Do any of you know the biggest complaint people used to have about the blog?
No, not that it wasn't funny.
No, not that I didn't update enough.
No, not that... What the hell are you? The blog police?
Too much Jormy.
Yeah, that was the biggest complaint.
Too much Jormy.
I had no idea how to take that. Was that constructive criticism?
Jormy is an integral part of my entire "I hate stupid players" genre.
You like Star Wars, right? Of course you do.
Now, imagine if fans started saying they were using lightsabers too much.Fan1>> Oh, another lightsaber battle.Fan1>> How original.Fan2>> Yeah, totally.Fan2>> It's like every battle they just pull out their main weapon.Fan1>> Boring.
So, I made the carefully weighed decision not to write about Jormy any more.
And do you know what the biggest complaint has been since I started writing again?
No, not that it isn't funny.
No, not that I don't update enough.
No, not that... Oh, shut up.
Not enough Jormy.
I get e-mails, comments, death threats.
All asking for more Jormy.
Do you know how weird that is in a death threat?
"I'm going to tear your chest open and feed on your soul. I will disembowel you with a rusty blade and feast on your entrails. Also, could you write more Jormy stories. They make me giggle."
Fine. You want Jormy?
YOU GOT JORMY!
I have just spent the past 72 hours feeding everyone and everything to a big, purple dragon.
No, narcotics were not involved.
I don't think narcotics were involved.
Narcotics may or may not have been involved.
Three glorious days of feeding anything that moved to Jormy. If it sent a GM call, it got eaten. If it looked at me funny, it got eaten.
No more reading chat logs. No more reviewing accounts.
I never do that anyway, but now I can blame you guys.
I was practically vibrating on my way to work. My entire body seemed to be pulsing with energy.
On an unrelated note, the night before I created a new beverage composed of coffee, red bull, and Jack Daniel's.
As I logged in, I paused for a moment to consider what I was about to do. I was about to rain fire down on Vana'diel. No account would be spared from my wrath. It was terrible and beautiful, and I took a moment to ask myself if I really wanted to do this.
When I stopped laughing, I finished logging in.
Usually, I dread the sound of a GM call coming in. That incessant ding that makes my head hurt and my spirit die a little.
Not that day.
Instead, I opened the GM call queue and waited, my breath shallow, like a wild animal patiently stalking my prey.
*DING*GM Call Description: LS leader stole LS bank and changed servers.
In case you don't know how this story goes, a linkshell usually has a person in charge of:
a) all the money
b) all the expensive gear
c) both a) and b)
This person works with the entire linkshell over several months to accumulate a large LS bank that should support the group and make them better overall.
That person then steals everything and changes servers and basically screws over everyone who worked for months.
Aren't people grand?[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.[GM]Dave>> Welcome to Bismarck.Player>> Oh... Hi.[GM]Dave>> Are you enjoying yourself on this new server?Player>> Yeah. It seems nice.[GM]Dave>> Good, good.[GM]Dave>> That is some nice gear you've got there.Player>> Uhh... Thanks.[GM]Dave>> So, why'd you transfer to Bismarck.Player>> No reason really.Player>> Just felt like a change.[GM]Dave>> Felt like going somewhere you've never been before, huh?Player>> Exactly.[GM]Dave>> Do you enjoy irony?
Area: Mordion GaolPlayer>> What's going on?[GM]Dave>> Welcome to scenic Mordion Gaol.Player>> Why am I here?[GM]Dave>> I'm going to show you someplace you've never been before.Player>> Oh... okay.Player>> This is nice.[GM]Dave>> I didn't mean here.Player>> Then where am I going?[GM]Dave>> A lovely new area. Not very big.[GM]Dave>> How do you feel about purple?Jormungand hits Player for 15,844 points of damage.Player was defeated by Jormungand.
Jormy 1, idiots 0.
Back to stalking my prey.
I started scrolling through the unanswered calls.
Sure. Why not?[GM]Dave>> Your girlfriend called.[GM]Dave>> She also thinks you're too quick.Jormungand hits Player for 12,972 points of damage.Player was defeated by Jormungand.
Jormy 2, idiots 0.
A few of the other GMs started looking at me funny. I suppose the maniacal cackling wasn't helping.
