Wednesday, August 06, 2008

The [GM]Dave Lifetime Stupidity Award

A little over a week from now, a new Star Wars film will be released in theaters. The new film will be done entirely in CGI and will take place between episodes II and III.

This is a brilliant idea.

Do you know what hardcore fans love?

When you totally experiment and mess around with their beloved classic.

Did we learn nothing from Episodes I through III? Have we been too subtle with our criticism?

Like Episode I... What the hell was that?

Maybe the huge Star Wars fan base would enjoy it if we completely destroyed everything they held dear.

No? They didn't like that?

That's okay. We've got two movies left.

Episode II. This episode is best known for making greater use of the two most important robots in Star Wars history.

Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman.

Let's take the deep and compelling love story between Darth Vader and his wife and turn it into a bad episode of Dawson's Creek.

The fans will have to lov... No?

Really?

Damn.

It's cool, though. We've still got one movie left.

Episode III. The original title of this episode was supposed to be Episode III: Oh crap, we've got to tie this shit together somehow.

Still, it has a dark ending. The fans will have to like...

Dammit.

Now, what can we do to fix this problem? We could go ahead and make episodes 7 through 9 like we always promised.

No, no. George doesn't want to do that so he can focus on other projects.

George, I think it's time to let that go. Star Wars is your project.

Star Wars is your only project.

That's okay.

We're not all waiting for Tiger Woods to stop golfing so he can start an acting career or some shit.

He golfs. That's cool with us.

Just make more Star Wars movies, George.

Oh hey, instead of making episodes 7 thoruh 9 and maybe, possibly resurrecting the franchise that you so thoroughly drove into the ground, let's make Episode 2.5.

And let's make that motherf--ker all CGI.

Who doesn't love CGI?

Inside sources have told me that they are working on a game related to the movie. In the game, you will be able to actually go back in time and physically rape your younger self.

Probably on Hoth.

The game will be released on the Wii, PS3, and the Dreamcast.

Why no Xbox360?

Screw you. That's why.

Lucasfilm didn't get where they are today by listening to popular opinion, logic, or anyone with a single grain of sense left in their brain.

Honestly, I think the entire operation has boiled down to a drinking game called "let's see how bad a movie we can make and still rake in a bajillion dollars."

And thus, for their unending, tireless work to decimate one of the most loved film franchises in history, I hereby give the [GM]Dave Lifetime Stupidity Award to the makers of Star Wars.

Die in a fire.

30 Comments:

At 9:03 PM, Blogger The Respiratory Terrorist said...

Sho' nuff. I'm a die-hard starwars fan who dies a little every time a new movie is released.

 
At 9:19 PM, Blogger JAFO said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 9:20 PM, Blogger JAFO said...

The very least they could have done in episodes I thru III is gank Jar Jar. I know that I am not alone in the desire to see that annoying sack of shame raped in the face with a lightsaber...to make George happy, they could make the scene CGI. And maybe use walky talkies instead of an actual lightsaber.
And I personally feel let down in the fact that they took the biggest bad guy in sci-fi history, and made him a closet case self loather angsty teen.
My whole image of Vader was blown with this, because now, everytime I see IV thru VI, all I can picture is that mouth breather (quite literal in this sense) wearing lipstick and masturbating in a closet weeping about all the seething hatred he had for his father figure Obi Wan. Basically, they turned Vader into an Emo with Asthma. Great job Georgie.
Maybe you and Spielberg can get together and play "will it fit" with your egos. First one with a blown out "O" ring loses.

 
At 9:26 PM, Blogger Atomic Skull said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 9:30 PM, Blogger Atomic Skull said...

Lets not forget General Grevious and his toon skulk and Boris Badinov accent. What should have been a frightening character was instead depicted as a laughable cartoon villain.

 
At 12:57 AM, Blogger L.C.W. said...

and the Dreamcast.

OMG, dreamcast ftw.

George Lucas is fatter than I am, yay mediocrity!

 
At 5:54 AM, Blogger ShadowCaster said...

sup Dave,

Star Wars...

