Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Riddle Me This...

Okay, I'm going to blow your mind here for a minute. I'd advise you to sit down or something because your entire head is about to crack wide open.

Are you ready?

Why don't we have a Batman yet?

I want you to really think about this.

This has been bothering me for days.

I'm not asking a stupid question. I didn't just say "Why don't we have a Superman yet?" or something stupid like that.

Superman is an alien from another planet.

That doesn't make any sense.

The immigration papers alone...

But Batman doesn't have any special powers. He's not an alien or a mutant or anything.

He's just a rich guy with issues and too much time on his hands.

Don't we have a whole freakin' bunch of those running around?

Seriously, you can't even turn on the television anymore without seeing some rich retard serving no actual purpose.

Why hasn't one of these guys manned up and gone Batman?

Is it the whole parents killed in front of you thing?

We could totally fix that.

Hell, it should be a government program. If your parents are rich, the government shoots them in front of you and then you fight crime.

Why is the government wasting money on stupid things like education when they could be focusing on the face shooting initiative?

That's a plan we can all get behind.

It'll be like gun control only with more face shooting.

All of those spoiled, rich bastards serving no purpose in our society...

Is it so much to ask that one of these useless excuses for people get their act together and do something important?

We already have douchebags.

We have a freakin' ton of those guys already.

What we need is Batman.

You're already spending five hours a day in the gym so you can make other people feel bad about themselves.

Why not throw in some kung fu lessons and a utility belt?

Why am I the first person to think of this?

I mean, we haven't even seen someone take a shot at it. We haven't seen one person try out the whole vigilante superhero gig.

That moron who climbs buildings doesn't count.

Spiderman, my ass.

No one has ever tried to be Batman.

Does that make any sense?

There's a woman who pretends to be Kim Kardashian and charges people money to go to parties.

How the hell do we have two Kim Kardashian's and no Batman?

There's something wrong with our society.

You'd think that someone, anyone would have at least tried. You'd think some poor bastard would WANT to be Batman.

I want to be Batman.

You want to be Batman.

Oh, shut up. You know you want to be Batman.

So, why don't we have a Batman?

I'd do it myself, but I don't have the unlimited resources or free time.

Or motivation.

I'm pretty sure no one has shot my mom in the face.

I'm pretty sure.

I should probably call her.

There is no good damned reason why we don't have a Batman yet.

There isn't.

They let Val Kilmer be Batman for a while.

How hard could it be?

It's not like it would be a terribly difficult job or anything.

We don't have actual supervillains. There's no Joker running around planning overly complex crimes.

Sure, we've got lots of really bad people.

That's what the kung fu's for.

You see a bad guy, you kung fu him in the face.

Problem solved.

And think of all the perks that come with the job:

- really cool car
- awesome underground lair
- lots of amazing gadgets
- butler

With only one major drawback:

- your mom gets shot in the face

That's not a bad deal.

You can bury her next to the lair.

Seriously. One of you people put down your Starbucks and get to f--king work.

Congratulations. You're Batman.

Your parents will be so proud of you.

Maybe you should call them.



At 7:52 PM, Blogger BlueBlasphemy said...

*ahem* First.

At 8:33 PM, Blogger Loon said...

Headlines : Rick Hilton shot!

Paris Hilton set to be BatGirl.

At 9:22 PM, Blogger Cypher said...

She already tried that but she screwed it up & became BJ Girl.

At 11:12 PM, Blogger Alex said...

Better yet, why don't we have the A-Team?

At 12:54 AM, Blogger Pim said...

Or MacGyver? Or a Knight Rider? Those would make slightly more sense, since superheroes always need a supervillain to fight. Otherwise that superhero would just sit around on his/her ass, go to parties, etc... basically do what rich people do. What they are doing.

You want to see Batman? You need a supervillain and the Batmen will rise.

But to fight petty crime no one really cares about, you should have an A-team, MacGyver or Knight Rider. We have petty crime. It's probably affecting attractive young people. So where are they?

Forget the cape, I want a talking Pontiac.

At 2:47 AM, Blogger jibbydo said...

dave... I thought you were against the whole retardation thing? I know your smarter than this

At 7:27 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

Batman is also one of the smartest mother-fuckers of all-time. Do you REALLY think any of the rich douchebags out there could match his level of intelligence? Doubtful.

At 8:47 AM, Blogger Rob said...

MacGuyver, eh, Pim? I'll do it! And I'll make Batman's lair with a tube of chapstick, a shoebox, and my shoelace!

