Thursday, March 19, 2009

Expansions Expanded

If you follow FFXI news (and why wouldn't you?), you may have heard that SE has announced three all new expansions chapters to the game.

And who might the main villains be in these expansions?

That's right. Tarutarus and Moogles.

Not the big, frightening Galkas.

Not the menacing, conceited Elvaans.

No.

The Tarus and the Moogles.

This is the most evil picture I could find.
Seriously.


Umm... What?

I like to think I'm a very open-minded person, but that shit don't make sense.

How scary could a Taru really be?

OH NO! He's casting a spell!

*STOMP*

Problem solved.

Have you ever seen the casting time for the big, bad Black Magic spells? It's like eighteen seconds.

And all you have to do is run out of range.

Hell, you could punt the little bastard out of range.

Very frightening.

And Moogles?

Moogles are the bitch race of Vana'diel and everyone knows it.

They clean our moghouses and take care of our equipment.

You know that subliger you've been wearing for three weeks straight while leveling in the sweaty jungle?

Yeah, you just hand that to your Moogle.

Sure, they ask you for a hat or a weapon every now and then, but that's just so they can make more room to hold your stuff for you.

Is the idea of an uprising supposed to scare me?

Help! Help! My butler is trying to kill me!

Bad Dobby!

Yeah, I'm not really that worried.

The first expansion is going to be called "A Crystalline Prophecy - Ode of Life Bestowing".

I don't know what that means either.

I think the original title was "A Crystalline Prophecy - Song of Not Being Dead Anymore".

Catchy.

Still, the title doesn't give too much away. You really don't know what you're going to get.

The next two expansions?

"A Moogle Kupo d'Etat - Evil in Small Doses" and "A Shantotto Ascension - The Legend Torn, Her Empire Born."

Those basically translate into "Moogles get mad for twenty minutes, but are busy planning the next egg event" and "that Taru that everyone hates loses her shit".

On a related note, I'm still waiting to hear back about my transfer to the expansion naming division.

Fingers crossed.

If that news wasn't big enough, my network of spies have revealed that other expansions are planned beyond those three.

"Pride of the Mithras - Wrath of the Furries"

The FFXI storyline continues in this expansion as the Mithra tribes rise up and pry the legions of perverts off their legs. Too long have these proud warriors been the object of obscene advances and not even remotely subtle sexual innuendo.

The fur is going to fly in Vana'diel.

Not like that. That's not what I meant.

You're sick.

"The Moogle Rebellion - Bitches No More"

A sequel to Kupo d'Etat, Moogles as a whole stand up and cast off the shackles of servitude.

Sort of.

Yeah, they'll still iron your Brigandine, but when they hang it up, they'll put a crease in there.

Oh, burn.

"An Iron Fist - The GMs Return"

Toiling behind the scenes, the GMs finally take the forefront and bring the fight to the peoples of Vana'diel. The expansion will include new game mechanics including getting incredibly irritating calls every three and a half minutes until you lose your mind or kill yourself.

How do you like it, bitches?

The first quest is trying to get a GM out from behind a table.

Then you have to talk to a fish botting NPC for fourteen hours until he finally responds.

In a foreign language.

Good freaking luck.

See what we've got in store for you? We're working very hard to make a great game even greater.

Okay, not me.

They never like my expansion ideas.

Yes, they all revolved around Elvaan and Hume females making out topless.

In heels.

And Jello.

They still haven't explained what the problem is.

No one listens to my ideas.

9 Comments:

At 8:06 PM, Blogger Donny Walnuts said...

They listen to your ideas... remember the serial keys?

 
At 9:56 PM, Blogger Linoth said...

Evil picture? I'll give ya an evil picture.

Some advertisements vaguely NSFW:
http://danbooru.donmai.us/post/show/417049

 
At 10:04 PM, Blogger Gambler_Justice said...

I completely lost it at:
"The first quest is trying to get a GM out from behind a table"

Good job, good job indeed.

 
At 5:51 AM, Blogger Zephyer said...

I think they are saving the Hume/Elvaan jello thing for the next Tokyo Game show. You know, to catch the eye.

"Hey dude, look those game chicks are topless!"
"I love Jello!"
"This game has to be great!"

And pow, your playing FFXI, stuck in Valkurm Dunes with a bunch of people whom you can't understand anyway, due to the mental illness of having been there too long... Wow... Now I know where crazy prospectors are from... And it's not Texas!

 
At 6:09 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

Sure, they ask you for a hat or a weapon every now and then, but that's just so they can make more room to hold your stuff for you.

Is the idea of an uprising supposed to scare me?

Help! Help! My butler is trying to kill me!

Bad Dobby!

Yeah, I'm not really that worried.


Dave, did you get to the end of Chamber of Secrets? He pretty much magically bitchslapped his own master. Dobby could kick ass if Rowling had ever let him.

...I apologize for my nerdiness.

 
At 4:42 PM, Blogger Aen said...

Toiling behind the scenes, the GMs finally take the forefront and bring the fight to the peoples of Vana'diel. The expansion will include new game mechanics including getting incredibly irritating calls every three and a half minutes until you lose your mind or kill yourself.

How do you like it, bitches?


My sides still hurt from the laughter!

 
At 6:41 PM, Blogger Leut said...

I was hoping for some new content that would entice me to play more. I've gotten so bored of the same old crap over and over I stopped playing for a while starting at the begining of the year.

And this is what we got....

....full of fail.

 
At 9:03 PM, Blogger MinorAgentofChaos said...

Help! Help! My butler is trying to kill me!

Considering how much butlers tend to know about their employers & the trust employers place in their butlers...you have any clue how much damage a butler could do if s/he puts their mind to it?

There's a reason why "The butler did it" is such a cliche in the mystery genre. ;)

 
At 6:59 AM, Blogger Kiwi said...

"When Moogles Attack"? Or "Revenge of the Ankle-biters"?

 

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