Saturday, December 18, 2010


And we're back.

I don't suppose you'd believe I was having router issues this entire time?



Susan has been yelling (literally YELLING) at me to do an update and let you guys know how everything is going. I have been putting this off because I've:

a) been waiting for something bad to happen

b) trying to sleep in the few minutes when I'm not working or changing diapers or cleaning up puke or feeding the baby or bathing the baby or rocking the baby or telling the baby to stop crying or walking around at 4 am with the baby in my arms because she feels like screaming instead of sleeping and Susan is making comments about murdering one or both of us if she can't get an hour's sleep

On an unrelated note: Parenting is AWESOME!

No, everything is going great here. Our little girl is super healthy and seems no worse for wear. The only thing was she was really small and we're taking care of that with breast milk and whatever bacon grease I can slip into a bottle before Susan notices.

Seriously, when that kid is old enough to eat solid food, she is eating at McDonald's every freaking day. I am going to cram chicken nuggets down her little throat until she's spherical.

If you ever have the opportunity to hold a 2 pound human being, I suggest you give it a shot. It will give you a new and profound respect for life.

It will also FREAK YOU THE F__K OUT.

Do you know what a bradycardia is? I shouldn't, but I do.

See, preemie babies have this funny habit of letting their hearts stop beating for no good goddamned reason. Seriously, she'd just be lying there looking around and then her heart would stop.

In case you failed biology: that is not good. Your heart stopping is counterproductive to being alive.

When you have a baby girl who weighs about as much as a bottle of pepsi and who tends to die at random intervals, it kind of messes you up a bit.

And I was already messed up before this whole thing started.

But she's out of the hospital and back home with us. The bradys have stopped and she's getting more and more like a people every day.

Soon, she will be ready to begin training in our ways. I've already made excellent progress in turning my older daughter into a tremendous geek. Her sister will follow her training just in case I ever have to lop the older one's hand off and throw her down a huge vent shaft in Cloud City or something.

You want to have a back up, amirite?

Everything is going great here. I haven't slept in weeks and I think I'm starting to hallucinate, but at least all of my girls are doing okay.

I'd also like to say a special thanks to everyone who made donations or sent messages in my absence. The notes really brightened my day and I made sure to spend donations on anything you guys asked. If the note said "buy some diapers", I bought some diapers. If the note said "buy yourself some Jack Daniel's", I bought myself some Jack Daniel's.

I love the person who wrote that by the way. The Jack Daniel's comes in handy right after you change a diaper.

I'm amazed at how awesome you guys are. Every time I read stories about how terrible internet people are, I feel like reaching through my monitor and slapping the writer in the face.

They just haven't met all of the great people on the internet.

They haven't met our people.

Thank you guys for everything.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Dun Dun Dunnnnn...

Hell of a cliffhanger, right?

When last we left our plucky hero, his wife had just unexpectedly decided to have a person fall out of her months in advance. Said person was incredibly tiny and incredibly sick.

What could have happened?

Okay, I know it was a dick move not to post some news sooner. From a lot of your messages and the few notes attached to donations, I know you guys are really worried about my little girl.

In my defense, given the circumstances, I think I have a little right to be a dick.

Also, I was a dick beforehand, so this is just the way I roll.

To answer all of your questions, she is doing great. She's healthy and happy and gaining weight.

That last part is a big freaking deal. When she was born, she weighed just under a kilo. And then she started losing weight.


They can tell you that shit is perfectly normal in babies, but I'm not retarded. I know how to do math and not very much minus anything is even freaking less.

Also, in case this happens to anyone else, NICU wards are the scariest freaking places on Earth. Ever. I would gladly run through Silent Hill in a gold thong before I'd come back to this place.

The other night, I was telling Susan that the NICU wasn't so bad. Just then, the doors burst open and they wheeled in a set of twins covered in blood and wrapped in plastic wrap.

Kind of hard to finish a thought after that, let me tell you.

Everything is going well, though. Susan is officially on maternity leave (read: Mommy gets a free vacation and I still have to go to work like a sucker), so she spends pretty much all of her time at the hospital. When she's not taking care of our girl, she's hooked up to various milking apparatuses to provide food for our girl.

