Bannable Offenses

Theme Week - Jormy Vol. 2

When I first started using Jormy as my full-time enforcer, there was a period of... Adjustment.

Yeah, that's a good word for it.

I don't think there's a word that means "the state in which you don't have a friggin' clue what the hell you're doing".

See, a giant, purple dragon shouldn't need an instruction manual.

It's a giant, freakin' dragon.

I want it to eat people.

What's to figure out?

Unfortunately, it seems the localization team didn't foresee a GM using an in-game dragon for their own nefarious purposes.

Tsk, tsk.

So, instead of having an easily decoded menu of eat/not eat, I was stuck with several dialogues filled with Japanese.

As we've previously discussed, I am not fluent in squiggle.

From my brief experience studying the language, it is truly beautiful and has great subtlety and nuance.

This makes understanding a little difficult at my level.

Also, my study guides don't seem to cover "How to make a dragon eat a guy".

They really should.

Of course, I haven't learned the word hospital yet, either. I can say "Excuse me, would you like to go get a drink?", but I can't say "hospital".

These courses are severely lacking in the hospital and dragon-related necessities.

So, there I am with my awesome pet dragon, totally ready to feed countless morons to him, and I don't have a clue what any of the buttons actually mean.

This would turn out to be problematic.

Just like a woman, you have to be very careful what buttons you press.

Otherwise, you end up killing a dozen random Japanese people.

...

That made a lot more sense in my head.

Anyway...

There I was. I was just waiting for someone, anyone to make a GM call.

I had a plan.

[GM]Dave's Big Plan

Step 1) Find Idiot
Step 2) Warp him to Uleguerand Range
Step 3) Feed him to Jormy
Step 4) Laugh maniacally

Okay, so it wasn't a terribly complex plan.

Sue me.

Honestly, I didn't really care what the person did. I was hoping it would be someone who had done something to really deserve it, but I was too excited to be picky.

Anyone would do.

Anyone...

It's funny. When I don't want to get a GM call, the retards line up to send me messages.

When I actually want one... Nothing.

I hate people so much.

HATE!

I decided the only way to keep myself from going crazy was to start crafting.

*DING*

Oh, you sons of bitches.

GM Call Description: I am both tasty and wrapped in bacon.

Okay, that's not what he said, but it doesn't really matter, does it?

He be gettin' eaten.

I immediately warped to his location.

I mean immediately. I didn't even mash buttons that fast when I was camping Mysticmaker Profblix.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> I understand you're having a digestion problem.
Player>> Uhh... No...
[GM]Dave>> Let's fix that, shall we?

*warp*

Player>> What are you doing?
Player>> What's going on?
[GM]Dave>> You're taking part in an exciting new quest.
Player>> What do you mean?
Player>> What quest?
[GM]Dave>> It's called "The Final Journey."
Player>> That doesn't sound very good.
[GM]Dave>> Hey, you're smarter than you look.
[GM]Dave>> Of course, you'd pretty much have to be.
Player>> Listen...
Player>> Can I just go?
Player>> I'm sorry I made that call.
[GM]Dave>> Not as sorry as you're going to be.
Player>> What?!
[GM]Dave>> I said "Yay! It's quest time!"
Player>> ...
Player>> You realize I can still see what you wrote, right?
Player>> It's still in the chat log.
[GM]Dave>> Honestly... I'm still a little surprised you can read.
Player>> Can I speak to your complaints manager?
[GM]Dave>> Oh, stop.
[GM]Dave>> You're killing me.

By this time, a number of players had gathered around.

What can I say? They love the shimmering armor.

I decided we'd had enough foreplay and it was time to get down to business. Vana'diel would be less one idiot and the gathering crowd would help spread my message.

So I opened up the Jormy dialogue and...

Wow...

That's a lot of squiggles.

Dammit.

Player>> Are you still there?

Dammitdammitdammit.

One of these things must say "eat player".

So, I randomly selected a command and pressed enter.

That's when those beautiful words filled up my chatlog.

Jormungand hits players for 14,832 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

That'd be a great way to end the story.

Yeah... That's not exactly what happened.

Instead of

Jormungand hits players for 14,832 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

I saw

Player takes 14,832 points of damage.
Player1 takes 12,658 points of damage.
Player2 takes 14,374 points of damage.
Player3 takes 13,991 points of damage.
Player4 takes 15,020 points of damage.
Player5 takes 11,363 points of damage.
Player6 takes 12,682 points of damage.
Player7 takes 12,174 points of damage.
Player8 takes 14,302 points of damage.
Player9 takes 13,557 points of damage.
Player10 takes 12,712 points of damage.
Player11 takes 13,920 points of damage.
Player12 takes 14,352 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.
Player1 was defeated by Jormungand.
Player2 was defeated by Jormungand.
Player3 was defeated by Jormungand.
Player4 was defeated by Jormungand.
Player5 was defeated by Jormungand.
Player6 was defeated by Jormungand.
Player7 was defeated by Jormungand.
Player8 was defeated by Jormungand.
Player9 was defeated by Jormungand.
Player10 was defeated by Jormungand.
Player11 was defeated by Jormungand.
Player12 was defeated by Jormungand.

And that's the story of the first time I ever fed an idiot to Jormy.

It's also the story about why I have a post it note on my monitor with some squiggles and the word "SPIKE FLAIL!" on it.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 7:08 PM