One after another, I fed idiot after idiot to Jormy.
I couldn't stop.[GM]Dave>> DRAGON!Player>> Where?Jormungand hits Player for 19,856 points of damage.Player was defeated by Jormungand.[GM]Dave>> Right there.
That one made me giggle.
Jormy 7, idiots 0.
I didn't even care what they did anymore.
I banned one guy for poor spelling.[GM]Dave>> YOUR REIGN OF TERROR IS OVER![GM]Dave>> This will teach you to misspell words!Jormungand hits Player for 14,577 points of damage.Player was defeated by Jormungand.Player falls to level 73.
Jormy 23, idiots 0.
Okay, I'll admit it. I started to lose control.
It was around number 37 that I realized I might be going a little overboard.[GM]Dave>> Your name has too many vowels![GM]Dave>> BANNED!Susan>> You better be joking.Jormungand hits Susan for 14,803 points of damage.Susan was defeated by Jormungand.Susan falls to level 74.
Jormy 37, idiots 0.
Divorces 1 (possibly).
It also occurred to me around number 58.[GM]Dave>> RMT activity![GM]Dave>> EAT HIM JORMY!Attendant>> Sir, you have to pay for your gas.
Jormy 58, idiots 0.
Gas stations I'm no longer allowed to visit... 1.
I don't know how long I lasted. Time ceased to exist and I only measured its passage in terms of empty Red Bull cans.
Finally, I was overcome by exhaustion and fell asleep at my desk, my face pressed firmly into my keyboard.
When I woke hours later, I found a level 46 Taru running away from Jormy in his own moghouse.
And a chat log filled with the letter G.
Also, I may have misplaced some office equipment.
Like a stapler.
Or a server.
If you're on Leviathan, I've got some bad news.
Still, three straight days of Jormy should satisfy you people.
Unless I banned you during those three days.
Which is actually a pretty good possibility.
Then you might not appreciate it so much.
Man, you people are hard to please.
Please Don't Forget About...
You know that warning you see whenever you go to log into FFXI?
Of course you do. You've seen it eighteen bajillion times.
That is really good advice.
You really shouldn't forget about your family, your friends, your school, or your work.
That is the most important, steadfast rule of FFXI.
What about those times when you totally WANT to forget about those things?
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting this as a lifestyle.Moron>> Hey, [GM]Dave told me to forget about my family.Moron>> Screw you, kids.
But what about all those mind-numbingly boring moments of the day where you really, really, REALLY just want to forget all that shit?
You're at work. You're filling out all that annoying paperwork.
Always in damned triplicate.
Yeah. Who'd want to forget about that?
You know, the whole time you're thinking "Man, I could be meriting right now."
Can you honestly try and tell me you don't zone out and start thinking about playing during the day?
But that's the beauty of it.
That warning means don't forget about those things while you're playing
We don't want you playing all the time. You've got important things to do in your life.
Okay... You've got things to do in your life.
It's still okay to think about the game while you're doing those things.
You should be able to get up and leave the game anytime you want. That's normal.
Just take the game with you.
No, no. Put down the laptop.
Thinking about the game all the time is perfectly natural. It's your body's natural defense against the inherent stupidity of the everyday world.
Traffic backed up for miles? Think about crafting.
Stuck in a line up at the supermarket? Think about Dynamis.
Some people would say you're developing an unhealthy preoccupation that borders on obsession or perhaps even addiction.
What the hell do they know?
Do you know what I think when people suggest I'm addicted to FFXI?
I think as long as you're doing everything you're supposed to do in the real world, it's okay to think about the game as much as you like.
I do it and we all know I'm not addicted, right?
If You Can't Beat Them...
I've decided to beat the spammers at their own game.
I am currently working on a design for the ultimate accessory, the wang watch.
This is going to be revolutionary. I'm going to completely redefine the field of penis time keeping.
It's not that big a field.
Up to this point, the entire field consisted of using it as a sundial.
But no longer. The R & D department at [GM]Dave Inc. (ie. me) is hard at work developing our prototype.
This is going to be the biggest thing to hit fashion since that thing that's really big in fashion right now.
Give me a break. I'm a guy. I don't know fashion. I pick my outfits based on what is least dirty.
