Monday, November 06, 2006

Be Vewwy, Vewwy Quiet...

The day is upon us, my friends. A day that shall live in infamy.

Today, we have thrown down the gauntlet. Today, we have drawn a line in the sand.

Today, we have declared war.


Well, today we began a long series of investigations.

But you can bet that some time in the future that we will probably send them an e-mail that will arrive at a time that is inconvenient.


I'm kidding.

This morning my supervisor came to me with a special assignment.

Supervisor>> Dave, I need you to go undercover.
[GM]Dave>> Uhhh...
[GM]Dave>> I'm flattered, really.
[GM]Dave>> But I don't swing that way.
Supervisor>> ...
Supervisor>> Did you ever get that psychological assessment?
[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> I just kept calling him Clarisse.
[GM]Dave>> He just smiled and let me go.
Supervisor>> You scare me sometimes.
[GM]Dave>> I get that a lot.
Supervisor>> ... Anyway...
Supervisor>> I need you to go undercover.
[GM]Dave>> I'm flattered, really...
Supervisor>> Oh, knock it off.
Supervisor>> We want you to go undercover as a gil buyer.
Supervisor>> That way we can track the transaction.
[GM]Dave>> You want me to pose as a gil buyer?
[GM]Dave>> That'll take a great deal of preparation.
Supervisor>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> In order to act like a gil buyer, I'll need a few things.
Supervisor>> Such as?
[GM]Dave>> Several sharp blows to the head.
[GM]Dave>> A lobotomy.
[GM]Dave>> The first two seasons of The OC.
Supervisor>> How about no?
[GM]Dave>> Sigh.
[GM]Dave>> Fine.
Supervisor>> Just act normal and it'll be fine.
[GM]Dave>> Gotcha, boss.
[GM]Dave>> Normal.
[GM]Dave>> That'll be easy.
Supervisor>> Normal for regular people normal.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Crap.

So, we called up one of the major gil selling companies.

I was getting the goat's blood and drawing a pentagram on the floor when my supervisor stopped me.

Apparently, evil has websites now.


Operator>> Hi, this is Mary.
Operator>> I feed on stillborn babies.

Okay... I'm paraphrasing.

Operator>> Hi, this is Mary.
Operator>> Would you like to place an order?
[GM]Dave>> Are you a cop?
Operator>> ...
Operator>> Excuse me?
[GM]Dave>> I know how these things work.
[GM]Dave>> This is a sting.
Operator>> No, sir.
Operator>> I'm just here to take orders for gil.
[GM]Dave>> Fine.
[GM]Dave>> Give me a dozen.
Operator>> So, twelve million then, sir?
[GM]Dave>> DEAR GOD, NO!
[GM]Dave>> Twelve gil.
[GM]Dave>> I need to pick up a distilled water.
Operator>> I'm sorry, sir.
Operator>> We cannot process orders that small.
Operator>> We only sell gil in the millions.
[GM]Dave>> Why would I want that much distilled water?
[GM]Dave>> That makes no freakin' sense.
Operator>> No, sir.
Operator>> You could buy other things.
[GM]Dave>> Like what?
[GM]Dave>> Rock salt?
[GM]Dave>> That's still an awful lot of rock salt.
[GM]Dave>> What could I do with that much rock salt and distilled water?
Operator>> No, sir.
Operator>> You could use it to buy weapons and armor.
[GM]Dave>> Oh, no thanks.
[GM]Dave>> They gave me this nifty armor.
[GM]Dave>> And an onion sword.
[GM]Dave>> It really is nifty.
Operator>> You could use it to buy new equipment.
[GM]Dave>> Why would I need a million worth of gear at level 1?
Operator>> You could buy it as you level.
[GM]Dave>> Why would I need a million worth of gear at level 2?
Operator>> No, sir.
Operator>> I don't think you understand.
[GM]Dave>> And whose fault is that?
[GM]Dave>> How am I supposed to know this stuff?
Operator>> I apologize, sir.
Operator>> You use gil to buy new items as you progress in the game.
[GM]Dave>> Well, duh.
[GM]Dave>> Everyone knows that.
[GM]Dave>> You're being silly.
Operator>> Sir, if you don't order gil, I'm going to have to end this call.
[GM]Dave>> Wait, wait.
[GM]Dave>> I'll order 5 million gil.
Operator>> Thank you, sir.
Operator>> Let me start that order for you.
[GM]Dave>> I have one more question, if you don't mind.
Operator>> Yes?
[GM]Dave>> How do you work the gambit system?
[GM]Dave>> I think I'm lost.
Operator>> Gambit?
Operator>> What game are you playing, sir?
[GM]Dave>> FFXII, moron.
[GM]Dave>> Is my gil ready yet?
Operator>> ...
Operator>> I...

