Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Resident Offspring

Even though it's a little (read: a lot) out of character for me, I'm going to apologize.

Don't even start. I'm as surprised as you are.

I realize the update schedule has been a little off recently. I like to update at least every two days, but it's been three days a few times recently.

Do not panic. This is not a "I need to take a break" post.

It's not even a "This is a short hiatus" post which is immediately followed by six months of radio silence.

This is actually a "I've been slowly dying from the plague" post.

My doctor has been kind enough to inform me that I have a double ear infection.

For those of you keeping track, that's both of them.

This has made updating difficult as every now and then I have sudden balance problems which, when staring at a screen, quickly leads to nausea.

Actually, this has made pretty much everything difficult.

Peeing is especially interesting. Everything is fine and then I'm tracing an arc on the wall on my way toward the floor.

The spinning is fun. It's like bring drunk, but without any of the factors that make being drunk worthwhile.

Hey, I'm getting dizzy, but you're not getting any smarter.

Or more attractive.


Apparently, my doctor has no idea what could have caused this infection. He thinks it is either viral or bacterial.

An infection that is either viral or bacterial.

Thank you, Dr. House.

That basically describes 99% of all infections. He might as well have just thrown in fungal.

Hell, toss in magical.

Those damned witches.

What is his solution to this problem?


This is interesting as antibiotics only work on bacterial infections.

They don't do shit to viruses.

I don't know if they do anything to magical infections.

What I do know is that no matter what kind of infection you have, these antibiotics make you want to die.

Side effects include nausea, vomiting, and intense stomach cramps.

That's not really a great trade-off. Before I only had nausea, spinning, and some falling down.

That wasn't so bad.

Who the hell wouldn't take that over vomiting and cramps?

I guess he ran out of pills that caused rectal bleeding and death.

I say screw the damned pills. I'll lie on the floor and spin my ass off.

Now, my doctor says there are any number of ways to get an ear infection.

That's bullshit.

I know exactly how I got it.

She's the three foot tall germ factory I call my daughter.

She's like a bioweapons facility in Dora jammies.

My darling wife thought it would be a great idea to send her to a daycare. That way, she could spend time with other children and develop social skills.

Social skills... I never went to daycare and look how I turned out.

... Okay... Bad example.

I have no idea what type of social skills she's learning, but I do know that she comes into contact with more germs than a doctor in a free clinic.

She's always leaking.


It's like they're doing some strange virus research in that place.

Four guys from the Umbrella Corporation showed up yesterday and tried to take her away in a sealed bubble.

She killed three of them.

It was cute though. She couldn't even finish eating the first one.


Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can figure out how I got the infection, Doc.

It might have been that guy who sneezed on the copier at work.

Or it could be the tiny Typhoid Mary I spend half the time trying to keep from wiping snot all over me.

Oh yeah... I'll really have to put my thinking cap on for that one.


At 5:55 PM, Blogger kevkos said...

She is building up her immunities!


At 6:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

At first I thought you're going to talk about Resident Evil 5 that has just came out recently.
But man... that looks bad. I hope you get better soon Dave.

At 7:09 PM, Blogger Chirri said...

Yeah, so, I'd tell my doctor he needed to prescribe a DIFFERENT anti-biotic if I wound up suffering from all of those delightful side effects.

In fact, I did. When the antibiotic I was prescribed induced nausea and sharp stabbing pains in my gut within 3 hours of starting the things. I wound up in Urgent Care, and prescribed a more "modern" antibiotic that didn't remind me of 19th century drugs in funky brown glass bottles.

I'm told I used to have ear infections regularly as a child. The good news is, I hardly ever get sick anymore.

At 7:26 PM, Blogger Katherine said...

Poor thing. Cute but deadly. Cute but deadly. My theory is that children are cute so that we don't eat our young - also diseased for the same reason.

At 10:52 PM, Blogger Taylor-MadeAK said...

Reason #1 not to send your kid to daycare: this post.

Reason #2: Why would you want to pay good money to people who want to stick your kid in a room with other kids...and then ignore them? Oh, I know...at the really HIGH CLASS daycare facilities, they shake things up a little bit by sending all the kids OUTSIDE to be ignored every once in a while! This, people, is how little monsters are made.

Phooey on daycare. Raise your own kids, people.*

*Flamers: The above is NOT directed at single parents. However, if single parents were the only ones sending their children to daycare facilities every day, there would be a whole lot less of them - daycare institutions and little monsters, I mean.

At 11:07 PM, Blogger Alasia said...


Sometimes man, in this economy.. it's just not a possibility. In case you haven't noticed, for most families...BOTH parents have to work to be able to make ends meet.

[GM]Dave... my sympathies. My daughters are 14 and 16 .. The good news? They STILL bring home very virus or bacteria known to humankind.

At 11:23 PM, Blogger ArkieRN said...

I wouldn't rule out the anal leaking just yet. Many antibiotics can cause diarrhea after a few days treatment.

