Wednesday, November 08, 2006

They Just Don't Give Up

I'll give the gil sellers credit. Those guys are dedicated.

Yes, they're dedicated to screwing us all over, but still.

Just when you thought they couldn't possibly get any worse, they come up with a new kind of bot.

This time, though, it's not an AH bot or a guild bot, an NM camping bot or a provoking bot.

No, no.

This time it's a teleport bot.

Yes, someone was actually retarded enough to program a teleporting bot.

This bot waits in Jeuno until someone shouts for a teleport. It then invites that player, waits for the player to arrive and will only teleport after being traded a minimum amount of gil.

The mind reels.

Who in the hell has enough time on their hands that they can come up with this shit?

Now, don't get me wrong. This no doubt required some major programming skills.

They may even have had to hack the Gibson.

But doing something difficult does not mean you did something intelligent.

I can take all day and my vast knowledge of physics and construct a giant machine whose only purpose would be to kick me in the groin.

Difficult? Yes.

Intelligent? No.

I was alerted to these new e-tards by a concerned citizen of Vana'diel.

GM Call Description: New bot in Jeuno.

See, now this is the kind of thing I usually feed someone to a dragon for. We get so many alleged "bot" reports each day that I generally skip the formality of listening to them and just sentence them to death by digestion.

The system works.

The word "new", however, piqued my curiosity.

I decided to give this player a minute of time to impress me. Also known as one minute to save their own ass.

It's a game I like to play.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> You have sixty seconds.
[GM]Dave>> GO!
Player>> Oh, wow.
Player>> Okay then.
Player>> See the thing is...
[GM]Dave>> Fifty-five seconds.
[GM]Dave>> I'd suggest talking faster.
Player>> There's this new bot.
Player>> In Jeuno.
[GM]Dave>> Fifty seconds.
Player>> Just shout (( Teleport-Mea )).
[GM]Dave>> Why would I do that?
Player>> Please?
[GM]Dave>> Fine.
[GM]Dave>> Whatever.
[GM]Dave>> Forty seconds, by the way.
(( Teleport-Mea )).

WhiteMage invites you to join his party.

[GM]Dave>> What the hell?
[GM]Dave>> Why is this guy inviting me?
Player>> That's the bot.
Player>> It's a telewhore bot.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Are you telling me that someone...
[GM]Dave>> Someone very, very stupid...
[GM]Dave>> Programmed a teleport bot?
Player>> Looks like it.
Player>> I've tried a bunch of different shouts.
Player>> You always get instantly invited.
[GM]Dave>> Huh.
[GM]Dave>> Let's try this out.
[GM]Dave: I need a (( Teleport-Mea )).

WhiteMage invites you to join his party.

[GM]Dave>> Well, I'll be damned.
Player>> And it won't teleport you unless you trade it gil.
Player>> At least 2000 gil.
[GM]Dave>> That is an impressive display of programming.
[GM]Dave>> Also, retardation.
Player>> So are you going to do something about it?
[GM]Dave>> Of course I am.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> If I told you that, I'd have to kill you.
[GM]Dave>> I'm serious.
Player>> Oh, c'mon.
Player>> Tell me.
[GM]Dave>> Okay.
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to ban him.
Player>> Really?
Player>> Cool.
[GM]Dave>> Are you ready?
Player>> For what?


Player>> What are you doing?

Jormungand hits Player for 15,732 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> I did warn you, you know.

So, I shout for a teleport again and the White Mage instantly invites me.

The same White Mage.

I rush to his position, trade him 2000 gil (that I took out of his own account), and he starts to teleport me.

This was enough proof for me.

Then again, I don't usually need very much.

I interrupted his spell and warped us both to Mordion Gaol.

Unfortunately, one of the things about dealing with bots is the fact that the player isn't there to witness the torture.

Where's the fun in that?

So, I waited for him to return.

I waited. And I waited. And I waited.

Actually, I played FFXII for most of it.

I played. And I played. And I played.

Finally, the White Mage suddenly looks around.

WhiteMage>> Where am I?
WhiteMage>> This isn't Jeuno.
[GM]Dave>> Well, aren't you sharp?
WhiteMage>> Oh...
WhiteMage>> Sorry. I was afk.
[GM]Dave>> You've been afk all this time?
WhiteMage>> Yup.
[GM]Dave>> Then how exactly did you teleport me?
WhiteMage>> ...
WhiteMage>> Uhhh...
[GM]Dave>> Good answer.
[GM]Dave>> Way to think on your feet.
WhiteMage>> Listen...
[GM]Dave>> Can I ask you a question?
WhiteMage>> ... Sure, I guess.
[GM]Dave>> How long did it take you to program the bot?
WhiteMage>> What bot?
[GM]Dave>> That's funny.
[GM]Dave>> Would you like to try again?
WhiteMage>> I have no idea what you're talking about.
[GM]Dave>> I wrote my own teleport program.
[GM]Dave>> Want to see?
WhiteMage>> Sure, but I still don't kno...