The design process is going a little slow. How exactly do you design a watch to be warn on your second-in-command?
I'm definitely leaning towards velcro.
No metal clips.
And, of course, it will play mp3s.
Everything plays mp3s.
Don't worry ladies. [GM]Dave hasn't forgotten about you. I'm working on a ladies version as well.
Though it's really more of a clip-on.
I call it the Twatch.
And yes, I did write this entire update just so I could use the word Twatch.
What? I'm tired.
Like most people, I spend a lot of my time checking my e-mail. It helps me keep track of all my fan mail and any impending litigation.
It's an important resource in today's world.
And, in order to utilize that resource to it's fullest potential, I make sure that my spam filters catch anything that might not be important.
Any e-mails from players on Lakshmi.
Those freaking stupid forwards about angels or babies or angel babies.
You know, useless crap.
Just for a laugh, though, I like to occasionally take a look through my spam folder.
Now, you're probably thinking this is going to be a rant about all the spam guys get about getting a larger penis.
That shit doesn't bother me.
Most of it is actually pretty funny.
"You get bigger tool, she make scream now."
That's comedy gold, right there.
No, the weird part is that I get a huge amount of spam trying to sell me watches.
Think about that.
My spam folder is comprised of ads for either a larger johnson or watches.
Isn't that a strange juxtaposition?
Apparently, internet spammers have done years of market research and discovered that people are extremely concerned with both the size of their reproductive organs and knowing the current time.Guy1>> Hey, I know the current time.Guy1>> And when I get an erection, I faint from blood loss.Guy1>> I'm very happy.Guy2>> Dammit. I'm not aware of the time.Guy2>> And my junk is embarrassingly small.Guy2>> I could be better.
And not only are we preoccupied with these two things, but we are SO preoccupied that we appreciate receiving information about these topics multiple times each day.
I figure, I could answer both kinds of ads.
That way, when my manhood becomes even larger, I'll have an extra place to wear all the watches their trying to sell me.[GM]Dave>> Gee, it's 5 pm up here.[GM]Dave>> I wonder what time it is in the southern hemisphere.
I'd have to stay away from one of those kinetic watches.
That would probably require a great deal of waggling.
There's some lovely mental imagery, huh?
There's a slight chance one of you may have been sent a fan pack that included a "personal" video clip of Susan and I.
I would appreciate it if you didn't share that with anyone.If you even thought of going to check, you're a sick, sick person.Sick.
Fan Pack Sent!
I have to say, I'm pretty happy with the fan pack.
I included a new [GM]Dave story (including Jormy), a new GoblinSmithy story (including Pathfinder), and the much requested shoe story (including shoes).
Also included is a pamphlet I created when I was still developing my own religion, Davism.
We're like Branch Davidians, but replace the crazy with video games.
So basically, we just play video games.
The pack also includes the first of hopefully many game reviews and a new treat, [GM]Dave demotivational posters.
And, since a few people asked and it is a busy week for some people, anyone who donates by Friday will still get sent the pack. I realize people get paid on various days, so I figure this is the best solution.
Why are you still reading this?
If you donated, you should be in your e-mail getting your pack.
If you didn't donate, you don't care about the fan pack anyway.
And you're still reading.
Seriously. Go get your pack.
Truly, The Greatest Day Of The Year
I would like to say a special thanks to a very special person.
Yesterday was a very special day for me. Other people can have their Christmas or their New Years. They can take Valentine's and Halloween.
But St. Patrick's day? That's my holiday.
There's no other motive behind St. Paddy's day. You can drink on any holiday, but this is a day DEVOTED to drinking.
St. Patrick: patron saint of liver damage.
I don't even know what happened last night.
Here's an entire record of everything I remember yesterday:
-> Work day ends
-> Find nearest bar
-> Start drinking
And that's it.
I woke up five minutes ago with a hangover, an empty wallet, and a t-shirt that says "Kiss My Ass, It's Irish!"
The strange part is that I actually found a half-written blog post that I had apparently written at some point during the night.
Unfortunately, since I doubt anyone would be entertained by my thoughts on why I think my shoes are out to get me, I decided to delete it.
Note to self: mixing different types of alcohol is a bad idea, not a challenge.
Note to shoes: screw you.
