Saturday, October 18, 2008

Theme Week - [GM]Dave's Childhood - Vol. 7

To bring this lovely theme week to a close, there was really only one story I could tell.

So far, I've related funny stories and embarrassing stories. I've talked about friends and games and whatever else came to mind.

I haven't yet told you about the worst thing I ever did.

The Arthur thing?

Nah. As bad as that story sounds, Arthur could be quite a dick.

No, no. The worst thing I ever did was epic in both length and scope.

And consequence.

*ominous crash of thunder*

I was in grade 6. The school year had just started and because of classes being reassigned, I was in a class away from all of my friends.

This, of course, meant I hated school.


I was already far enough ahead of my class that school was boring me to tears. Taking my friends away was just adding insult to injury.

After a few weeks of trudging through my days, I decided I'd had enough of school.

So... I started playing sick.

I started complaining of terrible, terrible stomach pain.

A day here, a day there.

Then a few days at a time.

Then a week.

You might be wondering how exactly I got away with this.

I committed myself to the role. I cried and threw up.

I even spent hours in the hospital while my parents explained the situation to concerned doctors.

Yeah. I took this shit seriously.

Then each morning, I would stay home and play video games with the volume turned down. That way my mom wouldn't hear me.

This went on for two months.

It was perfect.

Well... Perfect except for one thing.

I was still pretty young and still, at that point, subject to a conscience. Each and every lie weighed heavy on me and cause me a lot of stress.

The stress just got worse and worse as time went by. I was so certain they'd figure it out and I'd be in a world of trouble.

Do you know what stress does?

Stress causes ulcers.

Yeah. I was probably the only eleven year old in the world to develop three stomach ulcers.

I faked stomach aches for so long that I developed ulcers that caused stomach pain.

It seems God is not without a sense of irony.

I went from faking symptoms to having my stomach turned inside out. Every day, I was in excruciating pain.

This lead to me spending two weeks in a children's hospital.

Man, that was a fun two weeks.

I remember the time they tried to put my IV in.

See, I had a severe aversion to needles. I hated the friggin' things.

So, when the nurse came in and told me they were going to stick a needle in the back of my hand, you can understand that I was not the calmest individual.

There was much screaming.

They stuck the first one in and pulled the needle portion out. This, as you might expect, sent blood spurting over my bed.

Nurse>> Hmmm...
Nurse>> We're not getting enough flow.
Dave>> There's blood spraying over half the bed!
Dave>> Is this a distance competition or something?!

She ended up having to try THREE more times. By the end, my bed looked like a scene from a horror movie.

Nurse>> There.
Nurse>> That wasn't so bad.

If it weren't for the blood loss, I'd have punched her in the face.

The whole two weeks were a living hell.

Every morning, EVERY MORNING, they brought me a new menu. It was a little green card that had meal choices and you could pick what you wanted that day.

I would spend a great deal of time on that card, sculpting exquisite meals.

And then, every meal, they'd bring me the same damned thing. Special K for breakfast, toast for lunch, and some strange mystery meat for supper.

Let's not forget the lime jello.

Every freakin' meal. Lime jello.

Apparently, ulcer patients are put on a special menu.

Apparently, no one mentioned this to the guy who BROUGHT ME A MENU EVERY DAY!

That's just plain cruel.

And I know cruel.

This went on for two weeks.

Except for the IV day.

My menu was soaked in blood.

No, I'm not making that part up.

Now that I'm older, I can understand the irony of the whole situation.

But inside me... Inside me there's an angry sixth grader who doesn't appreciate it.

He also F&%#ING hates green jello.


At 5:38 PM, Blogger Aen said...

My heart goes out to you, Dave.

Strange the things stress can do to you. If I hadn't become an expert at weaving webs of lies, I would have been in the same situation.

At 5:54 PM, Blogger FerrariF50 said...

