Bannable Offenses

[GM]Dave Offline - Vol. 1

By my calculations, the theme most readers want to hear about is my real life.

Well... that and Susan riding a dragon naked while killing gil sellers and fighting the Starship Enterprise.

But that story has been done to death.

So, I am pleased to present a week of my real life exploits.

Follow along as I visit the mall, the dentist, maybe check the mail, possibly go to GameStop...

You chose this over dragons? Seriously?

Anyway, welcome to [GM]Dave Offline.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I had an early shift this morning and tomorrow is my day off, so when I got off work, Susan suggested we take a little vacation.

I, of course, explained the precarious nature of leveling my crafts and that she should perhaps go to hell.

This did not go over well.

So, we were going on vacation.

What's the exact opposite of "yay"?

After spending an hour and a half packing, we hopped in the car and were off.

By an hour and a half of packing, I mean that I took two minutes to throw some clothes and my laptop in a plastic bag and Susan spent 90 minutes accessorizing or color coding or whatever the hell women do.

She could have hidden a nuclear weapon in the pile of suitcases she had packed. Imagine if we had been going away for two days.

We drove for about six hours. Actually, it was just under six hours.

I know that because we listened to the FFXI soundtrack three times.

That's when Susan told me to turn into a hotel.

I use that term very, very loosely.

This was a hotel like The View is a television show. It barely met the requirements and only retarded people would find it acceptable.

So, we drive up to the "hotel" and start to unload our bags. Susan seemed to be having trouble carrying all of her bags.

I would have helped, honestly, but I was too busy not caring.

We get to the desk and Susan starts asking entirely inane questions.

Things like checkout times and room service.

I quickly pushed her out of the way to ask the most pertinent question:

[GM]Dave>> Do you use DSL or wireless in the rooms?
Clerk>> ...
Clerk>> Excuse me?
[GM]Dave>> Internet access. What kind?
[GM]Dave>> I brought an ethernet cable just in case.
Clerk>> Oh. I'm sorry, sir.

And I swear to God, he had the nerve to say

Clerk>> We don't have internet access here.

I actually had to stop an interpret this sentence.

He must be speaking another language for which I do not understand the language or grammatical form. Surely, he did not just say they do not have internet access.

[GM]Dave>> I think I misheard you.
[GM]Dave>> It sounded like you said no internet.
Clerk>> I did, sir.
[GM]Dave>> Then it sounded like you started to choke.
Clerk>> ... uhh... I don't think...

That's when I pulled him across the counter by his throat.

[GM]Dave>> CHOKE ON YOUR LIES!!!

Honestly, I'm pretty sure I can plead justifiable homicide.

Who in this day and age doesn't have internet access?

That's like finding out they just discovered fire or something.

Why am I even in a place that does not have internet access? Had I driven off the edge of the Earth?

Maybe I was in hell.

Not that I've ever done anything to deserve that, right?

Right?

You're awful damn quiet.

Susan>> Honey, it's okay.
[GM]Dave>> No. No it's not.
[GM]Dave>> There's nothing okay about this.
Susan>> I knew they didn't have the internet.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Then it sounded like you started to choke.
Susan>> Dear, that's not funny.
[GM]Dave>> A few minutes of oxygen deprevation and it'll get funny.
Susan>> I chose this place because they don't have the internet.
Susan>> I wanted to spend some time away from the computer.
[GM]Dave>> I don't understand.
[GM]Dave>> There's an away from the computer now?
[GM]Dave>> Do you mean like AFK?
Susan>> You need some time offline.
Susan>> It'll be fun.
[GM]Dave>> Yay! We're having non-internet related fun.
[GM]Dave>> Why don't we just chisel pictures on cave walls?
Susan>> Lots of people don't have the internet.
[GM]Dave>> Name three.

We went back and forth for a couple of minutes...

Or hours...

It's hard to tell with no on-screen clock to go by.

Damned analog planet.

We finally decided to get back into the car and drive until we found a suitable place to stay for the night with internet access.

Guess what? Turns out there's a really nice place with excellent service and everything I need.

It's called MY DAMNED HOUSE!

Note to self: stop going outside. Outside bad.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 4:37 PM