Saturday, March 29, 2008


Do any of you know the biggest complaint people used to have about the blog?

No, not that it wasn't funny.

No, not that I didn't update enough.

No, not that... What the hell are you? The blog police?

Too much Jormy.

Yeah, that was the biggest complaint.

Too much Jormy.

I had no idea how to take that. Was that constructive criticism?

Jormy is an integral part of my entire "I hate stupid players" genre.

You like Star Wars, right? Of course you do.

Now, imagine if fans started saying they were using lightsabers too much.

Fan1>> Oh, another lightsaber battle.
Fan1>> How original.
Fan2>> Yeah, totally.
Fan2>> It's like every battle they just pull out their main weapon.
Fan1>> Boring.

So, I made the carefully weighed decision not to write about Jormy any more.

And do you know what the biggest complaint has been since I started writing again?

No, not that it isn't funny.

No, not that I don't update enough.

No, not that... Oh, shut up.

Not enough Jormy.

I get e-mails, comments, death threats.

All asking for more Jormy.

Do you know how weird that is in a death threat?

"I'm going to tear your chest open and feed on your soul. I will disembowel you with a rusty blade and feast on your entrails. Also, could you write more Jormy stories. They make me giggle."

Fine. You want Jormy?


I have just spent the past 72 hours feeding everyone and everything to a big, purple dragon.

No, narcotics were not involved.

I don't think narcotics were involved.

Narcotics may or may not have been involved.

Three glorious days of feeding anything that moved to Jormy. If it sent a GM call, it got eaten. If it looked at me funny, it got eaten.

No more reading chat logs. No more reviewing accounts.

I never do that anyway, but now I can blame you guys.


I was practically vibrating on my way to work. My entire body seemed to be pulsing with energy.

On an unrelated note, the night before I created a new beverage composed of coffee, red bull, and Jack Daniel's.

As I logged in, I paused for a moment to consider what I was about to do. I was about to rain fire down on Vana'diel. No account would be spared from my wrath. It was terrible and beautiful, and I took a moment to ask myself if I really wanted to do this.

When I stopped laughing, I finished logging in.

Usually, I dread the sound of a GM call coming in. That incessant ding that makes my head hurt and my spirit die a little.

Not that day.

Instead, I opened the GM call queue and waited, my breath shallow, like a wild animal patiently stalking my prey.




GM Call Description: LS leader stole LS bank and changed servers.


In case you don't know how this story goes, a linkshell usually has a person in charge of:

a) all the money

b) all the expensive gear

c) both a) and b)

This person works with the entire linkshell over several months to accumulate a large LS bank that should support the group and make them better overall.

That person then steals everything and changes servers and basically screws over everyone who worked for months.

Aren't people grand?

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Welcome to Bismarck.
Player>> Oh... Hi.
[GM]Dave>> Are you enjoying yourself on this new server?
Player>> Yeah. It seems nice.
[GM]Dave>> Good, good.
[GM]Dave>> That is some nice gear you've got there.
Player>> Uhh... Thanks.
[GM]Dave>> So, why'd you transfer to Bismarck.
Player>> No reason really.
Player>> Just felt like a change.
[GM]Dave>> Felt like going somewhere you've never been before, huh?
Player>> Exactly.
[GM]Dave>> Do you enjoy irony?


Area: Mordion Gaol

Player>> What's going on?
[GM]Dave>> Welcome to scenic Mordion Gaol.
Player>> Why am I here?
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to show you someplace you've never been before.
Player>> Oh... okay.
Player>> This is nice.
[GM]Dave>> I didn't mean here.
Player>> Then where am I going?
[GM]Dave>> A lovely new area. Not very big.
[GM]Dave>> How do you feel about purple?

Jormungand hits Player for 15,844 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

Jormy 1, idiots 0.

Back to stalking my prey.



Screw this...

I started scrolling through the unanswered calls.

Flee tool.

Sure. Why not?

[GM]Dave>> Your girlfriend called.
[GM]Dave>> She also thinks you're too quick.

Jormungand hits Player for 12,972 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

Jormy 2, idiots 0.

A few of the other GMs started looking at me funny. I suppose the maniacal cackling wasn't helping.

One after another, I fed idiot after idiot to Jormy.

I couldn't stop.

[GM]Dave>> DRAGON!
Player>> Where?

Jormungand hits Player for 19,856 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Right there.

That one made me giggle.

Jormy 7, idiots 0.

I didn't even care what they did anymore.

I banned one guy for poor spelling.

[GM]Dave>> This will teach you to misspell words!

Jormungand hits Player for 14,577 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.
Player falls to level 73.

Jormy 23, idiots 0.

Okay, I'll admit it. I started to lose control.

It was around number 37 that I realized I might be going a little overboard.

[GM]Dave>> Your name has too many vowels!
[GM]Dave>> BANNED!
Susan>> You better be joking.

Jormungand hits Susan for 14,803 points of damage.
Susan was defeated by Jormungand.
Susan falls to level 74.

Jormy 37, idiots 0.

Divorces 1 (possibly).

It also occurred to me around number 58.

[GM]Dave>> RMT activity!
Attendant>> Sir, you have to pay for your gas.

Jormy 58, idiots 0.

Gas stations I'm no longer allowed to visit... 1.

