Saturday, June 24, 2006

[GM]Dave Offline - Vol. 1

By my calculations, the theme most readers want to hear about is my real life.

Well... that and Susan riding a dragon naked while killing gil sellers and fighting the Starship Enterprise.

But that story has been done to death.

So, I am pleased to present a week of my real life exploits.

Follow along as I visit the mall, the dentist, maybe check the mail, possibly go to GameStop...

You chose this over dragons? Seriously?

Anyway, welcome to [GM]Dave Offline.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I had an early shift this morning and tomorrow is my day off, so when I got off work, Susan suggested we take a little vacation.

I, of course, explained the precarious nature of leveling my crafts and that she should perhaps go to hell.

This did not go over well.

So, we were going on vacation.

What's the exact opposite of "yay"?

After spending an hour and a half packing, we hopped in the car and were off.

By an hour and a half of packing, I mean that I took two minutes to throw some clothes and my laptop in a plastic bag and Susan spent 90 minutes accessorizing or color coding or whatever the hell women do.

She could have hidden a nuclear weapon in the pile of suitcases she had packed. Imagine if we had been going away for two days.

We drove for about six hours. Actually, it was just under six hours.

I know that because we listened to the FFXI soundtrack three times.

That's when Susan told me to turn into a hotel.

I use that term very, very loosely.

This was a hotel like The View is a television show. It barely met the requirements and only retarded people would find it acceptable.

So, we drive up to the "hotel" and start to unload our bags. Susan seemed to be having trouble carrying all of her bags.

I would have helped, honestly, but I was too busy not caring.

We get to the desk and Susan starts asking entirely inane questions.

Things like checkout times and room service.

I quickly pushed her out of the way to ask the most pertinent question:

[GM]Dave>> Do you use DSL or wireless in the rooms?
Clerk>> ...
Clerk>> Excuse me?
[GM]Dave>> Internet access. What kind?
[GM]Dave>> I brought an ethernet cable just in case.
Clerk>> Oh. I'm sorry, sir.

And I swear to God, he had the nerve to say

Clerk>> We don't have internet access here.

I actually had to stop an interpret this sentence.

He must be speaking another language for which I do not understand the language or grammatical form. Surely, he did not just say they do not have internet access.

[GM]Dave>> I think I misheard you.
[GM]Dave>> It sounded like you said no internet.
Clerk>> I did, sir.
[GM]Dave>> Then it sounded like you started to choke.
Clerk>> ... uhh... I don't think...

That's when I pulled him across the counter by his throat.

[GM]Dave>> CHOKE ON YOUR LIES!!!

Honestly, I'm pretty sure I can plead justifiable homicide.

Who in this day and age doesn't have internet access?

That's like finding out they just discovered fire or something.

Why am I even in a place that does not have internet access? Had I driven off the edge of the Earth?

Maybe I was in hell.

Not that I've ever done anything to deserve that, right?

Right?

You're awful damn quiet.

Susan>> Honey, it's okay.
[GM]Dave>> No. No it's not.
[GM]Dave>> There's nothing okay about this.
Susan>> I knew they didn't have the internet.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Then it sounded like you started to choke.
Susan>> Dear, that's not funny.
[GM]Dave>> A few minutes of oxygen deprevation and it'll get funny.
Susan>> I chose this place because they don't have the internet.
Susan>> I wanted to spend some time away from the computer.
[GM]Dave>> I don't understand.
[GM]Dave>> There's an away from the computer now?
[GM]Dave>> Do you mean like AFK?
Susan>> You need some time offline.
Susan>> It'll be fun.
[GM]Dave>> Yay! We're having non-internet related fun.
[GM]Dave>> Why don't we just chisel pictures on cave walls?
Susan>> Lots of people don't have the internet.
[GM]Dave>> Name three.

We went back and forth for a couple of minutes...

Or hours...

It's hard to tell with no on-screen clock to go by.

Damned analog planet.

We finally decided to get back into the car and drive until we found a suitable place to stay for the night with internet access.

Guess what? Turns out there's a really nice place with excellent service and everything I need.

It's called MY DAMNED HOUSE!

Note to self: stop going outside. Outside bad.

39 Comments:

At 6:35 PM, Blogger shingui of cerberus said...

'And I swear to God, he had the nerve to say

Clerk>> We don't have internet access here.

I actually had to stop an interpret this sentence.'

lol priceless^.^ and i guess all them mad posts about jorumy getting old got to ya?

 
At 6:40 PM, Blogger ColdhartedRagnarok said...

good blog dave, really good post... very creative.

 
At 7:08 PM, Blogger Dantaro said...

Lmao, great entry. Loved it

 
At 7:16 PM, Blogger Sex Money Monkey said...