Jormungand hits WhiteMage for 18,564 points of damage.
WhiteMage was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> See?
[GM]Dave>> It transports you off my damned servers.
[GM]Dave>> Nice, huh?

I wonder if they have tele-whoring in WoW.


At 12:48 PM, Blogger mistmonster said...

LMAO I was wondering when you were going to feed one of these guys to a dragon.

At 12:57 PM, Blogger Seranos said...

Wow... I hate people.

At 12:57 PM, Blogger Strouse said...

Good job ridding FFXI of more idiots...and hey yes you did warn the guy after all...more sacrifices to the great Jormy

At 1:19 PM, Blogger token black guy said...

yo WTF YO!!! PPL USIN TELE BOTS YO!??! JUST WHEN I DECIDE I BE WANTIN TO USE TELE TO MAKE SOME LOOT!!! DAMN FUGGIN DAMN FUG FUGGIN DAMN ASSCRAB FUGGIN FUG!! SONOFAFUGGINWHORE COCKBALLLLLLZZZZ!!!!! im bizzy boutsta stab a nerdy azz whyte boy tanite cuz its dem who be makin deez bitch-azz progizams yo. shank!

At 2:05 PM, Blogger Bad Candy said...

well, as a wow player *cringe* I can tell you that I haven't seen any BOTS designed to perform services (like creating portals) for a fee. Then again, the playerbase would probably LOVE them, not report them.

At 2:19 PM, Blogger Music-chan said...

Yeah, as a WoW player I don't think they have any bots for that stuff. But then, travel is pretty easy in the game so most people wouldn't bother. And the people who DO want teleports and summons will just be annoying as hell until they get them.

At 3:01 PM, Blogger Artiamus said...

We got to hack the Gibson! Hack the planet!!

::ahem:: Anyway, someone was really damn bored. I wonder how much they made during it.

At 3:01 PM, Blogger Shadow said...

As ingenious as the code must be for that bot, there's a certain amount of investment in getting a character high enough to use teleport spells. Why would you risk that much time and effort?

oh wait.....RMTards, right.

At 3:30 PM, Blogger azza said...

in wow people who use bots have the bot *ding or something so they are alerted when someone messages them. that way they can avoid GM's getting proof their a bot.

but yes, the wow community would love rather than report these type of bots :P

At 3:30 PM, Blogger Soren said...

O.o Wow, what will they think of next? That's crazy... I wonder what will happen on Garuda, where most players charge 5k for certain tele's... Damn, now I don't have much incentive to level White Mage... except for Black Mage sub...

At 3:52 PM, Blogger Zarquon said...

Given enough time, people will think of a way to bot anything in FFXI. I wish I could look forward to a FFXI that's totally devoid of gilsellers, but sadly it's impossible to catch them all.

At 4:34 PM, Blogger Jed said...

Woah. I can say nothing but Woah. Anyone that knows just how hard that would be to make will agree with me.
Hmmmm... Jormybot maybe?

At 4:43 PM, Blogger OrtonRKO said...

I've been a reader for a while and, though I'm a WoW player rather than a FFXI player, I enjoy the stories.

Another great one here.
Also, thanks for referencing Hackers.

Hack the Planet!

At 5:41 PM, Blogger Kyir said...

The only thing close to this is a Water bot, basicly it talks in General Chat in capitals trying to sell Mage Water (Costs nothing at all to make, most people give it away for free), the amount of suck that happens in all MMOs hurts my brain.

At 6:11 PM, Blogger Xatticus said...

And I was just considering reactivating my FFXI account today...Well I cant on the grounds that my Content ID has been inactive for more than 3 months so my 30 black mage is probably gone.

As for WoW tele-whoring, no it doesn't exist. There are just people who complain and moan until everyone ignores them.

And as for your way of killing time waiting for an AFK person to return...FFXII FTW!

At 6:30 PM, Blogger Argentos of Windurst said...

...I gotta admit, a telewhoretation bot must have been pretty complex to code. Kudos to the dumbass for being smart enough to write it, but moronic enough to get fed to Jormungand.

At 7:22 PM, Blogger shelby said...