Anyway, now that I'm actually awake, I'll be working on the fan pack. I really think you guys are going to enjoy this one.
Also, while I was drinking, I'm pretty sure I ran into GoblinSmithy. He and Pathfinder will be making an appearance in the fan pack this month.
I'm not sure if that's good news or not.
[GM]Dave Is Not Social
Perhaps I am not making something clear.
I know that many of you think that I am a very nice person.
To the untrained eye, I may appear cuddly and warm. Not unlike a teddy bear.
This, however, is misleading.
I am not a friendly person.
I am not cuddly.
A psychiatrist might attribute this to social anxiety.
I attribute it to that fact that the majority of people I meet being are retarded.
Some people go out of their way to be social.
They throw parties.
They're nice to people.
They don't feed people to dragons.
That's not me.
I actually go out of my way to be UNsocial.
I don't use MSN.
I do not facebook.
Or use any of the other bajillion social networking sites out there.
Why would I do that?
Hey! I don't like anybody, but let's sign up to let people bother me on a 24 hour basis!
That's a great idea!
After that we can go do some shots!
Now, why am I writing this?
Well, among the many e-mails (and e-fails) I get each day is a frightening number of invites to join someone's "network".
Don't get me wrong. I don't mind this.
I actually appreciate that you want to be my friend.
Unfortunately, you are a people.
And I don't like people.
I don't want to sit down and check your facebook status.
I don't want to see your photo album of your sister's wedding.
I don't want to know that you joined Fans of WHAM.
I just don't.
Don't be offended if I do not accept your request.
Or go ahead and start a facebook group about how offended you are.
It's not like I'll know.
We're friends. Good friends.
We're just good friends who don't interact with each other in any way, shape, or form.
That's the kind of friend I can deal with.
March Fan Pack
I'm thinking next Wednesday is a good day to send out the pack. This way those people who have holidays over next weekend will get it before then.
As usual, the fan pack will contain a bunch of extra stories, a few pictures, and whatever else I can throw in there.
I'm even thinking of starting a video game review article where I give my perspective and opinion on some of the older FF games.
See? Now, you'll know exactly what you should think.
Isn't that great?
What would you do without me?
So, if you've already donated, you can expect your fan pack Wednesday evening.
If you haven't donated... well... What are you waiting for?
Remember, only fan club members will be spared when the revolution comes.
If you act now, I will also spare your family and loved ones.
Except that weird uncle.
That guy is totally not included.
The funny part is most of you knew immediately which uncle I meant.
I'll be back later tonight with an actual update. I'm working on one about all the little things that really annoyed me during my lengthy hiatus.
Basically, it's a transcription of all the rants that I subject Susan to each day.
On a related note, the doctors think she'll be off the shock treatments soon. She's starting to use full sentences again.
This is a message to all the Dragoons.
You guys know I love Dragoon. It's my main job when I'm playing AND I somehow found an actual job where I can summon my own dragon.
This is not an anti-dragoon rant.
This is an anti-whining rant.
During the recent update, a new weapon was added, the Thalassocrat. It's a great polearm (long pointy stick) with some great stats (anything on the other end of said pointy stick usually dies).
This is good news, right?
Of course not.
Instead of people being very happy about this, I've heard nothing but whining about how the Mezraq is now useless.
That's another pointy stick.
Things at the other end of it also tend to die.
It's a theme.
Ever since Salvage came out, people have done nothing but complain about how hard it is to obtain a Mezraq because the main materials involved suddenly became very desirable.
We added the Valkyrie's Fork.
Things on other end die.
People complain that the thing is too hard to obtain because you have to take part in a series of difficult battles instead of just having the thing crafted.
So, we take your suggestions (always a bad idea), and we put them together.
1) people want a polearm that's better than the Mezraq
2) people want a polearm that doesn't require highly sought after items to make
3) people want a polearm that can be easily obtained
Put these together and what do you get?
It's a new polearm that's superior to the Mezraq.
It does not use any items that are highly sought after.
It is not difficult to obtain.
Everything is good, right?
When have you ever read this blog and heard something that went the way it was supposed to?
As soon as news of this polearm broke, Vana'diel went nuts.
Apparently, doing exactly what people ask you to do is the surest way to make as many people mad as possible.
