Wednesday, June 14, 2006

The New

I have been in a little bit of a rut lately.

Not that I'm complaining, but I feel like I haven't been challenging myself.

It seems my daily routine just became a little too routine.

Wake up, work, craft, drink, feed Jormy, ban, repeat.

It's a good life, I'll agree, but it doesn't provide me much room to stretch myself. It doesn't let me express my opinion (read: barely repressed rage) in new and creative ways.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love feeding idiots to Jormy.

Love it, love it, love it.

But where's the challenge in it?

So, with this new epiphany, I decided to try new and interesting ways of torturing people.

[GM]Dave is all about the New.

Don't worry, though. Jormy will still be around. And getting fed on a regular basis.

There's no justice more powerful than dragon-related justice.

Plus, he makes me laugh.

All this means is that between the Jormy feedings, I'll be trying out other means of disciplining the unwashed masses of Vana'diel. I will also be writing more about my life outside the game.

Today, I decided to define new methods of "customer service".

Thus, I give you: IRONY

I was so serious in this endeavor that I was actually paying attention to GM calls.

I know, I know. Just thinking about it makes me sick.

But if I want to do this right, I need to find the perfect call. A call so powerfully retarded that it inspires me to new heights of cruelty.

*DING*

GM Call Description: Suspected AH Bot

Hmm...

Not bad, but it really doesn't give me much room to work.

Plus, bots rarely scream or break down in tears. What would be the point?

Moving on...

*DING*

GM Call Description: Player swearing at me

OH NOEZ! NOT TEH SWEARING!

We should really put in a command that would allow you to block other players from sending you messages. Perhaps a list of people that you don't want to talk to.

I really should talk to one of the developers.

Next call...

*DING*

GM Call Description: Player using FleeTool.

And there it is. Just the right amount of stupidity with just a dash of retardation.

BAM.

I immediately log into Quetzalcoatl and head over to Gusgen Mines.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> May glorious blah blah blah
[GM]Dave>> What's up?
Player>> I've been trying to mine all morning.
Player>> But this idiot is stealing all of my mining points.
[GM]Dave>> And how is he stealing them?
Player>> He's following me and then running past me.
[GM]Dave>> Psssttt
[GM]Dave>> Say FleeTool.
Player>> He's using FleeTool...
[GM]Dave>> HE'S USING FLEETOOL?
[GM]Dave>> ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
Player>> Uh... yeah.
[GM]Dave>> Are you sure he isn't just using Flee?
Player>> I guess he could be.
[GM]Dave>> Psssttt
[GM]Dave>> Say no.
Player>> No. No he isn't.
[GM]Dave>> DAMNED HACKERS!
[GM]Dave>> I will investigate this immediately.

Now, my first inclination is to confront the cheater, insult him a bit, and then give him the Deluxe Package.

I love the Deluxe Package.

But today is about the New. The Deluxe Package can wait until tomorrow.

I run a few security programs and right away can see that he's using FleeTool and a few other Third Party Programs.

Third Party Programs make [GM]Dave angry.

[GM]Dave smash.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> How's the mining today?
Cheater>> Umm... good.
Cheater>> Inventory is almost full.
[GM]Dave>> I noticed that you were running a lot.
Cheater>> Oh yeah...
Cheater>> See.. my machine is overclocked.
Cheater>> It just looks like I'm running a lot.
[GM]Dave>> Ah.
[GM]Dave>> You should be careful when overclocking.
[GM]Dave>> It can damage your computer.
Cheater>> I know, but I like the speed increase.
[GM]Dave>> Perhaps I can help.
[GM]Dave>> I can adjust your speed to run faster.
[GM]Dave>> Then, you wouldn't need to overclock.
Cheater>> ...
Cheater>> Are you serious? You can do that?
[GM]Dave>> Well... we're not supposed to.
[GM]Dave>> But I do a lot of things I'm not supposed to.

[GM]Dave synthesized an Understatement +1.

Cheater>> And that's not cheating?
Cheater>> I don't want to cheat.

Cheater synthesized an Irony +1.

[GM]Dave>> Oh, don't you worry about that.
[GM]Dave>> I'd never help someone cheat.
Cheater>> Cool!
Cheater>> Let's do it!
[GM]Dave>> Okay, I'll make the adjustment now.
Cheater>> SWEET!
[GM]Dave>> Okay, start running.
Cheater>> HOLYSHIT!
Cheater>> THIS IS INSANE!!
[GM]Dave>> I'm glad you like it.
[GM]Dave>> Can I help you with anything else today?
Cheater>> No, I'm having too much fun running around.
[GM]Dave>> Okay. Have fun.

And so I logged out and went back to crafting.

It's nice finding new ways to help people, isn't it?



Okay, did you really think I'd let him off that easy?

I'm going for new, not retarded.

About five minutes later, I got another GM call.

And wouldn't you know it? It was from the cheater.

GM Call Description: Serious glitch. Need help.

