Bannable Offenses

And Then Susan Got Mad... - Vol. 6

So one of the things Susan's friends like to do occasionally is to get together and play party-style board games.

*ahem*

Yay?

I've got nothing against party games as long as that party game involves me being in a party in a game I actually like.

I'll give you two guesses which one.

Or any game that involves stripping. Strip [insert game here] is the greatest game ever.

Despite my rather obvious dislike of:

a) people
b) social gatherings
c) social gatherings of people

my wife insists I go with her. She likes for us to do things together, outside the house and away from our computers.

No, I don't get it either.

Anyway, we're at her friends house playing a board game. It was some sort of bastardized Newlywed/Match Game bullshit where the men had to answer questions based on what they think their wife would say.

They should have called the game "RUN! IT'S A F&%@ING TRAP!"

Most of the game was going pretty well. I had managed to get answers that were reasonably close to what my wife said. I was actually starting to think that I would make it out unscathed.

Not so much.

Someone pulls a card and the question reads "Do you think your wife would get plastic surgery if you paid for it?"

NOTICE: The card does not say "SHOULD get".

"WOULD get..."

That's a big freaking difference.

I've heard Susan make offhand comments about plastic surgery. Nothing major. Just a little nip her or there. We'd just had a conversation a few days earlier about what she would change.

Her words. Not mine.

Also important.

I'm confident in my answer. I'm sure that is exactly how Susan would feel.

Then the first husband reads his answer.

"Of course not. My wife is perfect just the way she is."

He has, at this point, done two things:

1) traded in his testicles for a pretty new purse
2) totally screwed me over

The next guy says "I'd never want to change anything about her."

Oh.

Shit.

Now, They're getting closer to me and I know I have to read my answer.

"How could anyone make her more beautiful?"

OH, COME ON!

Then, it's my turn. The whole table is looking at me. I reach for my card with the intent of lying through my teeth when Susan's friend reaches over and yanks my paper off the table.

Yoink.

That sound wasn't her taking the paper. That's the sound my testicles made when they jumped up inside my torso for protection.

Don't read it out loud.

Don't read it out loud.

And... She read it out loud.

And then, Susan got mad.

You know, I'm actually getting used to sleeping on the couch. It's really quite comfortable.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 9:01 PM