That's when she hung up.

Or logged off.

Or returned to the stygian depths of hell.

I thought the call went very well, but my supervisor had some constructive criticism.

At least... I think it was constructive.

Mostly, he just banged his head off the wall.

I guess we'll have to try again tomorrow.

I thought it was a good call.


At 5:13 PM, Blogger Angelsilver said...

So XII is that good Huh? (That's interesting.

At 5:14 PM, Blogger Angelsilver said...


At 5:34 PM, Blogger Ryuusuke said...

OMG that was way to funny especially the ending loved it

At 6:03 PM, Blogger Strouse said...

Dave is my hero, my utter and true hero

At 6:06 PM, Blogger Ichiroson said...

best ending... ever

At 6:31 PM, Blogger shelby said...

I loved the ending! Thanks dave! you=my hero.

At 6:42 PM, Blogger Myloko said...

Lol that was great XD That gambit system pisses me off too!

At 7:11 PM, Blogger Eirwen said...

Great ending Dave!

I can not wait to get my hands on a copy of FFXII.

Is the Gambit system that bad, Myloko?

At 7:18 PM, Blogger Nayathril said...

The Gambit system isn't as bad as it sounds. It works with the fighting style of the game, and is pretty easy to get use to, none the less overide. It can be annoying, but its fine more often than not.
and thanks dave. The Gambit question is what got me laughing XDDDD

At 7:42 PM, Blogger Kikadper said...

Gg, sir, gg. I do sorta feel bad for that girl. The wrath of [GM]Dave. It's like dealing with a moron who is really a genius. But still. Gg.

At 7:49 PM, Blogger WanderingJ said...

I heard that FFXII felt like an MMORPG, but this is ridiculous. :P

At 7:52 PM, Blogger Feba said...

FFXII? I thought it was FFXI Offline...

At 9:21 PM, Blogger Neokarsh said...

That entry is made of win.

At 10:05 PM, Blogger Jed said...

I would like to purchase 5 million gil and a level 500 party for ffta if its not too much trouble.

At 1:37 AM, Blogger The Answer said...

XD loved the ending. absolutely beautiful.

At 2:03 AM, Blogger NooBStudenT said...

Nice finishing toutch.

Loved it!

At 4:30 AM, Blogger token black guy said...

the gambit system is not hard. if you cant figure it out it is because you have general mental problems. its basically the answer to searching through macros. if ur eating and need on hand to play set a gambit to attack the nearest foe adn then move the control stick with one hand and eat with the other. imagine FF11 with a party of 3 people (50% less retarded) and the 3 people that you DO have do precisely what you tell them, i.e. your whm actually heals when your hp falls below 50% without bitching and moaning. play enuff FF12 and when you so much as look at FF11 again you'll want to vomit. you get this wierd sense of relief knowing that in the game you're playing noone is camping your NM noone is putting things up in the AH for wayyyy too much gil, if you hate chocobos i killed 3 of them last night. i dont know how else to describe this game's glory. lets just say if u like FF11 you will love FF12.


At 4:33 AM, Blogger token black guy said...

another quick note. i just re-read my post and id like to state it is 7:25am and i was up by 5am. so yea im a little out of it.

At 5:19 AM, Blogger zerombr said...

TBG that was probably the most well thought out post you've written so far, maybe you should stay up late more often! ^_^

At 5:32 AM, Blogger melolontha said...

Think I should any longer read your blog during my working hours.
I was laughing so loud my colleagues were looking very suspiciously. :-D

At 5:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love my [GM]Dave fix first thing in the morning. Really wakes me up for the day with all the guilt free laughing. I've been dragging these last few days without my wake up LOL.

