Friday, December 19, 2008

Wow... Just... Wow...

So that time of year has rolled around again. That joyous time when everyone on Earth gathers together in the spirit of togetherness and brotherhood.

It's Return Home to Vana'diel time again.

What? What did you think I was talking about?

See, every now and again, we like to run this special event where we encourage former players to come on back to our lovely little world.

You know... Just for a visit.

This would basically equate to a crack dealer asking where you've been and if you want to hang out.

And maybe smoke some crack.

It's designed to reach out to people that left the game for various reasons and show them that we've made several major improvements since they left.

Over my many years of playing this game, I've noticed a distinct pattern that is only apparent to people with keen observational skills or even rudimentary intelligence.

People leave the game. We can't help that.

Actually, we're trying to help that. We've got some guys in Research and Development working on that right now.

Basically, if you stop playing, you'll just die.


Really, really painfully.

It's a work in progress.

Most players that leave, though, end up coming back eventually. They start to miss the game or they're just curious about things they've heard.

They come running back into our open arms and everything is better again.

Everyone knows this trend. Anyone who has played for any length of time has seen this play out over and over again.

If you read any FFXI forum, you're bound to find the "I'm leaving and never coming back" threads.

You'll also find the unspoken understanding that they'll be back.

Actually, most times, they just say it.

And then ask if they can have all of your stuff.

Unfortunately, some people turn out to be stubborn and decide not to come back freely and of their own will.

What? We're not good enough for you?

No, no. We can't be having that.

Once you're in, you're in for life.

Deal with it.

The Return Home to Vana'diel campaign is our gentle way of saying "quit being a little bitch and log in already".

I'm working on a greeting card.

This campaign has always been a very normal, very regular event.

Until today.

Due to certain office political situations (read: my supervisor hates me), I was made part of the team in charge of the campaign applications.

His exact words were "How much trouble could you get into?"

People make me giggle sometimes.

I was going through a stack of applications and noticed something funny.

Under reasons for leaving, he had put "was eaten by a dragon."


Apparently, someone I had once banned thought it would be a great idea to come back to the game.

Some people never learn.

Still, I believe very strongly in education. Thus, it was my duty to make sure that this individual learned from their mistakes.

I took absolutely no pleasure in it at all.

Absolutely none.

Mostly none.

Relatively none.


Here was my basic plan.

Step 1) Create new GM account in fake name

Step 2) Contact applicant

Step 3) Hilarity ensues

I still have the napkin I wrote it on.

The set up was the hardest part. You'd be honestly surprised how hard it is to sound like you actually care for players.

Drinking helps.

Once we got through the standard application procedures, I reactivated his account and let him log in.

He was so happy.

I took him on a nice tour of Vana'diel, showing him some of our newest features. We checked out all of the areas that have been added since he left and I even showed him some of the out of the way locations.

Then, to top off the whole return, I presented him with a brand new Anniversary Ring.

All I had to do was wait...

Wait for it...

Player>> Hmm...
Player>> What should I do first?


[GM]NotDave>> Can I make a suggestion?
Player>> Sure.


Player>> Oh god...
Player>> OH GAWD NO!

Jormungand hits Player for 15,988 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]NotDave>> Welcome back.

I decided to let him keep his account for now. I figured he's at least earned a small reprieve.

I did, however, warn him that I will appear at a random time in the future to destroy everything he has created.

You might see him in Whitegate. He's the one who justs stands still and cries to himself.


At 9:18 PM, Blogger Dave said...

So did you bother to find out who he was or why you felt inspired to gift you blessings upon him the first time? Mostly curious if the poor fellow had been posted about previously.

At 9:52 PM, Blogger David said...

Too damn funny.

At 1:29 AM, Blogger Iopia said...

weakening writings.. take some time off to prepare more.

At 9:06 AM, Blogger Aen said...

I may have left FFXI, twice actually, but I know I will be back in the future again.

Why? Because I'm Aen and I'm an FFXI adict. It's who I am.

At 11:12 AM, Blogger Paul said...

Now now GM Dave, you and I both know the reason you let him keep his account isn't so much as a reprieve, as it is a way to torture him through fear. Fear is a powerful resource. If I knew there was going to be a massive dragon in my future, I'd be pretty worried, especially if I had already dealt with him once or thrice before.

At 5:10 PM, Blogger Ainoa said...

I've been reading the blog on and off for over a year and just realized... if someone gets killed by Jormy, won't they just respawn?

Kinda anti-climactic.

At 6:56 PM, Blogger Paul said...

Nope! Once you get killed by Jormy, you die in real life. It's a lot like the matrix, sans the bad acting and keanu reeves.

At 12:39 AM, Blogger Ainoa said...

Nope! Once you get killed by Jormy, you die in real life. It's a lot like the matrix, sans the bad acting and keanu reeves.

Whoa, dude.

At 10:27 AM, Blogger Subaru said...

I've never gotten past level 7 on FFXI. Sorry, but WoW has spoiled me. Only good thing about FFXI are mithra and the soundtrack (Windurst music ftw, better than anything WoW has). For what it's worth though, it was the blog that sort of got me interested to try to begin with.

I tried twice. Perhaps I could try a third time, but in WoW at least you don't have to sell your soul to get to the cap.

At 10:48 PM, Blogger Blakealfredo said...

I quit Final Fantasy XI 3 times before I figured out how to quit for good. The secret is to cut your game disc in half with scissors.

At 11:51 AM, Blogger The Anaconda said...

i dont really get much time to play, plus run into way to many stupid people and so usually just do things solo, but i dont ever actually quit. i have on multiple occasions just cancelled my account for either money or time reasons, but i've always wandered back to do something else

At 7:43 AM, Blogger Akamar said...

Having one's computer die, and not wanting to endure 24+ hours of update downloads helps with quiting as well...

That's what finally, really did it. I admit, I've thought on returning.. but I barely play WoW as it is. Like I need another, even more consuming timesink...

At 7:43 AM, Blogger Akamar said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 1:54 PM, Blogger Tiger's Lair said...

Brilliant. Love it.


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