Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Theme Week - Jormy Vol. 3

And the Jormy theme week continues...

People ask me if I ever get sick of Jormy. They wonder if I've ever thought of using another mob.

Why the hell would I do that?

Sure, occasionally, the situation calls for me to use another monster from the game. You know, a bunny or a worm or something.

Basically, only when it makes the killing that much funnier.

And for those of you who don't play FFXI, yes, bunnies and worms are part of the monster legion that infests Vana'diel. It's part of our "make you feel retarded because you got your ass handed to you by a rabbit" plan.

But for those few times I've used another mob for comic effect, I'd never actually replace Jormy.

I love seeing him eat people.

That shit is hilarious.

How could I ever get tired of that?

Plus, whenever I feed someone to Jormy, I try to say something witty so that each time is unique.

I'm like Grissom.


...But with a dragon.

Note to self: call CBS, re: new show idea.

Now, I wish I could say I had never, ever gotten tired of seeing Jormy eat someone.

Unfortunately, as much as I do enjoy it, there was one day that I just couldn't do it anymore.

You can imagine how bad a day that must have been. I mean, I spend 8 hours a day sending barely-functional idiots on a scenic tour of Jormy's digestive system.

That's a lot of idiots.

And yet, that one day, I just started to run out of steam.

Do you know how hard it is for me to run out of steam? I drink so much Red Bull, my urine is neon green.

It started like any other day. I woke up, rolled over and kissed my wife, stumbled out of bed and kissed my still sleeping daughter.

Then I went out and had a nice breakfast of Red Bull and bacon (TAKE THAT, STUPID HEART!), and left for work.

The first few hours of work went as usual.

Idiot, witty comment, dragon.

Idiot, witty comment, dragon.

Idiot, witty comment, dragon.

Drink some Jack Daniel's.

Idiot, witty comment, dragon.

What can I say? It's a living.

Then, I got a call from a player stuck behind a table.

I wish I could say that didn't happen often.

Apparently, the citizens of Vana'diel have not mastered the art of walking around shit.

I warped to his position and was just about to send him to his homepoint when I checked his linkshell.

Wehategms.

I'm not even kidding.

[GM]Dave>> Before I can help you...
[GM]Dave>> Can I ask about your linkshell name?
Player>> Oh... That...
Player>> That was just a joke.
[GM]Dave>> Oh. A joke.
[GM]Dave>> I get jokes.
[GM]Dave>> Want to hear one?
Player>> Uhhh... Sure?
[GM]Dave>> Knock, knock.
Player>> ... Who's there?

*warp*

Area: Mordion Gaol.

Player>> Ooooooh crap.
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> Did you hear that one already?
Player>> Let me explain.
[GM]Dave>> If you thought that one was bad...
[GM]Dave>> The next one is gonna kill you.
Player>> It wasn't my idea.
Player>> Someone else named the linkshell.
[GM]Dave>> Really...
[GM]Dave>> Huh.
Player>> Am... Am I not in trouble any more?
[GM]Dave>> Hey.
[GM]Dave>> You can make good jokes.
Player>> Please.
Player>> It wasn't my idea.
Player>> It had to be one of the other guys.
[GM]Dave>> Let's find out, shall we?

A few key presses later and I have warped the entire linkshell to Mordion Gaol.

[GM]Dave>> Holy crap.
[GM]Dave>> There's like 95 people here.
Player>> 96 if you count me.

Jormungand hits Player for 11,099 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Holy crap.
[GM]Dave>> There's like 95 people here.

Do you know how hard it is to feed 95 people to a dragon one at a time?

Wait... Of course you don't.

It's hard.

Plus, I started to run out of witty comments.

Jormungand hits Player14 for 10,851 points of damage.
Player1 was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> You're looking a little down.

Jormungand hits Player32 for 12,186 points of damage.
Player2 was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> What's eating you?

Jormungand hits Player68 for 12,274 points of damage.
Player3 was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> I hope the pain doesn't drag... on.
[GM]Dave>> Get it?
[GM]Dave>> Drag on?
[GM]Dave>> No?

He didn't get it.

By the end, I was just too damned tired. I was running on fumes.

Jormungand hits Player94 for 11,036 points of damage.
Player94 was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Uhh...
[GM]Dave>> You...
[GM]Dave>> You're stupid.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Dammit.

Finally, I was at number 95. It was just the two of us standing amongst the throng of human remains.

Just one... More... Button...

And I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it.

It just wasn't funny anymore.

[GM]Dave>> You know what?
[GM]Dave>> Just get the hell out.
Player95>> What?
[GM]Dave>> I broke your pearl.
[GM]Dave>> Don't do it again.
Player95>> You're letting me go?
Player95>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> Yeah, sure.
[GM]Dave>> Whatever.
Player95>> OH MY GOD!
Player95>> Thankyouthankyouthankyou!
[GM]Dave>> Don't mention it.
Player95>> Umm...
Player95>> How do I get out of here?

Jormungand hits Player95 for 15,276 points of damage.
Player95 was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> ZING!

Now, that... That was pretty funny.

14 Comments:

At 7:48 PM, Blogger Kyle said...

Holy shit! [GM]Dave has a heart! Although with bull/bacon it won't be there long


Oh yeah, FIRST!!!111oneoneone

 
At 8:16 PM, Blogger Noxjas said...

Good one, [GM]Dave.

 
At 8:18 PM, Blogger Sword said...

Ahhh that little vestage of hope you destroyed makes it soo bitter-sweet.

 
At 8:51 PM, Blogger Chris said...

Every great play has a dark/bright scene...just before the climax...the moment when everything looks like it's going to be ok.

That's when the ground falls out from under your feet. Or when you get a firsthand view of a dragon's intestinal tract.

 
At 9:06 PM, Blogger Drew said...

funniest post in forever xD

 
At 1:43 AM, Blogger Nat said...

your blog has become vapid.
and your lies have become unbelievable.

 
At 4:38 AM, Blogger Pim said...

^ Your life must be miserable.

Excellent story [GM]Dave.

 
At 4:45 AM, Blogger GTRacer said...

@ nat - If you think hiding behind your Linksys box guarded by some router-fu* is gonna help avoid seeing Jormy up close...

Unbelieveable? Unbelievably FUNNY! I literally loled at this. Thankfully I get in before anyone else ^^

Or is your line a cut-n-paste thingy? Did I just feed a troll! I'm sorry!

*(3 ginger cookies to the first person to call me on it correctly)

 
At 6:44 AM, Blogger Lordshadow said...

Don't you have a sticky note marked "Spike Flail"?

 
At 7:29 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

[GM]Dave>> I hope the pain doesn't drag... on.
[GM]Dave>> Get it?
[GM]Dave>> Drag on?
[GM]Dave>> No?


Huh. Could've sworn I've seen that pun before. Oh well.

Anyways, hilarious post, Dave. That last bit killed me. Not literally though.
*makes mental note to watch for Jormy next time he logs in, since Dave probably WILL make it literal*

 
At 10:33 AM, Blogger Vagu'Stae said...

I lol'd so hard and the ending... Best ending ever.

@nat: Troll.

 
At 3:06 PM, Blogger ownedbycats said...

While I'm not a computer gamer, I've got to admit that this blog has cracked me up several times. Long Live Jormy! (and GMDave)

 
At 5:09 PM, Blogger semele said...

Bunnies can be quite evil!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcxKIJTb3Hg

 
At 1:38 AM, Blogger GeekMommy said...

I don't play this particular MMORPG - but every now and then, when humanity's collective stupidity overwhelms me, I like to come here and read this blog. It's so refreshing!
Thanks.

 

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