Friday, March 06, 2009

Karma's A Bitch

I am not a bad person.

Stop laughing. I'm really not.

I try not to do bad things.

I try to be a good person.

Whenever I open a door, I hold it for the person behind me.

That's just good manners.

I know that's not a lot, but it's got to earn me some credit. Sometimes, the other person is like five whole seconds away.

That's got to be worth a few points.

So, with me being such a model of good behavior, I have to ask why such terrible things happen to me.

Last night, Susan and I decided to do something together. Neither of us had any events planned in-game, so it seemed like a good idea.

She suggested we watch a movie.

At the time it seemed like such a good idea.

Through some relationship twist of fate, it was apparently her turn to pick the movie.

It's funny... Every time we have to pick a movie, it's her turn to pick.

EVERY time.

And does she pick a movie we can both enjoy?

Of course not.

No, she has to pick whatever claptrap, mindless, estrogen orgy bullshit they can slap on a DVD.

Hey, does your movie have a completely retarded storyline and an obvious, barely sensible romance?

Susan will be there with money in hand.

I'm not saying we have to watch my favorite movie every single time.

We don't always have to watch Dark Knight or Big Busty Ladies 17.

But once in a while would be nice.

I'm starting to think there was no point even getting The Dark Knight.

And don't even get me started on Big Busty Ladies 17.

It's got romance.

No, Susan decides she wants to watch Made of Honor.

Oh.

Dear.

God.

After doing some brief research, I found out that watching this movie is actually used as punishment for murder in some countries.

It could also be successfully used as an excuse for murder.

I'm not sure what women find so damned fascinating about the whole "Best friend becomes my boyfriend" bullshit.

Do we really need another movie about it though?

Seriously?

If someone is your friend, it is because you are not attracted to them in any way.

At all.

If you are a girl, your guy friends are probably either:

a) ex-boyfriends that turned out to be completely wrong for you

b) so horribly unattractive that you would never even consider thinking of them as anything but friends

There is no third option.

There is no "really handsome guy that's charming and sweet and perfect, but we don't date for no good reason".

If you are a guy, your girl friends are either:

a) girls you've slept with

b) girls you are currently trying to sleep with

That's it.

Guys don't do the friend thing. We don't sit around and hang out with girls we find attractive.

If we do, it's only in the hopes that pants will be removed in the immediate future.

These movies are just further propagating this completely unrealistic expectation of romance that is being put on guys.

Now, you have to be smart, charming, good-looking, rich, possibly a prince, probably a doctor, and romantic.

AND you have to be their best friend.

Anything else Hollywood? Are there any other prerequisite skills I should have in order to get laid?

Maybe I could cure Cancer.

How hard could that be?

It's a good thing we have Hollywood executives to explain exactly what we should be like in order to be even remotely passable as mates.

Before most women even meet a guy, the have a list of expectations programmed into their brains.

Completely unattainable expectations.

Do you want to see a guy's expectations?

1) breathing

2) vagina

That's all of them.

There was a three, but it said "vagina" again.

We really like that.

Okay, most of us like that, but the other guys have their own list, too.

Hell, some guys aren't even too worried about number one.

We're a very understanding people.

Sure, we do LIKE it when women are romantic.

But our definition of romantic involves removing your pants without a half an hour of begging.

I'd suggest that they should make a romantic movie for guys.

They already did.

It's called Big Busty Ladies 17.

22 Comments:

At 9:28 PM, Blogger Nummies said...

:D

?!?! im insulted and Shocked dave..

Susan turned down porn??

Here i was thinking she was perfect.

Hot, Gamer, ACTUALLY a female Mithra??

 
At 10:45 PM, Blogger Cleopatra[The First and The Last] said...

I'm a girl.

But if men are really only interested in getting us out of our pants, i guess i'm not on the list.

I like skirts ._.

Go watch Twilight and burn your brains out or something.

 
At 12:19 AM, Blogger Seiken said...

Skirts were made for quick access. There's no need to get out of them.

 
At 3:03 AM, Blogger Conscript said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 3:04 AM, Blogger Conscript said...

Just hike them up.. I like your thinking. It makes perfect scenarios seem almost attainable.

 
At 3:12 AM, Blogger Strings said...

Not ALL women like "chick flicks". However, I'm gonna pontificate here for a sec:

Almost every female I've interacted with who liked "chick-flicks", couldn't get happy in a relationship.

Period. full stop.

I'm guessing that yes, such movies DO build a false list of priorities in many women...

 
At 4:20 AM, Blogger Pulsahr said...

"If you are a guy, your girl friends are either:
a) girls you've slept with
b) girls you are currently trying to sleep with
That's it."