People are raging mad that their incredibly expensive Mezraq is no longer incredibly valuable.
That Mezraq that you bought two days ago for 2 million gil is now worth 500,000 gil.
Assuming you can sell it.
Which is not extremely likely.
Damn thing is practically worthless, right?
It's funny though. I went out into Bhaflau and swung it at a colibri.
Thing still died.
Listen. I know you worked really hard to get that Mezraq.
It's a great polearm.
It's STILL a great polearm.
Is it worth as much as it was a few days ago?
But the new polearm isn't expensive either.
You'd just be replacing your current polearm with a slightly better one.
No loss, right?
See, you WANT that Mezraq to be worth a lot of gil.
That way you could sell it and buy the cheaper new polearm and have fat stacks of cash.
If you were happy with the Mezraq three days ago, you should be happy with it today.
If you trade up, all the better.
You were stabbing monsters with a polearm. Not a stack of gil.
You were planning on holding on to it forever.
A weapon is worth two things: the weight in your hands and the hole it makes in your enemies.
Keep it. Sell it. Trade it.
I don't care.
Just stop whining already.
I never thought SE had something against me personally.
I'm a good employee.
I work hard.
Sometimes, I even go out of my way to raise morale around the office.
Who do you think suggested open bar Fridays?
And open bar Thursdays?
Or crazy hat day?
One day, I just came into work wearing a silly hat. I figured I could spread some good cheer amongst my fellow GMs.[GM]Greg>> Hey, Dave.[GM]Greg>> Nice hat.[GM]Dave>> Thanks.[GM]Greg>> Where'd you get it?[GM]Dave>> I got it at your house.[GM]Dave>> The guy behind me in line didn't have change for a dollar.
And off he ran.
I guess he wanted to go get a hat for himself.
It was nice to cheer him up like that. I heard a couple of days later that he was having some marriage problems.
So, you see, I'm a nice guy.
Shut up. I'm nice.
That's why I was surprised when SE decided to personally hurt me.
Oh, no. Nobody got fired.
A while ago, I made a decision.
I was sick and tired of waiting for games to be translated into english before I could play them.
This is how games are usually released:
-Japan gets a new game
-14 years later, the US gets the same game
-by this point, Japan already has the third in the series
-some point in the distant future, mankind has taken to space travel
-Europe gets a tentative release date
As a gamer, this greatly frustrated me.
So, I made the decision to learn Japanese.
I started as any sensible person would: sushi, anime, and loudly singing "I'm turning Japanese."
I really think so.
Finally, after a great deal of work, I felt I was making good progress. I could actually understand some Japanese.
No longer would I have to wait for localization. No longer would I have to wait for someone to translate a game into english.
And then, I get a memo.
Nice cover sheet on it, too.
Apparently, SE has decided that they are going to release future games simultaneously around the world.
/em is angry.
I realize this is "good" news.
No more waiting. Yay.
But what about all my hard work?
Imagine a guy who just finished years of work on developing and creating a new media format.
Now, imagine that format was the HD DVD.
At least I can do other things with my knowledge of Japanese.
I can help more players.
Does anyone know how to reformat a brain?
We appreciate feedback.
We really do.
Indeed, we wait with bated breath for your suggestions on how we can make the game better.
Sometimes, it's good.
Except replace the word "sometimes" with the word "rarely".
My particular favorite is the many (many, many, MANY) suggestions we get on how to "balance" the job system.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to create balance in a system that has 20 entirely different job classes?
They have different abilities.
With different roles.
One might even say they were DIFFERENT JOBS
Suppose your house was on fire.
No, it's not really on fire. Sit back down.
It's a metaphor, stupid.
So, your house is on fire.
A firefighter shows up.
A police officer.
Maybe a paramedic.
And then a shoe salesman.
A shoe salesman.
Now, a shoe salesman might not be as helpful in this type of situation.BurnVictim>> Someone help me!BurnVictim>> I'm hurt!ShoeSalesman>> You know what you need?ShoeSalesman>> Sneakers.
But he shows up anyway.
And then starts complaining that he's not as helpful as the other people there.ShoeSalesman>> This is so unfair.ShoeSalesman>> Damned firefighters with the...ShoeSalesman>> Saving people...ShoeSalesman>> From fire...