At 9:51 AM, Blogger RurouniZanza said...

Thought about doing that but there is one problem. How to find the 'bad guys'.

Not only how to find them, but also catch them in the act of doing something illegal.

I mean, what is one supposed to do? Stalk them? I got less boring things to do with my time.

Now let's get back to my FFXI.

At 10:06 AM, Blogger Sword said...

Hmmm this seems right up my alley unfortunately I lack 2 things.

1. I don't live in a huge trans-metropolotin city.
2. I'm not rich.

Of course I could become a criminal, rob a bank, use that for funding of my crime fighting career, and just play crime fighting off as an act of repentience and it will all work out in the end.

At 11:15 AM, Blogger Music-chan said...

to pim:

The thing is, I don't think Batman started because of big supervillains. He started because his parents were killed by a theives. So it's perfectly reasonable to assume that someone could get into that revenge mentality without having the supervillain around.

I think it was Batman Begins that insinuated that it was actually Batman himself who sort of encouraged the presence of super villains. Freaks create freaks, after all. So we need the Batman FIRST, then we get super villains.

At 1:30 PM, Blogger Pim said...

^ You make an interesting point. I wonder if they allow showings of Batman movies at orphanages.

If not, what a great place to start!

At 1:57 PM, Blogger Tyler said...

I think Batman is 98% luck, 1% technology, and 1% rich guy. While we do have the rich guy, it's the other 99% that we have to work out. I'm fairly sure the stuff in Batman's utility belt isn't fully 'realistic'.

And for luck. Have you ever seen the Batman shows and movies? I'm fairly sure in real life, the bad guys would actually AIM. If you've got 30 guys with machine guns, they aren't going to miss. He's also ridiculously lucky when it comes to all of his stunts. He fires a zip-line to the other building and it always wraps itself in a knot around a perfectly solid pole.

These are just a few examples. Though I'm not sure quite how 'serious' [GM]Dave is about this whole entry...

At 3:13 PM, Blogger Jeff said...

Tell you what, We'll rig a billion dollar lottery and let you win; then we'll shoot your mother in the face. Will that solve the problem?

At 6:01 PM, Blogger Sword said...

Tyler you would be suprised. Hired thugs arn't very sophisticated in mind or tactics unlike professional killers so it's not so much a game of who's got more firepower it'a a game of wits and stealth. Batman will start by taking out one or two thugs. As they seperate and search for him he'll take them out one by one, by the time there is only one or two thugs left they're freaking out thinking they're next.

At 6:06 PM, Blogger Nik said...

To Tyler,

Of course the bad guys will miss with their machine guns. They're all playing DRK.

At 7:03 PM, Blogger Tyler said...

"Of course the bad guys will miss with their machine guns. They're all playing DRK."

A DRK/SAM Mithra with Hasso and no equipment has 311 accuracy.

A SAM/WAR Mithra with Hasso and no equipment has the exact same.

A THF/NIN Mithra with no equipment has 289 accuracy.

If they were playing Dark Knight, they'd have some of the highest accuracy in the game >.>

At 10:29 PM, Blogger tom said...

you know these last i checked there was no Accuracy combat skill...

At 4:59 AM, Blogger semele said...

You're my write-in candidate for president.

Okay, I lie. Its actually Jormy.

How awesome would a Jormy for President campaign be? "North Korea, we demand you stop producing nuclear weapons." "No. Whatcha gonna do about it, USA?" "Well, as president, I'm going to swallow you, whole." "...okay, fine."

But I think Jormy would let you be vice president or at least secretary of defense.

At 5:07 AM, Blogger Tyler said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 7:47 AM, Blogger Plight said...

You have a kid now right, Dave? Take one for the team and conduct all your travels with Susan and junior in dark alleys.

Yeah, that's why we have no Batman.

At 6:25 PM, Blogger Tyler said...

Sorry, I made a mistake with my calculations. It's actually:


(Skill-200)*0.90 + 200 + (DEX)*0.75

At 8:46 PM, Blogger Twitch said...

Not quite like Batman... well, not Batman at all, but at least they try. Maybe they should stop.

At 7:40 PM, Blogger Leut said...

There is a Batman IRL. I'm not kidding you.

There is a DJ in the Dallas, TX area that totally has the costume and even THE Batmobile. He's loaded and bought it off some online auction. He also bought the Mach 5 from speed racer.

Check it out @

At 12:52 PM, Blogger John said...

Who needs Batman when you have this guy:


Post a Comment

<< Home