No ! We're not like that !

...

Ok, I need to skillup credibility.

 
At 7:24 AM, Blogger Salt said...

Ahhh, things the female gender finds interesting.

I will never understand.

I mean there girls crazy about yaoi out there. ><

 
At 10:34 AM, Blogger Chirri said...

I'm not a huge fan of chick flicks (speaking as a chick), but what few of them I AM interested in, I'd hate to watch with my guy. Honestly, I find them something of a "guilty pleasure," because they're usually so stupid and sappy. Long and short of it, though, is I don't watch many movies, period -- so the only times I will are when my guy brings home movies HE'S interested in. Ironman, Dark Knight, etc.

As for what sorts of men women make their friends... I'm the opposite. I won't do a guy who I'm not friends with. <_<

 
At 12:22 PM, Blogger shallot said...

God dammit. Who makes all the other movies? The ones that aren't Die Hard or Love Actually? And where can I find them?

 
At 12:38 PM, Blogger Russell said...

GM Dave this has already been written in extensive detail ^^

http://www.laddertheory.com/

You're welcome

 
At 2:54 PM, Blogger MinorAgentofChaos said...

There is no third option.

Um...Dave, actually, there is.

If you're a girl, your guy friends might also be gay.

I know several women whose guy buds were gay guys, including me. One of those women (married) had weekly shopping/mall trips with one of her gay buds, while her hubby watched the Buckeyes' game.

And Strings -- wow. I thought I was the ONLY person who ever noticed that, and you're so right. The women I used to deal with at work, most of THEM loved those things, and I got sick of always hearing their litanies of whatever was wrong with their boyfriends-of-the-moment. They never had anything GOOD to say about their guys.

In contrast, the SF/F female fans I knew had some of the best relationships I know (including me. :))

I'm female, I hate the so-called "chick-flicks". They're vapid & idiotic trash. MY idea of a chick flick is a movie with a strong female hero in it -- gimme Spirited Away anyday.

 
At 12:36 AM, Blogger J├ęson said...

I feel bad for being a male that enjoys chick flicks now... :(

 
At 5:42 AM, Blogger Cleopatra[The First and The Last] said...

Well...Like the Americans[And Dave] might say, Day-amm.

Skirts were made for quick access huh?

I should force some guys into them, since my friends were on the topic of women raping men this afternoon....

 
At 5:43 AM, Blogger Frederik-Jan said...

Isn't there a third option in the guys female friends list?

3) Related

Then again, in some states :)

 
At 8:23 AM, Blogger Treubond said...

I'm sorry I do not agree with this:

Do you want to see a guy's expectations?

1) breathing

2) vagina


There is a #3 ... boobs (and no not Genboobs).

Also, about the skirts. Private schools that make girls wear skirts was fun ... man I miss High School.

 
At 9:10 AM, Blogger Nummies said...

I guess in a way the gay thing is true, MinorAgentChaos.

but you have to consider if they're not trying to get in your pants at all and are trying to get in other guy's pants... Eh, its hard to classify them as having "Guy friends." At least for this scenario because he's referring to the type of guys who happen to be interested in vagina.

Of course they're guys, but if they don't play a part in the male - female dating game that dave's refferring to its hard to count them.

 
At 11:00 AM, Blogger MinorAgentofChaos said...

No, Nummies, Dave's comments about a girl's guy friends didn't qualify them as being part of the dating game. The "so horribly unattractive" part strongly implies that. He simply said that if a girl has guy friends, the guys fall into one of those two categories, and it's guys for whom she doesn't have any romantic tendencies.

And the gay friends aren't necessarily trying to get into the guy's pants -- the married woman I mentioned? There's no way he would've been lusting after her husband; the gay guy's pref was for buff younger men, not older morbidly obese slobs.

 
At 3:57 PM, Blogger Leut said...

Amen.

Oh....and skirts are ok....as long as you aren't wearing anything under them......but not if you're fat.

Hate me. But I speak the truth.

 
At 3:23 AM, Blogger Scattercat said...

Every time I read something like this, I get all paranoid, because these people seem to be describing a completely different gender than the one I've been living as. Maybe everyone has lied to me and I'm not actually male. I don't know. If the conspiracy runs that deeply, then I can't really know anything.

 
At 12:54 PM, Blogger Mohamed said...

First post I have ever read on your site. I laughed like ive never laughed before. Am sending so many people this way.

 
At 7:34 AM, Blogger Darraxus said...

LOL. Women who expect from a man what they see in a movie are asking for failure...unless it is a new position from Backdoor Sluts 4.

 

Post a Comment

<< Home