I don't know how long I lasted. Time ceased to exist and I only measured its passage in terms of empty Red Bull cans.

Finally, I was overcome by exhaustion and fell asleep at my desk, my face pressed firmly into my keyboard.

When I woke hours later, I found a level 46 Taru running away from Jormy in his own moghouse.

And a chat log filled with the letter G.

Also, I may have misplaced some office equipment.

Like a stapler.

Or a server.

If you're on Leviathan, I've got some bad news.

Still, three straight days of Jormy should satisfy you people.

Unless I banned you during those three days.

Which is actually a pretty good possibility.

Then you might not appreciate it so much.

Man, you people are hard to please.


At 9:19 PM, Blogger CaesarsGhost said...

Bout time we got some Jormy action again... don't skimp on that anymore, you make me lose my faith in humanity.

OR, you can just PvP flag people in the middle of someplace... that's good to.

Or have your baby learn your Jormy macro.

At 9:25 PM, Blogger Grenade71822 said...

I was enjoying the other posts as well as the dragon feeding. Both are good. The rest of them can stfu.
"[GM]Dave>> RMT activity!
Attendant>> Sir, you have to pay for your gas.

Jormy 58, idiots 0.

Gas stations I'm no longer allowed to visit... 1."
Happened to me too....

At 11:43 PM, Blogger Priori Panda said...

Two things.
A)Oh man. People actually said too much Jormy?

B)I actually applauded when I was done reading this. This has made my day better.

At 12:33 AM, Blogger Erubadhriel said...

The only thing I don't like about the Jormy stories is that they make me wish I could feed people to a dragon. Unfortunately the forum I moderate doesn't allow for that. Damn I hate fangirls.

At 1:09 AM, Blogger Chris said...

Death to the stupids!

I personally like all the stories posted, to some degree or another. Jormy is fine. Non Jormy is fine.


At 2:11 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

I admit, I burst out laughing when you banned Susan. It makes me glad I don't know her, because she'd be pissed at me too.

Also, anyone that ever bitched about you using Jormy too much is an idiot. Ignore them, ban them, report their cards stolen, send a "troubleshooting" squad their way, do whatever. Just don't take their advice. Ever.

At 3:00 AM, Blogger Ayumi Life said...

Good to see Jormy back. The blog is not the same without him. Speaking of which I think I ruptured a organ or two laughing so hard.

At 11:14 AM, Blogger Rob said...

My wife and I actually had a General Foods International Coffee moment. She logged in and checked your blog and saw that HUZZAH there's a new one. She called to me eagerly. Together we sat and read it, laughing hysterically and cheering. And then we had a "special hug".

[GM]Dave makes EVERYTHING better. ;)

At 2:16 PM, Blogger Laserx said...

Dave, I think you just need to find a balance in the jormy posts... like a nice 1:1 or 1:2 of jormy posts to other posts. Anyone who says get rid of jormy should get eaten by jormy.

At 4:15 PM, Blogger The Illuminaughty said...

Let this possibly be a lesson to people.

Oh, and mixing coffee, red bull and J&D sounds positively dangerous.

Now, when's my next LAN...

At 8:27 PM, Blogger cobalt60 said...

Any other praise is unnecessary, and might get me eaten

At 9:42 PM, Blogger Retromash said...

Laserx, there is, and always has been, balance in all things concerning Jormy.
Jormy eats, balance is achieved.

At 8:26 AM, Blogger smallhalo said...

When I woke hours later, I found a level 46 Taru running away from Jormy in his own moghouse.

i really need to stop reading your post in the middle of class. My prof thought i was laughing about global warming.

At 11:54 AM, Blogger Miguel R. said...

This made my day. Thank you muchly, Dave!

At 5:54 PM, Blogger Bellemithra said...

That was GREAT!!!!!!! Thank you for the wonderful laughs!

At 7:54 PM, Blogger Lordshadow said...

smallhalo, "global warming" makes me laugh regularly, as well as the people who perpetuate it. Yes, the earth is warming, no, people are not the cause. Carbon is dissolved into ocean water, heat releases the carbon gas, hot planet makes high carbon atmosphere, not vice versa. And THAT is you lesson in "Shut up Al Gore, you haven't saved the world and you didn't invent the internet!" for the day. /salute

At 7:57 PM, Blogger Ariyon said...

GM Call Description: LS leader stole LS bank and changed servers.

Haha, seems to be one of the more popular topics here on Bismarck. If only a GM would actually do that. <_<

At 8:10 PM, Blogger Daniel said...

Cobalt, you forgot a period! Run from the massive purple banhammer!

At 7:53 AM, Blogger Philip said...

Thank Suwako I suppressed my laughter when I read this post.

Also, people always have to complain. You just can't seem to please everyone.
*glares at Caesarsghost's rude comments in previous posts about no Jormy*

I really should comment more. I'm just too lazy. Thanks for bringing life into our days.

At 11:24 PM, Blogger wai said...

Everything in moderation, man! I've always thought the people that said there was too much Jormy were full of it anyway, but "too much" doesn't mean "none at all plz kthx."

Besides, Jormy or no this blog is funny. Either way I say don't let us stop you from doing what you enjoy.

At 6:23 PM, Blogger Kaylie said...


I wish there was a [GM]Dave in Siren.



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