Riddle Me This...Okay, I'm going to blow your mind here for a minute. I'd advise you to sit down or something because your entire head is about to crack wide open.
Are you ready?
Why don't we have a Batman yet?
I want you to really think about this.
This has been bothering me for days.
I'm not asking a stupid question. I didn't just say "Why don't we have a Superman yet?" or something stupid like that.
Superman is an alien from another planet.
That doesn't make any sense.
The immigration papers alone...
But Batman doesn't have any special powers. He's not an alien or a mutant or anything.
He's just a rich guy with issues and too much time on his hands.
Don't we have a whole freakin' bunch of those running around?
Seriously, you can't even turn on the television anymore without seeing some rich retard serving no actual purpose.
Why hasn't one of these guys manned up and gone Batman?
Is it the whole parents killed in front of you thing?
We could totally fix that.
Hell, it should be a government program. If your parents are rich, the government shoots them in front of you and then you fight crime.
Why is the government wasting money on stupid things like education when they could be focusing on the face shooting initiative?
That's a plan we can all get behind.
It'll be like gun control only with more face shooting.
All of those spoiled, rich bastards serving no purpose in our society...
Is it so much to ask that one of these useless excuses for people get their act together and do something important?
We already have douchebags.
We have a freakin' ton of those guys already.
What we need is Batman.
You're already spending five hours a day in the gym so you can make other people feel bad about themselves.
Why not throw in some kung fu lessons and a utility belt?
Why am I the first person to think of this?
I mean, we haven't even seen someone take a shot at it. We haven't seen one person try out the whole vigilante superhero gig.
That moron who climbs buildings doesn't count.
Spiderman, my ass.
No one has ever tried to be Batman.
Does that make any sense?
There's a woman who pretends to be Kim Kardashian and charges people money to go to parties.
How the hell do we have two Kim Kardashian's and no Batman?
There's something wrong with our society.
You'd think that someone, anyone would have at least tried. You'd think some poor bastard would WANT to be Batman.
I want to be Batman.
You want to be Batman.
Oh, shut up. You know you want to be Batman.
So, why don't we have a Batman?
I'd do it myself, but I don't have the unlimited resources or free time.
I'm pretty sure no one has shot my mom in the face.
I'm pretty sure.
I should probably call her.
There is no good damned reason why we don't have a Batman yet.
They let Val Kilmer be Batman for a while.
How hard could it be?
It's not like it would be a terribly difficult job or anything.
We don't have actual supervillains. There's no Joker running around planning overly complex crimes.
Sure, we've got lots of really bad people.
That's what the kung fu's for.
You see a bad guy, you kung fu him in the face.
And think of all the perks that come with the job:
- really cool car
- awesome underground lair
- lots of amazing gadgets
With only one major drawback:
- your mom gets shot in the face
That's not a bad deal.
You can bury her next to the lair.
Seriously. One of you people put down your Starbucks and get to f--king work.
Congratulations. You're Batman.
Your parents will be so proud of you.
Maybe you should call them.