Sunday, December 14, 2008

Christmas Got Nerfed

What the hell happened to kid's toys?

I'm not even kidding. What the hell?

Somehow, Susan managed to get me to go shopping with her to buy something for our offspring.

I'm not really sure how she did that.

Drinking may have been involved.

Side note: Toys R Us is way funnier when you're drunk.

Anyway, we're walking through the aisles looking at toys and I noticed something.

Everything has been nerfed.

No, I don't mean nerfed as in what we did to Black Mages.

I mean literally composed of nerf.

When did this happen? Why didn't I get a memo?

How are we supposed too figure out who the stupid children are?

Toys are supposed to be dangerous. Toys are supposed to leave disfiguring scars.

That's how we label the retarded kids.

All you have to do is look around for the guy with lawn dart-related wounds.

Then, you just avoid that guy.

That's biology, people.

We don't let people get eaten by jaguars anymore. Toys were the last thing we had.

When I was a kid, everything was dangerous.


Tonka trucks... Do you even remember Tonka trucks?

Apparently, Tonka roughly translates to "you're gonna need a freakin' tetanus shot after this".

Those friggin' trucks were jagged, rusty metal covered in yellow, lead-based paint.

And they were awesome.

If some kid in your class was missing a finger, you could be damned sure it was because of a Tonka truck.

And GI Joe. GI Joe taught a generation of children that the fastest way to solve any problem was an orchestrated military response.

Also, that the army makes a regular habit of employing Ninjas.

That's a life lesson right there.

And everything came with little parts that just begged to be swallowed.

Some GI Joe figures came with nothing but a crate of random, tiny plastic firearms.

Two days later, you'd have three left.

Along with an intestinal blockage.

An awesome one.

Even the doctor would tell you how cool it was that your intestine was now fortified with a battery of M-16s.

Do you see shit like that today?

Of course not.

No, today every toy is made of nerf foam.

Or nerf polystyrene.

Or nerf sterile kittens.

Where's the fun in that?

Oh look! It's everyone's favorite toy!

A ball!

A nerf ball!

This isn't the world I want to raise my daughter in.

I want a world of dangerous, insane toys.

I want a world of thinking and choices rather than limitations.

I want a world of fun for her.

If some kid has to lose an eye to a suction cup arrow for that to happen, then so be it.

The world would still be better for it.

Well... Not for that kid...


At 7:51 PM, Blogger BlueBlasphemy said...


Amen, survival of the fittest should start young.

Would sticking razorblades in the nerf toys randomly be going too far?

At 8:52 PM, Blogger Magical Meerkat said...

Wholeheartedly agreed. My son is only coming up on three months at the moment, so Christmas is going to be rather toyless this year (and my wallet is quite thankful), but as someone who grew up losing dismembered Ninja Turtles in the sandbox and those tiny, tiny little wheels off her Hot Wheels cars, and destroying my father's basement carpet with matches and the grit from her rock tumbler, I want my child to experience the same joys (and sorrows) I did.
Valuable life lessons are learned from such toys. Responsibility - don't pull Barbie's arms out or cut her hair... it doesn't grow back and that ugly doll is SO not worth playing with now. Honesty - yes, Mom, I need a new Raph, I was stupid and lost him in the park. Confidence - I can kick your butt easily, touch my skateboard and you're going to be wheeling yourself to a hospital on it.
Among others...!
Any child who has to learn from something so, well, childish as a Nerf ball (or kitten) is just asking to be the adult that gets his face ripped off by the lion at the zoo because Nerf lions don't bite, right?

At 11:04 PM, Blogger Paul said...

But, GM Dave! You seem to forget about how we developed such sophisticated torture techniques as : Microwaving Mr. G.I. Joe-the-infidel, quartering, disembowelment, and random disfigurement...And also, our first glimpses of ' When Animals Attack '. Seeing the shattered remains of a G.I. Joe soldier, with no legs, half a face and a single arm, and knowing that the cat is going to pay.. Simply amazing, and we're losing that!

At 12:11 AM, Blogger J. Scarper said...

We're getting too civilised for our own darned good. We're a few steps short of tying our kids up and going, "NO FUN! FUN'S DANGEROUS!".

At 12:23 AM, Blogger Robert said...


At 4:21 AM, Blogger Wavrik said...

And GI Joe. GI Joe taught a generation of children that the fastest way to solve any problem was an orchestrated military response.

Also, that the army makes a regular habit of employing Ninjas

And God said, "Lol."

At 6:37 AM, Blogger tweell said...

Nerf anything is forbidden in my house. We have a cat that loves the stuff, and managed to eat a large chunk, gave him a blockage. I was away on business, and by the time I got home my wife had spent over $1600 to keep him alive. No more nerf!

At 7:24 AM, Blogger jason said...

