Monday, March 30, 2009

So Close

So, I'm reading the news this morning while I'm waiting for my first GM call of the day and theorizing on how to invent bacon flavored whisky.

I like to multitask.

The usual headlines fly by.

Which is the greatest bird?

Who did what with Bacon?

Which really stupid person suggested doing something really stupid even though they have no business even talking about a subject?

All the Reddit fans know what I'm talking about.

It's all very normal.

Then I see this.

And then I laughed.

Apparently, a man in China died trying to save his girlfriend from committing suicide.

Now, that might not sound funny.

She jumped off a seven story building.

Wait for it...

And he tried to catch her.

If this is not funny, then you don't understand physics.

Here is a guy standing on the ground thinking he's just got to get under her and catch her.

You know, just get those arms underneath her. Break her fall a little.

This is a great plan.

IF your girlfriend is committing suicide by jumping off the top of a Prius.

This was a seven story building.

By the time she reached the ground, she was probably traveling around 52 miles per hour.

If you ignore air resistance, that is.


I can do math.

So, here's the boyfriend, playing fielder, figuring all he has to do is catch her.

Then he sees his probably 55-ish kilogram girlfriend coming at him like a Buick on the freeway. She's coming straight at him.

And, more importantly, the ground.

What must have been going through his mind?

Just get under her.

Reach out my arms a little more.

I really wish I had paid more attention in Physics class.

I'm not trying to put the guy down, but he really didn't think this one through.

Yeah, by all means, go out there and look like a hero. Get under her, call off the other fielders, and put your arms out.

Then you just make sure you're three feet to the left.

Imagine it like bullfighting, except instead of moving a cape, you move your arms.

And instead of turning to attack you, the bull turns into a liquid.

That's what a smart person would do.

You just get your ass out of the way.

You're not the one who jumped off a building. You really don't have any responsibility at that point.

Sure, be a nice guy.

Go and get a mop.

Don't try and catch her.

I don't know if the true stupidity of the whole thing occurred to the guy when he decided to catch her.

I'm pretty sure it struck him in the end though.

Bah dump pssshhhh.

Do you know the funniest part of the whole story, though? Do you know the absolute kick in the pants irony of the situation?

She survived.

Yeah, she managed to turn her boyfriend into a fine paste and I'm pretty sure she didn't just get up and walk away.

Still... She lived.

On the bright side, the guy actually succeeded in saving her life. Wherever he is, he can rest easy in the knowledge that his final act was victorious.

On the dark side, that final act was monumentally stupid.

Now, he's dead and in six months, she'll be banging his best friend.

They won't even have him cleaned up by then.

Good job, hero.

I don't know about you, but if my significant other decided to jump off a seven story building, I really only have one thing to say...



At 7:42 PM, Blogger Psylex said...

You wouldn't try to sacrifice yourself if Susan fell off a seven-story building?

At 7:57 PM, Blogger golden_knyte said...

falling off and wanting to commit suicide are different. but lets go with what you said, now what good would that do?

scenerio 1: they both live and get counseling...Susan for wanting to throw herself off a 7 story building, Dave because his brain is located somewhere down in his ass, and the kid for trauma seeing daddy shit himself catching mommy.

scenerio 2: Susan lives, Dave dies. Assuming Susan had only slipped and fell and not intended to do it, I'm pretty sure she and the kid would be pretty messed up seeing daddy as a stain on the sidewalk.

scnerio 3: Dave lives, whether he moved or couldnt reach her in time, and Susan dies. Have fun paying the psychologist 150$ an hour getting the kid to get over seeing mommy a pile of human jelly.

scenerio 4: they both die...the kid goes to foster care and both Dave and Susan get a Darwin Award for mutual suicide.

no matter what, it dont work. its like saying "dying in your sleep is best way to go". no it aint! think about your loved ones. suddenly you just left them behind, no words, no "love you"s or "goodbye"s.

At 8:00 PM, Blogger AlphaMaelstrom said...

You know how they say love is blind?

Guess he couldn't see how far away she was.

At 8:10 PM, Blogger Yensil blogs again! said...

The real kicker is when she jumps off another seven story building because she feels guilty about killing her boyfriend.

