Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Things You Shouldn't Say

We all know there are things you just shouldn't say.

Dave>> Wow, honey. Was your ass always that big?

Dave>> Why yes I am drunk, officer.

Dave>> How bad could a Tomb Raider movie be?

These are the same rules that we all deal with everyday. We've all learned how to interact with other human beings without seemingly like complete retards.

Well... Most of us.

Basically, anyone that has never played on Xbox Live.

I'm used to these rules.

I'm pretty good at following these rules.

Only occasionally will I scream "F#@%tard" at the people I meet during the day.

But no one told me that there was a whole new set of rules for dealing with a pregnant woman. Is that really fair? Is it fair that they get to make up new rules like that just because they're pregnant?

Today, I was just making some normal, run of the mill small talk when Susan just lost her freakin' mind.

[GM]Dave>> Hey, honey.
[GM]Dave>> Any people fall out of you today?
Susan>> That's not funny.

[GM]Dave>> Of course it is.
Susan>> It wasn't funny at the mall.
Susan>> It wasn't funny when you called me at work.
Susan>> It certainly wasn't funny at my aunt's funeral.
[GM]Dave>> The priest laughed.
Susan>> Just knock it off.
[GM]Dave>> Are you okay?

See that right there? That's a very important tactic when dealing with women.

Sometimes you need to pretend to care.

Basically, look concerned and then nod when their lips stop moving.

Susan>> No, I'm not okay.

And nod.

Susan>> I don't like being fat like this.
Susan>> It's not fair.
[GM]Dave>> Honey, you're not fat.
Susan>> *sniffle*
Susan>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> Well...
[GM]Dave>> Not that fat.

And that's when she lost it.

I mean, what the hell?

45 Comments:

At 8:48 PM, Blogger Ninboy said...

first!!!!

bahaha

and welcome back man

 
At 9:01 PM, Blogger Knightxl said...

gg nub

 
At 9:13 PM, Blogger Axit said...

How are you still alive after saying that???

 
At 11:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for the tip, Dave... ^^;

 
At 11:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I should remember that. Will maybe come in handy some day soon.

 
At 12:25 AM, Blogger Tarage said...

Nice delevel there Dave.

Gonna take you quite a few weeks of EXPing 'on the couch' to get back to being able to camp 'the bed', if you catch my drift. ^_-

 
At 1:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Women. You can't say anything without upsetting them. Even NOT saying anything upsets them.
Best thing seems to be single, or date someone under 17. I opt for the single part.

 
At 5:07 AM, Blogger Belmarin of Bismarck said...

omfg.....

I mean.... omfg....

Dave, Jormy can NOT save you on something like that. Trust me, been there, done that... got the scars.... and the limp, the bent posture and the slight facial tic to prove it.

There is a safe response, works in almost all circumstances, except the delivery room. For that I'd suggest at least chain mail, and a carbon steel cup, um "codpiece".

Simply look straight into her eyes, and place an expression of extreme caring and sincerity on your face (I find that simulating that feeling you get 2 hours after having the vending machine burrito that you "weren't quite sure tasted right" is an almost perfect substitute) and say....

"You have never looked more beautiful..." slowly, distinctly and if possible in a Barry White voice, will get you out of almost any situation.

Well, with a woman. And if all else fails, run like hell.

Peace out.

 
At 5:19 AM, Blogger Elvean said...

Belmarin is right.. :)

Its just nasty of you guys not to understand its all the hormons that are mixing her up...

And Dave.. it will get worse even! so prepare your self for it (do rehersals together with Jormy or so..)

When the baby will be there, there is still a storm going on inside of her.. (more rehersals with Jormy..)

Are you up to it?? Who made her do it with you?????? LOL
She should have known better.. :)

 
At 7:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

long time reader first time poster bla bla bla.

Just wanted to say i love your blog, the stuff you write makes me lol something wicked. Its nice to have ya back.

 
At 7:30 AM, Blogger Knyte said...

These are the same rules that we all deal with everyday. We've all learned how to interact with other human beings without seemingly like complete retards.

Well... Most of us.

Basically, anyone that has never played on Xbox Live.


hey now, i play on xbox live.../emotear

 
At 7:58 AM, Blogger Kerensky said...

I thought it was all about using duble talk..

 
At 8:11 AM, Blogger Esined said...

I am surprised she didn't hurt the member that got her there in the firts place O.o

Is your aim straight? Or do you have to go at an angle?

 
At 8:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

here's how it goes....

if you attempt to get some love..you are a pig that has only one thing on your mind

if you keep your distance..you do not love her and find her repulsive

it will get worse..much worse

my advice is to start banning rtm's

each time you become annoyed with the whole pregnant/baby arriving thing ban one of them bastards

by the time the baby is born
not only will we have the whole rtm thing under control

but im betting you can start on banning random morons as well

i would say good luck
but where you are now is not about luck

nothing can help you..nothing at all

god has abandoned you and the devil is laughing

 
At 8:29 AM, Blogger EndrilRM said...

Well, considering all the bannings that took place recently, I guess we now know how Dave is taking out his aggression :-)

 
At 8:44 AM, Blogger TecnoBrat said...

I always used the term "full".

"No honey you aren't fat, you are full."

It always came back with "Awwww", should try it sometime. :P

And welcome back.

 
At 9:18 AM, Blogger Jed said...

:( Am I the only guy that would attcually lie through my teeth about this? Be nice?

"You have a second body in there, and you can still fit in size 10. That's fat? O_O"

I mustn't be a male... Just some form of super male!

It can't be any more fun than getting a 50cent piece out non-lubed, I think it may just be a little more painful.

