Wednesday, October 03, 2007

The Joys of Parenthood

I find myself still struggling with this new world of parenting.

What is it with these things?

I swear there isn't a minute of the day that something isn't coming out of some part of her body. Seriously. I don't even know where it all comes from.

She's not that big.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love her to death.

But I would still love her if she wasn't constantly leaking.

So, the other night I'm in the middle of a Dynamis-Xarcabard run. My daughter was sleeping quietly in her crib and Susan had passed out on the bed.

For the first time in as long as I can remember, it's actually quiet.

Things are going well. We're running like a well-oiled machine and relic is actually dropping at a nice rate.

It looks to be a good night.

That's when I heard a soft gurgle come from the crib.

We have a moment of downtime, so I decide to take a moment to gaze lovingly in at my baby girl.

What could a gurgle mean?

Is she dreaming? What is she dreaming about? Is she dreaming about me?

It was that exact moment that she decided to explain what her soft gurgle meant.

Apparently, "soft gurgle" translates into "I'm about to projectile vomit all over the damned room."

You have never seen anything so disturbing. She actually managed to throw up so hard that it shot out of her crib and all over the floor.

I wish I was making this up.

Now, I know that this had to be cleaned up immediately. As her father, I knew I only really had one option.

So, I'm waking Susan up...

Susan>> What?
Susan>> What's going on?
Dave>> Your daughter threw up.
Susan>> What do you mean "my daughter"?
Dave>> Well... She threw up.
Dave>> When she throws up, she's your daughter.
Dave>> This is not hard to follow.
Susan>> So, she's mine only when she's done something disgusting.
Dave>> You're it's mother.
Dave>> It's your job.
Susan>> Did you just call our daughter an "it"?
Susan>> What's wrong with you?
Susan>> She's a cute, little baby.
Dave>> Let's have this conversation later.
Dave>> Maybe when she's not covered in vomit.
Susan>> I'm going back to sleep.
Susan>> If you wake me up again, there will be pain involved.
Dave>> What kind of pain?
Susan>> Large.
Susan>> And directed mostly toward your groin area.
Dave>> ...
Dave>> Sleep tight.

Somewhere, Mrs. Brady just died a little inside.

So, I'm cleaning up when I look at the screen and notice everyone trying to get my attention. I rush across the room just in time to see the armor I'd been waiting months for autolot to a random person.

Months of waiting undone by vomit.

Ironically, I felt like throwing up.

And that's when I heard it.

A soft gurgle.

As a side note, does anyone know if you can sell a baby on ebay?

40 Comments:

At 7:50 PM, Blogger Nightmare Hawks said...

my friend sold his soul for 10 cents on ebay
i'm pretty sure you can sell a baby

 
At 2:11 AM, Blogger Jaszon said...

eBay don't like selling babies anymore. there was this problem with babies and this dog-food maker from korea...

advertise it is an "automatic noise machine"

 
At 9:56 AM, Blogger Phoenix said...

Sure? Why not... I suggest dropping them in indonesia along with kittens for the starving children there though.

 
At 1:52 PM, Blogger lee said...

I wouldn't even try, they have this nasty habit of boomeranging on ya

Every seen Little Big City?(Think thats what its called) see all the hassle that kid went through just to pee, poop, burp, fart, sneeze, laugh, cry and sleep all at the same time at it's parents

they can do that ye know

they kinda explode

without all the bits

 
At 5:01 PM, Blogger semele said...

I'll give you $40 for it, American cash, right now.

 
At 11:10 AM, Blogger Squirt said...

Babies! I LOVE babies! squeeeeeeeeeee!

Reeree says that if you brought a baby into Pankration and leveled it up, you might be able to evolve it into a mandragora so it could learn Dream Flower, but the projectile vomiting would turn into Leaf Dagger and you would get poisoned if you weren't careful.

I don't think she's right. I think if you want a baby to grow up to be a mandragora you have to plant them and give your nice Moogle earth crystals to feed them.

 
At 12:46 PM, Blogger jhelten2001 said...

Can this really be?? The human incarnation of Jormungand is female??

At least now we know what happens to all those foolish FFXI victims.

I'd like to tell you that it gets better as they get older, but well, that would be a lie.

Although, the vomiting does slow down, at least until high school.

 
At 11:26 PM, Blogger Grenade71822 said...

What you should do is put all of the leaks into some jars and label them. Then sell them on ebay as protein shakes.

 
At 12:46 AM, Blogger Brandon said...

Ouch. I've had something like that happen once. Except it was merely a mediocre NM drop that got autotrashed because I had one free inventory slot left for it, then got an insect wing or some other cheap piece of crap item right before the weapon. I was so pissed. Of course, a level 20 crossbow doesn't begin to compare to relic armor, but you know what I'm saying. Hopefully.

Anyways, good luck with the kid. Get used to the long distance hurling. You'll be seeing a lot of it. I would advise the use of goggles.

 
At 4:38 PM, Blogger Master Aspie Dave said...

I think the site is www.ebaybies.com. It's either where you sell babies or a porn site, so.... it's all good.

 
At 3:28 PM, Blogger Ben said...

Well, maybe you could pull out Jormy on that guy who got the autolot.

Anyways, happy to hear things are going (reletively) well.

 
At 1:54 PM, Blogger Pauhana said...

YAY Susan! Good job! and gratz to you too, new dad! Glad to see you're back. It was a long, dry, HORRIBLE [GM]Dave-less spell =(

Just to keep things in perspective, leaking is the easy bit- enjoy it while you can because.....

One day, your new bundle of joy will ask for the car keys.

One day, your new bundle of joy will start..... DATING

 
At 10:19 AM, Blogger Rob said...

....that's actually happened to me before.

 
At 6:31 PM, Blogger Sophie said...