He starts going on all the fire-fighting related forums.Post Title: Fire fighting unbalancedy is it every time there's a fire, everyone invites the firemen? they should totally nerf firefighters.
Then he starts calling up the fire department.ShoeSalesman>> I have some good ideas on how to balance the fire fighting system.ShoeSalesman>> They should adjust the strength of the fire.ShoeSalesman>> Or maybe make the fire weak to... shoes.FireChief>> Have you lost your mind?ShoeSalesman>> That totally wouldn't make shoe salesmen overpowered.ShoeSalesman>> We'd just be a viable job class.FireChief>> I'm going to hang up now.
There are situations where a shoe salesman would be helpful.
You need a new pair of nikes? Helpful.
You need a nice pair of high heels? Helpful.
You need someone to keep you from burning to death? Not so much.
But the shoe salesman still expects you to completely revamp the entire system to make them more "balanced".
Here is how I might respond to the aforementioned shoe salesman:GET ANOTHER DAMNED JOB!
If you want to fight fires, BECOME A FIREMAN!
I hate people.
Tomorrow, I'm going to go kick a shoe salesman in the balls.
And when he asks for medical help, I'm calling a dry cleaner.
Let's see how he feels about balance then.
Someone please shoot me.
All the elvaans just missed.
Bah dump pssshhhhh.
I consider myself somewhat tech savvy. I know how to use a computer and I know how NOT to use a computer.
It's really not that hard.
For some reason though, I have become the tech guru for my family.
If something uses electricity and does not work, they call me.
They call me and I die a little inside.
And it's not just computers. Apparently, my ability to use computers makes me some form of expert on TV repair.
This would be frustrating except for the fact that the problem is usually something so stupid that anyone with the slightest clue would be able to figure it out.FamilyMember>> Firefox disappeared off my computer.
Dave>> You accidentally deleted the shortcut.
FamilyMember>> The blender broke.
Dave>> Maybe you should plug it in first.
FamilyMember>> I can't get the microwave open.
Dave>> That's a television.
I mean is it that hard to learn how to use electronics anymore?
If they made some of these things any more idiot proof, someone would come to your house and use it for you.FamilyMember>> Can I listen to my ipod?
TechGuy>> Go sit the hell down.
TechGuy>> I'll bring you the headphones in a minute.
FamilyMember>> I like that Avril Lavigne.
TechGuy>> Go sit down.
So, we're at Susan's parents house.
Actually, I was at Susan's parents house. Susan was gone shopping.
The only people home were me and her mother.
No good could come from this.
I'm upstairs using their "computer".
I use quotation marks because that thing barely qualifies as a computer. It's a 1 Ghz celeron with 128 megs of ram and running Windows ME.
I actually wash my hands when I'm done.
Anyway, I'm using the "computer" when I hear those dreaded words:SusansMom>> Dave?SusansMom>> Can you help me with something?
Maybe it won't be anything bad.
Maybe she needs help lifting something.
Anything but electronics.SusansMom>> I think the remote is broken.
So, I go downstairs and find Susan's mother kneeling in front of the television stand and shaking the remote furiously.
I submit diagram A.
The other guys who get suckered into doing this probably already see the problem.
In case you do not, I have prepared a second diagram.
She had been sat there for 10 minutes trying to change the channel.
She didn't bother to once try pointing the remote at the cable box.
The cable box she herself purchased.
I explained it to her.
Her response:SusansMom>> Well that's just dumb.
And if I had killed her, I would have gone to jail.
Where's the justice?
This, of course, leads us to Diagram C
My head still hurts. I think I may have given myself brain damage.
At least they wouldn't ask me for help anymore.
Remember all those amazing cutscenes? Those storyline moments that brought the game to life for you?
Yeah... I don't either.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
It's really the story of FFXI that sets it apart from so many other games. It makes all the grind worthwhile.
Still, given the sheer amount of cutscenes that it takes to tell such a big story, you can be forgiven for forgetting a few.
Luckily, one of the guys over at ffxionline.com has taken the time to record and organize all the storyline elements from the game into video segments, and then made them available to everyone for free.
