So CloseSo, I'm reading the news this morning while I'm waiting for my first GM call of the day and theorizing on how to invent bacon flavored whisky.
I like to multitask.
The usual headlines fly by.
Which is the greatest bird?
Who did what with Bacon?
Which really stupid person suggested doing something really stupid even though they have no business even talking about a subject?
All the Reddit fans know what I'm talking about.
It's all very normal.
Then I see this.
And then I laughed.
Apparently, a man in China died trying to save his girlfriend from committing suicide.
Now, that might not sound funny.
She jumped off a seven story building.
Wait for it...
And he tried to catch her.
If this is not funny, then you don't understand physics.
Here is a guy standing on the ground thinking he's just got to get under her and catch her.
You know, just get those arms underneath her. Break her fall a little.
This is a great plan.
IF your girlfriend is committing suicide by jumping off the top of a Prius.
This was a seven story building.
By the time she reached the ground, she was probably traveling around 52 miles per hour.
If you ignore air resistance, that is.
I can do math.
So, here's the boyfriend, playing fielder, figuring all he has to do is catch her.
Then he sees his probably 55-ish kilogram girlfriend coming at him like a Buick on the freeway. She's coming straight at him.
And, more importantly, the ground.
What must have been going through his mind?
Just get under her.
Reach out my arms a little more.
I really wish I had paid more attention in Physics class.
I'm not trying to put the guy down, but he really didn't think this one through.
Yeah, by all means, go out there and look like a hero. Get under her, call off the other fielders, and put your arms out.
Then you just make sure you're three feet to the left.
Imagine it like bullfighting, except instead of moving a cape, you move your arms.
And instead of turning to attack you, the bull turns into a liquid.
That's what a smart person would do.
You just get your ass out of the way.
You're not the one who jumped off a building. You really don't have any responsibility at that point.
Sure, be a nice guy.
Go and get a mop.
Don't try and catch her.
I don't know if the true stupidity of the whole thing occurred to the guy when he decided to catch her.
I'm pretty sure it struck him in the end though.
Bah dump pssshhhh.
Do you know the funniest part of the whole story, though? Do you know the absolute kick in the pants irony of the situation?
Yeah, she managed to turn her boyfriend into a fine paste and I'm pretty sure she didn't just get up and walk away.
Still... She lived.
On the bright side, the guy actually succeeded in saving her life. Wherever he is, he can rest easy in the knowledge that his final act was victorious.
On the dark side, that final act was monumentally stupid.
Now, he's dead and in six months, she'll be banging his best friend.
They won't even have him cleaned up by then.
Good job, hero.
I don't know about you, but if my significant other decided to jump off a seven story building, I really only have one thing to say...