It reminds me of my husband's annoying sense of humor. I scold him for being rude but he knows I love it. He loves teasing telemarketers, survey calls, and annoying relitives until they hang up.

And I love FFXII and the gambit system is a real hastle saver. I don't want to worry about curing the little whinny dieing people. That's is best purpose so far along with saving me the trouble of worrying about getting my steal in but I'm only a few hours into it and love it.

At 7:23 AM, Blogger Godz said...

Hahah very funny post! First time to comment however I've been reading your stuff for a while, I actually read every post =P

Anyways me and my gf bought FFXII october 31'st (the day it came out) and we love it, the gambit system is so awesome, you can just control your party's AI and have them do exactly what you want, without having to mash the X button 99999999 times.

Keep up the good work Dave you rock!

At 7:36 AM, Blogger WHM of Death said...

I had a Friend who went to a gil buying site and 'chatted' with the operator....he asked to buy 100 MIL gil and wondered if he could send them a check....or make installments...he tormented that person for almost 20 was hysterical!! HHHHmmmmm I wonder if he is [GM]Dave

At 10:42 AM, Blogger Bellemithra said...

"[GM]Dave>> Give me a dozen.
Operator>> So, twelve million then, sir?
[GM]Dave>> DEAR GOD, NO!
[GM]Dave>> Twelve gil.
[GM]Dave>> I need to pick up a distilled water."

I lost it right there!!!!!! That was the funniest ever!

At 1:17 PM, Blogger Cookie said...

Bad [GM]Dave, No pickin on people who sell gil for a living ...
Now, go and pretend to buy more gil, if you get that same person a few more times on the phone you might make her commit suicide and save FFXI from yet another Gilselling retard ...

At 1:47 PM, Blogger Zarquon said...

I went to a gilbuying website once. Not to buy gil, I hasten to add, but to see exactly how much real-world money people were willing to waste to look cool in a game. The amount of money people will pay for a few million gil is, frankly, astonishing. We aren't talking ten bucks, here, we're talking hundreds of real-world dollars (or whatever your local equivalent is) for money that is only good in an online game.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the very DEFINITION of retarded.

At 2:02 PM, Blogger Exc said...

Kudos. Another lmfao post.

But I didn't get the title :(

At 5:08 PM, Blogger Jed said...

Its a covert mission.
He's like solid snake and just as badass.
No wait - big boss. Yeah, big boss > sanke....

At 7:47 PM, Blogger jdubs said...

if i might make a friendly suggestion, i've just started reading this blog a few weeks ago when a friend showed it to me so i'm not sure how things are done around here but here goes:

i'm an L2 play and it, as an mmorpg, has its adena (l2 gil) buyers and sellers. a few of the players on our server enjoyed putting in prank calls, recording them, and then making them available for the community to download on some of the forums.

i was thinking that it would have been great to actually hear this instead of just reading.

i do understand that this is @ work and probably not exactly plausible, and it would also mean additional work for Dave, but i'm just putting it out there as an idea.

anyways. funny stuff, i wish L2 gm's where like you dave.

At 8:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

exec said...

Kudos. Another lmfao post.

But I didn't get the title :(

I take it you've never watched bugs bunny & elmer fudd

Supervisor>> Just act normal and it'll be fine.
[GM]Dave>> Gotcha, boss.
[GM]Dave>> Normal.
[GM]Dave>> That'll be easy.
Supervisor>> Normal for regular people normal.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Crap.

I lost it right there, that was the most hilarious i've read in awhile.

At 11:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Operator>> Hi, this is Mary.
Operator>> I feed on stillborn babies.

Okay... I'm paraphrasing.

Operator>> Hi, this is Mary.
Operator>> Would you like to place an order?
[GM]Dave>> Are you a cop?



At 3:56 PM, Blogger tarinakarelia said...

"be vewwy vewwy quiet" ... for those that didnt catch the reference.... it is infact a bugs bunny /elmer fudd reference as jhes said, and is followed by "im hunting wabbits"... which in this case is substituted by gilsellers. i guess its only funny if you ever watched the cartoons. which apparently there are actually people in the world who havent seen them ;; i weep for society.


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