Friday, November 24, 2006

Suck On That, Bitches!

So, I woke up yesterday morning and said to myself "Self, what would make us feel good today?"

And then, myself said "Hey, why don't we ban a whole bunch of retarded people?"

So I said "You know what? That sounds like fun."

Okay... So maybe it wasn't me who made the final call. I have to let the guys upstairs feel like they get to make some of the decisions.

We were on the floor doing our usual shift work when our supervisor came in. This would not have been an unusual thing had it not been for the look in his eyes.

Correction: the glimmer in his eyes.

He looked like a kid on Christmas morning. I have not seen a look of such pure joy since the time Susan and I went to a hotel with a mirror on the ceiling.

Something was up.

Something big.

Supervisor>> Can I have your attention please?
Supervisor>> Can I...?
Supervisor>> Seriously. Shut the hell up!
[GM]Dave>> Hey, boss.
[GM]Dave>> What's going on?
Supervisor>> We're doing another account sweep and ban.
[GM]Dave>> That's it?
[GM]Dave>> What is it this time? 300 accounts?
[GM]Dave>> 400?
Supervisor>> A little bit higher.
[GM]Dave>> What? Like 500?
Supervisor>> You're close.
Supervisor>> 11,500 accounts.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> I think I just wet myself.
Supervisor>> Yeah.
Supervisor>> We've been reviewing our legal options.
Supervisor>> Then we just decided to kick those bitches off our servers.
[GM]Dave>> Sir, I hope this doesn't sound out of line.
[GM]Dave>> Can I hug you?

We went to work and the accounts started to fall like dominos. One after the other, ban, ban, ban.

Most of the GMs were doing standard permaban protocol. They'd go to the accounts details, remove the player from the server if necessary and then close and delete their accounts.

Not me.

I felt each and every one of them deserved a personal send off. You know, one final "you fail at life, retards" before the door hits them on the way out.

Still, with 11,500 accounts to handle, I'd have to be quick.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> What begins with B and rhymes with Ban?
Player>> Umm...
Player>> Ban?
[GM]Dave>> If you insist.

And creative.

[GM]Dave>> Hola, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Como esta?
Player>> Uhhh... I don't understand.
[GM]Dave>> El Gilseller! El Gilseller!
[GM]Dave>> EL BANO! EL BANO!

And possibly a little insane.

[GM]Dave>> Do you have any gum?
Player>> No.
[GM]Dave>> BANNED!

By the end, I was running out of steam.

And jokes.

[GM]Dave>> Why'd the chicken cross the road?
Player>> I don't know.
[GM]Dave>> Cause he was BANNED!
Player>> ...
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> I have no idea.
[GM]Dave>> It made sense a minute ago.
[GM]Dave>> Whatever. You're banned.

When it was finally all over, I was mentally exhausted.

Still, when I sat back and looked upon the smoldering ruin that had been an RMT invasion, I couldn't help but smile a little.

We had taken back our servers, once and for all.

Well... Replace the word "all" with the words "a week."

Oh, shut up.

35 Comments:

At 9:56 AM, Blogger Josh said...

FIRST COMMENT OMG

GMDave, your not allowed to run out of jokes! keep 'em coming!

