Saturday, March 28, 2009

Hypocrisy

Susan is not your typical woman.

She's MY typical woman.

I really hope you laughed at that. I'm probably going to get punched in the groin for saying it.

Now, while she's not a typical woman, she does do a lot of typically woman things.

Note: for the purpose's of our discussion, I will be referring to several activities as being "woman things". This is not an insult to women, but instead only relates to certain accepted preferences displayed by women. It is not intended to be offensive to strong, independent women.

So, you chicks calm down.

She watches chick flicks. Romantic comedies, romantic dramas, romantic tragedies...

Pretty much anything starring Julia Roberts.

And lacking in even remotely feasible plot.

I don't get it.

She reads romance novels.

I don't know who Nora Roberts is, but she puts out a new book every two weeks or something. I'm pretty certain she has a family trapped in her basement and she forces them to write novels about princes and firemen.

Susan reads them all the time.

I don't get it.

She watches "reality" television shows about babies and and people having babies and people with babies.

And people with A LOT of babies.

I don't get it.

But among the many stereotypically female things my wife enjoys, there is one that dwarfs all others...

Shoes.

If Susan has any obsession (other than playing FFXI), it would be shoes.

She has so many pairs of shoes. So very, very many.

Do you know how many pairs I have?

Two.

And one of them is the black pair in the back of my closet that I only wear to weddings or funerals.

To me, shoes are those things that keep me from standing barefoot on rocks or pavement. They're simply a layer of rubber between me and the ground.

To Susan... To Susan, shoes are works of art. Each one has it's own tiny and oh so important differences.

She has seven pairs of black shoes.

They all look identical.

Should you ever mistakenly mention how they all look identical, she will explain how very different they are and how very retarded you are.

And, no matter how many pairs of shoes she has, she is always looking for more.

I DON'T GET IT.

I really don't. This isn't some sort of stand-up comedy routine. I'm lost here.

They're just shoes.

So today, Susan and I were shopping...

Shopping is a general term here.

Basically, "shopping" can be defined as "Susan dragging me through a mall and stopping to look in every damned store".

Even the ones that don't sell video games.

Can you imagine?

Apparently, there are stores that don't sell video games.

I never really noticed.

And do you know what store we completely skipped over?

The lingerie shop.

The one clothing store I might actually enjoy going into and we skip it.

Do you know what we didn't skip?

The shoes.

Walls and walls and walls of shoes.

All of them exactly the same.

We're stood in the FIFTH shoe store of the day. Susan was trying on yet another pair of black shoes when I finally snapped.

[GM]Dave>> No.
[GM]Dave>> NONONO.
[GM]Dave>> No more shoes.
Susan>> What do you mean?
[GM]Dave>> If I have to look at another shoe...
[GM]Dave>> I am going to kick someone in the face.
[GM]Dave>> With my shoe.
Susan>> Oh, calm down.
Susan>> This is like the second store...
[GM]Dave>> FIVE.
[GM]Dave>> This is number FIVE.
[GM]Dave>> There will not be a number six.
Susan>> This is important.
Susan>> I need new shoes.
[GM]Dave>> WHY?
[GM]Dave>> Explain to me why you need more shoes.
[GM]Dave>> More BLACK shoes.
Susan>> Well...
Susan>> I need a nice pair for work.
[GM]Dave>> You have SEVENTEEN pairs of black shoes.
[GM]Dave>> SEVENTEEN!
Susan>> Oh, but see those are different.
Susan>> See, this is a medium heel with...
[GM]Dave>> NO!
[GM]Dave>> I will not listen to your crazy voodoo words.
[GM]Dave>> THEY.
[GM]Dave>> ARE.
[GM]Dave>> SHOES.
Susan>> It's different.
Susan>> They're all different.
[GM]Dave>> NOT.
[GM]Dave>> REALLY NOT.
Susan>> You just don't get it.
[GM]Dave>> You know... I really don't.
[GM]Dave>> I really, really don't.
Susan>> ...
Susan>> Let me ask you a question...
Susan>> How many sets of gear do you have for your Dragoon?
[GM]Dave>> Well, I have a TP set, a soloing set...
[GM]Dave>> And a weaponskill set.
[GM]Dave>> Actually, it really depends on which weaponskill.
[GM]Dave>> Each one requires slightly different...
[GM]Dave>> Oh.

