Bannable Offenses

[GM]Dave Offline - Vol. 3

I want you to understand how much I love being a GM.

Yeah, yeah. I know I say I hate the job sometimes, but that's only because of the players.

Customer service would be an awesome job if it wasn't for the customers.

The sheer, unadulterated power I wield is amazing. It is really quite intoxicating.

Well... the Jack Daniels helps.

There are few things I value as much as I value my position as a GM.

Here's the list in order:

1) my genitals
2) oxygen
3) being a GM
4) my computer
5) my PS2
6) Susan, probably.

So, you can imagine how I would feel about sharing that power.

Unfortunately, Susan asked me to let her "try it out".

I'm serious. That's exactly what she said.

Tomorrow, I'm going to ask her if I can borrow her ass and just "try it out".

Let's see how that goes, shall we?

Anyway, she posed the question and then I had to decide if I wanted to let her use my account.

Now, some of you are reading the list and saying "That's easy. Susan is lower on the list than being a GM. Therefore, she loses."

You silly, silly bastards.

If you check that list again, you'll notice that number 1 on that list is my genitals.

I am a man, afterall.

And since Susan is the current manager of the genital department, her happiness has a direct impact on number 1.

Thus, a simple request became a complicated system of interactions.

Plus, I totally wanted to get some, so there really was no choice involved.

Below, you will find the exact transcript of the conversation we had while she was using my account.

I'm telling you right now, that bitch better do something freaky for this or I'm going to be pissed.

[GM]Dave>> Okay, now log into Asura.
Susan>> Why Asura?
[GM]Dave>> Well... that's where the call came from.
[GM]Dave>> Otherwise, we're just loitering.
Susan>> I don't want to go to Asura.
Susan>> I want to go to Ragnarok.
[GM]Dave>> But we have to go to Asura.
Susan>> Do you always do what you're supposed to?
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> So type R-A-G-N...
Susan>> Wait...
Susan>> Maybe Bismarck.
[GM]Dave>> Or I could just ban your account.
Susan>> R-A-G-N...
[GM]Dave>> Okay, now select your GM character.
Susan>> They're all men.
[GM]Dave>> And?
Susan>> Why aren't there any women?
[GM]Dave>> I don't understand the question.
Susan>> Why aren't there any female GM characters?
[GM]Dave>> Too many bannings every 28 days?
Susan>> Wow.
Susan>> That was almost funny.
[GM]Dave>> I try.
Susan>> Now what?
[GM]Dave>> We find someone to "help".
Susan>> Did you just use air quotes?
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Yes.
Susan>> I've never wanted you more.
Susan>> Wait... I mean "wanted".
[GM]Dave>> Note to self: ban sarcastic Mithra bitches.
Susan>> Okay. Looking for someone to "help".
[GM]Dave>> Find someone who deserves it.
[GM]Dave>> You know. A gil seller or a botter or...
Susan>> That guy.
Susan>> He spelled Windurst with an H.
[GM]Dave>> Eh... good enough.
Susan>> What can I do with him?
[GM]Dave>> The question is what can't you do?
Susan>> Can I have 6 Galkas gang rape him?
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> That was a little scary.
Susan>> I'm very serious about my spelling.
[GM]Dave>> I assumed.
[GM]Dave>> No, you can't do that.
Susan>> Dammit.
Susan>> Can I just stab him in the face with my sword?
Susan>> It's all glowy.
[GM]Dave>> Sure. Why not?
Susan>> Yay!

So she runs up and, with absolutely zero warning, smashes the idiot with my greatsword.

Susan>> That was AWESOME!
[GM]Dave>> We usually like to tell them first.
[GM]Dave>> You know, give them a chance to explain.
Susan>> Do you just kill them anyway?
[GM]Dave>> Yeah, but it gives them a little hope.
[GM]Dave>> I give you points for surprise, though.
Susan>> Hehe.
[GM]Dave>> Dear...
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to have to ask you to stop tea bagging his corpse.

She seemed to really enjoy the experience.

As a matter of fact, it got her quite excited.

I might have enjoyed the ensuing sex, had she not started screaming "BANNED, BITCH! BANNED!"

I really should have started drinking earlier.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 7:12 PM