At 8:16 PM, Blogger Aen said...

Now, he's dead and in six months, she'll be banging his best friend.

Either that, or finishing the job once she's released from the hospital, just to spite the poor schmuck's memory.


At 8:53 PM, Blogger RurouniZanza said...

I'm sure you don't care about the comments all that much... But you just lost some major points with that post.

At 9:11 PM, Blogger Triforcel said...

You are aware by now that Susan reads your blog and you're going to catch hell for saying you wouldn't catch her. Right?

At 2:14 AM, Blogger Scottayy said...

I'm pretty sure the last comment he made in that post was just a joke...

At 2:47 AM, Blogger Michael said...

I thought the most ironic thing about the article was saving a suicide victim. Sure, you saved her and she's alive, but in 8 months I bet she's back on that roof.

At 5:31 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

To be fair, people do very, very, VERY crazy/stupid/retarded things when they're in love. He probably didn't give two shits if he lived, he just felt that he had to save her. Like in some weird-ass romance movie. Come to think of it, I bet we'll be seeing a love/tragedy movie with this ending within a year or two.

At 5:42 AM, Blogger jasonx254 said...

Oooo...susan's gonna be MAD when she reads this...

At 6:17 AM, Blogger Cidolfas said...

Actually, I understand that it's quite rare for suicide attempts to happen more than once. Generally speaking you get to a very dark place in your life, but once you've tried you can't summon up the courage again. Thank God I've never had to go through such a situation but that's what I've read about it.

In any case... very dark humor even for you, Dave. That was pretty upsetting to read. 8-(

At 6:20 AM, Blogger Lissuh said...

You know, this reminds me of this time that one of my friends went back to China for an SAT class, and her class was on the 11th floor. One day the girl sitting next to her didn't show up to class, and when the teacher asked where she was, one of the other students answered that she had jumped off the fourth floor to try and commit suicide.

She lived, of course, because she landed in some bushes or something, and came to class the next day. On crutches. AND this particular building did not have an elevator.

According to my friend, the suicide rate among Chinese students is something like 21%.

At 6:23 AM, Blogger Zsolt said...

I don't really think that this story is funny. Sure the guy was trying to save a suicide victim but he was her boyfriend after all. I really like this blog but making fun of someones selfsacrifice out of love is a sad and emotionless thing to do not to mention to write about it.

At 7:10 AM, Blogger [GM]Dave said...

I actually do read the comments just so everyone knows.

Yes, I understand the whole self-sacrifice thing. I completely understand how someone would make that kind of choice.

Hell, he probably didn't even think before he did it.

That, however, doesn't necessarily mean I should respect his decision. Both people made really bad decisions and one of them paid the price for it.

What can I say? I have a dark sense of humor.

Would I try to catch Susan? Yes.

Then again, I never claimed I wasn't an idiot, too.

Love makes you do stupid things.

At 8:43 AM, Blogger Nummies said...

So? They were chinese

Probably Gil sellers.

At 9:22 AM, Blogger Daniel said...

Why are some people so upset over this post?
It is kind of funny.
Dave is an equal opportunity mocker. No one is safe from his wrath. Especially the crazy ones.

On another note, I don't know chinese law, but if it was in America, would she be charged with attempted suicide AND murder?

At 9:27 AM, Blogger Suraht said...

Why are some people so upset over this post?
It is kind of funny.
Dave is an equal opportunity mocker. No one is safe from his wrath. Especially the crazy ones.

On another note, I don't know chinese law, but if it was in America, would she be charged with attempted suicide AND murder?

Attempted suicide, sure. Murder, no. -Maybe- manslaughter, depending on how vicious the DA wanted to be.

At 9:36 AM, Blogger Stephen said...

this was the funniest shit I ever read... Good for the guy sacrificing himself to save his girlfriend.

but still the stupidity of the situation is hilarious... I say keep em comin' Dave.

and if Susan gives you /gave you hell for this post and not catching her from 7 stories, ask her why she'd jump from a 7 story building in the first place.

At 10:47 AM, Blogger Saifer said...


At 1:27 PM, Blogger Breese said...