Huh.

It's not women that are crazy.

We're ALL crazy.

Apparently, I can learn new things.

Despite what Susan would tell you.

Then again, I doubt any of her shoes gives her a +6 to accuracy and +3% to haste.

I'm pretty sure they don't.

She does have a lot of shoes, though...

21 Comments:

At 9:08 PM, Blogger Orion said...

oh the joys of having an OCD complex over something... good luck. Just don't be building her a shoe rack next.

 
At 9:18 PM, Blogger Daniel said...

I have 3 pairs of shoes in RL... white shoes, black shoes, and crappy shoes for yard work.

However, my FFXI toon has... Well, a shit load.

We really ARE crazy.

 
At 9:30 PM, Blogger Lordshadow said...

Homam Stilettos?

 
At 10:22 PM, Blogger Plight said...

If you have any of the newer cell phones (smart phones I think they're called?) there is a cure for this. Look into VNC; for an extra $3 I now have access to FFXI on my iPhone- shopping isn't half as bad while you could be crafting or checking the AH.

 
At 10:32 PM, Blogger Kensei said...

Silly Dave, they may not do much for accuracy, but I'm sure good sneakers at least would give a little haste bonus and I have a nice pair of steel toed boots that give a rather epic bonus to kick damage.

 
At 10:37 PM, Blogger T.Z said...

I'm female and I don't understand the shoe obsession...

 
At 10:58 PM, Blogger jules said...

same I,m female and have 3 pair of shoes.
work
everyday and going out.
maybe its time to start a group. 'women who don't get the shoe thing'

 
At 11:12 PM, Blogger Cleopatra[The First and The Last] said...

My mom has a lot of shoes too.

This was her reason.

"Because i can't look pretty anywhere else, i want to look pretty with my feet and shoes."

Really.

There are more brand of shoes and types of heels, shoes, leather, suede, whatever material, than they have make-up.

Or nuclear bombs.

Damn.

 
At 12:18 AM, Blogger Kil-ye said...

I totally picked up a perfect pair of shoes today for Senior Ball!

I feel wonderful :]
Yay, shoes.

Have more in FFXI I think though...

 
At 1:00 AM, Blogger L.A. said...

I have three pairs of shoes.

I have steel toe boots for winter/snow or doing anything outdoorsy.

I have a pair of black K-Swiss tennis shoes for everything else.
That's only 2 pair, what's the third, you ask? An extra pair of the same exact black tennis shoes because they were buy 1 get the 2nd half off. Once my old pair wore out (this fall) I switched to my new pair.

I do plan on buying a pair of black combat boots, but that's completely for a separate reason.

 
At 1:58 AM, Blogger Jaszon said...

I have 3 pairs, my semi-nice ones i wear twice a year, my old trainer's i wear when I'm going out drinking cus I don't care if they get totaled and my walking boots which i wear 99% of the time.

 
At 6:27 AM, Blogger Jess said...

You know you're a gamer over a shopper kinda girl when you have more shoes in your video games than in reality lol ^^

At least it wont hurt if I wear heels in my video games.

 
At 6:53 AM, Blogger Maki said...

I noticed you mentioned Nora Roberts, GM Dave let me tell you a little secret, Boys are to porn magazines as Girls are to romance novels, cept the novels go into greater detail and we can read them anywhere^^

As for shoes, I know one person that has over a 100 pairs x.x

 
At 9:39 AM, Blogger MinorAgentofChaos said...

What TZ and Jules said...

I'm female, and I don't get the shoe obsession either.

