Bannable Offenses

[GM]Dave Marathon - Vol. 1

Alternate Title "The Bane Of My Existence"

Of all the NMs that I have camped, there is one that I hate more than all others.

Actually... It's not technically an NM.

Yes, I'm talking about everyone's favorite puddle of goo, Stroper Chyme.

For some reason (and don't ask me to explain the logic behind this one), Stroper Chyme drops a really good ring.

I don't know why a pile of jelly has a ring.

He doesn't even have fingers, for Christ's sake.

So, we have this monster that drops a very valuable ring, right?

Not exactly.

The ring used to be worth a lot of money. I say "used to be" because all of the gil sellers had to go and retard up the system, so the ring was changed to be Rare/Ex.

I started camping for the ring long before this change. My initial intention was to get the ring and sell it for big money and fabulous prizes.

Then, a week went by and no ring.

And another week. No ring.

Then a third.

Are you starting to see the pattern?

To this day, I have killed this little bastard hundreds, if not thousands, of times. In all of those kills, I have never once gotten a ring.

I don't even really need the ring anymore. Oh, it stopped being about the ring a loooong time ago.

This is revenge now, baby.

Ahab is getting his whale.

Every now and then, when I have nothing else going on, I'll spend a few days camping this bastard.

With most NMs, this might get you two or three kills over those few days. Not with Stroper Chyme.

No, sir. This guy isn't technically an NM, remember? He spawns every twelve minutes.

Do you know what's worse than camping an NM and having to wait hours on end?

Camping a monster that spawns every freaking twelve minutes.

This is like NM camping for people with ADD.

You don't even get a chance to breathe. Of course they had to make the spawn area gigantic, so you have to literally run around every second that you're camping.

Fun.

Back when the ring was worth something and was horribly camped by gil sellers, the spawn area was very small. There were basically two places you had to look.

Now, the damned thing can spawn freakin' anywhere.

I think the devs do this just to hurt me sometimes.

Anyway, one time when I was on a particularly long camping binge, I started to go a little crazy.

That happens a lot, just so you know.

That's when something funny happened.

Another player showed up to try and get the ring.

You're probably asking yourself how in the hell that could be funny? I'm trying to get a ring and now another player shows up to compete with me. That sucks.

Usually, you'd be right. Not this time though.

The player's name was Chyme.

Having lost my mind (if I'd had any to begin with), this struck me as particularly funny. I quickly switched to my GM account and decided to have some fun.

[GM]Dave>> Give it to me.
Chyme>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Give me the ring.
[GM]Dave>> Right now.
Chyme>> What ring?
[GM]Dave>> GIVE ME THE GODDAMNED RING!
Chyme>> I don't know what you're talking about.
[GM]Dave>> I'M NOT F@%&ING AROUND!
[GM]Dave>> DO IT!
Chyme>> I don't have any ring.
[GM]Dave>> THAT'S IT!
[GM]Dave>> I GAVE YOU A CHANCE!

*WARP*

Chyme>> Oh Christ.
Chyme>> Where am I?!
[GM]Dave>> WE'RE IN MY HOUSE NOW, BITCH!

[GM]Dave hits Chyme for 4,974 points of damage.
Chyme was defeated by [GM]Dave.

[GM]Dave>> Dammit.
[GM]Dave>> No drop.
Chyme>> What the hell are you doing?!
[GM]Dave>> What's it look like I'm doing?
[GM]Dave>> I'm getting my damned ring.
Chyme>> I don't have your ring.
Chyme>> I don't even know what you're talking about.

[GM]Dave casts Raise on Chyme.

Chyme>> That's better.
Chyme>> You know, you can't just kill players like that.
Chyme>> It's not very n...

[GM]Dave hits Chyme for 5,661 points of damage.
Chyme was defeated by [GM]Dave.
Chyme falls to level 54.

[GM]Dave>> DAMMIT!

[GM]Dave casts Raise on Chyme.

This went on for a couple of hours.

In the end, I explained the joke to him.

He didn't find it very funny.

Some people have no sense of humor.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 5:17 AM