 
At 10:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Booo, i was one of the people banned, i dont know if i got the royal treatment by GMDave, i was in bed sleeping while my character was happy fishbotting. well luckily it's just a temp ban (again wohoo!). Not that I RMT but i refuse to waste my play time fishing and walking (I mostly flee hack and telebot with my program).
Anyway, even though i still would like to get some pity from the crowd, i just wanted to rant a little bit about how I am becoming paranoid with the RMT... I am beginning to think they have insiders working in SE. Take Wpamh and her linkshells in Bahamut (Gloreea and Tarutarubahamut), a NM RMT of fishbotter and cookcrafts that make sushi all day long. They were gone for many hours after the bannings and guess what happened? Squid Sushi finally rose from 8k a stack to 19k. A few hours later, however, they are back! All of them! While for those hours the AH didn't have any sales reported by them, now once again their names appear constantly.... hmm coincidence? I think not.
It's not like me to be paranoid, but when I knew someone in Seraph that claimed to be friends with a GM, of course i thought he was full of it, b/c he always had weird stories how the GM saved his butt or w/e. He was in my ls and on one occassion he and a group of LS members got sent to jail (screenshots and angry LS members to proove they were in jail), then they all got temp banned. Guess what, this guy calls his friend and next day he's back in the game while every other player has to do the rest of his/her sentence? Strange but who knows.
Anyway, if SE can't get rid of a bunch of players who RMT in your face in Jeuno all day long, then SE and their army of retarded GM's fail at life too!
P.S. I am just ranting b/c i feel lonely w/o my account, oh GM Dave, been the benevolent being that you are, won't you be a nice pal and reactivate my account? You could get a visit by the paypayl fairy ^_-

 
At 10:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey question:
I just found this blog b/c someone in the forums of the 3rd pt program i used posted a link to this blog recently (regarding the telewhore bots which our program offers).
These blogs are pretty amusing, but i am curious whehter they are just fictional accounts? Sounds pretty messed up lol. I mean i dont mind if GM Dave is a real GM who just does one of those "based on a real life story" type of thing alla hollywood style, it's still funny to read.

 
At 10:38 AM, Blogger Gambler_Justice[GJIG] said...

"[GM]Dave>> Why'd the chicken cross the road?
Player>> I don't know.
[GM]Dave>> Cause he was BANNED!
Player>> ...
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> I have no idea.
[GM]Dave>> It made sense a minute ago.
[GM]Dave>> Whatever. You're banned."

Awesome!

 
At 10:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If only GMs were as smart as [GM]Dave...FFXI would be such a better place indeed. Square Enix is a group of morons.

 
At 11:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Canicula, the rules are as follows:
1)Shut the hell up
2)If that offended you then this is not the right blog for you
3)You can bet The Dave and his *pet will be introducing themselves very soon

*Dragon. And that last one wasn't really a rule. Enjoy the blog, Dave is comedic gold, kinda.

 
At 11:06 AM, Blogger DJP3DRO said...

EL BANO! EL BANO!

XDDDDDDDDDDD

 
At 12:47 PM, Blogger American Golgi Apparatus said...

i love dave

 
At 12:52 PM, Blogger Shruki said...

"[GM]Dave>> El Gilseller! El Gilseller!
[GM]Dave>> EL BANO! EL BANO!"

i love it xD

 
At 2:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just wannna give a big /salute to [GM]Dave and all his underlings removing those evil RMTs from the system. On a side note, any idea when the total death count from the drunken revelry will be done?

By the way, I think the RMTs are getting desperate. As evidence, check into a character named "Dynamismoneybuy" in Lower Jeuno, Alexander server.

 
At 3:11 PM, Blogger notkesirahonest said...

If only it were only all RMT and only banned. Sadly after reading the full details on pol it was only actually 4000 rmt. Still, a nice start I guess. Barely a dent though when you consider thats across all servers...

 
At 3:51 PM, Blogger Zarquon said...

Good no you, Dave, ban those game-ruining mofos. I hope it was a great day for you (well, I'm pretty sure it was since you said it was). Anything the GMs can do to make the game better, I applaud.

 
At 3:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> What begins with B and rhymes with Ban?
Player>> Umm...
Player>> Ban?
[GM]Dave>> If you insist.

And creative.

[GM]Dave>> Hola, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Como esta?
Player>> Uhhh... I don't understand.
[GM]Dave>> El Gilseller! El Gilseller!
[GM]Dave>> EL BANO! EL BANO!"

I've been reading your blog since the day you started, and this one, I just had to post.
I started to lose interest a few weeks back...but after this post, I couldn't stop laughing. Great job!

 
At 3:52 PM, Blogger Zarquon said...

*well, that "no" was supposed to be an "on", but I guess I can't be a perfect speller every time.

