Saturday, September 13, 2008

Theme Week - Jormy Vol. 7!

I DID IT! SEVEN STRAIGHT DAYS OF UPDATES!

And you thought I couldn't do it.

Shame on you.

Well, this has been great. Drive safe, folks.

...

Shit.

I need to write something for today.

Jormy...

JormyJormyJormy.

Oh, don't worry. I'm kidding.

I left what I feel to be the best story for the last.

See, there are certain things you should say and there are certain things you shouldn't say.

Thing you should say: "Hello, Dear. You're looking nice today."

Thing you shouldn't say: "Hello, Dear. The International Astronomical Union called. They're classifying your ass as a planet."

Thing you should say: "Wow, that dress looks great on you, honey."

Thing you shouldn't say: "Wow, that dress looks great on me, honey."

Thing you should say: "Is there a problem, officer?"

Thing you shouldn't say: "Yeah, I was totally speeding."

Thing you really shouldn't say: "I can't believe you caught me, f--ker."

It's really not that hard to figure out. Basically, there should be some sort of filter between your brain and your mouth that helps you differentiate between the two.

Unfortunately, most people don't seem to have this.

And I mean the brain part.

Bah dump psshhhh.

Shut up. That was funny.

You would be honestly astounded at how people can say the most retarded things when they get in trouble.

Personally, if I was being reprimanded by a GM, I'd shut my damned mouth. You say one wrong thing and they can ban your account with the click of a button.

It's not hard.

The button is right there.

You don't even have to hold CTRL or nothing.

You feel free to take that as a warning.

A little over a week ago, I got a GM call asking me to deal with a teleport scammer. The guy would agree to teleport, take the player's gil, and then disband party.

Honestly, this is a pretty stupid scam. It might, MIGHT, take 20 seconds to teleport someone and then warp back to your original position.

Maybe 25 if load times are bad.

Stealing someone's gil to save yourself 20 seconds is pretty damned idiotic in my book.

Also, it makes you a huge douchebag.

Since this was a cut and dry case of violating an agreement, I decided action would have to be taken, so I promptly warped to the scammer's location.

Okay, "promptly" might be a bit of an exaggeration.

I promptly finished my drink, checked my e-mail, did some crafting, and THEN warped to the scammer's location.

Just in time to see him scam someone else.

Player>> GIVE ME BACK MY MONEY!
Scammer>> Sorry.
Scammer>> Not happening.

Talk about timing.

[GM]Dave>> Hail, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Is there a problem here?
Scammer>> No, sir.
Scammer>> No problem.
Player>> He stole my money.
[GM]Dave>> Uh huh.
[GM]Dave>> I figured that part out.
[GM]Dave>> I smart.
Player>> I'll just shut up now.
[GM]Dave>> Maybe that would be for the best.
Scammer>> Listen...
Scammer>> I don't know what the hell he's talking about.
[GM]Dave>> Well damn.
[GM]Dave>> I guess I don't have any proof.
Scammer>> Exactly.
[GM]Dave>> Unless you count the gigs and gigs worth of logs.
[GM]Dave>> Gigs.
[GM]Dave>> Do I have to go look at those?

I wasn't actually going to look at them.

I didn't get to be where I am today by looking at evidence or being fair.

[GM]Dave>> Or are you going to tell me the truth?
Scammer>> Okay...
Scammer>> Let me be honest...

*warp*

Area: Mordion Gaol

Scammer>> What are you doing?
[GM]Dave>> I'm trying to save us both some time.
[GM]Dave>> We both know you're about to lie.
Scammer>> That's not true.
[GM]Dave>> Then why'd you say you were going to be honest?
[GM]Dave>> You don't have to say that if you're being honest.
Scammer>> Oh just do it already.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> Do what?
Scammer>> Give me my warning.
Scammer>> I have stuff to do.
[GM]Dave>> Warning?
[GM]Dave>> Who said anything about a warning?
Scammer>> Oh knock it off.
Scammer>> You don't scare me.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you don't know who I am.
Scammer>> Yeah, I know.
Scammer>> That's all bullshit.
Scammer>> I'm not scared.
[GM]Dave>> You must be a slow learner.
[GM]Dave>> Do you have any idea what I could do?
Scammer>> Nothing.
Scammer>> Absolutely nothing.
[GM]Dave>> That's not the answer I was expecting.
Scammer>> You can't ban me.
[GM]Dave>> Are you really sure of that?
Scammer>> GMs can't do anything.

Already he had me angry. At this point, I was quite ready to fly to his house and beat him to death.

I'm tough, but fair.

Then... Then he said something even dumber.

Scammer>> What are you going to do next?
Scammer>> Call out your big, purple dragon...
Scammer>> Barney?

Barney.

He called Jormy, the huge, terrifying, moron-consuming dragon, Barney.

[GM]Dave>> Did you just...
[GM]Dave>> Did you...

My mind couldn't even form the sentences.

At this point, I could have summoned Jormy and have him make a quick snack of our brain damaged friend.

But no... I always learned that the punishment should fit the crime.

Four hours later...