Just another ray of sunshine to brighten your day.

At 12:31 AM, Blogger Kenny said...

I feel for you. When I was younger, I used to get ear infections all the freaking time. If a winter went by and I didn't get at least three or four of them, something was wrong. I got some magical tubes put into my ears that caused them to go away for about 20 years.

Now I think I'm starting to get another ear infection...

At 1:31 AM, Blogger Pim said...

Sticking with the House analogy, if antibiotics don't work then it's probably a viral infection. The downside is you're probably going to have a seizure twice in the next few days.

On the upside: no having to deal with FFXI retards.

At 2:01 AM, Blogger Daniel said...

Its amyloidosis.

At 2:44 AM, Blogger Ulric said...

I recently had the same problem. Well you should not die from it but enjoy the long pain...

The best is when you begin to lose hearing capability.

But it can be fun sometimes. Especially when you're at work and don't want to do something. "What did you say ? I don't hear you, sorry".

But believe it or not... My boss know how to use a pencil and a paper. Damn.

At 3:09 AM, Blogger Shadowdancer said...

You need a shock collar that zaps you every time you hit the enter key :P

At 5:46 AM, Blogger Donny Walnuts said...

oh [GM]Dave... just be happy that at this point in her life, the only disease she's spreading is ear infections. Makes you look forward to her late teens doesn't it?

At 8:30 AM, Blogger Kyle said...

Earaches are really making a comeback. My wife had a TERRIBLE one a week ago. I think there must be an especially earache-causing cold strain. (which means viral)

Sorry man. Hey, maybe I'm wrong.

At 9:50 AM, Blogger Yotevol said...


Resident Evil Offspring.

His offspring that lives with him is evil for giving him this strain of the T-Virus.

@[GM] Dave
Good luck [GM] Dave.
Hopefully you don't get the pills that cause heart disease, liver problems and rectal seapage.


At 10:02 AM, Blogger Jess said...

Funny post, made my day :D

Sorry to hear of the ear infections, hope you get better soon *gives a chocolate bar*

Quote: "She's like a bioweapons facility in Dora jammies."

Brilliant xD lol

At 10:04 AM, Blogger Cleopatra[The First and The Last] said...

Don't send your child to daycare.

They become little monsters that don't want their mommies, but want their papa, which is actually another kid.

I'm a little monster, and fuckin' proud of it.

But i'm human, and you let that girl of yours grow in daycare, your entire family will be fucked upside down so bad you won't even know the difference from milk powder and drugs.

Well, not that you knew in the first place....

At 12:25 PM, Blogger Taylor-MadeAK said...


I understand what you're trying to say, and believe me I took it into consideration when writing my comment. But, to my way of thinking at least, your point about both parents needing to work to "make ends meet" fails on one pretty important point: daycare is freakin' EXPENSIVE.

Now, admittedly I can't speak for the situation in other states, but here in Anchorage (yes, Alaska) daycare facilities AVERAGE at $500 a week for their services. The average full-time worker's net pay is $2,000 a month. The math is pretty easy here: $2,000 pay minus $2,000 child care fees equals $0. This doesn't even take other expenses like maintaining a second vehicle in an economy where pay is down and costs are rising into consideration.

So what, exactly, is gained by having two full-time working parents and a child (or multiple children) in daycare?

This was exactly the line of thinking that my wife and I followed when making the decision to have one parent (me, because I made less anyhow) at home with our daughter - at least until she's old enough for school.

Yes, I understand that different families in different places and situations face different circumstances. But I also think that if people would take the time to consider things like how much of that second paycheck would go to pay for daycare that truly is very expensive, and even what kind of benefits there are to having a parent or other family member who cares about the child at home to raise them instead of a stranger with multiple children to look after in a daycare setting, the decision to stay home might not be so difficult.

And then we might have fewer grim incidents like this one, this one, or this one.

At 1:29 PM, Blogger Nickname unavailable said...

thanks for the laugh, my grandkids are like that, they leave and then im sick :)

At 2:57 PM, Blogger David said...

I think I'm going to rule out lupus on this one....

At 6:02 AM, Blogger Frederik-Jan said...

@Ulric: Or in the current day and age ... e-Mail.

At 7:33 PM, Blogger Wavrik said...

Thanks Dave for your update on...you. Get better...too many failures in Asura :P Tell your daughter to eat some Captain Crunch, every kid gets better from that stuff.

At 7:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have you played Resident Evil 5 yet? I'm asking because of the RE comment. It's really a great game.

At 7:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, I forgot to include the following:

I had a math teacher who had ear infections routinely at least once a year, so I know what it's like even though I haven't experienced it myself. He had it for two months, so hang in there, sometimes it can take awhile.

Hell, a double ear infection, you might not recover for a long time.

At 6:43 PM, Blogger Leut said...

Dave, place your forehead on the end of a bat. The other end of the bat rests on the floor. Now make 5 full rotation around the bat without lifting your forehead away.

Just make sure you have witnesses with cameras.


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