I was waiting for the WOW comment. haha. thanks dave!

At 7:53 PM, Blogger zerombr said...

Jormybot....omg that is just brilliant

have Jormy set up to automatically eat certain people when they /fish or whatever

much like the classic

script run /eat player

O.o I love it!

At 8:17 PM, Blogger Kikadper said...

I wish they had some kind of whore in WoW. Lousy game.

At 9:55 PM, Blogger Zamphire said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 10:34 PM, Blogger Pragma said...

[GM]Dave Wrote:

They may even have had to hack the Gibson.

[GM]Dave's awesomeness rises 732.4 points.

At 12:39 AM, Blogger luther349 said...

in wow you dont need tele woring you can teloprt yourself to places if you a mage if a warlock you can open portals and summion a member to you. if any other class you can simply fly walk ride or take a boat to somewhere else. and for teleporting back to a home locations all players have a herth stone usable once a hr to tele them back to whatever location they set it to any in in any town. hell in wow gil sells are prety mutch useless not to say stupid people still dont buy gil. its so easy to make money in wow and so many ways to do it. even thow its called gold not gill. hears a few ways kill thing all monster drop items or gold or both ake up a craft retty mutch anything is profitable except engernering lol that more a show skill then anything usefull. sel rare drops in the ah enchanters and simply normel players love em aka the greens.

At 12:47 AM, Blogger notkesirahonest said...

bah! That's not a bot, it's just a bunch of triggers. A kid could do it. Infact windower and such programs come with add-on's for it. Black mages use them all the time for magic burst.

Teleport-mea triggers the response 'invite blah'

trade triggers accept

then the gil triggers the teleport

Now, a REAL bot would have a modicum of intelligence. They wouldn't be reliant upon one word to trigger a response and so wouldn't blindly invite. See the difference is, a bot is a program. They are also much harder to catch. You could say hello to a bot and the bot will reply. I've actually seen some impressive bots that you could hold a fairly good conversation with. A bot can be used to farm, to run around killing things, healing itself, etc etc.

These 'fishing bots' and 'tele bots' are just triggers! It worries me a little that SE don't seem to know the difference (although it might just be that [GM]Dave doesn't). It would make actually preventing them and catching them so much easier.

But there again, it explains so much...

*shakes her head sadly*

Hrm infact, not sure if they are still there, but there were two/three rather impressive bots camping Jaded Jody on Seraph server a week or so ago. I was out there for jody's acid so had time to watch them. Now, if you send above (3 I think) tell's it sends an auto reply of 'don't speak english' whilst at the same time alerting a 'real' person. A few minutes later you get a real person to speak to. A real clue is that there are 3 people there but the person you speak to isn't always the 'real' person who replies. Another clue is the healing. At a certain % they will heal no matter what is happening. Although these are pretty clever, they have enough flaws if you watch them to realise they are bots.

At 2:39 AM, Blogger Cyrex said...

You can't use triggers in windower scripts, wanna show proof?

At 2:48 AM, Blogger Eirwen said...

Now teleportation gets whored?!

next time I need a Tele-somewhere, I send a /tell to the first invite; or I skip the first party invite and wait for a /tell from someone willing enough to show me he is a real player and wants to teleport me.

At 10:15 AM, Blogger Zarquon said...

When I go to telewhore when I'm hard-up for Gil, I have my big rack o' macros ready so I can teleport faster. I've been mistaken for a bot on a couple of occasions simply because I use my macros to get it done more efficiently.

I had a GM called on me once because of this once. He sent me a /tell asking to reply with a random color.
I replied, and we talked for a few minutes. Turns out the player who reported me was a guy whom I had teleported maybe five times that day, as he kept catching aggro and dying (forcing him to HP to jeuno and teleport back out). The GM was understanding about it, and assured me that nothing was wrong, but then I got a /tell from the dumbass player maybe twenty minutes later. It went something like this:

Idiot>> Why U still teleproting, I GMd u

Zarquon>> Because I'm not a bot, you dumbass. I just have a rack of macros set up to make 'porting more efficient.

Idiot>> ur a bot liar

Zarquon>> If I'm a bot, then how the fuck am I talking to you? At least TRY to think about this. Just don't hurt yourself doing it.

Idiot>> I GM u again now, bot

Zarquon>> Go ahead. There's nothing wrong with using macros to teleport people, and if I recall, I teleported you maybe five times today. You didn't seem to have a problem then.

A little while later, after teleporting a group out to Vahzl, I was whisked off to Mordion Gaol. I got a different GM this time. After the usual "Hello"'s, we got down to business.