First, I'm not really a fan, but the "Middle" movies, Ie: Iv, V, and VI, were ok movies. Sure, you can kinda tell it picked up in the middle, but meh, I can over look that... somewhat.....

The "First" movies: Ie: I, II, and III... I think i'd rather someone light my face on fire and put me out with a pitchfork.... They sucked, they were garbage... and i'm now out 24 bucks to go to the movies 3 times hoping that the "next" one would somehow make up for my considerable waste of time on the previous.

Now that GL is making another "movie" in that series from total CGI.. and to top it off, right smack dab in the middle of a clusterf**k of a partial series anyway.... the only thing I can say is: /megafail

George: either finish the series with some nice movies - or go play in traffic.

ps: while you're at it, send me my 24 bucks back..... prick.

 
At 5:58 AM, Blogger Richard said...

Honestly, I think the entire operation has boiled down to a drinking game called "let's see how bad a movie we can make and still rake in a bajillion dollars."

You'd be good at that, Dave.

 
At 6:04 AM, Blogger Aspen said...

[GM]Dave..

We don't even get to see George Lucas fed to Jormy? I think that would be the least you could do for us after Episodes I - III.

Oh wait, he probably plays WoW. Never mind...

 
At 6:47 AM, Blogger MinorAgentofChaos said...

Was I the only one who loved the Clone Wars shorts on Cartoon Network, then? I was under the impression that the same crew that did those were doing the new CGI film.

Those shorts were what eps 1-11 SHOULD have been.

 
At 6:57 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

Yeah, from my understanding, the Clone Wars cartoon was actually pretty popular (never watched 'em myself). Besides, look at it this way: Could they REALLY make anything worse than episodes 1-3? I doubt it. I'm not saying it's impossible (this IS Hollywood we're talking about, after all), but not very bloody likely.

 
At 8:08 AM, Blogger Fulluphigh said...

Has anyone here actually watched the trailer? It's looking way way waaaay better the episodes 1-3 were.

I mean, if anything, the animaters will do a far better job then fucking Hayden Christensen ever did.

And as the last commenter mentioned, the Clone Wars animated series was amazing. Really pretty animation and better-then-the-movies acting.

So, I'm not saying this movie will be good, but there is hope.

 
At 8:13 AM, Blogger Shinji said...

Could they REALLY make anything worst then episodes 1-3 you ask?...Let Uwe Bole get his hands on it...

 
At 8:33 AM, Blogger GTRacer said...

I'm glad I'm not the only person who is looking forward to this new SW flick! I saw EpIV in theatres the year it came out. I saw the rest when they came out. And then again and again...

I really love SW and credit it (and Tron) for leading me down the computer/sciency path I've made my life from.

Yes, young Ani stank. And teen Ani wasn't much better. But I thought overall III was pretty well done. Being a husband and father I can see how the death of Anakin's wife could be used by someone like Palpatine to warp him into what he became.

And why all this hate on animation? At least this CGI isn't pretending to be something it isn't. And besides, what if Pixar were doing it? Can anyone here honestly say that wouldn't cause a few Force ripples of the geekgasm kind?

 
At 8:39 AM, Blogger MinorAgentofChaos said...

Being a husband and father I can see how the death of Anakin's wife could be used by someone like Palpatine to warp him into what he became.

Um...gtracer...Padme wasn't dead when Palpatine warped Ani. Far from it. Anakin crossed to the Dark Side for the mother of all Stupid Reasons: because he feared she might die in childbirth.

Think about that stupidity for a minute, in terms of a culture so medically advanced they can graft a living metal arm onto Anakin's stump. And he's worried about a possible (not even actual) *CHILDBIRTH*?

Like dude, use a frakkin' condom and get over it.

 
At 1:53 PM, Blogger JAFO said...

Midichlorians.
That is all that needs be said.
Divine conception of human being through bacterial infection caused by midichlorians.
Basically, Ani was a yeast infection that developed sentience.

