]Dave>> No. Adverb. Used to express refusal...
Player>> I KNOW WHAT NO MEANS!!!
[GM]Dave>> Then stop asking questions.
Player>> MAKE ME A MITHRA AGAIN!
Player>> NOW!
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> I can't do that?
Player>> YOU CAN'T?
[GM]Dave>> Did I say "can't"?
[GM]Dave>> I meant "won't".
Player>> WHY NOT?
[GM]Dave>> Cause then you won't be able to get married.
Player>> ...
Player>> I hate you.
[GM]Dave>> Look on the bright side...
[GM]Dave>> You get to marry the "woman" you love.
Player>> I guess.
[GM]Dave>> Good.
[GM]Dave>> Have a good day, Suzie.
Player>> Yeah.
Player>> Whatever.

So, I bid Suzie farewell and head back to crafting.

I had barely started when I got another GM call.

From the same "guy".

GM Call Description: PROBLEM WITH WEDDING SYSTEM!

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Can I help you with something?
Player>> The system still won't accept my application.
Player>> Why not?
[GM]Dave>> I told you.
[GM]Dave>> No same gender marriage.
Player>> But you changed my race and gender.
[GM]Dave>> Who said anything about changing gender?

43 Comments:

At 10:05 AM, Blogger Ember Darc said...

Hee hee. It's like a Wish spell. Word your request VERY CAREFULLY.

 
At 10:16 AM, Blogger witchlustx said...

I tried to get a wedding date for like 6 months and we couldn't get one so we just gave up. Btw, your blog is funny.

 
At 10:37 AM, Blogger Zonka said...

I guess the Goblin won't be giving that Mitha a ride on the "Ole Bone Roller Coaster"

Lovely.

 
At 10:50 AM, Blogger Texgnome1 said...

Deviously done as always. "Be careful what you wish for indeed."

 
At 10:50 AM, Blogger Bellemithra said...

hehehehehehehehe that was priceless [GM]Dave! Good work!

 
At 10:52 AM, Blogger Lankist said...

"Player>> You just spun a wheel!
[GM]Dave>> There wasn't really a wheel.
[GM]Dave>> That was me going click clack."

Right there's where I had to stop reading before my boss heard my laughter and found out I wasn't really doing any work.

Pure brilliance.

 
At 10:57 AM, Blogger klvino said...

Very simple solution, get another content ID, create a male character to marry your "female" friend's character. If you're committed to your relationship, you'll do it. If you're not, then you won't. Very simple.

 
At 10:58 AM, Blogger Deggers said...

[GM]Dave>> Let's spin THE WHEEL OF RACES!
Player>> What?!
[GM]Dave>> Click clack click clack click clack
[GM]Dave>> And your new race is...

*a few quick key presses*

Player>> A GOBLIN?!
[GM]Dave>> Good luck with the wedding.


I nearly fell of my chair, if only we could watch!

 
At 11:02 AM, Blogger Slaneyder said...

Player>> Staring at a guy's ass for 8 hours a day?
Player>> I don't know. Seems kind of gay.
[GM]Dave>> Oh yeah.
[GM]Dave>> That is so much more gay than having a vagina.


Perfect.

 
At 11:07 AM, Blogger Arwenne said...

You turned him into Mrs. Smithy!

I lol'd, despite myself. ^_^

 
At 11:10 AM, Blogger Dyamalos said...

I play a Mithra, and I was kinda disappointed about the no girl-girl mirages, but I said, oh well, no matrimony (read: Ball and chain) for me and waved it off. However, when you think of the one race that should be able to get married to ANYONE it would be Galka... Read the manual, they are genderless even though they are consider males:

"The Galka reproduce though a form or reincarnation and hence have no specific gender, but are generally considered to be male"

And the fact that Mithra are only female (in the fact you can't play or see a male Mithra) they should at least be able to merry other Mithra ;P

bowchikawowo!

 
At 11:30 AM, Blogger freezinglimbo said...

