Bannable Offenses

Alternate Title: [GM]Jormy

In tonight's episode, [GM]Jormy listens to your problem, says he'll investigate, and then doesn't do anything.

Bah dump psshhhh!

Kidding. Just kidding.

I'll be the first to admit I go crazy sometimes.

I know. You're shocked.

But given the high level of psychological stress GMs face on a daily basis, I'm actually a little surprised how sane I am.

I'd call myself eccentric, but a police officer informed me that that still isn't a defense for smacking one of those squeegee kids.

So whatever.

Occasionally though, even my firm grip on sanity is tested by the citizens of Vana'diel.

I'll give you an example.

I'm giving you an example because that's how shit runs around here. I explain how people are stupid or annoying and then tell you a funny story explaining why I'm right and why people suck.

Get with the program.

Every few weeks, we get the exact same problem. Someone with too much time on their hands makes an extra account and starts spamming players with a website link.

The usual message says something like "Blah blah, I'm quitting. Blah blah, here's a bot program I used. Blah blah, go to www.itakeallurshit.com"

Two things occur whenever this happens:

1) one wave of morons feverishly open their web browser and visit the site only to lose their entire account.

2) another wave of morons feverishly open their menu and start placing GM calls.

Now, don't get me wrong. Reporting problems like this is extremely helpful.

One of you guys should totally make the call.

ONE.

Believe it or not, receiving thousands of GM calls about the exact same thing is not as productive as you might think.

I know. You're supposed to call GMs when something bad happens.

That's good.

But if there are already two thousand calls ahead of you, maybe, just maybe, someone has already mentioned it.

Could you imagine if everyone in the entire world who saw a report of a crime on the internet decided to call the police department in one town?

Do you think that might get in the way of them actually solving the problem?

I have to spend so much time reading through those calls. You know, just in case someone has an actual problem lost in that pile of fail.

Frankly, I'm starting to wonder when people are going to get smart enough to know this is a scam.

Or smart enough to know that everyone know's this is a scam.

Besides, if they go to the site, they deserve what they get.

It's not like they were giving away free puppies or guns or something.

People.

A few days ago, it happened again.

I was already not in the greatest mood. I'd run of of Jack Daniel's and my boss had forced us to spend the morning doing some "team building exercises".

[GM]Dave was not happy.

At all.

Then the deluge of calls hit.

I haven't heard that many high pitched dings since Grandma was in the hospital and I yelled "Surprise!"

Every GM in the room knew what was happening.

Fingers flew over keyboards sending our standard protocol message.

Thank you for reporting this activity. We are investigating the incident and action will be taken.

I'm not so mundane.

I sifted through the calls until I found the message I knew would be there.

There's always one.

GM Call Description: Player /telling about website. Program will not run.

Yes, we get those. We get calls from people looking for tech support on the bot program/trojan key logger they just downloaded.

I am no longer surprised by the stupidity of people.

Still, maybe this would put me in a better mood.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> What the problem is?
Player>> Oh, hi.
Player>> Someone told me a website with a program on it.
Player>> But it won't work.
[GM]Dave>> Uh huh.
[GM]Dave>> Could you tell me the site please?
Player>> It was... www.takeallyourstuff.com
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> That sounds perfectly legit.
[GM]Dave>> Let me check the site.

A minute passes.

[GM]Dave>> Wow. That was disturbing.
[GM]Dave>> Your mom is pretty though.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> I'm just saying.
[GM]Dave>> Honestly though...
[GM]Dave>> The goat looked a little uncomfortable.
Player>> What are you talking about?
[GM]Dave>> Oh, I'm not judging.
[GM]Dave>> That's just not my type of movie.
[GM]Dave>> Totally not judging.
[GM]Dave>> *coughFREAKcough*
Player>> I have no idea what you're talking about.
Player>> The website has a program on it.
[GM]Dave>> Not the one I saw.
[GM]Dave>> Go check for yourself.

Another minute passes.

Player>> The site has a program on it.
Player>> I told you so.
[GM]Dave>> You actually went and looked?
Player>> Of course I did.
[GM]Dave>> I told you there was a video of your mom.
[GM]Dave>> With a goat.
[GM]Dave>> And you checked the site anyway.
Player>> Uhh...
[GM]Dave>> You have serious issues.
Player>> This is RIDICULOUS!
Player>> I WANT TO FILE A COMPLAINT!
[GM]Dave>> Would you like to speak to the Complaints Manager?
Player>> Yes.
Player>> Right now.

This is just too easy.

Then it hit me... It was too easy.

Where's the fun in that?

[GM]Jormy>> ROAR!
[GM]Jormy>> ROAR?
Player>> What?
Player>> What's going on?
[GM]Jormy>> ROAR ROAR ROAR.
Player>> Is this some kind of joke.
[GM]Jormy>> ROAR ROAR mom ROAR.
[GM]Jormy>> ROAR ROAR goat.
Player>> Not this again.
[GM]Jormy>> ROAR freak ROAR.
Player>> If something isn't done immediately...
Player>> I'm cancelling my account.

Jormungand hits Player for 15,982 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Jormy>> ROAR!
[GM]Dave>> He said "Can I help you with anything else today?"

Hey, I might be the crazy one.

But I'm taking some of you with me.