Christmas Got NerfedWhat the hell happened to kid's toys?
I'm not even kidding. What the hell?
Somehow, Susan managed to get me to go shopping with her to buy something for our offspring.
I'm not really sure how she did that.
Drinking may have been involved.
Side note: Toys R Us is way funnier when you're drunk.
Anyway, we're walking through the aisles looking at toys and I noticed something.
Everything has been nerfed.
No, I don't mean nerfed as in what we did to Black Mages.
I mean literally composed of nerf.
When did this happen? Why didn't I get a memo?
How are we supposed too figure out who the stupid children are?
Toys are supposed to be dangerous. Toys are supposed to leave disfiguring scars.
That's how we label the retarded kids.
All you have to do is look around for the guy with lawn dart-related wounds.
Then, you just avoid that guy.
That's biology, people.
We don't let people get eaten by jaguars anymore. Toys were the last thing we had.
When I was a kid, everything was dangerous.
Tonka trucks... Do you even remember Tonka trucks?
Apparently, Tonka roughly translates to "you're gonna need a freakin' tetanus shot after this".
Those friggin' trucks were jagged, rusty metal covered in yellow, lead-based paint.
And they were awesome.
If some kid in your class was missing a finger, you could be damned sure it was because of a Tonka truck.
And GI Joe. GI Joe taught a generation of children that the fastest way to solve any problem was an orchestrated military response.
Also, that the army makes a regular habit of employing Ninjas.
That's a life lesson right there.
And everything came with little parts that just begged to be swallowed.
Some GI Joe figures came with nothing but a crate of random, tiny plastic firearms.
Two days later, you'd have three left.
Along with an intestinal blockage.
An awesome one.
Even the doctor would tell you how cool it was that your intestine was now fortified with a battery of M-16s.
Do you see shit like that today?
Of course not.
No, today every toy is made of nerf foam.
Or nerf polystyrene.
Or nerf sterile kittens.
Where's the fun in that?
Oh look! It's everyone's favorite toy!
A nerf ball!
This isn't the world I want to raise my daughter in.
I want a world of dangerous, insane toys.
I want a world of thinking and choices rather than limitations.
I want a world of fun for her.
If some kid has to lose an eye to a suction cup arrow for that to happen, then so be it.
The world would still be better for it.
Well... Not for that kid...