Let's get serious now people. Same sex marraige is fine ... as long as both mithra are hot. Stolen and abused but it still makes me laugh. I also love the completely unhidden contempt of guys playing mithras.

 
At 12:36 PM, Blogger Kirip-san said...

Dave, you should be one of those genies that screw up wishes ALL the time.

Brilliant.

 
At 12:46 PM, Blogger shake said...

Ha Ha

Almost as retarded as “script run ./fish,” but not quite.

Keep up the good writing.

 
At 1:20 PM, Blogger Hawklord2112 said...

[GM]Dave>> Did you put a cover sheet on it?
Player>> A what?
[GM]Dave>> We sent out a memo about it.


now you are officially a god. that is the best movie ever. well, one of the best movies.

okay, one of my favourite movies that doesnt feature real girl on girl action.

oh and *i* play a female character. for the same reason that player did. the sway of the virtual ass... mmmmm.

are there any actual in game benefits apart from having to pay for the ceremony?

and are the in game divorces proportionally more expensive (as they are in real life?)

 
At 2:16 PM, Blogger Syn said...

/cheer for office space! and for [GM] Dave of course.

I'd invite you to my wedding (if it ever happens), but I'm too afraid you'll feed me to a dragon or make my wyvern eat me >.>

 
At 2:40 PM, Blogger currentlypresent said...

"[GM]Dave>> Who said anything about changing gender?"


My good sir, you are amazing.
That is all.

 
At 2:41 PM, Blogger Soul said...

oh dave you are too good i actually started crying i was laughing so hard

 
At 3:03 PM, Blogger kiwi said...

musta forgot form 34-A

 
At 5:50 PM, Blogger Kiwi said...

"Very simple solution, get another content ID, create a male character to marry your "female" friend's character. If you're committed to your relationship, you'll do it. If you're not, then you won't. Very simple"

Or, you could NOT be lame, and NOT get married in a VIDEO GAME. Seriously, if you don't know someone IRL, why would you want to marry them, in FFXI or otherwise? They could be a middle aged dude playing a Mithra who lives in his mom's basement and beats off while you role-play. That's just nasty.

 
At 5:53 PM, Blogger Kiwi said...

BTW, The comment by the first Kiwi is not mine. What are you stealing my name for?

 
At 6:23 PM, Blogger Phrawgz said...

[GM]Dave>> Then what the problem is?

hehe, my dad talks like that all the time...funny

[GM]Dave>> There wasn't really a wheel.
[GM]Dave>> That was me going click clack.

see now this is just one of the many reasons i keep coming back. If i saw this anywhere else id be like "wtf, they must have stolen that from [GM]Dave, its just become so much your style.

Also, it just amazes me how you are so consistantly funny. Keep up the good work!!

 
At 11:33 PM, Blogger Nightflower said...

I can only picture this person running around trying to get a party as a gob.

To bad you didn't flag him so players could kill him while he looked like a gob.

Hmmm...

 
At 11:38 PM, Blogger Kumaren said...

The part saying "lol i'd rather not stare at a male all day"
First person view completely discredits that. GG son?

 
At 12:33 AM, Blogger Aeriel said...

Haha! Very good dave, a female goblin! But how can you tell! with that mask and ewww!!!

I sooo agree with Nightflower flagging him :) yay! you could have come back on your main and shouted "ZOMG! {Beseiged} Jeuno! Help help!" then started beating him to death with something.

 
At 2:46 AM, Blogger Crixa said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 2:48 AM, Blogger Crixa said...

You know, its funny. I've heard the FFXI same-sex marriage ban complained about a lot...but why don't the Mithras and Galkas (should they choose to marry) complain about being forced to marry outside their race?

Also,
"[GM]Dave>> There wasn't really a wheel.
[GM]Dave>> That was me going click clack."

Priceless.

 
At 7:10 AM, Blogger Thistle said...

Apparently, it's okay in a fantasy setting for people to walk around with pet dragons, but not for two boys/girls to hold hands.

Because two people of the same gender being in love would just tear the fabric of the universe asunder.