Haha, very good. I half expected you to feed the Clerk to the dragon ;)

And yeah, is it just me, or is there always one deleted comment?

 
At 7:28 PM, Blogger Soul said...

outside bad got it staying inside from now on thank you dave you saved my life!

 
At 8:09 PM, Blogger Myloko said...

Poor Susan... but poor Dave too, I don't know who to feel worse for @_@

 
At 8:39 PM, Blogger Galkizzle said...

She deliberatly went to a hotel with no internet?! What a whore.

 
At 9:30 PM, Blogger Siegtaru said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 9:31 PM, Blogger Siegtaru said...

"Clerk>> ... uhh... I don't think...

That's when I pulled him across the counter by his throat.

[GM]Dave>> CHOKE ON YOUR LIES!!!"

Died of laughter riiiiight here. xD

<3 You Dave! So much! =]

 
At 11:32 PM, Blogger Nightflower said...

You are right [GM]Dave, outside is bad.
Especially that big thing in the sky. People tell me it is calle "The Sun".
It is large, and it is bright. Avoid it at all costs.

 
At 12:02 AM, Blogger Hutea said...

Note to self: stop going outside. Outside bad.

I say this to myself on a regular basis. O.o;

 
At 2:24 AM, Blogger Artos said...

"GM]Dave>> I think I misheard you.
[GM]Dave>> It sounded like you said no internet.
Clerk>> I did, sir.
[GM]Dave>> Then it sounded like you started to choke.
Clerk>> ... uhh... I don't think...

That's when I pulled him across the counter by his throat.

[GM]Dave>> CHOKE ON YOUR LIES!!!"


I can't stop laughing.

 
At 3:06 AM, Blogger Sex Money Monkey said...

See! See! Comment deleted. I knew it!

And it was mean for her to go to a hotel with no internet. But she's gotta stand living with Dave. Come on, people, cut Susan some slack :P

 
At 5:05 AM, Blogger Citizen Bleys said...

Somebody probably made a comment and deleted it just because you posted that, though.

I know I was going to.

 
At 5:06 AM, Blogger Lokkin said...

"And then it sounded like you started to choke," classic my friend, classic. Keep up the good work buddy!

 
At 7:32 AM, Blogger sngirl said...

Damned analog planet.

Hahhahaha!! XD

That was great. That was like when my hubby took me to some former coal mining town in PA that barely had air conditioning let alone internet access. I had him by the shirt collar yelling to take me home before nightfall even hit.

 
At 8:23 AM, Blogger CaesarsGhost said...

I didn't have the Internet once... it was horrible.

There I was, 30,000 feet in the air, trying to read an inflight magazine.
I recall making a game of it: "Rip out any page with no actual article and just advertisement."

It was funny cause it was every page. My "Single Serving Friend" next to me asked what I was doing, then promptly informed me I was reading a Catalog.

DOH!

 
At 9:14 AM, Blogger DeaconBlue said...

Rofl
Agreed, Outside Bad

 
At 11:25 AM, Blogger Del said...

I like how the dialogue between people is still in the tell format.

 
At 1:07 PM, Blogger Elisen said...

Nightflower said...

"You are right [GM]Dave, outside is bad.
Especially that big thing in the sky. People tell me it is calle "The Sun".
It is large, and it is bright. Avoid it at all costs. "


I like to call that thing the Evil Day Star, and yes it should be avoided. Heaven forbid I have a healthy flesh tone! :O

 
At 1:22 PM, Blogger Feba said...

::What's the exact opposite of "yay"?


"Ugh"

 
At 2:42 PM, Blogger JeBe said...

"What's the exact opposite of "yay"?"



-Doh?

 
At 2:44 PM, Blogger Santos said...

"I, of course, explained the precarious nature of leveling my crafts and that she should perhaps go to hell."

LOL!

 
At 4:00 PM, Blogger InuDuelist said...

In other news, polution in the world is increasing steadily every day and the sun will eventually disappear to the hellish darkness.



Well, that's good. The we'll finally be rid of that flaming ball of evil.

 
At 4:12 PM, Blogger Deria said...

Wow. I enjoyed the post. I find myself hating GOING places on vacation just because I can never connected ... And for Susan to get a reservation somewhere without internet access, I am shocked. For someone who runs out of the room during sex to hunt NMs, it seems bizare she would pick a place like that. Hehe Thanks for the laugh. Good luck.

 
At 4:14 PM, Blogger Blaize said...