I have to say, it's pretty cool to watch. It's like starting over again and getting to see the game from a fresh angle.
I just wish I'd come up with this idea first.
Anyway, I figured some of you guys might like to check it out. The original storyline and Rise of the Zilart are already uploaded. The rest will come when they're ready.
Enjoy.Final fantasy XI Legends of Vanadiel Storyline Scenes
I can celebrate if I want to.
I decided to get a head start on the March fanpack. This way, when I still don't have it done on time, I'll get to try out a creative new excuse.
"Sorry the pack was late. My hands fell off. Damned leprosy."
"The pack will be a little late. So is Susan."
"Got a little delayed. I died this morning... Crap."
I like being creative.
Usual rules apply. Anyone who donates $5 or more to help support the blog (and my drinking habit) will become a member of the official* [GM]Dave fanclub.
Note: it's not really official. I just thought that sounded cooler.
Each member of the fan club will have a fan pack full of goodies sent to their e-mail. Just some extra stories and some other fun stuff as a way of saying thanks.
Also, the top donator each month will be given the opportunity to take part in the blog in some way. You can suggest a story idea, ask me to feed a friend to a dragon, or help you dispose of a body.
If anyone reading this is a law enforcement officer, I have never helped anyone dispose of a body.
If Fred is reading this, don't worry. They won't find the body.
See? The fan club has all sorts of fun benefits:
- additional fan club exclusive stories
- fun pictures and wallpapers
- dead body disposal
I like to give back to the community.
Wow. Post 250.
To think that I have written 250 rants in this blog.
It really tells you something, doesn't it?
I have WAY too much time on my hands.
I thought long and hard about what I could write for number 250.
This was, of course, incredibly important so I sat down and wouldn't let anything distract me.
Five minutes later...
I'm playing Playstation.
I can't help it if I have a short attention hey something shiny.
What was I saying?
So, I'm playing Playstation. A few days ago, I decided to give FFXII another run through.
No, it had nothing to do with a certain helmet.
Anyway, I'm setting up my gambits for my characters.
For those of you who haven't played FFXII (what's the matter with you?), gambits are basically instructions you can set for your characters so that the other people in your group will follow preset rules that you have given them.
That's when an idea came to me.
Actually, "came to me" is putting it far too lightly.
This idea fell from the heavens and struck me in the brain. It was as if a giant light bulb flickered and then blazed inside my head.
There may have been a chorus of angels.
I'm not sure.
I immediately went to work moving Susan's computer across the room so it was side by side with my own.
This was made all the harder by the fact that Susan was using it at the time.
Do you know how hard it is to take a computer that someone else is using and move it across the room with them complaining the whole time?
Some people are so inconsiderate.
When little miss yappy finally gives up and stalks away muttering something about hiding a body, I log in on my main account and then use Susan's computer to log into my GM account.
I quickly form a party on my main. We've got a good set up. Things are looking good.
This is usually where the story takes a turn for the worse. This is usually where some moron does something stupid and blows it all to hell.
Notice that I said "usually".
You see, I've figured out the problem with massively multiplayer online games.
It's those damned other people.
But what if we could take those people out of the equation?
What if I had the ability to control another player's character?
Huh.RedMage>> Something weird's going on guys.RedMage>> My macros aren't working.Paladin>> Mine either.Paladin>> But my character is still casting spells.WhiteMage>> WHAT THE HELL?!Dave>> Yeah...Dave>> That's weird.Dave>> I totally don't know why that's happening.WhiteMage>> Can you still control your character?Dave>> Of course I can.BlackMage>> WHY AM I CASTING BLIZZARD?BlackMage>> I'M NOT PRESSING ANYTHING!Dave>> Yup.Dave>> Complete mystery.Dave>> And that was Blizzard II.RedMage>> Maybe we should all log out or something.Dave>> Yeah, you should try that.Dave>> Dammit. It didn't work.RedMage>> How did you know it didn't work?Dave>> Well, I disabled your log out.Dave>> Made sense to me.Paladin>> YOU DID WHAT?!Dave>> Oh, calm down.Dave>> Look at the exp we're getting.Paladin>> GIVE ME BACK CONTROL!Dave>> I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave.RedMage>> THIS IS INSANE!Dave>> I know.Dave>> Your name's not even Dave.Dave>> That line would have been awesome if your name was Dave.Dave>> Why isn't your name Dave?Dave>> Stupid Not-Dave.BlackMage>> FORGET IT!BlackMage>> I'M GOING TO UNPLUG MY ROUTER!Dave>> You could do that.Dave>> Of course, then I'd have to ban you.RedMage>> YOU CAN'T DO THAT!RedMage>> IT'S NOT FAIR!Dave>> Yeah...Dave>> Tough call.Dave>> On the one hand, you are a person.RedMage>> THAT'S RIGHT!Dave>> Of course, I hate people.Dave>> Not really seeing a dilemma here.