Hmm.... Maybe Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie want her. lol

 
At 8:45 PM, Blogger Alison the Amazing Thief said...

Yay! I'm so glad your back with new funnies. Much help to my foul mood. I love babies. <3

 
At 8:13 PM, Blogger Ryan said...

Hmm...

sadly I don't think Human Trafficking is legal on eBay, despite the other shit that goes on that site.

I found this out the hard way when I tried to sell my brother...ACS didn't like that (just kidding, I would never sell my brother on eBay...though I would like to).

There WAS an easy solution to this problem, and this post only strengthens this argument.

Don't have kids

 
At 6:43 AM, Blogger Philip said...

Great to see you're "fine".
Heh heh...

 
At 7:55 PM, Blogger Alshandra said...

All right!
Welcome back!

It's been a while since i logged onto your blog, but I'm glad i did today.

Good to know your well and "back" for more blog entries.

ciao

 
At 7:08 PM, Blogger adelecaelia said...

This comment has been removed because it linked to malicious content. Learn more.

 
At 5:13 AM, Blogger Nigelandbecka said...

Awwwe...

There was a thread on alla talking about the things we missed the most about the game that seem to no longer be around.

One of the posters mentioned that the thing he missed most was GM Dave.

Go out there and hand him his nooby butt so he can feel happy again :-)

 
At 12:14 AM, Blogger Nirach said...

I'll buy it, and pay shipping. I need something to rewire the back of my AV, and I can't get back there..

Maybe that or some sort of titanium cup is needed for when you ask Susan to clean baby sick.

 
At 3:29 PM, Blogger Daemien said...

Dad >> i'm selling our kid... We need food
Mom >> FOOD?! you can't sell children for FOOD!
Dad >> ok, food and a Wii...
Mom >> ...
Dad >> and i'll throw in a free brand new lazyboy recliner...
Mom >> honey, you can't sell our child for food...
Baby >> ... urgh...
Dad >> He's wakin up...
Baby >> uh.. ahhh...
Mom >> oh no... he's about to cry...
Baby >> WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!
Mom >> SELL THAT THING NOW!
Dad >> yes ma'am, he'll be sold quicker than you can say "use condoms"

 
At 3:29 PM, Blogger Daemien said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 10:19 AM, Blogger Argentos of Windurst said...

You can try to sell it, but eBay will just take down the auction.

 
At 10:26 AM, Blogger Victim said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 10:31 AM, Blogger Victim said...

Hehe, update man.

Update !

UPDATE NOW !

On a side note, feel free to pay my blog a visit. I can promise you it's real, I'm real and the stupidity as overwhelming as it is, it's real. Unfortunately.

 
At 6:56 AM, Blogger Dave-O said...

I know how you feel. On Nov 2nd my female demon spawn plunged into the world. She's now 11 days old, and this morning I too found the gurgling noise. And the vomit. It was spectacular. She had perfect aim--right for the unkempt hair of my sleeping wife. She loved it. She was so thrilled, she began flailing wildly in excitement, punching me in various parts of my body for not moving fast enough to get a towel. It was great.

 
At 3:52 PM, Blogger rulerofiron99 said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 3:52 PM, Blogger rulerofiron99 said...

This *update* post *update* may *update* contain *update* subliminal *update* messages.

First comment here, but I've been a fan of this blog since it started up.

This blog is an essential part to the livelyhood and sanity of many, so save us from the 'tards.

PS: Kill the kid, bury it on the beach and blame the mafia.

 
At 5:12 AM, Blogger Tommy said...

Good to hear you are doing "ok".

Have fun trying to sell the hellspawn. ;)

 
At 1:05 PM, Blogger Joseph said...

I find it ironic that throughout this blog you mention "Irony" a lot, but you don't seem to even know what it means.

 
At 3:24 AM, Blogger S.I said...

Well, I was tempted to sell a former friends son on ebay... the Arabs next door offered more for him though... thankfully the kids mum picked him up after leaving him with me for nine days... can you tell I'm bitter...

 
At 4:32 AM, Blogger Mai said...

Very belated checkin on this. Glad to see you're experiencing all the joys of fatherhood!

I'd say watch out for other projectile body fluids, but I'm sure by now you've either experienced them firsthand or learned to dodge. You'd never expect that kind of problem from girls...

Still, you can happily look forward to the day the kiddo can walk. Which quickly becomes the months the kiddo runs for the hills the moment the diaper is off.

Toddlers are the real reason there are safety straps on changing tables.

 
At 8:11 PM, Blogger n said...

*sigh*

Still nothin'

 
At 9:07 AM, Blogger redcab said...

are you the asshole who stole the cab vouchers...hahahahahahaha...you suck

 
At 8:58 AM, Blogger n said...

Okay, can I be the first to start the rumors that Dave died over Christmas again?

It's true! This time, a giant bookcase fell on him, pinning him to the ground. He was stuck that way for 5 weeks, surviving only by eating parts of his own hand.

But he pressed on, and one day the bill collectors came to shut off the power to his house and they saw him. He was free!

He was so happy, that he ran outside... and was hit by a bus.

True story!

 
At 12:11 AM, Blogger Tord2MK said...

Babies make great money on eBay. I don't think it's legal, but if you're able to feed things to dragons, who gives a damn?

 
At 6:12 PM, Blogger Neil said...

Close the blog. Can't update, RL too much, just close it. People move on, everyone happy.

 
At 11:18 AM, Blogger Balthier said...

[GM]Dave, your fans miss you. You give me the best laughs while i'm at work, please come back.

 
At 3:31 PM, Blogger David said...

Please just give us SOMETHING! :( I noticed you updated your other blog on November 21, so that means you didn't die between then and when you wrote the last update for this blog. So please, even if it's a notice saying you'll never write again, just give it to us ...

 

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