The [GM]Dave Lifetime Stupidity AwardA little over a week from now, a new Star Wars film will be released in theaters. The new film will be done entirely in CGI and will take place between episodes II and III.
This is a brilliant idea.
Do you know what hardcore fans love?
When you totally experiment and mess around with their beloved classic.
Did we learn nothing from Episodes I through III? Have we been too subtle with our criticism?
Like Episode I... What the hell was that?
Maybe the huge Star Wars fan base would enjoy it if we completely destroyed everything they held dear.
No? They didn't like that?
That's okay. We've got two movies left.
Episode II. This episode is best known for making greater use of the two most important robots in Star Wars history.
Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman.
Let's take the deep and compelling love story between Darth Vader and his wife and turn it into a bad episode of Dawson's Creek.
The fans will have to lov... No?
It's cool, though. We've still got one movie left.
Episode III. The original title of this episode was supposed to be Episode III: Oh crap, we've got to tie this shit together somehow.
Still, it has a dark ending. The fans will have to like...
Now, what can we do to fix this problem? We could go ahead and make episodes 7 through 9 like we always promised.
No, no. George doesn't want to do that so he can focus on other projects.
George, I think it's time to let that go. Star Wars is your project.
Star Wars is your only project.
We're not all waiting for Tiger Woods to stop golfing so he can start an acting career or some shit.
He golfs. That's cool with us.
Just make more Star Wars movies, George.
Oh hey, instead of making episodes 7 thoruh 9 and maybe, possibly resurrecting the franchise that you so thoroughly drove into the ground, let's make Episode 2.5.
And let's make that motherf--ker all CGI.
Who doesn't love CGI?
Inside sources have told me that they are working on a game related to the movie. In the game, you will be able to actually go back in time and physically rape your younger self.
Probably on Hoth.
The game will be released on the Wii, PS3, and the Dreamcast.
Why no Xbox360?
Screw you. That's why.
Lucasfilm didn't get where they are today by listening to popular opinion, logic, or anyone with a single grain of sense left in their brain.
Honestly, I think the entire operation has boiled down to a drinking game called "let's see how bad a movie we can make and still rake in a bajillion dollars."
And thus, for their unending, tireless work to decimate one of the most loved film franchises in history, I hereby give the [GM]Dave Lifetime Stupidity Award to the makers of Star Wars.
Die in a fire.