I'm not lying when I say this, I did the same thing in 6th-7th grade. I'd fake stomach aches and stay home and watch T.V./play Unreal Tournament. Then in 7th grade I got two stomach ulcers and was in and out of the hospital about 8-9 times for tests and a procedure where they take a long tube with a camera, and stick it all the way down to your stomach. Fun shit. Oh and the best one was where they wanted to monitor you over night so they would take another tube with a sensor on the end and stick it in through your nose down to your stomach...24 hours of that.

But your case sounded a lot worse.

At 6:20 PM, Blogger Drekal said...

Eleven years back, I had a bad experience with an IV too. I was in for appendicitis.

So they go to put the needle into the back of my hand, having used a local anaesthetic. As I discovered that day, and proved recently when I went in for an unrelated procedure involving a local, that shit doesn't work well on me. They started putting the needle in, and I damn well felt that son of a bitch.

They have some difficulty, and try the left hand. Then they have even more trouble, and go back to the right hand again.

At 7:32 PM, Blogger Alison the Amazing Thief said...

I guess I'm a really twisted woman because I laughed over the IV spurting story harder than I think I've ever laughed at one of your stories and I do a lot of giggling. I hate needles. I felt your pain.

Once a nurse made me pass out and stop breathing by putting in and IV. It hurt! Well that and I was already messed up from the anesthesiologist who messed me all up with too much whatever he did. True story!

Don't worry, I started breathing again in case you were worried I was a ghost typer. Now that would be impressive.

At 9:02 PM, Blogger Sean said...

IV stories, eh? I have one. Somewhat recent, as a matter of fact. It happened about a year ago. So, there I was, at my house, minding my own business. My stomach starts hurting a bit, but I think no big deal. Then my feet start to fall asleep. Then my legs. Then my arms. At this point, I know something is really wrong, so I call up 911. By the time they get there, I'm finding it hard to breathe. Turns out I'm going into shock, so they try and hook up an I.V. to give me Epiphedrine. Once, twice, three... four times. Five. They can't get it in, and I'm fucking dying. Six... seven... I can barely feel anythign anymore. Finally one of the paramedics grabs an Epi-Pen and slams it into my leg, because they couldn't get the damned IV working. If it wasn't for that guy, I would have died.

At 11:34 PM, Blogger David said...

The guy offering the menu (when the delivered meal was never going to change) seems to be your role model for serving up food to Jormy... Only you're offering the menu to the meals not the Dragon.

At 10:00 AM, Blogger Kenny said...

Yea, and each time Jormy bitchs, "Another n00b? I FUCKING WANTED STEAK!"

At 12:06 PM, Blogger RamblingDreamer said...

I had my gall bladder out when I was 17 (15 years ago, for those that want to do the math), and the next day was scheduled to go home (it went really well). The nurse had put the IV in my forearm, which kept it out of the way and didn't make me worry about bending my elbow (I'm always afraid some ripping/blood spurting will ensue). They had taken the tube off and just left the nub (capped) in my arm. It was taped down with this REALLY sticky clear tape. Well, they forgot to remove it before releasing me. I was sitting on the hospital bed waiting for them to come take it out, and the nurse was just like "Okay, bye!" I got her attention before she left the room and showed her the stub.

She made a really pissed off face (she was a total bitch), grabbed the nub (tape and all), and TWISTED. She wrenched the thing side to side, twisting and bending at the same time to get the tape to let loose. I stared down at my arm in horror as she did this, and continued to watch with my mouth hanging open as she tried (with much difficulty - surprise, surprise) to stop the bleeding when she finally got it out.

Then, I could only shudder and be glad that they had used some kind of flexible needle.

Still gives me the chills, even now. I wish I had punched her in the face.

At 5:02 PM, Blogger quinn said...

i lied and got out of a couple weeks of school saying i was being bullied. no repercussions. you win on time, i win on no ulcers

At 11:15 PM, Blogger Army said...

Hey Dave, just lettin' ya know I appreciate the blog! Great work, always very funny

At 11:04 PM, Blogger Ima Robot said...

I did something like that when I was a kid, earlier than you though. I faked headaches, terrible, terrible headaches. I had cat-scans. The whole deal. Now as an adult, when I get headaches, they are terrible, terrible headaches. Retribution is a bitch isn't it Dave?


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