My ConfessionsWe're friends, right?
I mean, I know I write this stuff for everybody, but out of all my readers, you're my favorite.
No, no. It's true.
I thought I'd take a few minutes of your time to share some of my darkest secrets with you.
No, it has nothing to do with that hooker in Sacremento.
I won't be telling anyone about that.
Actually, I thought it would be interesting to share some of my gaming secrets. Things so personal (and possibly emabarassing) that I've never shared them with anyone before.
All of the following facts are entirely true and I only share them here for your amusement.
Please don't laugh.
Okay... Please don't laugh too hard.
1) I've never actually finished Super Mario Bros. 3
I'll start with this one because it's the most embarassing.
Even though I've played this game hundreds of times on a variety of systems, I've never actually finished it. I can get to world 8 with absolutely minimal effort, but lose interest with all the dark airship levels and never finish.
I fully intend on finishing it someday.
2) The Wizard
In a related secret, I actually rented the movie The Wizard when Super Mario Bros. 3 came out.
In order to make it easier to finish (ironically), I rented the movie and watched the end scene. When they play SMB3 in the big competition, they actually show you how to get a warp whistle.
After that, I simply sketched the screen image and played every level until I found that same screen. Luckily, it's in the first castle in level 1.
3) I had a Nintendo phone
When I was younger, I had a Mario phone in my bedroom. It was a single piece phone that looked like a big blue pipe with Mario sticking out at the top.
Before you say how awesome that would be to have as a collector's item, I used this as an actual phone.
In my bedroom.
Throughout high school.
Yeah, it's hard to impress your girlfriend when you're calling people on a Mario phone.
4) I never owned a system between the original NES and my PSOne
This is really sad. Between my original NES system I got on the NA launch and the PSOne I got from Susan when I was in university, I never actually owned another system.
Not a SNES.
Not an N64.
Not even a Genesis.
Sure, I played them all, but it was always at someone else's house.
After a particularly difficult time obtaining MegaMan 3 for Christmas, my mother vowed never to buy me another system.
She has been true to her word to this day.
That evil, evil woman.
5) I like the Coral Pink DS
Yeah, I know it's the girl color, but damn if that thing doesn't look sweet.
Don't get me wrong. I love my Onyx black DS.
But that pink one looks awesome.
No, I'm not gay.
6) I suck at DDR
I'm not ungraceful. I have spent years training in a variety of martial arts.
But put me on a DDR mat and I practically have a seizure.
I don't understand the problem. I think I have rhythm, but that damned game just hates me.
7) I also suck at Guitar Hero/ Rock Band
Suck may be a strong word. I can play extremely well on the medium setting.
See, the next difficulty setting should be a small, logical step up, right?
Oh hell no.
Instead, the gap between medium and hard is roughly equivalent to the Grand Canyon.
I honestly don't think anyone can play on expert level. It's all just a conspiracy to make me feel even more retarded.
8) I cheered at the end of Final Fantasy VIII
I won't spoil the ending for you in case you haven't played it (for some insane reason), but I cheered at the end.
When the credits finished rolling, I actually stood up and cheered.
There may or may not have been a fist pump.
And... There we go.
I think we've shared enough for one evening.
Assuming you can actually stop laughing, feel free to leave your own gaming confessions in the comment section.
Seriously, though... Let's keep this between just you and me, okay?