Monday, June 12, 2006

Greatest Day EVER!!!

Alternate Title: "Snap, Crackle, Pop, Bitches!"

Yesterday was possibly the greatest day that I have ever experienced.

And I've had some pretty good days.

As you have probably figured out, I don't like gil sellers.

Now, hate is a strong word.

So, yes, I HATE those bastards.

There is no greater evil in our virtual world of Vana'diel than the gil sellers. They monopolize NMs. They ruin economies.

Plus, they are total pricks.

But due to certain "legal reasons", our hands were tied when it came to disciplining these people (read: ban smacking those bitches).

Well... the company's hands were tied. I pretty much just banned anybody that pissed me off and then made up a plausible reason for the report.

Unfortunately, those "legal reasons" kept us from taking an organized strike on the gil seller masses.

We didn't just ignore the problem, though. We watched. We watched and waited.

Still it was so incredibly annoying to be collecting all of this information on gil sellers and not being able to ban them.

I mean, it would look kind of damned obvious if I banned several hundred accounts in one day.

Can you imagine that conversation?

Supervisor>> Umm... Dave...
Supervisor>> You banned 400 accounts today.
[GM]Dave>> Shouting in Jeuno, sir.
Supervisor>> You banned 400 people...
Supervisor>> For shouting.
[GM]Dave>> No, sir. 399 were for shouting.
[GM]Dave>> One guy had too many vowels in his name.
Supervisor>> I hate that.
[GM]Dave>> Me, too, sir.

I was stuck filling out reports about gil sellers and barely making a scratch in their mindless horde. Sure, killing and banning the random retard was great for entertainment value, but it was like trying to empty a lake using a bucket.

A really, really, really stupid lake.

So, you can only imagine my glee when I walk into work yesterday morning and my supervisor says "Hey, guys. Today, we're going to ban more than 250 RMT accounts."

He might as well have come in and said "Hey, guys. We've decided to move Christmas to June."

Or "Open season on RMT retards, people. LOCK AND LOAD!"

The enter office was electric with excitement. It was like a group of kids in a candy store.

Except replace the word "candy" with the word "gun".

Today was the day.

Judgement Day.

The supervisor quickly handed out server assignments and a list of accounts. His instructions: simply perma-ban each account. If asked for a reason state "Due to extensive account tracking, along with complaints filed by other players, we suspect you have broken the Terms of Service, and are closing your account. We apologize for the inconvenience."

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Such a lack of creativity.

Luckily, I had been preparing for this. I had spent a great deal of my free time working with one of the Devs on a new program.

A special program.

A program I like to call MrWyvern.

Has a nice ring to it, huh?

I popped open a fresh bottle of Jack Daniels, logged into my server, started up MrWyvern, and warped myself to the RMTards.

Funnily enough, they were all congregated in one area around the Suzaku spawn point.

Seems several gil seller groups had banded together to take on bigger, tougher monsters.

Oh, the irony.

[GM]Dave>> Greeting, Adventurers.
[GM]Dave>> And how are you on this fine, fine day?
RMT1>> Uh... we're good.
[GM]Dave>> Excellent!
[GM]Dave>> We had reports of gil sellers in the area.
[GM]Dave>> Have you seen them?
RMT2>> Nope.
RMT2>> Just us.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry for the interruption then.
[GM]Dave>> If they show up, you let me know.
RMT1>> We will.
[GM]Dave>> Good luck with Suzaku.
[GM]Dave>> You're going to need it.
RMT3>> What does that...

Suzaku spawned purple and every single one of them started to warp to its position.

That's when MrWyvern kicked in and instantly warped Suzaku to Mordion Gaol.

And with it came every one of those retards.

RMT2>> OHDAMNOHDAMNOHDAMN
[GM]Dave>> What seems to be the problem?
RMT1>> You can't do this.
RMT1>> You have no reason to imprison us.
[GM]Dave>> Is comedic value a reason?
RMT3>> Let us out.
RMT3>> We have rights.
[GM]Dave>> No, no, no, good sir.
[GM]Dave>> You had rights.
[GM]Dave>> Now... not so much.
RMT2>> Kill Suzaku anyway.
RMT2>> He has to let us out eventually.
[GM]Dave>> Gee... looks like they got me there.
[GM]Dave>> Hmmm... I wonder what this key does.

A quick press of a key and MrWyvern's second function activated.

You cannot imagine the beautiful, beautiful irony of seeing six wyverns instantly warp into the room and surround the gil sellers.

And I made sure they spawned purple.