 
At 12:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Honest to god ... I love that joke. I can't believe she couldn't laugh at it. Ofcourse, she's the one bearing all the pain,the emotions,the hormones,etc

But I wonder, have you never used "introducing someone to your Jormy" as a pick up line ?

 
At 1:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

And you're not dead?


/giggle

 
At 2:06 PM, Blogger Otis said...

I'd feel rather akward if I was talking to someone and they suddenly said, "Asterisk, S, N, I, F, F, L, E, Asterisk."

Just kidding.

 
At 3:17 PM, Blogger Yo Alejandro said...

Hi DAVE

just giving a hello and welcome back from south of the border.

keep up the good work man

 
At 3:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LMAO when I was pregnant, I knew I was fat. I mean come on here girls, you have a huge gut sticking out. Uncomfortable, annoying, keeping you up all night. Have some humor. My ex looked at me and out of nowhere and said "Honey you are glowing, do not ever think you are fat please" I told him, first of all that glow is sweat from puking 24/7. Second of all, I am fat, my ass is gone, my boobs are big (which wasnt a bad thing) I walk like a retard and i cant sit without going through a tactics method for it. He just looked at me in total shock.
Gotta make light humor and be less hormonal. More miserable around guys walking on eggshells then just laughing it up.

 
At 3:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It will get better, just wait til the last trimester when *ahem* the little woman goes into overdrive. Be sure to pick up some soothing ointment and some lube cuz its gonna be a spawn camp from hell with all the 'taggin you' will be asked to do. Did i say asked? I meant compelled.

 
At 3:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well Dave, I have just started reading your blog a month ago, and I have to say its pretty funny. at times. well, 99% of the time.
The only problem I have is that, while I may have the same view of stupid people on Final Fantasy as you do, after reading your blog I have found myself actually started to become more sarcastic (read blatantly telling stupid people to piss off and to leave me the hell alone). I blame you for this and praise you for this.

That is all.

 
At 6:55 PM, Blogger Eirwen said...

Very Subtle, Dave -_-

 
At 11:57 PM, Blogger Julia said...

If you want to learn how to piss off a pregnant woman Dave, you need to make friends with my (soon-to-be) ex-husband. He knew all the "RIGHT" things to say to make me want to choke him.

 
At 6:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad to see you suviving along your fatherhood...

Actually, I take that back. The future is unpredictable.

 
At 5:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I laughed, Dave your blog is great, keep up the good work!
I hope my WoW blog becomes good.

Thanks,
Ultima.

 
At 6:48 AM, Blogger shelby said...

Just don't laugh when she starts crying at a commercial.

 
At 2:24 PM, Blogger Jed said...

"I AM A FROG BUY SOME OF THIS SOAP!"

o-o I fully support crying at tv ad's

 
At 5:48 PM, Blogger Shinkada said...

"Ohh, honey, you're not fat. You just have a tiny person inside of you that's making you LOOK fat."

 
At 8:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awsome blog in all, i like the dialgue, never see it around anywhere else and its a nice change.

ive tried reading back through your archives but it does get rather repetitive. So im just going to read them as they come.

and thanks for coming back, its put a little spark of life in my boring existence.

 
At 11:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes... what you say is so true. But people have not learned what to say. People are RETARDED! Innapropriate! I blogged about this subject, (sortof) myself jsut this morning. Dave you are the best.

 
At 1:58 PM, Blogger Spider said...

Pfft. Women need to deal with reality. They want a man to be honest etc. until it comes to their self image. Then it's all lies.

You the man Dave. You tell her like it is! Stand up for men everywhere!

Next time try saying something like "You're fat? Really? I thought you lost weight."

That'll really get'er. :)

 
At 5:47 AM, Blogger Jed said...

Might I suggest an idea for future blogging? No? Too bad.

Take all the fail points of a few mmorpgs(FFXI, WoW, *snicker* Runescape, etc) and compare them. Surely this will result in some funnies, yes?

 
At 1:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This post is so true...

 
At 6:58 PM, Blogger James said...

Here's a funny Final Fantasy themed parody I "stumbled upon".

James :)

http://www.kotaku.com/gaming/clips/the-ultimate-final-fantasy-fan-parody-225357.php

 
At 12:38 PM, Blogger Soren said...

College Saga, on Youtube, is one of the greatest Final Fantasy spoofs I've ever seen.

That and Final Fantasy A+ on Newgrounds.

Dave...*tsktsk* Good luck later on... You're going to need it...

 
At 7:08 AM, Blogger [GM]Dave said...

I'm really sorry for the lack of updates. I can view the website, but I can't log into my blogger account.

Something about switching over to the new system and waiting to transfer my blog.

I have no idea.

I have stuff written, I just can't post it.

Hopefully, early next week.

This, unfortunately, also means I wasn't able to run a Welcome Back theme week for the fan club. There is a fan pack coming for everyone who donated in December and January.

Stupid technology not doing what I want it to.

 
At 10:11 AM, Blogger Jed said...

I don't think anyone will hold it against you, nice to know we have an update to look foward too :D

 
At 1:58 PM, Blogger Belsire said...

lol, internet

 
At 12:38 AM, Blogger Thecolorblue said...

No matter how smart, diabolical, omnipotent, or web savvy you are, the internets will always find a way to annoy you.

I doubt even complete and utter world domination would fix it.

 
At 2:50 AM, Blogger Jed said...

Mean like microsoft?

 
At 7:55 PM, Blogger Mike said...

"You know, for a fat chick, you sure don't sweat much."

Somehow, she didn't see the compliment in it.

 
At 4:41 PM, Blogger Andrew said...

Aww. . . she needs to dump your miserable ass.

 

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