Bannable Offenses

Greatest Day EVER!!!

Alternate Title: "Snap, Crackle, Pop, Bitches!"

Yesterday was possibly the greatest day that I have ever experienced.

And I've had some pretty good days.

As you have probably figured out, I don't like gil sellers.

Now, hate is a strong word.

So, yes, I HATE those bastards.

There is no greater evil in our virtual world of Vana'diel than the gil sellers. They monopolize NMs. They ruin economies.

Plus, they are total pricks.

But due to certain "legal reasons", our hands were tied when it came to disciplining these people (read: ban smacking those bitches).

Well... the company's hands were tied. I pretty much just banned anybody that pissed me off and then made up a plausible reason for the report.

Unfortunately, those "legal reasons" kept us from taking an organized strike on the gil seller masses.

We didn't just ignore the problem, though. We watched. We watched and waited.

Still it was so incredibly annoying to be collecting all of this information on gil sellers and not being able to ban them.

I mean, it would look kind of damned obvious if I banned several hundred accounts in one day.

Can you imagine that conversation?

Supervisor>> Umm... Dave...
Supervisor>> You banned 400 accounts today.
[GM]Dave>> Shouting in Jeuno, sir.
Supervisor>> You banned 400 people...
Supervisor>> For shouting.
[GM]Dave>> No, sir. 399 were for shouting.
[GM]Dave>> One guy had too many vowels in his name.
Supervisor>> I hate that.
[GM]Dave>> Me, too, sir.

I was stuck filling out reports about gil sellers and barely making a scratch in their mindless horde. Sure, killing and banning the random retard was great for entertainment value, but it was like trying to empty a lake using a bucket.

A really, really, really stupid lake.

So, you can only imagine my glee when I walk into work yesterday morning and my supervisor says "Hey, guys. Today, we're going to ban more than 250 RMT accounts."

He might as well have come in and said "Hey, guys. We've decided to move Christmas to June."

Or "Open season on RMT retards, people. LOCK AND LOAD!"

The enter office was electric with excitement. It was like a group of kids in a candy store.

Except replace the word "candy" with the word "gun".

Today was the day.

Judgement Day.

The supervisor quickly handed out server assignments and a list of accounts. His instructions: simply perma-ban each account. If asked for a reason state "Due to extensive account tracking, along with complaints filed by other players, we suspect you have broken the Terms of Service, and are closing your account. We apologize for the inconvenience."

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Such a lack of creativity.

Luckily, I had been preparing for this. I had spent a great deal of my free time working with one of the Devs on a new program.

A special program.

A program I like to call MrWyvern.

Has a nice ring to it, huh?

I popped open a fresh bottle of Jack Daniels, logged into my server, started up MrWyvern, and warped myself to the RMTards.

Funnily enough, they were all congregated in one area around the Suzaku spawn point.

Seems several gil seller groups had banded together to take on bigger, tougher monsters.

Oh, the irony.

[GM]Dave>> Greeting, Adventurers.
[GM]Dave>> And how are you on this fine, fine day?
RMT1>> Uh... we're good.
[GM]Dave>> Excellent!
[GM]Dave>> We had reports of gil sellers in the area.
[GM]Dave>> Have you seen them?
RMT2>> Nope.
RMT2>> Just us.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry for the interruption then.
[GM]Dave>> If they show up, you let me know.
RMT1>> We will.
[GM]Dave>> Good luck with Suzaku.
[GM]Dave>> You're going to need it.
RMT3>> What does that...

Suzaku spawned purple and every single one of them started to warp to its position.

That's when MrWyvern kicked in and instantly warped Suzaku to Mordion Gaol.

And with it came every one of those retards.

RMT2>> OHDAMNOHDAMNOHDAMN
[GM]Dave>> What seems to be the problem?
RMT1>> You can't do this.
RMT1>> You have no reason to imprison us.
[GM]Dave>> Is comedic value a reason?
RMT3>> Let us out.
RMT3>> We have rights.
[GM]Dave>> No, no, no, good sir.
[GM]Dave>> You had rights.
[GM]Dave>> Now... not so much.
RMT2>> Kill Suzaku anyway.
RMT2>> He has to let us out eventually.
[GM]Dave>> Gee... looks like they got me there.
[GM]Dave>> Hmmm... I wonder what this key does.

A quick press of a key and MrWyvern's second function activated.

You cannot imagine the beautiful, beautiful irony of seeing six wyverns instantly warp into the room and surround the gil sellers.

And I made sure they spawned purple.

RMT3>> SWEETMERCIFULLORD!!!
[GM]Dave>> Due to extensive account tracking
RMT2>> OH%^&*%^@*^%@#%^&*
[GM]Dave>> Along with complaints filed by other players
RMT1>> ZONEZONEZONE
RMT3>> Zone where you %$^&tard?
[GM]Dave>> We suspect you have broken the ToS
RMT4>> CURE ME PLZ!
[GM]Dave>> And are closing your account.
RMT2>> WE'RE DEAD!

Then the chat log filled with red.

RMT2 was defeated by Tiamat.
RMT3 was defeated by Vrtra.
RMT1 was defeated by Jormungand.

And on and on and on...

[GM]Dave>> We apologize for the inconvenience.
[GM]Dave>> Bitches.

You can't even understand the sheer joy, the unparalled bliss that came from watching those bastards die.

I swear I almost blacked out when I hit submit on their perma-bans.

Today, Vana'diel seems just a little bit lighter. We lost about 250 accounts worth of dead weight.

You're welcome.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 6:17 AM