Monday, February 02, 2009

When Exactly...

Could someone please explain to me when game development went batshit crazy?

I'm serious.

I'm not sure when it happened, but apparently the process of developing games has taken some horrible wrong turn.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not claiming to be some expert on game development.

Still, I thought the basic process was:

1) Come up with idea
2) Design Game
3) Find publisher
4) ???
5) Profit

Seems pretty straight forward to me.

And yet, in the past couple of months, the whole system has lost its shit.

First, there was Bob's Game.

Bob was a visionary. He designed and created his very own game for the Nintendo DS.

Bob was an entrepreneur. He decided he wanted to become a licensed developer.

Bob was a freakin' nutcase.

Apparently, Nintendo wouldn't sell him the developer's kit he needed to finish his game. There were probably a number of business-related reasons for this not limited to Bob being a raving nutjob.

Now, I feel for Bob's plight. He worked very hard on what looks like a very interesting game.

What would you do in his position?

Write carefully worded letters?

Ask the company what you need to do?

And when that doesn't work...

You'd isolate yourself from society in some form of protest, slowly losing your mind while writing page longs rants about how you're the greatest game designer who has ever lived and that the company that you're trying to negotiate with is evil incarnate.

Wait... You wouldn't do that?

That sounds a little crazy?

Yeah, it does.

But that's what Bob did.

I am the GREATEST GAME DEVELOPER THAT EVER LIVED.
I am a GENIUS, and I will be around for the next 40 years- eating away at your company until it exists no longer.
I will find way after way to slowly destroy your bottom line, and your business will fail.
The name NINTENDO will be forgotten, a discarded husk like so many others.
"bob's game" will live on FOREVER.


THOSE WHO DOUBT ME- YUU WILL BE PROVEN WRONG.
IN TIME THE TRUTH WILL PREVAIL.

PREPARE TO EAT YOUR WORDS.

YES, I AM COMPLETELY SERIOUS!

WHO'S TAKING NAMES NOW, REGGIE?!


That's a quote from his website.

The website he first set up to persuade Nintendo to help him out.

Did I mention he quit halfway through, threw a massive fit, and lay motionless on his webcam for hours?

And just a couple of days ago, he left his self-imposed 100 day isolation to assault a Nintendo World store?

I'm not making any of this up.

I don't even need to.

Here's another example of persuasive writing:

In fact, I... Ugh... My head... This pain! Why won't this pain go away?! DON'T YOU DARE IGNORE ME, NINTENDO.
I DEMAND THE SDK- AND IF YOU DO NOT OBEY I WILL TAKE MY REVENGE, YOU MISERABLE FOOLS!
I WILL RUN YOUR
PATHETIC LITTLE COMPANY INTO THE GROUND AND SPIT ON THE SMOLDERING REMAINS!
I WILL CRUSH YOU INTO DUST AND FLUSH AWAY THE ASHES LIKE ANY OTHER FILTH! ROTTING, PUTRID SEWAGE- THAT'S ALL YOU ARE!

Yeah.

He was doing so well up until that sewage comment. I think he was starting to make real progress.

I remember the time I needed the day off and my boss said no.

Then, I called him rotting, putrid sewage.

Totally worked.

According to Bob, the game development process goes more like this:

1) Come up with idea
2) Design Game
3) Run into problem
4) ???
5) Sit in your apartment wearing a tinfoil crown and vowing to take vengeance upon the evil conglomerate that made Animal Crossing
6) Profit?

How exactly does he see this playing out in his mind?

I'm sure Nintendo ignored his original application and pleadings because they just weren't crazy enough.

That SDK is in the mail right now.

Now, as if Bob's Game wasn't evidence enough, we have a game called Winter.

Winter is a darker game from the survival horror genre.

For the Wii.

You're probably confused because you're not used to seeing the words "darker" and "horror" anywhere near the word "Wii".

And that's the problem.

The guys who made the game are struggling to find a publisher for what looks like an awesome game because most publishers don't see a big survival-horror market on a console aimed at a more child friendly demographic.

Who would have guessed?

Now, I'm on the side of the Winter guys. Unlike Bob, these guys are managing to hold onto some semblance of sanity while they work their shit out.

And what's the best way to convince publishers?

Contacting companies and letting them play the game for themselves?

Getting copies to industry insiders to get good word of mouth going?

And when that doesn't work...

Internet petition.

I'm not sure who came up with the idea of the internet petition. It probably seemed like a very smart idea at the time.

Hey, you know what big corporations are totally going to listen to? That intarweb place that's obsessed with Rick Astley, Chuck Norris, and cats with speech impediments.

Screw those demographic studies and sales forecasts. There's a petition signed by random people.

I'm holding out hope that these guys find a publisher. It would finally prove that internet petitions are a valid form of expression.

Stop laughing.

This is just insane. An actually good game that people actually want to play can't get to the shelves because it's not the same shit they're already throwing at us.

But tomorrow, they're going to pop out eight more sequels to Imagine Babiez.

Because people are just buying those right up.

Except for the ones that try to convert kids to Islam.

Long story.

Honestly, it's like the whole game development process has gone insane.

