Karma's A BitchI am not a bad person.
Stop laughing. I'm really not.
I try not to do bad things.
I try to be a good person.
Whenever I open a door, I hold it for the person behind me.
That's just good manners.
I know that's not a lot, but it's got to earn me some credit. Sometimes, the other person is like five whole seconds away.
That's got to be worth a few points.
So, with me being such a model of good behavior, I have to ask why such terrible things happen to me.
Last night, Susan and I decided to do something together. Neither of us had any events planned in-game, so it seemed like a good idea.
She suggested we watch a movie.
At the time it seemed like such a good idea.
Through some relationship twist of fate, it was apparently her turn to pick the movie.
It's funny... Every time we have to pick a movie, it's her turn to pick.
And does she pick a movie we can both enjoy?
Of course not.
No, she has to pick whatever claptrap, mindless, estrogen orgy bullshit they can slap on a DVD.
Hey, does your movie have a completely retarded storyline and an obvious, barely sensible romance?
Susan will be there with money in hand.
I'm not saying we have to watch my favorite movie every single time.
We don't always have to watch Dark Knight or Big Busty Ladies 17.
But once in a while would be nice.
I'm starting to think there was no point even getting The Dark Knight.
And don't even get me started on Big Busty Ladies 17.
It's got romance.
No, Susan decides she wants to watch Made of Honor.
After doing some brief research, I found out that watching this movie is actually used as punishment for murder in some countries.
It could also be successfully used as an excuse for murder.
I'm not sure what women find so damned fascinating about the whole "Best friend becomes my boyfriend" bullshit.
Do we really need another movie about it though?
If someone is your friend, it is because you are not attracted to them in any way.
If you are a girl, your guy friends are probably either:
a) ex-boyfriends that turned out to be completely wrong for you
b) so horribly unattractive that you would never even consider thinking of them as anything but friends
There is no third option.
There is no "really handsome guy that's charming and sweet and perfect, but we don't date for no good reason".
If you are a guy, your girl friends are either:
a) girls you've slept with
b) girls you are currently trying to sleep with
Guys don't do the friend thing. We don't sit around and hang out with girls we find attractive.
If we do, it's only in the hopes that pants will be removed in the immediate future.
These movies are just further propagating this completely unrealistic expectation of romance that is being put on guys.
Now, you have to be smart, charming, good-looking, rich, possibly a prince, probably a doctor, and romantic.
AND you have to be their best friend.
Anything else Hollywood? Are there any other prerequisite skills I should have in order to get laid?
Maybe I could cure Cancer.
How hard could that be?
It's a good thing we have Hollywood executives to explain exactly what we should be like in order to be even remotely passable as mates.
Before most women even meet a guy, the have a list of expectations programmed into their brains.
Completely unattainable expectations.
Do you want to see a guy's expectations?
That's all of them.
There was a three, but it said "vagina" again.
We really like that.
Okay, most of us like that, but the other guys have their own list, too.
Hell, some guys aren't even too worried about number one.
We're a very understanding people.
Sure, we do LIKE it when women are romantic.
But our definition of romantic involves removing your pants without a half an hour of begging.
I'd suggest that they should make a romantic movie for guys.
They already did.
It's called Big Busty Ladies 17.