I Warned YouYou know what? Valentine's Day is bullshit.
The entire day is pitted against men. It's like some group of man-haters devised a holiday intended solely to piss guys off.
Oh, hey... You had something romantic planned, huh?
Good luck living up to the bullshit romantic standards that have been set for you.
If you don't have a 3 carat diamond ring being delivered by a dove while the first song you ever heard together is played by an orchestra, you're pretty much screwed.
Every one of those damned romantic comedies that your girl loves so much have pretty much set you up to completely fail any attempt at romance.
Unless you're a tortured, mysterious soul (who may or may not be a vampire) that sweeps her off her feet while AT NO POINT even suggesting sex, you are pretty much out of luck.
That's it. Game over.
Thanks for playing.
Basically, if you're a guy in a relationship, February 14th is going to be a giant kick in the balls from the universe.
And lord forbid you're single.
Then the entire day becomes "Here's a bajillion reminders that no one loves you" Day.
Admittedly, they don't make cards for that.
Then again, who'd buy you one?
People jokingly call it Singles Awareness Day. They say it with an ironic smile and laugh a little too much.
Then, they go home and cry themselves to sleep.
It's not like you weren't single yesterday or that there's even anything wrong with being single.
If that's how you roll, then cool.
But then the whole world decided to dedicate one whole day to pointing out that if you don't have someone to cling on to, then your life is empty.
Yeah... Thanks, guys.
If it wasn't bad enough that you're single, suddenly society makes you out to be some form of freak.
Maybe you like being single.
Maybe you're waiting for the right person to come along.
Maybe you're busy leveling up your ranger.
Do you really need to be ridiculed for that fact?
Of course you do.
Hallmark says so.
So, now you're stuck shopping for a gift that has to sum up your feelings for your significant other. You need to find something that conveys your deep, undying love for her and how she makes every breath you take worth taking.
Or anything gold.
Speaking of gifts... Why exactly do women think it's okay to not get anything for a guy on Valentine's Day?
The day is supposed to be about love. That sort of suggests it's intended for two people.
No, that thing you do when you're by yourself does not count as love.
Since the holiday is intended to be shared between two people, shouldn't you both get gifts?
Yeah, yeah. You can say it's a chick holiday all you want.
If you don't want to be celebrating Singles Awareness Day next year, make with the damned presents already.
The craziest part is that women think it's okay to not get anything for a guy because it's just presumed she's going to put out.
Don't look at me like that. It's a rule.
Now, you may ask why that's crazy. It seems like a pretty sweet deal for the guy.
And it would be... Unless something goes wrong on Valentine's Day.
Oops, you got her the wrong gift or you took her to the wrong restaurant.
Or you hit on the waitress.
Suddenly, that rule goes right out the window.
Can you imagine if a guy tried that?
Guy>> Honey, I got you something.
Girl>> What is it?
Guy>> I don't know.
Guy>> Let's see how good a lay you are first.
He'd be picking up his teeth until March.
If sex is an acceptable Valentine's gift, then why the hell do us guys have to buy stuff in the first place?
We're there too, you know.
Isn't it kind of a communal gift at that point?
I mean you're giving it to her, too.
Wait... That didn't come out right.