Bannable Offenses

And Then Susan Got Mad... - Vol. 4

Okay, so Susan was in labor...

Yes, this is a story about how my wife got mad at me while she was in labor.

Now, you're probably saying that this is nothing new. You're probably thinking that every father has a story about his wife getting mad at them in the middle of labor.

Something about a tiny person clawing their way out through your genitals just makes women cranky.

But not me. Oh, no. I went above and beyond.

Before my beautiful daughter was born, we got to take these super fun, super interesting classes about all of the exciting things that would happen during the majestic phenomenon that is birth.

At least... That's what they tell you.

Actually, I sat in a small, uncomfortable room listening to a woman tell all the men what not to do in order to keep your wife from murdering you.

Here is the list:

1) don't eat in front of her
2) don't talk about it taking too long
3) don't leave her alone for any reason

Pretty simple, right? Just don't do those three little things.

Guess how many of them I did while Susan was in labor.

If you guessed less than three, welcome to my blog.

First off, the food. That one really wasn't my fault. Everyone who came to visit her during her TWENTY HOUR LABOR brought me food.

Let me say that again: TWENTY HOUR LABOR.

How am I not supposed to eat? I needed to keep my strength up.

And Susan didn't even offer me some of those ice chips she was getting. I mean, how selfish can you get, right?

Now, yes, I could have lat least left the room. Sitting in front of her eating a giant bacon cheeseburger when she couldn't have food... That may have been rude.

But I wasn't supposed to leave her alone.

Rule motherf&^@in' three.

She did not see it that way.

Second, the not talking about how long it was taking...

Yeah.

Have you ever sat around for your girlfriend/fiance/wife while she went shopping for half an hour? Remember how freaking annoying that was?

Multiply that by 40.

Literally.

I spent 20 hours just standing around while she just laid there breathing.

At least she got to lie down.

Am I right?

We were at the hospital freaking early. Like the sun wasn't even up and shit and I'm at a hospital waiting to get stuff done.

When five o'clock rolls around HOURS later, I casually mentioned:

[GM]Dave>> You know, I could have actually gone to work today.

Yeah, Susan didn't find that funny either.

And last, but most certainly not least, the not leaving her alone...

Okay, after 15 odd hours of standing around and trying to be motivational, I was getting a little tired. It had been an exhausting day, both mentally and physically, and I needed to take a break for just a minute.

There was a TV in the room and someone, for whatever reason, had turned it on earlier. I walked over, looked at it for two seconds, and tried to collect myself.

Five minutes, tops.

That's when I heard my darling wife calling to me. As I turned and walked back towards her, she was smiling.

Do you know sharks kind of smile before they tear your leg off?

As soon as I was within arm's reach, she whipped her arm out and grabbed me by the chest. I don't mean she grabbed my shirt. She reached out and grabbed a handful of skin.

I don't have a lot of lose skin to begin with and yet, she somehow managed to grab an entire fistful of it.

She then pulled me in so that our faces were bare millimeters apart.

Susan>> DON'T.
Susan>> LEAVE.
Susan>> AGAIN!
Susan>> I WILL F&%@ING CUT YOU!

To say that the look in her eyes was frightening is an understatement.

It might be more accurate to say that every sperm in my body that would have been capable of impregnating her in the future, spontaneously died.

Just up and died.

My wife is a beautiful woman. She is shorter than me, weaker than me, and honestly, I could take her if I needed to.

But that day...

Seriously. They just up and died.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 7:45 PM