RMT3>> SWEETMERCIFULLORD!!!
[GM]Dave>>
Due to extensive account tracking

RMT2>> OH%^&*%^@*^%@#%^&*
[GM]Dave>> Along with complaints filed by other players
RMT1>> ZONEZONEZONE
RMT3>> Zone where you %$^&tard?
[GM]Dave>> We suspect you have broken the ToS
RMT4>> CURE ME PLZ!
[GM]Dave>> And are closing your account.
RMT2>> WE'RE DEAD!

Then the chat log filled with red.

RMT2 was defeated by Tiamat.
RMT3 was defeated by Vrtra.
RMT1 was defeated by Jormungand.

And on and on and on...

[GM]Dave>> We apologize for the inconvenience.
[GM]Dave>> Bitches.

You can't even understand the sheer joy, the unparalled bliss that came from watching those bastards die.

I swear I almost blacked out when I hit submit on their perma-bans.

Today, Vana'diel seems just a little bit lighter. We lost about 250 accounts worth of dead weight.

You're welcome.

41 Comments:

At 7:46 AM, Blogger Cyrex said...

haha, good one

 
At 7:58 AM, Blogger Curtisaw49 said...

"Open season on RMT retards, people. LOCK AND LOAD!"

Hah. Classic. I'm crying I'm laughing so hard.

 
At 8:24 AM, Blogger Myloko said...

Wow... that was AMAZING! Thanks for taking the dead weight off Dave ;)

 
At 8:27 AM, Blogger Lokkin said...

Lol, nice one Dave, this is great. A little bit of joy in return for bringing joy into OUR lives.

Can you say "Dave = Hand of Karma?"

 
At 8:55 AM, Blogger Hawklord2112 said...

so, like, you guys have office drinking games?
"every time you ban an RMTard, take a shot".

i think you guys single handedly keep the folks at Jack Daniels' brewereies alive.

you and the Tards, obviously.

 
At 9:00 AM, Blogger WHM of Death said...

Just goes to prove no Evil Deed goes un-rewarded!! [GM]Dave you are my Hero. Wish i could have seen that

 
At 9:16 AM, Blogger WHM of Death said...

Just goes to prove no Evil Deed goes un-rewarded!! [GM]Dave you are my Hero. Wish i could have seen that

 
At 9:22 AM, Blogger Aakawolf said...

... like cutting off a gangrenous limb, excising a tumor, or slicing off some fat-ass 'Tard-cancer.

You, sir, are a healer.

 
At 9:26 AM, Blogger [GM]Dave said...

I need Virtual HEEAAALLLIIIINNNN' BABY!

 
At 9:51 AM, Blogger HTL2001 said...

haha nice post

hmm... does that program have a "deluxe package" checkbox?

 
At 10:35 AM, Blogger Alexiel said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 10:55 AM, Blogger ColdhartedRagnarok said...

good one dave.

 
At 11:10 AM, Blogger Ryuusuke said...

this one is another classic really made me laugh thanks.

 
At 11:39 AM, Blogger Aoishi said...

Dave, I salute you.

 
At 12:47 PM, Blogger BishopRS said...

Only 250 of them? :(

 
At 1:10 PM, Blogger completely_let_down said...

When i went to playonline.com i was elated, but only for a short time. GM Dave i'm still not sure you are for real but nevertheless i and others i have told of you love you to death. That being said i was let down today; the high i got from the news that RMT accounts were removed made me more happy than a child at Disney world. Sadly upon logging on to Shiva server i found that the big fish are still out there floating around, still botting and talking trash whenever they claim NM (this trash talk is in chineese spelled with english characters and is loosely translated by myself and others i know). Please, if you honestly are a GM, continue with the removal of RMT. We can all benifit from it. The game economy can stablize and people can start to really have fun again.

 
At 2:02 PM, Blogger Krisnwo said...

Yeah, I second what the above said.

I think the only accounts banned were the "money holding" accounts. The big fish are still out there doing their work.


Nevertheless, open season on RMT brings a smile to my face. =D

 
At 2:04 PM, Blogger Feba said...

those are Wyrms, not Wyverns.

 
At 2:21 PM, Blogger SnuffedOut said...

Sooo... has anyone seen EXT's on your server? rumor on Carbuncle is that they switched servers... But I wonder if they just got banned during the last great RMT cleansing...

[GM]Dave, awesome as usual... I'm as straight as anybody, but for the first time ever you have me questioning my self in that regard... I hate you so much.

 
At 2:29 PM, Blogger leania said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 4:30 PM, Blogger leania said...

"Suzaku spawned purple and every single one of them started to warp to its position."

Lol... until yesterday I would have said that using a warp hack in front of a GM was a ridiculous idea beyond the stupidity of even gilsellers. That is, until I saw 4 gilsellers using warp/flee/bot hacks right in front of me and my friends with no apparent concern for the consequences. I mean, do you really NOT expect a player to call a GM when you set your hack to warp TO THAT PLAYER over and over again, up cliffs, through walls, and halfway across the zone?

