The New
I have been in a little bit of a rut lately.Not that I'm complaining, but I feel like I haven't been challenging myself.
It seems my daily routine just became a little too routine.
Wake up, work, craft, drink, feed Jormy, ban, repeat.
It's a good life, I'll agree, but it doesn't provide me much room to stretch myself. It doesn't let me express my opinion (read: barely repressed rage) in new and creative ways.
Now, don't get me wrong. I love feeding idiots to Jormy.
Love it, love it, love it.
But where's the challenge in it?
So, with this new epiphany, I decided to try new and interesting ways of torturing people.
[GM]Dave is all about the New.
Don't worry, though. Jormy will still be around. And getting fed on a regular basis.
There's no justice more powerful than dragon-related justice.
Plus, he makes me laugh.
All this means is that between the Jormy feedings, I'll be trying out other means of disciplining the unwashed masses of Vana'diel. I will also be writing more about my life outside the game.
Today, I decided to define new methods of "customer service".
Thus, I give you: IRONY
I was so serious in this endeavor that I was actually paying attention to GM calls.
I know, I know. Just thinking about it makes me sick.
But if I want to do this right, I need to find the perfect call. A call so powerfully retarded that it inspires me to new heights of cruelty.
*DING*
GM Call Description: Suspected AH Bot
Hmm...
Not bad, but it really doesn't give me much room to work.
Plus, bots rarely scream or break down in tears. What would be the point?
Moving on...
*DING*
GM Call Description: Player swearing at me
OH NOEZ! NOT TEH SWEARING!
We should really put in a command that would allow you to block other players from sending you messages. Perhaps a list of people that you don't want to talk to.
I really should talk to one of the developers.
Next call...
*DING*
GM Call Description: Player using FleeTool.
And there it is. Just the right amount of stupidity with just a dash of retardation.
BAM.
I immediately log into Quetzalcoatl and head over to Gusgen Mines.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> May glorious blah blah blah
[GM]Dave>> What's up?
Player>> I've been trying to mine all morning.
Player>> But this idiot is stealing all of my mining points.
[GM]Dave>> And how is he stealing them?
Player>> He's following me and then running past me.
[GM]Dave>> Psssttt
[GM]Dave>> Say FleeTool.
Player>> He's using FleeTool...
[GM]Dave>> HE'S USING FLEETOOL?
[GM]Dave>> ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
Player>> Uh... yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Are you sure he isn't just using Flee?
Player>> I guess he could be.
[GM]Dave>> Psssttt
[GM]Dave>> Say no.
Player>> No. No he isn't.
[GM]Dave>> DAMNED HACKERS!
[GM]Dave>> I will investigate this immediately.
Now, my first inclination is to confront the cheater, insult him a bit, and then give him the Deluxe Package.
I love the Deluxe Package.
But today is about the New. The Deluxe Package can wait until tomorrow.
I run a few security programs and right away can see that he's using FleeTool and a few other Third Party Programs.
Third Party Programs make [GM]Dave angry.
[GM]Dave smash.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> How's the mining today?
Cheater>> Umm... good.
Cheater>> Inventory is almost full.
[GM]Dave>> I noticed that you were running a lot.
Cheater>> Oh yeah...
Cheater>> See.. my machine is overclocked.
Cheater>> It just looks like I'm running a lot.
[GM]Dave>> Ah.
[GM]Dave>> You should be careful when overclocking.
[GM]Dave>> It can damage your computer.
Cheater>> I know, but I like the speed increase.
[GM]Dave>> Perhaps I can help.
[GM]Dave>> I can adjust your speed to run faster.
[GM]Dave>> Then, you wouldn't need to overclock.
Cheater>> ...
Cheater>> Are you serious? You can do that?
[GM]Dave>> Well... we're not supposed to.
[GM]Dave>> But I do a lot of things I'm not supposed to.
[GM]Dave synthesized an Understatement +1.
Cheater>> And that's not cheating?
Cheater>> I don't want to cheat.
Cheater synthesized an Irony +1.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, don't you worry about that.
[GM]Dave>> I'd never help someone cheat.
Cheater>> Cool!
Cheater>> Let's do it!
[GM]Dave>> Okay, I'll make the adjustment now.
Cheater>> SWEET!
[GM]Dave>> Okay, start running.
Cheater>> HOLYSHIT!
Cheater>> THIS IS INSANE!!
[GM]Dave>> I'm glad you like it.
[GM]Dave>> Can I help you with anything else today?
Cheater>> No, I'm having too much fun running around.
[GM]Dave>> Okay. Have fun.
And so I logged out and went back to crafting.
It's nice finding new ways to help people, isn't it?
Okay, did you really think I'd let him off that easy?
I'm going for new, not retarded.
About five minutes later, I got another GM call.
And wouldn't you know it? It was from the cheater.
GM Call Description: Serious glitch. Need help.
So, I log back in and head back over to Gusgen Mines.
[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Something else I can help you with?
Cheater>> I can't stop running.
[GM]Dave>> I don't know what you mean.
Cheater>> MY CHARACTER WON'T STOP!
[GM]Dave>> Oh...
[GM]Dave>> But you like running.
Cheater>> I CAN'T DO ANYTHING!
Cheater>> PLEASE HELP!
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> We're not supposed to adjust player settings.
Cheater>> BUT YOU JUST DID!
[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> I don't get your point.
Cheater>> CHANGE THEM BACK!
[GM]Dave>> I'm afraid I can't do that.
Cheater>> YES YOU CAN!
[GM]Dave>> Oh, I know I could do that.
[GM]Dave>> But it's funnier this way.
Cheater>> OHSHIT! AGGRO!
[GM]Dave>> What did you expect running around like that?
[GM]Dave>> You should be more careful.
Cheater>> I'M DEAD!
Cheater>> AND I'M STILL RUNNING!
[GM]Dave>> Can I help you with anything else today?
Cheater>> FIX THIS!
[GM]Dave>> So no then?
I must admit, watching his corpse slide around Gusgen in Flee was just damned funny.
Poor bastard just gave up and HPed.
Wait.. did I forget to mention changing his homepoint?
I hope he likes Cape Terrigan.
posted by Goblin Smithy @ 4:30 AM
9 Comments:
I must admit, watching his corpse slide around Gusgen in Flee was just damned funny.
Poor bastard just gave up and HPed.
Wait.. did I forget to mention changing his homepoint?
I hope he likes Cape Terrigan.
lol, this made my morning, ty for making such a hilarious blog.
you're a sick bastard. i think i'm in love with you.
Cape T is scary... especially the part around where the ZM5 monument is (/.\)
Lol, nice one dave
"{GM}Dave smash."
"Third Party Programs make [GM]Dave angry.
[GM]Dave smash."
hehehehe!!!! Classic!
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
"[GM]Dave smash"
*Glee!*
I've been using that for years... But with my name and not [GM]Dave.
Well got pointed here today be a friend, and I have to say it's an entertaining read.
Fiction or truth.. who cares, it's hilarious.
Although I do see some similarities to the fiction 'bastard operator from hell' series. Ever seen those?
I must admit, watching his corpse slide around Gusgen in Flee was just damned funny.
Poor bastard just gave up and HPed.
Wait.. did I forget to mention changing his homepoint?
I hope he likes Cape Terrigan.
classic fantastic mate keep going
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