GM: It seems you were reported as a bot earlier today. You're here right now because this is the second call we've recieved about you.

Zarquon: I know, and I guarantee that it was the same guy who reported me both times. he thinks I'm a bot because I have a macro rack set up to make 'porting more efficient, and because I automatically invite people when they shout for a teleport.

GM: Are you using any third-party programs?

Zarquon: No, when people shout, I /sea for them and send the invite. I'm not about to risk five years of work in this game for the sake of inviting a guy who needs a teleport faster. I leave that to the REAL idiots.

We talked for a few more minutes, and I was released back to Jeuno to continue.

At 10:16 AM, Blogger luna_panshiel said...

notkesirahonest, if it was nothing but triggers then how would it remember to teleport a person to the right crag?

if several people shouted for a teleport to 3 different locations, it would have invited them all based on your statement of it being a bunch of triggers.

it would need to remember what person goes to which crag and it would also need to be able to give automated chat so that people know how much to trade before getting teleported

At 12:16 PM, Blogger Arkaine said...

lol zarquon, don't you just hate when some overzealous player repeatedly tries to do that kind of thing?

And I have yet to see any kind of teleport bot in WoW, though I really don't see the point of having one in that game.

Warriors with staves ftw!

At 12:55 PM, Blogger Elvean said...

Hahaha I could let you go on with this one without commenting.
Because it's thanks to YOU I'm hooked now to WoW! Or better said.. to your lady??
The day she betrayd you... remember??

I started looking around to find a way to try FF.. but not finding it.
The thing I found was a WoW trial box.. and that was the beginning of my endings.
Haven't found a dragon yet..

At 1:20 PM, Blogger Naiiya said...


and that explains many thingies to this little absent minded whm :(

I was wondering how in the world someone could beat me to the punch EVERY time someone shouted for tele while i tried to taxi...
all i wanted was a little gil to continue leveling... sheesh..

its a shame when people find a way to exploit the ways honest players use to advance thier game.

i have no doubt i have competed against telewhore-bots on my server now.. my problem lies in the fact i play the game for fun and entertainment >.> not profit...

silly me..

keep up the good work [GM]Dave ^.^

At 2:41 PM, Blogger Myloko said...

Wow... these comments just proved how stupid WoW people are XD

At 3:06 PM, Blogger user71177 said...

i like the Hackers reference.

At 3:08 PM, Blogger Unbel said...

Law of averages dear Myloko - there'll be just as many tards in FFXI as there are in WoW.

Everyone likes to generalise, factions in WoW (omg allie r so dum lol!), game between game, etc. Doesn't hold water.

+1 for a teleport bot though, I rarely bother asking for a port anymore, unless it's from guildies - You'll get there quicker just using the transport available.

another cool blog dave. understandable if you're running outta steam after this long. owh and scotch > jd. good scotch anyway.

At 6:53 PM, Blogger Ninboy said...

lmao dave. now stop playing ffxii and entertain me with more posts. its all about ME!!!

At 8:46 PM, Blogger backlash said...

Wow, what jerks. and no, WoW doesnt have telewhoring. it costs to transport people and the person has to be with you so it gets expensive quick. to the last story while im at it. i thought you'd love to go undercover, jormy would have lots of new playmates when you were finished. think of all the gil sellers, now think of a different way to unmercyfully torture them all, each in a different way. you could have gil seller surviver, the winner gets a present, getting fed to jormy, the rest get...fed to jormy. sounds good to me.

At 11:56 PM, Blogger Cham said...

no portwhoring in wow, but i have a mod that'll distribute stuff to party members (food/water normally) that can also be setup to charge people for it.

At 5:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

One big giant sallahm to [GM]Dave on this one. Been so long since I tele'd out of Jeuno, I hadn't even known there were telebots...

On a side note, I was camping Hoo Mjuu McGoo the other day, and some one actually prayed to you for the drop...

At 9:10 PM, Blogger Dimensional said...

they do have tele-whoring in me, i was on skywall, in org and yelled "wtb port to UC" i was insta invited, and it said "1 gold plz" and then it started to make a port...funny thing is, it didnt wait for the gold, lol

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At 12:57 PM, Blogger luna_panshiel said...

funny, a blog post about bots and it gets raided by post bots

*points at Askinstoo*

At 11:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Soon there will appear bots that will be bots that will farm gil for bots =)

Skynet will p0wn this world..

At 11:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Soon there will appear bots that will be creating bots that will farm gil for bots =)

Skynet will p0wn this world..

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