I personally found this post very funny. Nothing wrong with a bit of the macabre.

At 7:38 PM, Blogger Charles said...

Way to promote racism there Nummies.

At 12:40 AM, Blogger Hydro said...

The guys name was funny enough for me... WANG!

At 1:25 AM, Blogger jules said...

so according to physics law.

She reached terminal velocity

Quite literally!

At 5:02 AM, Blogger JAFO said...

While I am sure that most readers feel strongly about certain topics, to go all critical about an blog written for entertainment purposes is about as useful as pissing on a sparkplug.
Andy Warhol made some of the darkest comedies in the history of the world. He was criticized, hell he was even shot dead due to some retards version of what was right and what was wrong.
He might have been a dark S.O.B., but that shit is still funny as all hell.
People, pull the stick out of your ass and learn to laugh. If that is too difficult, try a nice game of Whack-A-Mole at your local Glory-Hole. I hear it can be quite therapuetic.
Either that, or find a nice tall building and see who tries to catch your ass.
Not it.

At 7:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think we're missing the big picture here.

What about the REAL victim??!?!??

Altana help her next boyfriend. How in the hell is he supposed to compete with "my last boyfriend died saving my life."

Poor bastard!

At 8:58 AM, Blogger iTank said...

where have you been charles?

Don'y you know ALL Chinese are gil sellers?

duh. noob. :)

At 4:13 PM, Blogger Calendras said...

He DI'ed her. WoW Paladins know what I mean...

At 3:22 PM, Blogger Calamarth said...

I think the people who have commented here have looked at the matter in a "black and white manner."

There are several more things to consider.

1) Why did she attempt to commit suicide? This is not a decision that comes lightly; there must have been trouble in paradise. This was made even more clear by the fact that the article said they'd had an argument earlier on in the day, and that she had then threatened to commit suicide. This obviously shows the extreme tension there must have been between the two. Considering what she threatened to do, it's also relatively safe to assume that she was on the "receiving end" of his "wrath."

2) Point 1 makes it fairly clear that he most likely didn't care too much for her. At least not as we consider these things in western terms.

3) As a result, he most likely attempted to save her life in a reflex action, not out of love.

Considering these things, I really don't see any reason to think of this guy as a hero who died tragically. I see no problem in making a funny post about this, especially when it doesn't even touch the whole suicide-topic as it is. It's merely making fun of a retarded reflex action.

At 4:52 AM, Blogger JAFO said...

Honestly...think of this as Darwinism in action. She's an idiot. He was an idiot. A well meaning idiot, but an idiot nonetheless.
And as far as her committing suicide...yeah, right. People who are serious about it, do it right, and they do it privately. This brat had to make a spectacle of herself, "look at me, I'm so hurting...I think I'll pick the most painful way to die and make you all watch..."
Do something interesting at least.
Pick a cause and die for that, don't just hop off a building like a retard.
Shove a stick of dynamite up your ass and go hug a terrorist.
Not a big fan of people who commit or attempt to commit suicide. The rest of us have to deal with this shit, what makes you think you're so special as to not have to anymore? Oh, and give us one more freakin mess to clean up and a funeral to pay for. Ain't you a peach.
Maybe we should make crematoriums self service and 24 hours. Go in, inject yourself with something poisonous, climb on the conveyor belt and ride that puppy on to the furnace...maybe even charge for it.

At 12:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmmmmm, Darwinism.

You have a point, either way...

He dies -> they don't reproduce.

She dies -> they don't reproduce.

The world wins either way.

At 6:35 PM, Blogger Pawkeshup said...

So... let me get this straight...

They were a couple, she was his and he was hers. They loved each other and had a fight, and she then went to commit suicide.

Instead, she crushed her Wang.


And this is not hilarious because...?

At 3:18 AM, Blogger Rwn said...

you had better respond to these older ones...


ok now i may not be the smartest person in the world but last time i checked we used the imperial system here in the states... in fact i'm betting only like 10 people U.S. born even know the entire metric system...

up until now i was all for you being serious and shit... but uhm kilograms seriously throws me off when you are trying to pull off an American who is also a GM in FFXI


Post a Comment

<< Home