This, of course, leaves me to take care of our other daughter.

By myself.

No, I didn't think that was a good idea either.

My daughter now listens to people talk and then says "Cool story, bro."

I've ruined her.

All in all, it's been an insane five weeks around here.

Holy shit. It's only been five weeks...

This is probably going to kill me.

Friday, September 03, 2010

Time Flies...

So, if you're reading this, you're probably familiar with everything that has been going on since Susan got pregnant.

I am writing this to inform you of the birth of our baby daughter.

Now, some of you are probably confused. Some of you are no doubt reading back through the archives for when I announced that Susan was pregnant.

I'll wait.


Okay. NOW, some of you are figuring out that that was not nine months ago.

I'll wait again. There's math involved.

Stupid math.


Alright. Are we all up to speed?


Tuesday, my lovely and very pregnant wife Susan decided to go on a little trip with a couple of her friends. Their names are not important as I am having them killed at my earliest convenience.

They went to a bed and breakfast more than two hours away. At the time, this did not seem like a bad idea since Susan was still 3 months from her expected due date.

It did seem like a bad idea Wednesday morning when her water broke.

Do you know that if your phone rings at 7 am, it is NEVER good news. Seriously. Just ignore it.

Our daughter was born while I was driving well in excess of any posted speed limits and cursing Susan's friends furiously.

I think I may have actually invented new swear words.

If someone calls you a Dongtanker, that means some serious shit, right there.

For those of you who may not have the greatest math skills (or reading ability as I just explained it), she was born 12 weeks early.

Yes, 12 weeks.

Imagine my surprise.

And because I'm sure we have a few "pics or it didn't happen" people in the crowd, I have decided to post a picture of her.

You may not want to keep scrolling if you're squeamish.

I warned you.

That is her shortly after birth, my darling baby girl.

I don't have any more recent photos though, as she had to be evaced to the nearest children's hospital for specialized treatment.

You know things are going just great when they airlift your baby daughter to an undisclosed location.

I'm pleased to say that she is doing amazingly though. For a baby born at 28 weeks, she is kicking some serious ass. She's already off the ventilator and is breathing on her own.

I know that doesn't sound amazing. You're breathing on your own right now and nobody is handing you a freaking medal, right?


Yeah, well, with babies like this, it's kind of a big deal. Let me have my little victories.

Get it?


I'm making puns.

Seriously, guys, things are okay. She is really doing well and all of the doctors are very hopeful. Susan and I will be heading to the children's hospital as soon as she's well enough to travel.

I just wanted to share this with you because you are my people.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Wait... Nope, not dead yet.

I'd like to thank everyone for the messages they sent. I will try to answer as many of your questions as possible.

No, I'm not dead. Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

I've been sick, but that's mostly just the random illnesses that my daughter (ie. The Umbrella Corporation) brings home with her.

Yes, both baby and baby mama are doing fine. We've had a few more scares since my last post, but my offspring are incredibly resilient.

No, I never noticed that I start to drift away from writing when Susan is pregnant. It wasn't until someone pointed it out that I noticed that the last time I took a break was when we were having our first child.

I think it comes down to having such a limited number of hours in a day. 24 isn't a big number. Between work, caring for my daughter, taking care of a pregnant (so very, very pregnant) wife, and maintaining my oh so many characters, I just don't have the energy to write a lot.

Yes, I'm still working on the book. Actually, I'm working on book 7 or 8 now. It's hard to keep track.

I just end up hating each story before I get done. It sounds so awesome in my head and then I write it down and it sounds retarded.

A couple of times I've caught myself writing books that have already been written.

I started writing a story about an office worker that kills everyone around him, but then somebody glanced over my shoulder and I had to go see a psychologist.

Related note: Apparently, everything is my mother's fault. If I have banned you or sent you an explosive device, you may want to take it up with her.

Ironically, if I now shoot everyone in my office, I have an excuse.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Random Thought

Have you ever seen those shirts that say "No Blood For Oil"?