"[GM]Dave>> Thank you for your call. I'll look into this.
[GM]Dave>> And by look into, I mean I'll mess that bitch up."

[GM]Dave, you are my hero. You should have been on Titan last night - the GM we got obviously didn't have your well-honed knowledge of when-players-are-too-stupid-to-live-and-must-be-banned.

On a lighter note, when that member of my party noticed that the gilseller was warping directly to him, he threw on sneak and just "happened" to walk into about 5 sahagins and devil mantas. Poor gilseller T-T Darwin's law triumphs again >:O

 
At 7:09 PM, Blogger Reality98 said...

Too bad 250 accts over 32 (33 counting test server) only means 8 accounts per server. So all in all it didnt do much. Especially since all the RMT that actually do all the nm work on Fagnorok are still around. However, [GM]Dave please keep up the work and kill these fags over and over and over.

 
At 10:01 PM, Blogger Dyamalos said...

I read the info on the bans and said "Sweet".


I read this and said "I hope to GOD this actually happened!"

 
At 10:15 PM, Blogger JeBe said...

A Wow-Gamer on a guildforum actually linked to your page...
...and followed: MAN id love to have him as a GM on our server!



NO!

 
At 11:14 PM, Blogger Deria said...

If you truly are a GM, then a thank you to you and your fellow workers for doing some weeding. I don't always agree with the way you dispatch, but I do enjoy reading your posts. If you have a drink tonight, may it be a good one.

 
At 11:24 PM, Blogger DeaconBlue said...

Lock and Load, keep on serving justice [GM]Dave

 
At 2:32 AM, Blogger Aeriel said...

"[GM]Dave>> We apologize for the inconvenience.
[GM]Dave>> Bitches."

LMAO i don' think there wasn't a section of that that didn't make me laugh really hard. The Legend that is [GM]Dave lives on!

Shame that its wasn't 2500 RMT then maybe they would be close to getting them all.

 
At 8:02 AM, Blogger Lazria said...

There is a purpose to the madness....and the higher powers do grant wishes once and awhile.

I so wish I could have heard the screams... *evil smile*

 
At 2:26 PM, Blogger Howard said...

I hate to burst your bubbles Gm Dave is fake somebody that posts on Allakhazam made him up..Oh well his blogs are still funny

 
At 2:30 PM, Blogger Howard said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 2:37 PM, Blogger Marc said...

[GM]Dave is fake like cartoons are fake. What's that got to do with humor, and enjoyment? I ASK YOU!

This is exactly how I'd be if I was a GM. Exactly.

(Good Stuff)

 
At 2:55 PM, Blogger Howard said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 2:58 PM, Blogger Howard said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 3:00 PM, Blogger Howard said...

http://ffxi.allakhazam.com/forum.html?forum=10;
mid=1144153078277263382

Copy all this and paste it into your Explorer bar.....The Truth about [GM]Dave

 
At 3:11 PM, Blogger Stocky said...

The hand of Dave was risen, and swiftly smacked down. I hope your ban stick has Added effedt: Burn modem.

 
At 7:34 PM, Blogger Z-Byte said...

Hah, you should be solely charge of banning the Gil-Sellers, Dave. They don't have legal rights in the game, there are plenty of them to try new, interesting ways of gleeful torture, and you only have to get used to one kind of stupid! The "omg but i didnt do nuthin lol" kind.

 
At 1:50 AM, Blogger Kirol said...

Thanks Dave. You're doing a bang-up job.
Keep up the good work. ;D
Heh. Reminds me of Fishbotters. Those guys suck.
Yeah, keep clearing the dead weight. Keep doing your thing.
Oh, is there a reason you can't just shut down the sites that do the actual selling?
It seems that cutting the re-generating roots of the gil-selling plant is hard, hard work.
If you give the plant no means of making energy, (or selling the gill in this case,) then it will wither and die anyway. Seriously. Think of the gillsellers as the roots. Deep in underground China.
The websites are the leaves.
Pull off the leaves, Dave. Pull them off.

 
At 9:20 AM, Blogger Fircefairy said...

That was AWSOME!!! Good work Dave!

 
At 1:20 AM, Blogger Lishje said...

/bowsdown

You're my god.. I'd give anything to be able to do that xD

 
At 3:48 AM, Blogger Ojofer said...

and THAT is what I call "a great day at work". Thank you so much, I have something great to go back to after my deployment :)

 
At 11:10 PM, Blogger tyranastrasz said...

[GM]Dave>> We apologize for the inconvenience.
[GM]Dave>> Bitches.

I'd just like to say, three years after reading it for the first time, this line STILL makes me laugh out loud every time I read it.

 

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