Next thing you know, someone will be threatening to blow up game developers for not making better games.

Whoops.

Hey, maybe this could be the way to go if the internet petition doesn't work.

All we have top do is find someone crazy enough to bomb a game company.

Anyone know Bob's number?

17 Comments:

At 7:19 PM, Blogger GreatMno said...

Crazy is obviously the new gifted and talented all rolled into one convenient package.

 
At 7:50 PM, Blogger Chrysalis said...

"Hey, you know what big corporations are totally going to listen to? That intarweb place that's obsessed with Rick Astley, Chuck Norris, and cats with speech impediments."

Thank you! That laugh was highly needed today.

 
At 9:54 PM, Blogger Mazakii said...

Err...Wow. That website is kinda...I can't think of a word to describe it.

 
At 1:02 AM, Blogger Pim said...

"Cats with speech impediments"

And now I've learned that getting coffee in one's nose is an unpleasant experience. Hehehe, someone should register that .com just for the hell of it.

 
At 1:25 AM, Blogger J. Scarper said...

I'm actually scared now.

 
At 1:26 AM, Blogger Dorian Mode said...

Another blow struck for sanity!

Well, sanity and whiskey.

OK, sanity and whiskey and pretydamnfunny.

Yay for prettydamnfunny. Thanks, Dave.

 
At 6:31 AM, Blogger Brandon said...

Knowing that people like Bob weren't committed to an insane asylum years ago keeps me from sleeping at night.

 
At 10:38 AM, Blogger Daemona said...

Instead of Bob, give this cop a call... just tell him the company stole all the PS3's in the world. That should get his attention.

http://www.newsobserver.com/102/story/522546.html

 
At 4:31 PM, Blogger Display said...

Typically moronic and senseless.

It makes me wonder why people find enjoyment in you're failed writings.

They must love the 'returns' that you use.

As if it keeps them guessing.

Haha..

See?


Yeah....





That.



You're opinions are stupid. Stop writing about bullshit. Get a new hobby. Tend to your wife.


And get over yourself.


Do something that has worth. If you find yourself so outside of the real world, then make an actual difference in a new way.

Get a Clue.

 
At 5:04 PM, Blogger TJ said...

@Display:

1) Because you're being forced to come back and read Dave's latest postings? I personally enjoy Dave's talk about "Bullshit", its worth some laughs and I like his writing style.

2) Lol

 
At 5:29 PM, Blogger Jesse said...

"The name NINTENDO will be forgotten, a discarded husk like so many others."
I seriously don't remember any real gamer forgetting Atari......

 
At 6:03 PM, Blogger Display said...

@ TJ

1) lol.


2) wicked that you have sense.

3) Well.?

 
At 12:17 PM, Blogger Yotevol said...

[GM] Dave is fun to read.
Taking the writtings of a "blog" serious enough to return again and write on his comment section obvious means you are a fan.

Face it. You <3 [GM] Dave.
You are just mad he's married, with children... because he's not married to you!

Or... You may just have some deep sense of jealousy for [GM] Dave.

That, or you are just a masochist that enjoys tormenting yourself by reading something you don't like.

Maybe you just hope and believe that someone actually will care what you say.
*crosses fingers*

Anyone care yet?

*crickets*

Didn't think so.

Back to the entertainment.

~Yotevol

 
At 3:54 PM, Blogger Bufuman said...

I can see GM Dave's reaction to Display's comment now.

"Oh shit, one person said that my blog sucks! As compared to the couple dozen people that comment on ever post, plus the people that read and enjoy it without commenting! I guess I'd better stop writing for good! This guy obviously knows everything! After all, he's taking time off of his obviously busy and exciting life to comment on the suckiness of a blog he doesn't have to read! He probably has some friends! And I bet he doesn't live in his mother's basement! He's probably never been punched in the face for being mega-massively-retarded either! And if he has a FFXI account, I don't think it'll be banned in the next few days! Well, I guess I'll go do something 'worthwhile' now."

 
At 4:30 PM, Blogger Ariel said...

I love how people post things like, "You're opinions are stupid." in comments.

Can I first point out that it's "your" not "you're" as the second implies "you are" and "You are opinions are stupid," makes Display sound like the idiots who don't know the differences between "affect" and "effect".

Secondly, do you know how funny that is? Display took time out of his undoubtedly busy schedule just to tell you his opinion: that your opinion is stupid.

I'll wait for laughter.

When they crawl up from the vast depths of the retarded-ocean and beach themselves like this, one can't help but want to kick their gasping bodies back into the water.

 
At 7:22 PM, Blogger Chrysalis said...

hey hey! lets not pick on the poor 8 year old!!! its not nice to tag team him like that..

display, is your mommy home? can i talk to her for a minute?

 
At 12:06 PM, Blogger Gwaelyn said...

Have you looked at Bob's website since you wrote this? He's fallen a little bit further. Not only is he on an alien spaceship, but they are partying with disco balls!
"You can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a womans man; no time to talk. Ah, ha, ha, ha stayin' alive, stayin' alive."

Yeah. Tin foil party. Woot.

 

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