Theme Week - [GM]Dave's Childhood Vol. 3I've never really told anyone this story. As a matter of fact, Susan hadn't even heard it until earlier today.
Let's keep it between us, okay?
When I was a kid, there wasn't a lot to do in my neighborhood. My friends and I had to find things to do.
This is code for "we got into trouble".
One of our favorite things to do was to raid a certain neighbors crab apple tree.
I know. This doesn't sound that entertaining.
It gets considerably more exciting when that neighbor has a gun and a short temper.
What can I say? We weren't bright.
So one night, we waited until dark and went to his yard. Everything was perfectly quiet and it looked like the coast was clear.
Rather than simply climbing the tree (which would probably have been much more intelligent), we decided to start by throwing things into the tree to knock some crab apples down.
I should point out that we weren't doing this for the crab apples. We didn't even like the things. We'd steal as much as we could carry and then dump them somewhere down the street.
We just had fun stealing them.
And not getting shot.
That was an important part.
Getting shot would definitely have decreased the fun.
So, we're throwing stuff into the tree. I noticed the neighbor's kid has left one of those big, plastic bats in the yard.
This was immediately thrown into the tree.
Where it became stuck.
See, if they came out in the morning and saw the bat in the tree, that would take all the fun out of it. The entire point was for them not to find out.
A large, red plastic bat may not look like a naturally occurring event.
We had to get the bat down.
Unfortunately, this is the exact moment the lights came on in the house and people started moving around. They didn't come out, but it made climbing the tree too risky an option.
We needed a plan.
My friends and I split into two groups. Several of the guys went around one side of the house to look for tools (read: shit to throw into the tree) and my friend Ian and I went around the corner to come up with a plan.
Ian was THAT friend. You know, the friend that just leads you into doing very, very stupid things.
Every story from my childhood begins with "Ian and I..." and ends with "... And then someone went to the hospital."
Or "... And someone was bleeding."
Or that one time "... And then she got pregnant."
We don't talk about that one.
That last one was a joke, but I think you get my point.
Ian and I set to work making a plan. We ran through our available tools and materials, and then considered our objects.
After some very careful planning, we devised an idea.
We decided to throw a rock into the tree.
In our defense, it was a very large rock.
It actually took two of us to throw it into the tree. We picked it up, counted and then threw it into the tree.
Luck was on our side. The rock sailed straight up and dislodged the bat.
Unfortunately, the rock then hit a branch and went sideways.
And that's the exact moment one of our other friends, Arthur, came around the corner to see how things were going.
I can't really describe the sound it made when the rock hit him on the head.
The closest I've ever come to describing it is the sound of an empty Pepsi can being used to crack an egg.
I'm not sure if Arthur was the can or the egg.
I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter.
Anyway, Arthur gets smacked in the face by Stone IV. He immediately crashes to the ground and I am instantly aware that he is dead.
Oh, don't worry. He wasn't dead.
I figured that out when I noticed that he was still breathing.
Also, the loud, piercing screams helped.
Something about not being able to feel his legs.
That's not a joke. He actually screamed that.
Because of his screaming, more lights suddenly came on and we could hear our neighbors on their way out.
Given the situation, we knew there was only one thing left to do...
We ran like muthaf&%#ers.
Oh... It gets worse.
After about two seconds, we both realized Arthur knew who we were. We had to go back.
So... We ran back, grabbed Arthur's screaming body and ran down the street.
In retrospect, it might have been better if we had grabbed his arms.
Instead, we grabbed his ankles and dragged him down the street.
Did I mention he was still screaming?
When we stopped (eventually), we managed to calm him down and explain to him that his legs were just fine.
When he felt a little better, we walked him home. Ian and I figured that he probably had a concussion (though we did throw around words like "broken" and "skull") and would need to go to a hospital or something.
But he looked okay.
Everything was okay.
We took him into his house and then walked him inside. His parents were sat in the kitchen and they looked at us a little confused.
Then Arthur walked into the kitchen.
As soon as the light hit his face, his body went limp and he fell forward. He fell straight to the floor stopping just long enough to smash his face into the kitchen table.
I really wish I was making this up.
His parents freaked out and started yelling. The ran from their chairs and tried to help him up.
Ian and I did the only thing we could think of.
We got the hell out of there.
They looked like they had it all under control.
Ian and I just walked home.
And Arthur went to the hospital.
I REALLY wish I was making this up.