Friday, March 07, 2008

Tech Support

Someone please shoot me.

All the elvaans just missed.

Bah dump pssshhhhh.

I consider myself somewhat tech savvy. I know how to use a computer and I know how NOT to use a computer.

It's really not that hard.

For some reason though, I have become the tech guru for my family.

If something uses electricity and does not work, they call me.

They call me and I die a little inside.

And it's not just computers. Apparently, my ability to use computers makes me some form of expert on TV repair.

This would be frustrating except for the fact that the problem is usually something so stupid that anyone with the slightest clue would be able to figure it out.

FamilyMember>> Firefox disappeared off my computer.
Dave>> Yeah...

Dave>> You accidentally deleted the shortcut.

FamilyMember>> The blender broke.

Dave>> Yeah...

Dave>> Maybe you should plug it in first.

FamilyMember>> I can't get the microwave open.
>> Yeah...
Dave>> That's a television.

I mean is it that hard to learn how to use electronics anymore?

If they made some of these things any more idiot proof, someone would come to your house and use it for you.

FamilyMember>> Can I listen to my ipod?
TechGuy>> Go sit the hell down.

TechGuy>> I'll bring you the headphones in a minute.

FamilyMember>> I like that Avril Lavigne.

TechGuy>> Go sit down.

So, we're at Susan's parents house.

Actually, I was at Susan's parents house. Susan was gone shopping.

The only people home were me and her mother.

No good could come from this.

I'm upstairs using their "computer".

I use quotation marks because that thing barely qualifies as a computer. It's a 1 Ghz celeron with 128 megs of ram and running Windows ME.

I actually wash my hands when I'm done.

Anyway, I'm using the "computer" when I hear those dreaded words:

SusansMom>> Dave?
SusansMom>> Can you help me with something?

Maybe it won't be anything bad.

Maybe she needs help lifting something.

Anything but electronics.

SusansMom>> I think the remote is broken.


So, I go downstairs and find Susan's mother kneeling in front of the television stand and shaking the remote furiously.

I submit diagram A.

The other guys who get suckered into doing this probably already see the problem.

In case you do not, I have prepared a second diagram.

Diagram B

She had been sat there for 10 minutes trying to change the channel.

She didn't bother to once try pointing the remote at the cable box.

The cable box she herself purchased.

I explained it to her.


Her response:

SusansMom>> Well that's just dumb.

And if I had killed her, I would have gone to jail.

Where's the justice?

This, of course, leads us to Diagram C

My head still hurts. I think I may have given myself brain damage.

At least they wouldn't ask me for help anymore.


At 4:45 PM, Blogger greg ^^ said...


At 4:50 PM, Blogger CaesarsGhost said...

I tell people there must be another user of that remote that's programmed their DNA out of "Viable Users" database.

By the time you're done explaining they're head is spinning and pissed at somebody else, you can make your escape.

At 6:38 PM, Blogger Dorian Mode said...

You provided an actual, factual, helpful response? Seems uncharacteristic for a [GM] of reknown. Um ... unless you fear the repercussions of aggravating her. That sounds pretty sensible, come to think of it.

At 6:51 PM, Blogger Shinkada said...

Yup. I, also, am one of the 'I can use computers, and are thus now the TV expert' people, mostly for mum. VCR not recording? I can fix it. TV reception bad? I can fix it. Stereo exploded? Hell, I could fix that, totally.

My absolute most hated one, though, is when they expect you to know every little detail about computers; specifically, websites. I can't think how many times I've said the phrase, "I did not design this website, I have never been to this website, and I have no fucking clue how to navigate this website."

At 7:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

See Here

At 8:14 PM, Blogger Xatticus said...

I know the feeling...the worst tech support I've gotten

Grandma - Hey I think my internet's out, so your grandfather tried plugging it in
Me - That's the firewire the hell did you fit that in there?
Grandpa - I had to jam it in there...but I got it to fit.

Diagram C could not represent my actions afterward any better.

At 8:30 PM, Blogger Donomni said...

I keep telling my family what button to use to go from watching TV to being able to use the DVD player.

They STILL don't get it.

My mom can't send emails normally, either.

No, she FORWARDS. Dear god. You don't even wanna know some of the junk I get.

At 8:52 PM, Blogger Jeff said...

"SusanMom>> Well that's just dumb"

...I don't think there is any proper way to respond to this...

At 9:43 PM, Blogger Alison the Amazing Thief said...

loving the diagrams. I'm torn. I' dont know if I love your off work or at work stories more but they both make me giggle.

At 7:05 AM, Blogger Chris said...

An error message. Something completely ambiguous like "Internet Explorer has experienced an error and will now close"...

now becomes the question "Why is it doing that?"

"...because...there was an error?"

"Well fix it. You're the one going to school for this."

"Yeah, I'm not a programmer. And in case you forgot, I changed majors to theatre just to get you to leave me alone about technology."

At 7:16 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

Heh, I have experience in this area as well. You'd be surprised at what some family members can't figure out.

Bufu>> This isn't that hard. You match up the colors.
FamilyMember>> So which one do I plug this yellow one into?
Bufu>> ...The yellow one.
FamilyMember>> Ok, but what about this red one?
FamilyMember>> I don't see a red plug-in.
Bufu>> That's for a second speaker in the TV.
Bufu>> Your old piece of crap only has one speaker.
Bufu>> There's no place to plug the red one in, so don't worry about it.
FamilyMember>> Do I plug it in here?
Bufu>> ...That's where your cable is hooked up to.
Bufu>> Besides, does it look like this red one has to be screwed on?
FamilyMember>> So where do I plug it in then?
Bufu>> ...Give me the cord.
FamilyMember>> Are you going to fix this?
Bufu>> No, I need something to hang myself with.

But I digress. Excellent post as always, Dave.

At 7:24 AM, Blogger Bellemithra said...

LMAO that is too funny!!!!!

At 7:24 AM, Blogger Bellemithra said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 7:55 AM, Blogger Miss Evil said...

Can you write more about your work and stuff :P I like the family things as well though. Has Susan ever gone to visit you at work? Hehe. Great blog though! Really like it. I admit I do miss Goblin Smithy a little ._. Hope you are well ^^

At 1:44 PM, Blogger Yuumi said...

My mom likes pressing a black colored space where nothing happens. She doesn't like to notice the sign that points to the power button.

At 3:43 PM, Blogger cobalt60 said...

If you are fearing brain damage, go play WoW

If the preceding suggestion sounded like a good idea, then yeap, you have brain damage.

Another great post, thank you Dave

At 8:34 AM, Blogger Brian said...

Are your Mum-in-law's eyes so bad she needs to get that close to the tv?

At 3:24 PM, Blogger dwyane said...

ROFL effing priceless!

At 3:37 AM, Blogger Temp1ar said...

Marwellous story!!!

i'm used to that kind of situations in the hotel , where i work as "some kind of computer guy or IT spec".

"God, please, kill'em all. Love. Greg House"

At 6:20 AM, Blogger Chris said...

As a guy who works tech support, I feel for you. And as for people coming into your house and doing it for you?;jsessionid=5VQKZNVFZTJ4BKC4D3LVAGY?skuId=8354498&type=product&id=1177112314045

I am really in the wrong business.


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