Bannable Offenses

The Joys of Parenthood

I find myself still struggling with this new world of parenting.

What is it with these things?

I swear there isn't a minute of the day that something isn't coming out of some part of her body. Seriously. I don't even know where it all comes from.

She's not that big.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love her to death.

But I would still love her if she wasn't constantly leaking.

So, the other night I'm in the middle of a Dynamis-Xarcabard run. My daughter was sleeping quietly in her crib and Susan had passed out on the bed.

For the first time in as long as I can remember, it's actually quiet.

Things are going well. We're running like a well-oiled machine and relic is actually dropping at a nice rate.

It looks to be a good night.

That's when I heard a soft gurgle come from the crib.

We have a moment of downtime, so I decide to take a moment to gaze lovingly in at my baby girl.

What could a gurgle mean?

Is she dreaming? What is she dreaming about? Is she dreaming about me?

It was that exact moment that she decided to explain what her soft gurgle meant.

Apparently, "soft gurgle" translates into "I'm about to projectile vomit all over the damned room."

You have never seen anything so disturbing. She actually managed to throw up so hard that it shot out of her crib and all over the floor.

I wish I was making this up.

Now, I know that this had to be cleaned up immediately. As her father, I knew I only really had one option.

So, I'm waking Susan up...

Susan>> What?
Susan>> What's going on?
Dave>> Your daughter threw up.
Susan>> What do you mean "my daughter"?
Dave>> Well... She threw up.
Dave>> When she throws up, she's your daughter.
Dave>> This is not hard to follow.
Susan>> So, she's mine only when she's done something disgusting.
Dave>> You're it's mother.
Dave>> It's your job.
Susan>> Did you just call our daughter an "it"?
Susan>> What's wrong with you?
Susan>> She's a cute, little baby.
Dave>> Let's have this conversation later.
Dave>> Maybe when she's not covered in vomit.
Susan>> I'm going back to sleep.
Susan>> If you wake me up again, there will be pain involved.
Dave>> What kind of pain?
Susan>> Large.
Susan>> And directed mostly toward your groin area.
Dave>> ...
Dave>> Sleep tight.

Somewhere, Mrs. Brady just died a little inside.

So, I'm cleaning up when I look at the screen and notice everyone trying to get my attention. I rush across the room just in time to see the armor I'd been waiting months for autolot to a random person.

Months of waiting undone by vomit.

Ironically, I felt like throwing up.

And that's when I heard it.

A soft gurgle.

As a side note, does anyone know if you can sell a baby on ebay?

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 6:58 PM 39 comments

Just Stop Already

First off, I'd like to thank you guys. Those of you kind enough to keep me up to date with everything going on in the game are super helpful.

Gee... If only I worked at the damned company!

I understand that recent changes to the game came as a huge shock to you guys.

The 2-hand update alone was responsible for 47 heart attacks.

In our defense, those guys were real fat anyway. If the update didn't kill them, standing up probably would have.

But as much as these things are shocking to you, I really don't need you sending me e-mails to tell me all about it.

I work there.

Yes, I realize I have fallen off the edge of the planet. We don't talk like we used to.

It's not you, it's me.

(Note: It really is you.)

That doesn't mean I still don't go to work.

Occasionally.

And it is quite literally my job to know what's going on in the game.

You see, I'm a game master. If I didn't pay attention to this stuff, they'd have to change my title to game enthusiast.

I really don't think [CasualGamePlayer]Dave has as nice a ring to it.

Now, I don't mine people dropping me a line to voice their opinions.

I don't read them, but I don't mind them either.

But for some reason, people keep sending me e-mails just to let me know what's happening.

Let me give you an example:

Dear [GM]Dave,

Did you hear about the new 2H update? They're changing the way damage is calculated for 2 handed weapons.

Can you freakin' believe that?

I just wanted to make sure you knew about this.

Always a fan,
(Name removed to protect the functionally retarded)

Man, what would I do without people like this?

I mean, I only spend 8 hours a day staring at a computer screen either:

a) in game

b) reviewing game logs

c) drinking

d) reviewing upcoming game changes

How the hell would I know what's going on in the game?

They're not even timely about this shit. I got that e-mail yesterday.

YESTERDAY.

Hey, did you hear they're releasing a new expansion? I think it's called "Wings of the Something Or Other."

You better go get started on those e-mails.

posted by Goblin Smithy @ 7:32 PM 12 comments