 
At 5:16 PM, Blogger Meroduin said...

I... I can mine again. I CAN MINE!!!

THANK YOU [GM]DAVE!!!!

 
At 7:28 PM, Blogger tarinakarelia said...

lmao! yeah i logged in and saw the # of accounts... amazing. oh - and am i reading wrong or are people actually coming onto this blog to bitch about being banned for using fleehax and shit... irony anyone?? YOU DESERVED IT ASSCLOWNS!!!! you cheat: you lose. suck it up bitches! Grow some balls and do it the right way like the rest of us.

 
At 11:15 PM, Blogger Vatar said...

If they really wanted to get rid of gilsellers, all they have to do is ban the names on the Credit Cards. You can go out and get a new copy of the game or a new Credit Card (especially if you work for Allakhazam) but I'd like to be there when the CEO of Allakhazam explain to the government why most of his employes need to apply for new names every couple of months. >.<

FYI- How long is it gonna take SE to figure out that they are supporting Gilsellers by making Allakhazam a "Supported Site"?

 
At 11:23 PM, Blogger WanderingJ said...

[GM]Dave running out of steam AND jokes?

I think hell must have frozen over when that happened.

 
At 11:26 PM, Blogger Veinor Angiol said...

EL BANO! EL BANO!

That's all I needed to hear.

 
At 4:44 AM, Blogger notkesirahonest said...

Vatar...

I read your post, thought about it, read it again, decided that, yes, you were actually serious. read it again and tried to find some evidence that you didn't believe what you were saying, failed. Read it again. laughed. Shook my head. Laughed again. The failed to resist posting about it.


Be real mate. Alla is just a business venture the same as IGE is justa business venture, the same as the other business ventures they have purchased. People create companies etc to make money. They really don't give a flying fig about the stuff we do, just as long as the business venture is making them money.

Alla was purchased by the same company that owns IGE simply because it was a good business venture. it was another way to make them money. See, it's not good business to keep all your eggs in one basket. That can lose you a lot of money. Businesses don't want to lose money.

Incase you haven't noticed. Alla STILL isn't boasting IGE adverts, or removing bad publicity about RMT etc. That's because it's unrelated to the RMT business the compny also owns.

Slap yourself up the side of your head so your brain starts thinking straight again.

 
At 6:49 PM, Blogger Eirwen said...

As soon as read this update, I logged in and checked the areas I tried camping before.

Although Spook was heavily camped (as usual), I did notice some names missing form the list. Yay~!

and then Giddeus... looked like Hoo Mjuu the Torrent has an easy day kicking the rears of only 3 players.

And several other camps gotten more empty than before.

A big thanks to all GMs from FFXI for banning all those RMTs that day.

 
At 5:07 AM, Blogger token black guy said...

yo on my way to learn feather storm i as passing by hoo mjuu. i stopped looked around, and said to myself. "hmm noone is camping it? this is odd. lemme just kill a few mendicants and stick around for a minute." so thats what i did. about 15 or so minutes of waiting i decide to say ,fuck it, and just go learn my spell and go home when right in front of me pops that dirty filthy bastard. so in shock i look around again. noone. "this cant be." i say to myself. suddenlya faint "claim him you retard!" begins to make its way into my ears. "CLAIM THE GODDAMN BIRD!!!!" so as i regain my senses i say "oh my god! hoo mjuu! alone?! for me?!!!" i was a little afraid being a level 28 blue mage that i might not cut it but id rather die trying then not try at all. little did i know just how insane blue mage power is. so i bludgeon him to death and as if in slow motion hoo mjuu fall to my feet, feathers flying to and fro. i drop the controller. cross my fingers, and say "fuckin PLEASE fucking drop that damn staff. please" i mightve broken my fingers keeping em crossed like that. hoo mjuu....had droppped a monster signa staff. i couldnt believe it. so after i changed my drawers i came back made sure to put it up for 99bazillion gil in my bazaar i remembered that the night prior i met a japanese player named tittie. i had cheered him on for his amazing choice of names. i tried my best to communicate to him that i wanted to give him a linkpearl so he could say hello and everyone could enjoy his great name. tittie the taru. classic. every single time i tried to give him a pearl he would try and give me an onion. of all things he wanted to give me an onion. and boy was he determined to give it away. so finally i give in and make room for this wild onion i couldve gotten any time of the day and make the trade. i now realize it is a lucky onion. it is in my bazaar for 99bazillion gil too. with thanks to tittie the taru. good times.

