Friday, March 21, 2008

Spamalot

Like most people, I spend a lot of my time checking my e-mail. It helps me keep track of all my fan mail and any impending litigation.

It's an important resource in today's world.

And, in order to utilize that resource to it's fullest potential, I make sure that my spam filters catch anything that might not be important.

Advertising.

Porn.

Any e-mails from players on Lakshmi.

Those freaking stupid forwards about angels or babies or angel babies.

You know, useless crap.

Just for a laugh, though, I like to occasionally take a look through my spam folder.

Now, you're probably thinking this is going to be a rant about all the spam guys get about getting a larger penis.

No.

No, no.

That shit doesn't bother me.

Most of it is actually pretty funny.

"You get bigger tool, she make scream now."

That's comedy gold, right there.

No, the weird part is that I get a huge amount of spam trying to sell me watches.

Think about that.

My spam folder is comprised of ads for either a larger johnson or watches.

Isn't that a strange juxtaposition?

Apparently, internet spammers have done years of market research and discovered that people are extremely concerned with both the size of their reproductive organs and knowing the current time.

Guy1>> Hey, I know the current time.
Guy1>> And when I get an erection, I faint from blood loss.
Guy1>> I'm very happy.

Guy2>> Dammit. I'm not aware of the time.
Guy2>> And my junk is embarrassingly small.
Guy2>> I could be better.

And not only are we preoccupied with these two things, but we are SO preoccupied that we appreciate receiving information about these topics multiple times each day.

I figure, I could answer both kinds of ads.

That way, when my manhood becomes even larger, I'll have an extra place to wear all the watches their trying to sell me.

[GM]Dave>> Gee, it's 5 pm up here.
[GM]Dave>> I wonder what time it is in the southern hemisphere.

I'd have to stay away from one of those kinetic watches.

That would probably require a great deal of waggling.

There's some lovely mental imagery, huh?

18 Comments:

At 9:45 PM, Blogger Bufuman said...

Wait, you mean people DON'T wear watches on their manhood? My Wangwatch is a vital part of my day! Without it, I'd never know what time it is while I'm mastur... er, nailing some chick.

 
At 9:48 PM, Blogger Devin said...

You know, I was going to try to top the last comment, but lets be honest. I don't think anyone can

 
At 10:29 PM, Blogger David said...

I suppose that's true, unless you go all out and get the testes pocket watch as well. The Sac-watch for those who have a perverse obsession with time and a love for hanging chains off their nards.

 
At 11:20 PM, Blogger Grenade71822 said...

Then youve got the Flava Flav version of wangclock. For the people out there who like to swing a bit.

 
At 11:53 PM, Blogger quinn said...

fitting topic after you might have sent out a personal video....

 
At 9:03 AM, Blogger MinorAgentofChaos said...

No, no, Dave, the TRULY weird spam are the ones in Chinese (or whatever Asian language characters they are).

I mean, can't they at least figure out that no one besides them can read those characters?

 
At 12:24 PM, Blogger Donomni said...

I'm still waiting for my Grandfather C(l)ock.

I was going to put it on my horse. I wonder if it's allergic to Mahogany?

 
At 1:31 PM, Blogger Xatticus said...

"You get bigger tool, she make scream now."

Ahaha...I love Engrish.

But seriously, that's not where a watch goes?

Hmm...certainly explains why I got suspended from school for public indecency when my teacher asked what time it was.

 
At 5:50 PM, Blogger Salar said...

See here or here

 
At 5:52 PM, Blogger Alison the Amazing Thief said...

You've opened a can of worms now.

 
At 6:44 PM, Blogger Netel said...

... well i cant think of any time that me and my friends not talking about dicks and watches.... its like. the main part of our conversation.

 
At 11:09 PM, Blogger blankmachismo said...

For Final Fantasy 11 Cheats Final Fantasy 11 Gil Dupes and Final Fantasy XI Guides click here.

 
At 2:01 AM, Blogger Netel said...

You see what happens to blogs with many visitors??? SPAMALOT i tell you...

 
At 1:07 PM, Blogger Bufuman said...

blackmachismo is a shining example of why I wish we had the ability to throat-punch people over the internet.

 
At 4:50 PM, Blogger Laserx said...

Lovely thought Dave... just... lovely...

 
At 9:27 PM, Blogger james said...

Why do you have to be hating on Lakshmi for? What did we ever do to you?

 
At 6:50 AM, Blogger Russ said...

"Why do you have to be hating on Lakshmi for? What did we ever do to you?"

What, all 4 of you?

 
At 9:26 AM, Blogger Ata said...

Maybe I can shed a little light on why there are so many spams for watches.

Many people like the idea of wearing a rolex. But they don't like the idea of paying for a rolex. So, some people grab knock offs, or resell their old one as new online, but advertise a brand name $3000 watch for $1200.

Most high end watch companies will tell you to not buy anything online, as they cannot be guaranteed to be genuine. Watches sold online come without a warantee as well (which is part of the reason they are so much cheaper). All high end watches (Omega, Rolex, Breitling, etc) require periodic maintanance -- generally every 3-5 years -- in order to keep in good working order. If maintained right, an Omega, Rolex, etc will keep working for hundreds of years. I don't know if they will refuse to service one bought online, but I know that they track when and where every watch was sold.

Just like every other spamvertisement, its a rip off, but there are probably enough people willing to buy them to make it worthwhile.

 

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