Susan>> I wanted to spend some time away from the computer.
[GM]Dave>> I don't understand.
[GM]Dave>> There's an away from the computer now?
[GM]Dave>> Do you mean like AFK?

ok that was funny^^

[GM]Dave:Unplugged - i like XD

 
At 6:25 PM, Blogger GMdavisISfake said...

ok first of all.....FUCK ALL YOU CUNTS

ok...you guys are cunts...stop sucking up to [GM] imnotreal and go fuck a hoe

ok u guys are pathetic

get laid

holy shit i hate all of you

omg

friggin nerds

so if you guys believe dave then u obviosly still believe in santa clause.....am i right? duh

ok bye [GM] Dave!!
keep up gthe good work!!

 
At 6:41 PM, Blogger GL said...

Long tiem reader, first time poster

[GM]Dave you seriously make my week, I get in trouble for laughing so hard at work. For the hater that posted above, I got laid last night, maybe someones a little jealous?

whether people think this is real or fake is irrelevant, its great reading. Keep it up Dave!

 
At 9:46 PM, Blogger AKosygin of FFXIOnline.com said...

I am counting my blessings, I have internet on my cell phone.

 
At 11:03 PM, Blogger Morwen said...

To GMdavisISfake,

This is about his life outside the game, this has gotta be real. Also, who gives a fuck if he is real anyway, he writes funny blogs get over it.

Anyway, this was hilarious:
"And I swear to God, he had the nerve to say

Clerk>> We don't have internet access here.

I actually had to stop an interpret this sentence.
GM]Dave>> I think I misheard you.
[GM]Dave>> It sounded like you said no internet.
Clerk>> I did, sir.
[GM]Dave>> Then it sounded like you started to choke.
Clerk>> ... uhh... I don't think...

That's when I pulled him across the counter by his throat.

[GM]Dave>> CHOKE ON YOUR LIES!!!"

Right about there is when I had pick myself off the floor as I had fallen off my chair from laughing.

Keep up the good work!^_^

 
At 11:04 PM, Blogger Morwen said...

To GMdavisISfake,

This is about his life outside the game, this has gotta be real. Also, who gives a fuck if he is real anyway, he writes funny blogs get over it.

Anyway, this was hilarious:
"And I swear to God, he had the nerve to say

Clerk>> We don't have internet access here.

I actually had to stop an interpret this sentence.
GM]Dave>> I think I misheard you.
[GM]Dave>> It sounded like you said no internet.
Clerk>> I did, sir.
[GM]Dave>> Then it sounded like you started to choke.
Clerk>> ... uhh... I don't think...

That's when I pulled him across the counter by his throat.

[GM]Dave>> CHOKE ON YOUR LIES!!!"

Right about there is when I had pick myself off the floor as I had fallen off my chair from laughing.

Keep up the good work!^_^

 
At 2:14 AM, Blogger Aeriel said...

O.O [GM]Dave as seen on TV on Crimewatch! Have you seen this man! Last seen in a small Hotel holding a bloody lampstand screaming {Savage Blade} BIATCH!

 
At 3:02 AM, Blogger Herlock Sholmes said...

Priceless.... Absolutely Priceless

 
At 5:19 AM, Blogger LittleDramaBoy said...

It's cute when you sort of go against what you've said before... months before.

"You do not need FFXI to survive.

You don't.

Seriously.

You could even go entire days without playing. You could go outside and see objects with life-like TnL and Pixel Shading. Or you could sleep.

But every damned time we have a maintenance, it's like the end of the freakin' world.

"OHOMGNOEZ!!! TEH SERVRZ IZ DOWN!!! TIZ TEH ENDTIMEZ!!! TEH APOKALIPZ IZ HEER!!!"

It's okay. It's going to be okay. Breathe deep. Do you smell that?"
~ April 17, 2006

True, you are speaking of internet access in general, but it's the same concept. ~_^ Love ya anywaze.

 
At 5:24 AM, Blogger BuzZ said...

I have trouble understanding how guys love games more than their girls....It never ends well either.

So I'm with Susan on this one :P

Very nice post, Dave. One of your best.

 
At 5:26 AM, Blogger BuzZ said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 11:26 AM, Blogger Advent said...

To GMDaveisfake, obviously your mom never told you stories as a kid, GMDave probably is fake, we don't care, it's 'funny'! There is enough shit in most of our own lives as it is, if someone ie:- GMDave chooses to brighten our days with his 'unique' humour, I'm all for it.

GMDave, keep the humour comin' we all need a laugh, feed this guy to a dragon or 2!

 
At 6:22 PM, Blogger kiwi said...

"whats the exact opposite of "yay"?"

f*!@ :D

 
At 7:59 PM, Blogger Fircefairy said...

LOL That was great!I was forced to go on a *vacation* with no Internet for a week! It was no vacation!Funny story {GM} Dave!

 

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