 
At 3:25 PM, Blogger Leut said...

I hear in episode 2.5 the emporer will dress up in a ballerina outfit and have sex with nerf herder while listening to Jaba the Hut singing his own rendition of "It's Raining Men".

That alone is worth the admission price and you all know it.

 
At 4:37 PM, Blogger Atomic Skull said...

GL made the biggest mistake you can possibly make in a fantasy film (and yes SW *is* a fantasy film)

He tried to explain something that shouldn't be explained. The Force should just be "there" no explanation needed. If you try to explain it it ruins the whole thing.

Of course it didn't help things that the "explanation" was also incredibly stupid.

 
At 4:39 PM, Blogger Atomic Skull said...

Considering what an unlikable annoying twat he is (and I mean the actor *and* the character) I can believe he started off as a yeast infection.

 
At 4:49 PM, Blogger Atomic Skull said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 4:51 PM, Blogger Atomic Skull said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAGMQQefj38&

 
At 1:54 AM, Blogger Fiye said...

The last comment is not a rickroll.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFQv_AJLAeQ

Another awesome spoof.

 
At 3:57 PM, Blogger Atomic Skull said...

Best. Spoof. Evar.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmbcPOeMZkc

 
At 7:06 PM, Blogger Turbohampster said...

Atomic Skull posted nothing but useless stupidity. none of those "videos" were worth anything, from the POV of a lifelong Star Wars fan/GL/StevenSpielberg critic, these videos were just teenage trashtalk. It's one thing to trash talk GL & SS for being hacks pandering to the masses, but posting stupid videos that attempt to make fun of Star Wars and are literally, imo, full of fail, marks nothing but a lack of understanding.

Slightly off subject, but yet on subject, if you've ever had to experience anything CLOSE to childbirth, the rage that Ani showed towards the death of his mother, while uncivilized and over the top, is in a way understandable. Remember, before the 20th Century Western viewpoint of ALL life being sacrosanct came in to being, most cultures around the world in ANY time period viewed human life as something that could be given & taken in a heartbeat. In other words, wah wah, your mom died, STFU and deal with it. Which is what I imagine these "videos" are implying, but they really seem to be whining collections of stupidity. At least that's my take on things.


And after 3+ years of reading on/off, GM Dave still makes me crack up.

GM Dave FTW.

 
At 3:54 PM, Blogger Atomic Skull said...

Looks like I struck a nerve.

 
At 8:39 AM, Blogger GTRacer said...

@MinorAgent

Whoops, missed a word: Being a husband and father I can see how the *foreseen* death of Anakin's wife could be used by someone like Palpatine to warp him into what he became.

C'mon, the whole seduction to the Dark Side for Ani was driven by his fear of that dream/vision/premonition/bad burrito coming true, and his willingness to do anything to prevent it.

And I may have missed something, but what good would a condom have done if she was already preggers? Or did you mean for Ani to put it over his own head and suffocate?

Maybe I'm alone on this, but there was some good in Eps I-III. Yes there was a *lot* of bad too, but I personally enjoyed seeing how Palpatine maneuvered several events around so that he wound up with an army and a (mostly) Jedi-free Empire to use it on.

 
At 7:34 PM, Blogger Loon said...

Um...
Ever heard of abortion, annie?

 
At 6:12 PM, Blogger Dealer Man said...

The ORIGINAL Clone Wars saga was amazing. It included a scene that was one of the key points of Anakin's conversion from the Light to the Dark Side.

Anakin just pounded a foe through a rock overhang and stood there with a red light saber in his hand and a blood red moon in the sky over him. Better than GL could ever do on his own.

That is something that I just can't see appearing in the knock-off saga after viewing the trailers.

Lucas would be smart to let the fans make the next movies, but then he would be shamed by how bad he sucks in comparison.

 
At 5:33 AM, Blogger tyranastrasz said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 5:33 AM, Blogger tyranastrasz said...

And then five years in the future, Disney bought Lucasfilm, making this post even more appropriate.

Let's see how THIS goes.

 

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