Theme Week - [GM]Dave's Childhood - Vol. 7To bring this lovely theme week to a close, there was really only one story I could tell.
So far, I've related funny stories and embarrassing stories. I've talked about friends and games and whatever else came to mind.
I haven't yet told you about the worst thing I ever did.
The Arthur thing?
Nah. As bad as that story sounds, Arthur could be quite a dick.
No, no. The worst thing I ever did was epic in both length and scope.
*ominous crash of thunder*
I was in grade 6. The school year had just started and because of classes being reassigned, I was in a class away from all of my friends.
This, of course, meant I hated school.
I was already far enough ahead of my class that school was boring me to tears. Taking my friends away was just adding insult to injury.
After a few weeks of trudging through my days, I decided I'd had enough of school.
So... I started playing sick.
I started complaining of terrible, terrible stomach pain.
A day here, a day there.
Then a few days at a time.
Then a week.
You might be wondering how exactly I got away with this.
I committed myself to the role. I cried and threw up.
I even spent hours in the hospital while my parents explained the situation to concerned doctors.
Yeah. I took this shit seriously.
Then each morning, I would stay home and play video games with the volume turned down. That way my mom wouldn't hear me.
This went on for two months.
It was perfect.
Well... Perfect except for one thing.
I was still pretty young and still, at that point, subject to a conscience. Each and every lie weighed heavy on me and cause me a lot of stress.
The stress just got worse and worse as time went by. I was so certain they'd figure it out and I'd be in a world of trouble.
Do you know what stress does?
Stress causes ulcers.
Yeah. I was probably the only eleven year old in the world to develop three stomach ulcers.
I faked stomach aches for so long that I developed ulcers that caused stomach pain.
It seems God is not without a sense of irony.
I went from faking symptoms to having my stomach turned inside out. Every day, I was in excruciating pain.
This lead to me spending two weeks in a children's hospital.
Man, that was a fun two weeks.
I remember the time they tried to put my IV in.
See, I had a severe aversion to needles. I hated the friggin' things.
So, when the nurse came in and told me they were going to stick a needle in the back of my hand, you can understand that I was not the calmest individual.
There was much screaming.
They stuck the first one in and pulled the needle portion out. This, as you might expect, sent blood spurting over my bed.
Nurse>> We're not getting enough flow.
Dave>> ENOUGH FLOW?!
Dave>> There's blood spraying over half the bed!
Dave>> Is this a distance competition or something?!
She ended up having to try THREE more times. By the end, my bed looked like a scene from a horror movie.
Nurse>> That wasn't so bad.
If it weren't for the blood loss, I'd have punched her in the face.
The whole two weeks were a living hell.
Every morning, EVERY MORNING, they brought me a new menu. It was a little green card that had meal choices and you could pick what you wanted that day.
I would spend a great deal of time on that card, sculpting exquisite meals.
And then, every meal, they'd bring me the same damned thing. Special K for breakfast, toast for lunch, and some strange mystery meat for supper.
Let's not forget the lime jello.
Every freakin' meal. Lime jello.
Apparently, ulcer patients are put on a special menu.
Apparently, no one mentioned this to the guy who BROUGHT ME A MENU EVERY DAY!
That's just plain cruel.
And I know cruel.
This went on for two weeks.
Except for the IV day.
My menu was soaked in blood.
No, I'm not making that part up.
Now that I'm older, I can understand the irony of the whole situation.
But inside me... Inside me there's an angry sixth grader who doesn't appreciate it.
He also F&%#ING hates green jello.