Thursday, February 12, 2009

I Warned You

You know what? Valentine's Day is bullshit.

Bull.

Shit.

The entire day is pitted against men. It's like some group of man-haters devised a holiday intended solely to piss guys off.

Oh, hey... You had something romantic planned, huh?

Huh?

Didja?

Good luck living up to the bullshit romantic standards that have been set for you.

If you don't have a 3 carat diamond ring being delivered by a dove while the first song you ever heard together is played by an orchestra, you're pretty much screwed.

Every one of those damned romantic comedies that your girl loves so much have pretty much set you up to completely fail any attempt at romance.

Unless you're a tortured, mysterious soul (who may or may not be a vampire) that sweeps her off her feet while AT NO POINT even suggesting sex, you are pretty much out of luck.

That's it. Game over.

Thanks for playing.

Basically, if you're a guy in a relationship, February 14th is going to be a giant kick in the balls from the universe.

And lord forbid you're single.

Then the entire day becomes "Here's a bajillion reminders that no one loves you" Day.

Admittedly, they don't make cards for that.

Then again, who'd buy you one?

People jokingly call it Singles Awareness Day. They say it with an ironic smile and laugh a little too much.

Then, they go home and cry themselves to sleep.

It's not like you weren't single yesterday or that there's even anything wrong with being single.

If that's how you roll, then cool.

But then the whole world decided to dedicate one whole day to pointing out that if you don't have someone to cling on to, then your life is empty.

Yeah... Thanks, guys.

If it wasn't bad enough that you're single, suddenly society makes you out to be some form of freak.

Maybe you like being single.

Maybe you're waiting for the right person to come along.

Maybe you're busy leveling up your ranger.

Do you really need to be ridiculed for that fact?

Of course you do.

Hallmark says so.

So, now you're stuck shopping for a gift that has to sum up your feelings for your significant other. You need to find something that conveys your deep, undying love for her and how she makes every breath you take worth taking.

Or anything gold.

Either or.

Speaking of gifts... Why exactly do women think it's okay to not get anything for a guy on Valentine's Day?

The day is supposed to be about love. That sort of suggests it's intended for two people.

No, that thing you do when you're by yourself does not count as love.

Stop it.

Since the holiday is intended to be shared between two people, shouldn't you both get gifts?

Yeah, yeah. You can say it's a chick holiday all you want.

That's bullshit.

If you don't want to be celebrating Singles Awareness Day next year, make with the damned presents already.

The craziest part is that women think it's okay to not get anything for a guy because it's just presumed she's going to put out.

Don't look at me like that. It's a rule.

Now, you may ask why that's crazy. It seems like a pretty sweet deal for the guy.

And it would be... Unless something goes wrong on Valentine's Day.

Oops, you got her the wrong gift or you took her to the wrong restaurant.

Or you hit on the waitress.

Suddenly, that rule goes right out the window.

Can you imagine if a guy tried that?

Guy>> Honey, I got you something.
Girl>> Really?
Girl>> What is it?
Guy>> I don't know.
Guy>> Let's see how good a lay you are first.

He'd be picking up his teeth until March.

If sex is an acceptable Valentine's gift, then why the hell do us guys have to buy stuff in the first place?

We're there too, you know.

Isn't it kind of a communal gift at that point?

I mean you're giving it to her, too.

Wait... That didn't come out right.

35 Comments:

At 5:08 PM, Blogger Shiroi Tsubasa said...

Godspeed,good sir,Godspeed. /salute

 
At 5:13 PM, Blogger FerrariF50 said...

Saturday is going to suck, I still haven't gotten my girlfriend anything...off to find a card.

 
At 5:30 PM, Blogger Daio said...

Im glad i have it easy. I feel sorry for all those guys whos girls have high expectations. I found me a pure gamer girl. I get her a semi rare in game item and im good to go!

Good luck Dave!

 
At 6:48 PM, Blogger Benjamin said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 6:53 PM, Blogger Benjamin said...

You think the day is bad enough try having your birthday on Valentines day. My girl asked me if she really has to get me something for my birthday since it is on Valentines day.

 
At 7:45 PM, Blogger jack121 said...

leveling ranger? hell yeah i am... oh wait... dammit

 
At 8:14 PM, Blogger Aydindril said...

Your girlfriends suck. I got my boyfriend a video game for valentine's day.

Yeah, you're rethinking that relationship now, aren't ya.. :P

 
At 9:08 PM, Blogger Paul said...

Aydindril, do you have a sister?

 
At 9:17 PM, Blogger Ariel said...

Holidays like this amuse me and frustrate me. It's a corporate holiday in the most extreme sense - buy this for her, buy that for her! Spend more of your money here so she'll love you!

Ugh.