Area: Whitegate

[GM]Dave>> Sing it again.
Scammer>> Please...
Scammer>> Please stop.
Jormy>> ROAR!
[GM]Dave>> He says you're not dancing enough.
Scammer>> I'm really sorry.
[GM]Dave>> Don't make me tell you again.
[GM]Dave>> Sing.
Scammer>> I love you...
Scammer>> You love me...

Jormungand hits Scammer for 13,486 points of damage.
Scammer was defeated by Jormungand.
Scammer falls to level 63.

[GM]Dave>> He doesn't think you're being sincere.

[GM]Dave casts Raise on Scammer.

[GM]Dave>> Let's try this again.
Scammer>> Please...
[GM]Dave>> SING, DAMN YOU!
[GM]Dave>> SING FOR BARNEY!
Scammer>> I love you...

Jormungand hits Scammer for 12,809 points of damage.
Scammer was defeated by Jormungand.

Scammer>> What was that one for?!
[GM]Dave>> You're not clapping enough.

This went on for several hours.

Then he just gave up, his spirit broken, and logged out.

I almost felt bad.

Almost.

Then, I almost felt bad again when he logged back in the next day.

[GM]Dave>> From the top.

Listen... If you want to say mean things about me, that's one thing.

But don't you dare say anything about Jormy.

He's sensitive.

You know... For a dragon.

19 Comments:

At 8:51 PM, Blogger Jeff said...

Oh wow! That truly was an amazing story!

 
At 9:52 PM, Blogger Fulluphigh said...

Just to confirm this here, it did end in a ban, right?

 
At 10:04 PM, Blogger David said...

I think it's still going on.. day 5 now?

 
At 11:04 PM, Blogger Vagu'Stae said...

This is the best post about Jormy ever. Hands down.

Also, the Barney Song is stuck in my head now...

 
At 12:06 AM, Blogger Alex said...

I'm not speculating the truth of this story, because it's funny either way, but don't you have to agree to take a res? Or can GMs force it?

 
At 12:14 AM, Blogger Tyler said...

See, that's the stupid thing about scamming people money for teleports. It costs you absolutely no money to teleport the person, and when you choose to disband after the customer pays you, he /shouts that you are a scammer or calls a GM. On one hand, you get the money but no one else will accept from you again. On the other hand, you get the money and you get the Deluxe Package.

 
At 1:48 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

*slow clap*
Ironically, I feel like giving Jormy a hug now. I'd likely get digested as a result, but it'd be worth it.

 
At 2:47 AM, Blogger Alshandra said...

ah so many lols

 
At 4:02 AM, Blogger Brian said...

"Thing you shouldn't say: 'Hello, Dear. The International Astronomical Union called. They're classifying your ass as a planet.'"

lol That's funny to me for so many reasons.

And yes you have to confirm a raise.

As far as I know, GM's can't raise... Oh noes.

 
At 5:54 AM, Blogger Ben said...

Yes, GMs can force res. We've seen it happen in like 10 of his other entries.

Also, this was pretty good. You get a Mao clap. :D

 
At 11:55 AM, Blogger Sword said...

Wow! I didn't think you could top it, but you just did Dave. Bravo!

 
At 7:06 PM, Blogger GTRacer said...

Are you serious? There are people who tele-scam players? They are really that stupid?

Wow...I've had bad days as a tele-whore but geez, I've never said to myself, "Wouldn't it be swell to run off with this dude's 2k (if lucky!) and get blacklisted from every endgame LS, cut off from invites, and very possibly a visit from Barn... I mean, Jormy?"

Ah hell. I'll save you the trouble Dave...

/sh I love you
/clap
/sh You love me
/clap
/dance2
/...

 
At 11:26 PM, Blogger Alex said...

"I DID IT! SEVEN STRAIGHT DAYS OF UPDATES!"

And they were all high-quality too. Seven straight updates that had me literally laughing out loud (or, if I was up late reading them - i.e. right now - trying very very hard NOT to laugh out loud so that nobody would wake up). Well done indeed, [GM]Dave!

 
At 11:28 PM, Blogger Alex said...

Double posting here, but ah crud, someone else stole my display name. For the record, the person five comments down from the first one is not me. *changes display name now*

 
At 11:29 PM, Blogger wai said...

There we go. Much better.

 
At 9:58 AM, Blogger Kyle said...

7 days straight is impressive. Don't get burnt out though, man.

 
At 3:31 PM, Blogger Leut said...

Barney..... That's classic.

Next thing you know one of them is gonna call Dave the Purple Teletubbie.....


*snicker*



Nice purse.

 
At 5:28 PM, Blogger semele said...

OMG I love it. You don't disrespect a dragon. I bet you have him on your friends list and will be punishing him whenever bored for the better part of a year. Fantastic!

WTH is wrong with people anyhow? GMs are there to help you fix your minor annoyances, most of which players get themselves into. Hey, I've been stuck behind a wall before myself. It happens. But I'm always overly polite to the GM who shows up. My GM call is short and descriptive "I'm an idiot and got myself stuck in an area that apparently is not done being rendered". Then I wait. And when they come I say "Good evening GMname" and at the end "Thank you very much. Have a great night." Is that so hard? Apparently. Oh, but I have one of those, whatacallit? Brains. Yeah. /sigh

 
At 11:37 AM, Blogger Peppy_Hare said...

Do a barrel roll!

 

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