Thank you, thank you, thank you.

/bow [GM]Dave

 
At 8:54 AM, Blogger Tycooner said...

Have to admit it

"[GM]Dave>> Who said anything about changing gender?"

Got me good this morning dave and spent half an hour trying to dry out my keyboard. Finally had to opt for the spare.

Thank heavens for being a pack rat spare PC parts.

This one was priceless Lokk forwar to tomorrow.

 
At 9:43 AM, Blogger [GM]Dave said...

I wonder how many keyboards I have destroyed in my time.

If only I could harness this power for evil...

 
At 10:41 AM, Blogger Kaeli said...

Too bad the people whose keyboards you'd want to destroy would likely be too stupid to appreciate the humor.

 
At 12:13 PM, Blogger Crixa said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 12:13 PM, Blogger Crixa said...

"I wonder how many keyboards I have destroyed in my time.

If only I could harness this power for evil... "

You wouldn't have to use it for evil. Just think about about it...you could offer the stupids a Deluxe Package +1, destroy their keyboards and never hear from them again!

Or at least, not until mommy went out and bought a new keyboard for them.

 
At 1:14 PM, Blogger Myloko said...

Some people are just stupid ._. Others, play girl characters while they're guys in real life. 99% of the time, they're both. Hail Dave! (_ _)

 
At 3:24 PM, Blogger Knyte said...

about guys playing as mithra....well i can only speak for myself. my choice on mithra went as follows:

1)stats - high strength of elvaan and hume are ok, but if you cant hit what your aiming at then your strength means diddly shit. mithra have high dexterity, they hit more often and they have decent strength. hell they even have decent intelligence and mind so they make good mages as well.

2)who looks better in a subligar? thats it. dhamels, er i mean elvaan, galka, hume M in a subligar? hell no, that would drive me to drinking....as well as some other emo things

hume F? would say yes but when they walk or run it seems they are trying to hold back a case of diarrhea so no.

taru? circus midgets scare me, so tarus are out.

what does that leave? mithra. hell if they had male mithras i would have picked them, as long as they had the stats of a mithra aka high dexterity and moderate strength.

am i a loser?....probably. but atleast i dont live in the basement.

/floats away

 
At 3:28 PM, Blogger Knyte said...

drinking is not emo, but slitting your wrist is.

besides who would want to play the game entirely in first person view? this is an MMORPG, not an FPS. if you wanna play in first person go play elder scrolls: oblivion on xbox 360

 
At 7:18 PM, Blogger Rogahar said...

[GM]Dave...
You are a vile,
Horrible,
Evil,
Depraved,
Violent,
Sadistic,
Matricidal,
Bastard.

Keep it up!

 
At 9:46 PM, Blogger IfritsNuts said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 9:50 PM, Blogger IfritsNuts said...

It's like multidimensional homosexuality.

The metagay, if you will.



Hahahahahahahahhahaahhaha!

 
At 10:10 AM, Blogger Lenwe said...

[GM]Dave>> Did you put a cover sheet on it?
Player>> A what?
[GM]Dave>> We sent out a memo about it.
Player>> I didn't get a memo.
[GM]Dave>> Nevermind.


I love the office space referances.One of my favorite movies. I think he needs a copy of that memo.

 
At 6:11 AM, Blogger Petrograd said...

Aww, evil :P You totally should've raped whatever race they were, but then have given them the gender change :P

 
At 9:04 AM, Blogger Fircefairy said...

Laughing my ass off! That was funny!It took me 8 months to get a wedding date in the game,and my Husband was almost in tears he was so happy about it!(real life)
Then he spent 4 million on the wedding!Not only did he get me the dress...he also bought gifts and food for all the guests!

{GM}Dave, I would like to know what your prefered craft is?

 
At 8:40 AM, Blogger NiNjA said...

Its always suprising how fucking retarted some people are.. they either cant read... or can read and just choose to be retarted and that would make them retarted ^2. Oh and "[GM]Dave>> That is so much more gay than having a vagina."

Haha.

 

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