I got my boyfriend an video game too, like Aydindril. I know what my guy likes. And it totally has nothing to do with the fact that I want to play the game too.

Nope, none at all.

 
At 9:47 PM, Blogger Strings said...

See, I completely ignore Valentine's Day.

I do special things at random for my girls throughout the year: why do I need a special day for THAT?

 
At 11:38 PM, Blogger Michael said...

Screw Valentines day.

If I want to give my wife a gift I do it because I feel like it not because some halfwit invented a "sell all your crappy red roses day".

 
At 12:40 AM, Blogger Surazal said...

I didn't even realize it was Valentines Day. Oh well, back to my pr0n.

 
At 2:32 AM, Blogger Urthdigger said...

The whole one-sidedness is one of the reasons I'm single. I want to find a girl who's fine with just a romantic day spent together instead of expecting me to lavish her with gifts on every occasion just because society says so. If a girl needs to be given gifts all the time to stay with a guy, what does that say about her love for him?

Unfortunately I happen to be a teenager, and all my peers happen to be shallow. Ah well. I've got a hard drive full of gifts to me.

 
At 3:20 AM, Blogger Mali said...

Well... I am spending V-day alone. Not because I am single but because my boyfriend doesn't feel like doing anything. Screw him.

 
At 4:44 AM, Blogger Amy said...

Now there IS a holiday just for the men, so we women can get great stuff for Valentine's day. Do a great job on Feb 14th and then March 14th is all about you!

http://www.steakandbjday.com/

 
At 4:55 AM, Blogger JAFO said...

I don't know why women think their alleged "putting out" is such an amazing deal.
It should be called "lay on my back while you work your ass off" instead of "putting out".
Even when they do something, its never for very long, 3-5 minutes, tops.
So to all women, even mine, thank you for giving me 30-45 minutes of the horizontal version of a cardio workout...and then YOU get tired before I "arrive" and we have to stop...yeah...thanks...love you too sweety...

 
At 6:34 AM, Blogger Akamar said...

Bah, Valentines... Being rather discomfited by romantic gestures and the like as it is, I find myself constantly scoffing at the varied commercials featured this time of year.

Jewelry commercials, in particular.

"He went to Jareds!"

"Every Kiss begins with K...~"

... what in the world is an overpriced sliver of colorless (if sparkly) rock going to prove to me? Yes, Diamonds are forever, or some rot.. but I prefer pearls.. and don't wear the ones I have as it is. :P It's money that can go to more vital things.

And I'm a weird chick, I guess.. I'm the sort that would rather give flower/flowers to someone I like.. :/

 
At 7:14 AM, Blogger Winterhart said...

It's so damn true. I'm a girl, and the attitudes that my friends/acquaintances have about "Oh, he's taking me to ~here~" or "Oh, there's this ~necklace~ that I just have to have!" make me want to beat them over the head with a nailed board.

Rusty nails.

Screw Valentine's Day. I'd much rather have a normal, laid-back Saturday. Playing WoW (*cough*). :P

 
At 7:23 AM, Blogger Wavrik said...

Good luck GM Dave, I personally will be celebrating Singles Awareness Day. *cries alone*

 
At 9:03 AM, Blogger Divine Chaos said...

I'm a chick, and I fucking hate Valentine's day. It has got to be the lamest, stupidest .. ok, to make a long stupid story very short -- cupid needs black wings and poison darts to jam in people's eyes. That's what I think.

I'm all for Steak & Blow Job day for the guys though, yep, all for it.

 
At 9:28 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

You know, Dave? I'm single, and I honestly don't mind. Why is that? Read your post. You just listed pretty much every reason I have.

 
At 10:35 AM, Blogger RamblingDreamer said...

First, to JAFO:

Putting out. They're doing it wrong.

And now...

Know what I want from my hubby for Valentine's Day? A day to run an instance or three without having to pause every five seconds to go see what my daughter is dragging me into the kitchen for. Usually he's instancing and I'm running around after her. Saturday is HIS turn. That's all I want. No gifts, no fancy dinner. Just a day to play the way I want without having to worry about everything else. That'd ROCK.

And he's getting a gift on Valentine's Day, too. He's getting a few books he really really wants.

And I may or may not be putting out (the proper kind, not the kind like JAFO mentioned). Like I'm going to tell you sickos. :P

Okay. I will be. (I'm a sicko too)

 
At 10:41 AM, Blogger Skitzkitty said...

O.o I wouldn't be caught dead out on V-day. A couple of years ago my husband tried to take me to a nice place... they said it'd be an hour something wait. I'm pretty sure I suggested just getting Burger King or something.

 
At 10:52 AM, Blogger Brandon said...