And so, we spent the next four hours partying. No one died and we made a hell of a lot of exp.
We all had a great time.
For all I know, they left to go make a sandwich or something.
You know, the game would be a lot more fun if people were just a little bit more accommodating.
Or were replaced by a number of preset commands.
Yeah, robots would be awesome.
Now, many of you may be thinking it wasn't right to just take over their accounts and make them do whatever I wanted them to.
Maybe you're right.
But let me ask you something: did Balthier ever get your entire party killed because he had to go answer the phone?
Something to think about.
Man, this has been a looooooooooong week.
Friday was quite possibly the strangest day of my life.
Some of you may remember Susan's nephew Jerry.
It seems Jerry's class was doing one of those career day things where some kid's dad explains what it's like to be a tax accountant and all the other children die a little inside.
Unfortunately, both of Jerry's parents had to work that day.
I'm pretty sure that's ironic.
Anyway, who do you think Jerry decided to ask to take their place?
Since I'm writing this story, the answer should be readily apparent.
I will give Jerry some credit though. He played this one smart.
Had he called me directly, the call would have gone like this:Dave>> Hello?Jerry>> Hi, Uncle Dave.Jerry>> It's me, Jerry.Dave>> Oh, hey, Jerry.Dave>> What's going on?Jerry>> I was wondering if you could come to career day for me.Dave>> Yeah, Dave's not here right now.Dave>> Not sure when he'll be back.Jerry>> Uncle Dave?Dave>> Shouldn't be too long.Dave>> I'll tell him to call you.Jerry>> I know it's you, Uncle Dave.Dave>> No hablo ingles.*click*Dave>> Good kid, that Jerry.
Jerry, however, is not as dumb as you might think.
He called Susan.
This is how the call actually went:Susan>> Hello?Jerry>> Hi, Aunt Susan.Jerry>> It's me, Jerry.Susan>> Hi, Jerry.Susan>> What's up?Jerry>> Could you ask Uncle Dave if he'll do me a favor?Susan>> Oh, he'll do it.Jerry>> You don't even know what it is yet.Susan>> Doesn't matter.Susan>> He'll do it.
That's my wife, ladies and gentlemen.
Note to self: retain divorce attorney.
Anyway, I had been voluntold into young Jerry's career day.
This, however, left me with a huge problem: how do I explain my job to a group of children?[GM]Dave>> Hi, kids.[GM]Dave>> I play video games all day.[GM]Dave>> For money.
Yeah... That'll prepare them for the real world.
Maybe I should emphasize the down side.[GM]Dave>> Hi, kids.[GM]Dave>> I spend my day dealing with retards.Teacher>> I hear ya, brother.
On Friday, I was an hour away from career day and still had no clue what I was going to say to his class.
I just decided it would be best if I went in their and winged it.
What could go wrong?
Wait... Kids aren't impressionable, are they?
Crap.Teacher>> Class, this is Jerry's uncle.Teacher>> He's a... Game... Master.[GM]Dave>> Thank you.[GM]Dave>> Well, kids, I'm a Game Master.Kid1>> What's that?Jerry>> He plays video games all day.[GM]Dave>> Not exactly.[GM]Dave>> I help players in an online role-playing game.Kid1>> You mean like WoW?[GM]Dave>> ...[GM]Dave>> No...Kid2>> My dad plays WoW.[GM]Dave>> That's great...Kid3>> Mine, too.[GM]Dave>> Yeah, you know what else your dad does?
I have been "asked" not to return to career day.
All I said was that the kid's dad loves his mom very much.
Maybe not in those exact words...