Bannable Offenses

This Was A Triumph...

Okay, how many of you thought I was dead?

Be honest.

As many of you probably figured out, the fact that I was at a bachelor party last weekend (yes, there were boobs involved) meant that I was at a wedding this weekend.

I use the word "wedding" loosely. It was actually more of a four day drinking extravaganza.

Day 1 - Thursday

Rehearsal Party

See, this is when you get everyone involved in the wedding and go through the whole ceremony just to make sure that no one screws up.

One bridesmaid walked too fast. I thought they were going to shoot the bitch in the back of the skull.

This entire process took roughly thirty minutes. We were all then invited over to the groom's parents house for a barbecue.

Barbecue is a much broader term than I once thought. I always thought barbecue meant "cook food on a barbecue". Apparently, it also means "drink excessively and occasionally get handed a half-cooked burger."

I drank my body weight in Red Bulls and Jack Daniel's.

I did not grow wings. I did however tell a bridesmaid that her ass was so huge that it was frightening the children.

Then one of the groomsmen mixed me a drink that tasted suspiciously like paint thinner.

A good time was had.


Day 2 - Friday

Set Everything Up

Weddings are funny. You spend months and months and months planning shit and then you end up doing damn near everything in the 24 hours before the actual wedding.

Do you hire people to do all of this work for you? Of course not.

You ask your friends to help you.

Yay.

Do you know what's more fun than setting up for a wedding?

Pretty much anything.

Luckily, the groom has to leave before it gets too late. He's not supposed to see the bride on the actual day of the wedding.

This means that all the men get to leave and go drink.

Which we did.

A lot.

We also played some poker. Five of us got together and played some hold em.

Four of us weren't retarded.

I drank a lot.


Day 3 - Saturday

The Actual Wedding

Do you know what you do before a wedding?

If you're a woman, you get up, get your hair done, get your make up done, get your nails done, get pictures done, etc.

If you're a man, you put on a tux. You may or may not drink.

Except remove the may not part.

I spent most of Saturday morning wearing a tux and eating pizza while we waited for our party bus to arrive.

When the ceremony was over, we ended up on the party bus and someone broke out the champagne.

This is when things started to get blurry.

I do have one very clear memory of the huge television screen playing loud music while very naked women danced around.

I also have a very clear memory of the bridesmaid that thought it would be fun to bring her son on the bus.

You can guess how that turned out.

After that was the reception. Wedding receptions are great because random people will just come by and offer to buy you drinks.

I would come by and offer to drink them.

That's when my memory starts to skip a bit.


Day 4 - Sunday

The Day After

Hey, it's all over, right?

No?

No.

Now we have to get together and watch the bride open all the gifts and try and look happy every time she opens a box with a stupid statue or picture in it.

Do you know the only thing more boring than opening a bunch of gifts that you're probably never going to want?

Watching someone else open a bunch of gifts.

Then someone said barbecue.


Day 5 - Monday

And here we are. I'm pretty sure my liver is dead.

Eh, he was holding me back anyway.

Looking back on it, it was a hell of a weekend. At least... What I can remember of it.

Weddings are awesome.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 6:06 PM