I admit to three pairs -- the "work" pair for the office (which doesn't allow sneakers), the sneakers for almost everything else, and a pair of suede boots for RenFaire.

The gaming comparison doesn't work; the items in games have specific functionality and different stats for different in-game situations. Shoes are shoes; differences in style don't make for differences in function and NO ONE NOTICES THE DAMN THINGS ANYWAY. Fail, Susan, really FAIL.

And Dave, think of romance novels as softcore porn. Really. Some of those things have more involved descriptions of getting it on than anything written by "Anonymous".

 
At 9:41 AM, Blogger Magical Meerkat said...

I have so many pairs of shoes, I'm waiting for a threatening letter from Imelda Marcos.

And I only ever wear 2 pairs regularly.

Does that stop me from wanting more? No!

It drives my husband batty. Though now, after reading this post, I believe I may ask him exactly gear sets HE has IG, between his nin and rng...

Sadly, I think my rdm only has two pairs of shoes, period.

I should work on that.

 
At 10:56 AM, Blogger gamergrrl said...

shoes are to most women what cure is to a whm...necessary. something fiercely sexy about a woman wearing a pair of boy shorts a smile and a killer pair of stilettos...just would not say the same thing if she was wearing a pair of keds. my rdm has 4 pair..but i think of lvling pup only for the af boots ...seriously.

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger Blueyez said...

I have the shoe problem but even I don't understand it. I'm far from the worst I've seen but I have probably about 10 pairs of black shoes. 5 pairs of black heels, 4 pairs of flats, 2 pairs of dress sandals, 2 pairs of running shoes... oh and flip flops too. Damn that's 14. Let's not even get started on boots either. Simple fact is I KNOW I have too many shoes but I'm still physically incapable of walking past a shoe store without looking.
My WAR sadly only has 2 pairs, relic and AF. I'm thinking about saving up for a new pair though since the bright red of my AF kind of clashes with my Osode...

 
At 2:13 AM, Blogger Chrishh said...

Hahaha, I feel for you Dave. My friend is just like susan in terms of shoes. But looking at the comments so far, i've noticed that most of them have 3 pairs of shoes.

Now thats funny because I happen to have 3 pairs of shoes.

1. For walking no further than 10ft outside my house.
2. If I can't find pair #1.
3. For going out in.

 
At 7:19 AM, Blogger RamblingDreamer said...

I don't really get the shoe thing, either. Or the window shopping thing (especially in a shoe store). I go into a shoe store when I (or someone in my family) need shoes. That's it. I might get a few pairs when I'm in there, but that's only when things are on sale and when I find a pair that I could use that are REALLY different than the ones I went in there for (such as a new pair of good, enclosed work shoes and a cute sandal (with a heel, maybe) since Spring is finally getting here). They're always very different, though - one might be a black pair of comfy flats, and another might be a more-stylish white heel for the office. The only reason I have as many shoes as I do is that sometimes I get them home and they hurt my feet, so I tend to not wear them. At the same time, I can't stand to throw out shoes that aren't falling apart, so they sit.

I'm with you, though, Dave. Seventeen pairs of black shoes is just kind of stupid.

Sorry. I'm tired and rambling. :(

 
At 9:41 AM, Blogger guario said...

i can deal with all the shoes my girfriend want to buy. i dont realy care if she buy it or not. that make me no harm (is her money anyway) but what i realy dont understand why she buy a shoe who are going to make her feet to hurt?

 
At 10:15 AM, Blogger Hunter said...

i will admit to owning an obscene amount of shoes for a guy. I own 3 pairs of sneakers (two black and one white...one of the black in an indoor only shoe for the gym).

I have four pairs of dress shoes of various comfort levels depending on the length and nature of the event.

And I also have 3 pairs of hiking boots. I don't know how I got 3 pairs of hiking boots, i don't even recall going hiking all that often.

I secretly suspect that some shoes reproduce with each other, which is why the numbers can creep up unsuspectingly.

 

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