So, I log back in and head back over to Gusgen Mines.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Something else I can help you with?
Cheater>> I can't stop running.
[GM]Dave>> I don't know what you mean.
Cheater>> MY CHARACTER WON'T STOP!
[GM]Dave>> Oh...
[GM]Dave>> But you like running.
Cheater>> I CAN'T DO ANYTHING!
Cheater>> PLEASE HELP!
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> We're not supposed to adjust player settings.
Cheater>> BUT YOU JUST DID!
[GM]Dave>> Yeah...
[GM]Dave>> I don't get your point.
Cheater>> CHANGE THEM BACK!
[GM]Dave>> I'm afraid I can't do that.
Cheater>> YES YOU CAN!
[GM]Dave>> Oh, I know I could do that.
[GM]Dave>> But it's funnier this way.
Cheater>> OHSHIT! AGGRO!
[GM]Dave>> What did you expect running around like that?
[GM]Dave>> You should be more careful.
Cheater>> I'M DEAD!
Cheater>> AND I'M STILL RUNNING!
[GM]Dave>> Can I help you with anything else today?
Cheater>> FIX THIS!
[GM]Dave>> So no then?

I must admit, watching his corpse slide around Gusgen in Flee was just damned funny.

Poor bastard just gave up and HPed.

Wait.. did I forget to mention changing his homepoint?

I hope he likes Cape Terrigan.

34 Comments:

At 6:35 AM, Blogger Jhes said...

I must admit, watching his corpse slide around Gusgen in Flee was just damned funny.

Poor bastard just gave up and HPed.

Wait.. did I forget to mention changing his homepoint?

I hope he likes Cape Terrigan.




lol, this made my morning, ty for making such a hilarious blog.

 
At 6:38 AM, Blogger Obitusx said...

[GM]Dave>> Well... we're not supposed to.
[GM]Dave>> But I do a lot of things I'm not supposed to.

[GM]Dave synthesized an Understatement +1.

Cheater>> And that's not cheating?
Cheater>> I don't want to cheat.

Cheater synthesized an Irony +1.


Lol, I love it. /welcome the new [GM]Dave XD

 
At 7:04 AM, Blogger Pyrolol said...

Why do you have this obsession with changing home points to Cape T....It's not actually that dangerous. Crossing Cape T itself at low levels is piss easy if you're careful (ok...maybe not so easy for super-retarded people). Kuftal is more of a challenge, but this is what sneak invis is made for.....Don't leave home without it - especially if you are botting.


As always my challenge to [GM]Dave to ban me and prove he exists still stands. I bot, hack, pretend to rape other players, and laugh at people who've got stuck in the little hole thingy by the Runic Portal place in Whitegate. And so on.

I'm here muthafucka. Come and get me.

 
At 7:09 AM, Blogger Thistle said...

I hope he likes Cape Terrigan.

*twitch* I'd rather be fed to a dragon (twice!) than to be sent there.

 
At 7:36 AM, Blogger Cara Stardusst said...

you're a sick bastard. i think i'm in love with you.

 
At 7:58 AM, Blogger Trigger said...

I love reading these in the morning :D Thanks for the early day posts!

 
At 8:01 AM, Blogger Nytorio said...

Pyrolol Said: As always my challenge to [GM]Dave to ban me and prove he exists still stands. I bot, hack, pretend to rape other players, and laugh at people who've got stuck in the little hole thingy by the Runic Portal place in Whitegate. And so on.

I'm here muthafucka. Come and get me.


well all [GM]Dave has to do is trace yor IP from here and find a match on the servers. When he finds you,you will be F-U-K-T FUKT!

 
At 8:20 AM, Blogger ColdhartedRagnarok said...

lol pyrolol

You must have no friends irl, how sad.

 
At 8:33 AM, Blogger Siegtaru said...

Mmm <3 [GM]Dave ^^ This made my lunch hour. =] Thanks for your great blog. 'Tis awesome. I also <3 The New. xD

 
At 8:33 AM, Blogger Siegtaru said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 8:34 AM, Blogger Siegtaru said...

Mmm <3 [GM]Dave ^^ This made my lunch hour. =] Thanks for your great blog. 'Tis awesome. I also <3 The New. xD

 
At 8:37 AM, Blogger Myloko said...

Cape T is scary... especially the part around where the ZM5 monument is (/.\)

 
At 8:58 AM, Blogger Fircefairy said...

Cape Terrigan is a pain in the ass...and I doubt seriously the cheater carried silent oils or prism powders! I hate that place with a passion!As for Kuftal Tunnle...the sad reality is that...
No matter how high your level is...Robber Crabs will agro untill the end of time!Nice entry {GM} Dave^^ Very inventive!

 
At 9:07 AM, Blogger freezinglimbo said...

New and exciting ways of punishing people really is the bread and butter of morbid justice. Always bring s a tear to my eye when people get punished like that.

 
At 9:19 AM, Blogger Pyrolol said...

Nytorio said:well all [GM]Dave has to do is trace yor IP from here and find a match on the servers. When he finds you,you will be F-U-K-T FUKT!