After the robot apocalypse, those are going to be terribly ironic.

Thursday, June 17, 2010


Holy shit! Have you guys heard that the new Xbox 360 Kinect is on sale NOW?!

Seriously. You can go right to your nearest Walmart and buy one. Motion control, a new menu system, new games.

Did you see that menu? All your games and programs lined up in convenient little squares. No more flipping through screens. You just wave your hand and select whichever program you want to run.

And the whole thing only costs like $199.

Now, you're probably wondering why you haven't heard this anywhere else. Everyone else is saying that it comes out in November, right?

Not right.

I happen to know the secret password you have to say to get one of these fabulous devices.

And because you're good people, I'm going to share it with you.

If anyone else is in the room, just shut off your monitor and tell them you're looking at hardcore pornography until they leave.

They gone?

Okay, here's what you have to say:

"Excuse me. I'd like to buy a Wii please."

I've heard this always works for the new Playstation Move.

Then you just pay your money and head on home. Hook that baby up and you'll be the envy of everyone else on your block.

Assuming you live on the one block in the world where everyone doesn't already own a Wii.

I mean, do these companies seriously think we're this retarded?

Yes. Yes, they do.

This is just a blatant, bullshit attempt to copy the Wii. They're not even being subtle about it. They might as well have just bought a bunch of Wiis and put stickers over the name.

Their first big games are Kinect Sports and Kinect Bowling.

They're condescending. They are assuming we are so literally retarded that we will buy absolutely anything if they slap a shiny new name on it.

But we're not that retarded are we?

Yes. Yes, we are.

We are going to line up for days to buy that thing. People are going to miss mortgage payments just to get it.

Because we are retarded.

This isn't even subtle. They're kicking us in the face while laughing at us and we're paying good damned money for it.

AND they're acting like this is creative and original in the process.

I'd pay good money if they just admitted it.

Tell us they're screwing us. Just out and say it already.

Microsoft: We're don't make the Wii, but we like money, so yeah, here's a Wii dammit.

That's all I want. Just cut the shit and tell us the truth for once. Don't try and feed us a line about how you're the future of gaming.

You're the past.


You actually made fun of this same idea in the past.

And now, you are that idea.

Dammit, some days I feel like I'm the only sane person left on the planet.

That's a scary thought.

Monday, June 14, 2010

One Step Forward...

It wouldn't be a lie to say that I spend a fair amount of my time defending gamers.

Given the generally negative stereotypes applied to my people, I find myself constantly quoting statistics and figures about how gaming culture has grown over time and entered the mainstream. We are no longer those basement dwelling social outcasts that we were long thought to be.

Have you seen a console launch lately? Have you seen droves and droves of people ready to gut their fellow man just to be the first person to call someone a &%@ing Noob on a brand new system?

That shit is mainstream, son.

We are legion. We are many.

Yet despite this new acceptance of our culture, the general population smirks at us, their self-righteous smile visible above their American Eagle popped collar.

For some reason I can't understand, it is socially more acceptable to play extreme frisbee or beer pong than it is to play some Halo.


Now, this post is not another defense of my people. Since you are reading this, you're probably one of my people, so I'd be preaching to the converted.

No, this post is about WHY they think that about us.

It has nothing to do with the games or the systems. It has nothing to do with news stories or media depictions.

It has nothing to do with you.

It's this guy.

Yup, that guy is the exact reason why everyone in the entire world looks down on gamers.

He is the very essence of their argument. He is the embodiment of everything they laugh at when they hear the word "gamer".

This man... This man is why we suffer. This man is the reason that girls look at you funny when you tell them you play video games.

Yes, you know what look I mean. That first time you were on a date with a girl you liked. You're laughing and having fun and she asked what you like to do. You said video games. Then, you watched as her face started to curl into a look of disgust. You might have just told her you molest baby kittens for the sheer revulsion you saw in her eyes.

Yeah, totally that guy's fault.

And there's nothing you can do. No amount of Professional Gaming Leagues or celebrity endorsements will stop the damage he has caused our culture.

He weeps for his WoW account.

I weep for our people.