 
At 5:31 AM, Blogger token black guy said...

holla!

 
At 12:03 AM, Blogger notkesirahonest said...

rofl!

I want an onion too!

 
At 12:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not that it wasn't funny cause it was but EL BANO means The Bathroom in Spanish lol.

 
At 12:56 AM, Blogger Cyberdragon said...

I don't know that makes it a little more humorious. your account going down toilet ^..^

Great post Dave and the the fishbotter/fleehacker canicula hopefully you get perma banned in the next sweep I have no use for cheaters.

 
At 2:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol you dumbass, i play on fenrir.
why are you banning ppl for no reason LMFAO.
you moron

 
At 11:30 AM, Blogger Jota Be said...

omg! Manbearpig!
the war/mnk that wanted to be the tank in our party in qufim after the leader had told him already that the nin/war would be it. The war/mnk that carelessly aggroed bogies, and caused wipe, and then told us that we were noobs, and if we wanted him to stay in the party, we would have to pay him.
He was kicked right away, of course.

 
At 4:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, i'm just here to defend James and his friend. No, i'm not james, anyways, it's not funny to say such things and waste ur time reading about him, sure go and enjoy yourself, by the way, by saying that someone is a retard, means he really sucks at english. And anyways, the people that keep saying you fail at life! ya sure, you havn't meeted them yet. My brother gave me this adress, and i went in on it, and readed about the things James said. I can't really understand how you can defend [GM]Dave, you all know it's not for real, seriously. I think he's just a stupid fag never reached level 75 and kept bragging that he's a GM, i bet you heard a Gm's problem and decided to start a blogg about it, you can't say people fail at life, i mean wtf. Your working in a game for god sake. You're the one that fail at life. I bet most will defend [Newbie]Dave, and say that i fail at life etc. Sure say that, but it's not true. I have a wonderful life. By the way i'm from sweden, make up something about that, please. I mean you keep making up things, just make up something else about this post.

By the way Dave, you sir, fail at life. That ain't a lie anyways, sorry.
Gl with your thief or whatever class you're playing, james.
Be happy that you got so many comments, liar. Hope a girl rapes you, loser.

By the way, Jennifer, yes you, you look like shit, seriously, i bet you lost your virganity with a loser like dave.

 
At 5:53 PM, Blogger semele said...

I wish you worked for WoW.

 
At 7:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Goddamn, Dave--wish you worked for Blizzard.

 
At 11:51 PM, Blogger crystal said...

So, I read the entries, and occasionally I read the comments... and this one was pure gold in my opinion.

"you can't say people fail at life, i mean wtf. Your working in a game for god sake. You're the one that fail at life"

How many people here would LOVE to get paid to play a game all day!? *raises hand* I know I sure would... especially since you don't have to deal with any of the dumbass people face to face. Oh, the glory that would be.

Not to mention the power you get, and the shiny armor too.

So you, oh wise commenter... may not fail at life, but you sure as hell fail at FUN.

 
At 6:23 PM, Blogger Cooper Rollins said...

did you really ban 11,500 accounts

 
At 2:42 PM, Blogger Robert said...

Billys on quetzalcoatl s such a telebot noone offers teles with instant invites and at any hour of the day.

 
At 3:58 AM, Blogger willhtate said...

GMDave. I am in Europe doing a research project on the PC components companies in the UK, France and Germany. Do you have colleagues in any of those countries who I could talk to?

 

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