Monday, December 22, 2008

STOP COMPLAINING!

We're going to play a new game, okay?

No. Not WoW.

Seriously. Put the discs away.

Our new game will be called "Everyone Stops Complaining Right Now."

The newest expansion can be called "Wrath of the Dave King".

Yes, I realize I'm not actually a king.

I would, however, be willing to fly to Europe and murder an actual king and then usurp his throne, if it will mean that people will stop being whiny little bitches.

[GM]Dave: Willing to commit regicide to stem the tide of retardedness.

How do you think that would look on a business card?

I need to go call a printer.

In one of the more recent game updates, we put in a new feature called treasure caskets.

Basically, when you kill a monster, there is a random chance that a large chest filled with free items will appear for the taking.

This is quite literally free stuff.

Great, right?

And yet people complained.

People complained about getting free stuff.

Could one of you please explain this to me?

Yeah, maybe if you had to undergo some epic quest and battle against hardship only to receive a terrible reward.

Totally complain.

But this is free stuff that just appears.

In front of you.

Right in front of you.

It's right there.

RIGHT THERE.

You were killing the monster anyway. That's the entire reason you were in the area in the first place.

You were killing monsters to gain exp. Then a chest full of free stuff appeared right in front of you.

Man, I'd be pissed, too.

How dare they expect you to actually open a chest and figure out who gets the item on your own?

That would require a minimal amount of effort.

Oh, shit. This one has a lock that requires the most basic understanding of numbers.

I am outraged.

You know what? If it's that big a deal, DON'T OPEN THE DAMNED THING.

Just pretend it's not there.

Remember last month? Remember when you used to kill things and chests full of free stuff did not appear?

Yeah, just pretend it's like that.

If someone in your group mentions the chest, you should burn them because they are a witch from the future.

Damned time-traveling witches.

I can't even comprehend the type of thought process that would be required to somehow turn this idea into a bad thing.

IT'S FREE STUFF.

FREE STUFF IN A BOX.

All you have to do is open the box and then someone takes the item.

How frigging hard is that?

Really.

How much easier would we have to make it, honestly?

Next time you log in, you find out you've attained level 75 and your inventory is now full of free stuff?

This isn't WoW.

I'm serious, people. The next person to file a GM report about this is getting fed to a dragon.

The next person.

My finger's already on the button.

Do you know what I'd like for Christmas? I'd like just one day where everyone woke up and stopped acting retarded.

Just one day.

Can we get on that?

I've been good.

... Relatively.

13 Comments:

At 9:22 PM, Blogger Blake said...

Until the free stuff is delivered on the wings of a golden moogle and hand-fed to them, they will not stop complaining. That's right, golden.

 
At 9:29 PM, Blogger Imaginary of Hades said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 9:36 PM, Blogger Imaginary of Hades said...

Edit:
I can understand whining, especially when it’s made to be funny.
When I or someone in my linkshell whines it's usually turned around so that even they can laugh at it. And then, this is the weird part, they drop the topic. Woohoo we had a laugh. Issue resolved.

But why call a GM? I know that seems rhetorical at this point, especially given the amount of morons dealt with daily, but what is the GM going to do anyway?

[GM]Guy: What? You say you don't like some tiny inconsequential thing about this game?
Moron: Yes! You have to fix it! It's your job!
[GM]Guy: Yes. You are right random player who has been playing all of 6 weeks. As was in my job description I will now reprogram the game to your liking.
Moron: Yay!

If FFXI were a restaurant then a moron calling the GM would be like the customer who couldn't decide, in the 25 minutes it took to get to the front of the line, what he wanted. And then whined to you about why your menu doesn’t have exactly what they want right now.

[Cashier]: Yes sir, what can I get for you today?
Moro..."Customer": I want a taco. Why don't you have tacos?
[Cashier]: Because this is a coffee and dessert establishment.
"Customer": Well why the f*** don't you have tacos? I want a taco right NOW!
[Cashier]: Then why did you come here?
[Cashier's Inner Thoughts]: If only this customer had a twist off top....

Sometimes I think it would be best if GMs were more like 911 operators. The ones in my mind anyway. Make a stupid call and don't apologize for wasting people’s time? There will be a squad car at your residence in the next 10 minutes to beat some sense into you. Or just make sure you’re unconscious for a while so you don't make anymore stupid calls.

 
At 5:49 AM, Blogger Vagu'Stae said...

Retard>> "IM GONNA GM THIS!!1 I GOT A FLOWER IN MY LOCKED CASKET!!!!1"

 
At 5:59 AM, Blogger Neito said...

My only complaint about Treasure Caskets is that they don't have pictures of naked Mithras in them.

 
At 6:01 AM, Blogger Neito said...

@imaginary of hades
Ever seen Not Always Right? Alot of it is stuff like your second scenario.

 
At 6:17 AM, Blogger Cidolfas said...

I think you mean "regicide", not "patriarchy". 8-)

 
At 9:22 AM, Blogger Jakk Frost said...

Unless of course he meant "Willing to be a king", that might be considered committing patriarchy.

I think the only time a GM call should be made about those chests is if you open one and it crashes your game. But then, that would be logical, can't have that.

 
At 7:39 PM, Blogger Linoth said...

Eh, you have to think to open the chest. I suppose it could be a little frustrating if you didn't comprehend how the system works. I haven't had much trouble popping them myself.

The Ether +1 that I can't sell to save my life is annoying.

However, some of this gear is just epically thought out. The leg equips from the Dunes. That give 1 STR, unless it's Fire weather, then you get _5 STR_. IN THE DUNES. That's epic. And then you can turn around and put them back on for the Jungle.

Then there's the Blind Ring in Ronfaure. wtf?

And some of it's kind of meh gear. Mokusa? Compared to the GK at 27, it's going to do less damage on your weapon skills. And the Additional Effect triggers 5-10% of the time at best. And the TP it gives leaves you with a lot of 99% swings. But I got to sell that 20k GK.

I have yet to find a reason to complain.

 
At 12:48 AM, Blogger Tyler said...

Man, I love these treasure caskets. In my opinion they're some of the coolest things they've added to the game recently, Level Sync aside. I haven't tried MMM yet so we'll see about that.

But I love going around and killing monsters for random loot. My favourite thing is using logic to figure out the brown caskets. Out of like 5 of those that I've tried, I've only failed once. I even got those badass trousers with STR+6 under fire weather.

 
At 4:29 AM, Blogger lucem said...

I like people flaming those who complain about events in MMOs.
"It's free stuff!"
Yes sure, it's free stuff. Now imagine you're in the street. Someone comes by and give you a rock. Will you jump around and yell "OMG this guy is so generous!!!"? It's a stupid rock, it's worth nothing.
And more seriously when someone in the street give you a flyer for a regroupment of twitchy retards in a dark room with loud noise, do you embrace the guy, lick his shoes and call your baby after his name?

I don't know about FFXI events, but in some games the "gifts" are pretty retarded.

 
At 5:38 AM, Blogger Neito said...

@lucem Most common is stuff like a temporary potion or elixer. Sometimes, you can get a "real" item, like Echo Drops.

 
At 1:53 PM, Blogger Tiger's Lair said...

Why complain to a GM. No one will ever be satisfied with free stuff.

Example: My company owners gave all employees Flips (those little portable video recorder). They purchased them under their own personal pockets. Next day everyone was complaining about it.
Hell it's free stuff!!! They gave you a gift receipt, shut up and exchange it for what you want.

I don't think anyone will be satisfied with free stuff. Just ignore them. Or do something devilish like you did the banned person who returned.

 

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