Theme Week - [GM]Dave's Childhood Vol. 1The Beginning
I was a calm child.
I know, I know. Given my record of outbursts and violence, you wouldn't have guessed that.
Yeah, I was pretty calm.
Then one night, my parents and I went to a movie. As we were leaving, we were confronted by a mugger. My parents tried to protect me, but he shot them. It was then that I vowed to...
That's not me.
Honestly, the beginning of [GM]Dave was a very boring one. I was a regular kid who did regular things. I rode my bike and hung out with my friends. I read those book things.
Then one fateful morning, my parents got me an Atari.
For the young people in the crowd, the Atari was a game console before the Nintendo.
Yes, there was a BEFORE Nintendo.
I loved that damned Atari. Missile Command, QBert, whatever.
I played them all.
Admittedly, the graphics were not the best.
This is an actual screenshot from an Atari game
That's a dragon.
But that didn't matter to me. I played those games and lived those lives.
I fought off alien invaders.
I ran through jungles and jumped over pits.
I did... Whatever the hell it was that QBert did.
Then one day something terrible happened, something horrendous.
My mother bought me a new game.
I know what you're thinking. How could my mother buying me a new game possibly be so horrible?
The Atari fans in the crowd know exactly what I'm about to say.
My mother bought me E.T., the Extra Terrestrial.
If you've never played the game before, you could download an emulator and play it.
Or you could save some time and just beat yourself senseless with a ball peen hammer.
I would suggest the hammer. Physical scars heal quicker.
E.T., the Extra Terrestrial set new standards in both:
a) terrible, terrible games
b) horribly redundant titles
Purchasing this game for a child is now, thankfully, grounds to have your children taken away by social services.
Unfortunately, I was not so lucky.
I shoved that cartridge of the damned in my Atari and hit the power button.
That was the day my childhood ended.
To this day, I have no idea what that game was about.
I'd seen the movie. I understood the movie. I do not, however, remember the part where E.T. falls into randomly placed holes and then levitates out of them.
Not many people can recall the exact moment when they first started to really hate everything.
It was the twenty seventh time I fell into one of those damned holes.
Every time I feed a retard to Jormy, every damned time, I'm reminded of the empty hole left in my soul.
A hole created by E.T., the Extra Terrestrial.
I then fill that hole with Jack Daniel's.
What? Fighting crime looks damned hard.