So very true..... TONKA TRUCKS RULED...
WAit kids are supposed to saty inside and not exspose them selfs to the elements.... wtf .. no wonder there sick all the time.. if i get another spawn there going to live outside (excpet when its cold ... well they can stay outside for a bit till they start turning blue), i'm kidding for the most part..

At 8:35 AM, Blogger Forrest said...

$1600 for a cat????

If my wife did that, I would immediately kill it right on the spot in front of everyone.

Geez....$1600 on a cat......

At 9:16 AM, Blogger quinn said...

very true, toys need to be more dangerous. but who doesnt like nerf?i mean that stuff can be fun, just add a layer of lead based paint and put some explosives in the center of a couple and then we are back to awesome dangerous toys.

At 9:25 AM, Blogger Leanne said...

When I first became a parent, I was cautiously optimistic because they had just started reviving toy trends from when I was a kid. I grew up with carebears and my little ponies and TMNTs. I had a Big Wheel when I was four. A hard plastic tricycle of doom that I could ride down the street and smash into trees, curbs, and car bumpers. It's what She-Ra would have driven if she had a tricycle. My four year old doesn't want a big wheel. Or even a bike. He wants a stationary dinosaur that stands in the living room and makes chewing and roaring noises.
I miss laser tag. Someone would alway fall out of a tree or off a roof while playing that.

At 9:28 AM, Blogger Leanne said...

"Microwaving Mr. G.I. Joe-the-infidel, quartering, disembowelment, and random disfigurement"

lol! I had a Gem doll that I put into an easy bake oven. By the time my mom figured it out, Gem was a melted blob of scorched plastic with an earring still blinking in the mess.

At 10:07 AM, Blogger tweell said...

Believe me, Winky would have gone to the Great Litterbox in the Sky if I was home when it happened. I managed to restrain myself afterwards because I am a mature, balanced individual. My wife's shooting skill and ability to hold grudges may have been a factor as well.

The kids were 'swordfighting' with sticks, I was asked/tasked to make it more safe (the ignored hint was for nerf weaponry). I got fencing gear instead. Now I get to swordfight with them! The house remains nerfless, and complaints are answered with "It's less than that nerf bat cost."

At 12:41 PM, Blogger Kyle said...


At 1:05 PM, Blogger Imaginary of Hades said...

I still have some of my tonka trucks. Say what you will about the rust, lacerations, and lead paint, they are quite durable.
My nieces and nephew can still play with them, and they are at least 15 years old.
The plastic toys kids use these days can get torn up fast. That just doesnt happen with metal.

At 2:08 PM, Blogger Rob said...

Oh man, this is great! Tonka trucks were so cool when I was a kid. They were like 15 pounds of steel and hard plastic wheels that laid waste any poor hapless ankle in it's path. Laser Tag and Quasar was also cool. Back when it was no big deal for us to wander off alone in the woods at night and point and shoot fake guns at each other and watch as that one poor fat kid took a face plant on a tree root as we went all Lord of the Flies on him. Yeah yeah, I know. It was cruel, but what are kids, if not the harbingers of cruelty? Nowadays, you wander off into the woods at night with a gun, you're either fleeing a crime scene or going to one.

GI Joe! Wow... I always wondered about the ninjas. One: they were Ninjas in the US Army. Two: They had Kung-Fu grip. So were they Chinpanericans? There was also that one "Elder" GI Joe. you know the one. He was your oldest of the collection, became the default leader of the pack who the others would go to for missions and such, mainly because he himself couldn't participate because you had stretched out his waist elastic to the point where if he stood up the back of his head would be brushing against his knees. Or you glued his waist together, so all he could do was shoot stuff from afar because he would have to run with that awkward, 'I have to pewp sooooo bad' look.

I had this lamp in my room that had traces of Skeletor on the bulb. Luckily, Christmas came around and his twin rother was able to join in the assault against Castle Greyskull. All of this toy talk makes me sad now. I really wish I saved all of them for my own kids. But if anything, I can still teach them the valuable lesson of removing the suction cup from the dart so all that remains is the eye socket perfect, plastic spine. If all else fails, filling up a super soaker with Windex makes up for all the foam rubber. Nothing says "I win!" like an eyeful of ammonia.

At 6:50 PM, Blogger Mil'bereth said...

I feel I need to come to the defense of Nerf. My 20 year old brother in law, with a little ingenuity and PVC modded a Nerf gun into something that can launch freaking nails 250 feet if you pump it 25 times!

If you want something somewhat safer...get your kids Airsoft guns!

At 8:22 PM, Blogger kain said...

Nerf? shoot, my nerf gun rips flesh from the body, leaving disfiguring scars. its wonderful! not to mention it has a scope...and punches things in the face at roughly 300 feet. would that be over kill for a "nerf" gun?

At 6:49 PM, Blogger Carlos said...

"When I was a kid, everything was dangerous."

Haha, seems like something that could lead to a "I remember when Ian and me..."

I sure remember Tonka trucks, only that mine was blue.. and always had spiders among other weird insects, so I did my best to not touch it at all


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