Go ahead^^ I'm waiting.
And if you're really lazy, my character name is Pyrolol.

 
At 9:53 AM, Blogger Naatdog said...

I like the new punichment. By the way, did you notice what Goblin Smithy said about you in his Cosmo'diel interview?? Can you ban him, or torture him, or feed him to Jormy? I'm still mad at him about kidnapping the Warp Taru a few weeks ago so no punishment is too cruel. Maybe you could replace his subligar with those Hume Female RSE hawt pants! LOL see if he likes that better than his chafing subligar.

 
At 10:29 AM, Blogger Lokkin said...

Lol, nice one dave

"{GM}Dave smash."

 
At 10:38 AM, Blogger Bellemithra said...

"Third Party Programs make [GM]Dave angry.

[GM]Dave smash."

hehehehe!!!! Classic!

 
At 11:15 AM, Blogger BenoSmash said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 11:15 AM, Blogger BenoSmash said...

"[GM]Dave smash"

*Glee!*

I've been using that for years... But with my name and not [GM]Dave.

 
At 12:03 PM, Blogger Tigerlily said...

[GM]Dave, I salute you. ^^

(/salute)

 
At 12:11 PM, Blogger Angelfire Blackwolf said...

Well got pointed here today be a friend, and I have to say it's an entertaining read.

Fiction or truth.. who cares, it's hilarious.

Although I do see some similarities to the fiction 'bastard operator from hell' series. Ever seen those?

 
At 4:39 PM, Blogger Omnyrishaa said...

I doubt he would have actually died in Cape T, at the speed hes running, all he has to do is avoid the walls and he'll depop all the mobs.

 
At 5:26 PM, Blogger Dyne said...

Heh, Don't I know you from somewhere pyrolol? :P

 
At 3:22 AM, Blogger PandemoniumKaela said...

See now if all the GMs were as entertaining as you Id go looking for trouble, getting eatten by a dragon or smitten by a scary fuckin GM Warrior would more than make up for the mundane parties and dumbass kids we both have to deal with on a daily basis. Hopefully next time Im caught causing mischief of any sort or need to make a GM call I'll get someone like you lmao.

That blog was classy shit.

-Kaela of Pandemonium Server

 
At 4:35 AM, Blogger cyberstaff said...

I must admit, watching his corpse slide around Gusgen in Flee was just damned funny.

Poor bastard just gave up and HPed.

Wait.. did I forget to mention changing his homepoint?

I hope he likes Cape Terrigan.


classic fantastic mate keep going

 
At 9:33 AM, Blogger Pyrolol said...

Dyne said...
Heh, Don't I know you from somewhere pyrolol? :P


{May}{Bee}.

Dyne...doesn't ring any bells though.

 
At 1:18 AM, Blogger Absolute said...

...one day abbusive g33kb@st@rds on power trips wont be tollerated in any gaming environment.

Cheaters should be banned, as should abusive officials.

 
At 1:40 AM, Blogger Ristle said...

Absolute said...

...one day abbusive g33kb@st@rds on power trips wont be tollerated in any gaming environment.

Cheaters should be banned, as should abusive officials.


And those too super-ultra-mega-gundam-retarded to understand that this is a co...you know what? Fuck it. I've had enough of explaining to you tards. [GM]Dave is legendary for being able to deal with people like you day in day out.


I'd have let him go mining somewhere nicer, Like Ifrit's Cauldron.

 
At 4:16 AM, Blogger Minko said...

Nytorio said...

well all [GM]Dave has to do is trace yor IP from here and find a match on the servers. When he finds you,you will be F-U-K-T FUKT!

Not true. While blogspot may log IP's, Dave's blogspot does not. ANd even if he was able to grab hold of his IP, i dont beleive he would have enough sense to know what to do with it. He doesnt seem like the type of guy who studies TCP/IP.

And in any case, he isnt real. He is a pathetic little boy with a strange fantasy. He makes me want to vomit.

Go fuck yourself Dave.

 
At 8:28 AM, Blogger Pyrolol said...

And in any case, he isnt real. He is a pathetic little boy with a strange fantasy. He makes me want to vomit.

Go fuck yourself Dave.



^^

1) My IP isn't static. It changes every time I reboot.

2) GM Dave does not exist, *or* he does not do these things.


That said - I normally enjoy reading the blog.

 
At 8:28 AM, Blogger Pyrolol said...

And in any case, he isnt real. He is a pathetic little boy with a strange fantasy. He makes me want to vomit.

Go fuck yourself Dave.



^^

1) My IP isn't static. It changes every time I reboot.

2) GM Dave does not exist, *or* he does not do these things.


That said - I normally enjoy reading the blog.

 
At 8:42 AM, Blogger Laggy said...

i don't get it minko, why are you being such an asshole? It's people like you that spoil the fun all the time, take your internet hacker/cyber jiberish stuff somewhere else because it really pisses me off

 
At 11:24 AM, Blogger Onionsoilder said...

"Cheater>> I don't want to cheat."

The halarious thing about cheaters, is they are never cheating. They are just "using their computer."

 

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