Lucky for me my Fiancee doesn't like wasting that money, so my gift to her is I make dinner and her gift to me is making desert, so it works for me.

 
At 11:37 AM, Blogger Kyle said...

Yeah, we long ago gave up on "going out" for Valentine's Day. To bust too crowded. I think this year we're inviting our friends over to come play Rock Band 2.

 
At 5:06 PM, Blogger Darlithia said...

Well...there's a day for you guys too, it's on March 14th. It's called "Steak and BJ Day", you might wanna look that one up. ;)

 
At 1:54 PM, Blogger Estrid said...

I hate flowers. I hate jewelry. (Well okay I like the stainless steel horseshoes adorning my septum and lip. Not quite the same.) I hate romantic comedies. (Much prefer horror, action, sci-fi, and anime.)

Cards...wtf seriously? I'm supposed to be grateful for these? I feel guilty throwing them away but after I read them I promptly perceive them as trash. This isn't okay! Why would you do this to anyone?

My Valentines plans are comprised of: it's Saturday, my day off. I'm going to strip the paint off my nids with brake fluid, piece together my carnifex, look for wings for my hive tyrant that look more akin the type they have on forge world (ugh balrog wings please... no), play some XI with my SO.

To be fair my guy gifted me a couple of citadel paints I needed and a hummus bagel for Valentines. Rock! In exchange I will see to it he's paid back in kind. Or better. ;3

Ya'll just need better women. Or to be grateful you don't have to put up with the alternative. >_>

 
At 4:59 PM, Blogger Lokkin Achitame said...

I was all alone for valentines day.

Oh yeah, minus the epic gaming day with mates.

Cheap food, xbox and pokemon ftw

 
At 5:49 PM, Blogger Chrysalis said...

yep. these guys need better women. and btw... gold and diamonds make me sad... waaaaaaaaaaaay overrated, just like JAFO i'm sure. >.>

 
At 1:08 PM, Blogger Magical Meerkat said...

I'd be all for Steak and BJ day if my husband and I didn't both agree Valentine's day is too commercialized and protest by not getting each other gifts or cards, so that was pretty much what he got for V-day anyway...

 
At 5:03 PM, Blogger Dyamalos said...

The only girl I've ever found that was a gamer was a full blown butch lesbian.

Any of the other girls I've met usualy seem to find it weird that I play games.

Sigh..... Singles Awareness Day.... woo...

Oh, and I'm so glad I wasn't the only one to call it that... Although... I've never met anyone who does...

 
At 8:32 AM, Blogger MinorAgentofChaos said...

Why exactly do women think it's okay to not get anything for a guy on Valentine's Day?

AMEN, Dave, AMEN!

Me & my husband have been boycotting this stupid holiday as long as we've been together -- we don't need one special day to prove we love each other.

er...though I admit that I did sort of surprise him this Valentine's Day by gifting his game toon with most of the game-cash needed for his upgraded flying mount. Now THAT'S true love. :)

no, no, i didn't buy the gold; it was legitimately quest- & monster- grinded. yeesh.

 
At 11:04 AM, Blogger RamblingDreamer said...

Dyamalos: We're out there. Honest. Gamer guys rock. :)

(And I'm not even a butch lesbian.)

 
At 3:31 PM, Blogger Tatsuko said...

You men that stress over Valentine's Day set yourselves up to fail.

Set the bar reallllllly low when you first start dating. If you go out and buy a bunch of flowers, candy, etc for the first one - you have to top it the next year. That is a losing battle! Cook your other half dinner and actually dress up in a clean shirt! Score - you win points for "pampering" - and "respecting her needs".

So, if you can't cook - do what women have done for generations - order take out - pour it out onto pretty little plates - hide the take out boxes - and pretend you cooked! Ya ya - we do it - we just don't tell you we do it! Heh heh!

Now if you have already blown it and you are stuck in the "shop for me you ??? cycle" - then here are a few cool tips of "creative gifts" - dinner out, theater tickets, concert tickets, lunch/dinner cruise (if you live near water), bed & breakfast over night, live music at a club, art/music festivals, comedy club, or the like.

Never EVER buy her clothes (cuz most guys suck donkey balls at buying women clothes). Perfume is cool - but it shouldn't be so cheap it smells like bug spray!

Happy Shopping!

 
At 9:47 PM, Blogger AncientLore said...

Valentine's Day was something I looked forward to...Flowers, the candy(not the cheap stuff), dinner at a very nice place...sex never entered the conversation. I treated the woman like a princess and I was "rewarded" for my efforts. I am single now, tried that (along with no mention of sex) and the woman looked at me like I was a Galka in a subligar. It's seemingly no longer about romance...more like $$$. I think being single is more of a gift than a curse. Valentine's Day is now a regular day...cheaper too.

 

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