Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Theme Week - [GM]Dave's Childhood Vol. 3

I've never really told anyone this story. As a matter of fact, Susan hadn't even heard it until earlier today.

Let's keep it between us, okay?

When I was a kid, there wasn't a lot to do in my neighborhood. My friends and I had to find things to do.

This is code for "we got into trouble".

One of our favorite things to do was to raid a certain neighbors crab apple tree.

I know. This doesn't sound that entertaining.

It gets considerably more exciting when that neighbor has a gun and a short temper.

What can I say? We weren't bright.

So one night, we waited until dark and went to his yard. Everything was perfectly quiet and it looked like the coast was clear.

Rather than simply climbing the tree (which would probably have been much more intelligent), we decided to start by throwing things into the tree to knock some crab apples down.

I should point out that we weren't doing this for the crab apples. We didn't even like the things. We'd steal as much as we could carry and then dump them somewhere down the street.

We just had fun stealing them.

And not getting shot.

That was an important part.

Getting shot would definitely have decreased the fun.

So, we're throwing stuff into the tree. I noticed the neighbor's kid has left one of those big, plastic bats in the yard.

This was immediately thrown into the tree.

Where it became stuck.



See, if they came out in the morning and saw the bat in the tree, that would take all the fun out of it. The entire point was for them not to find out.

A large, red plastic bat may not look like a naturally occurring event.

We had to get the bat down.

Unfortunately, this is the exact moment the lights came on in the house and people started moving around. They didn't come out, but it made climbing the tree too risky an option.

We needed a plan.

My friends and I split into two groups. Several of the guys went around one side of the house to look for tools (read: shit to throw into the tree) and my friend Ian and I went around the corner to come up with a plan.

Ian was THAT friend. You know, the friend that just leads you into doing very, very stupid things.

Every story from my childhood begins with "Ian and I..." and ends with "... And then someone went to the hospital."

Or "... And someone was bleeding."

Or that one time "... And then she got pregnant."

We don't talk about that one.

That last one was a joke, but I think you get my point.

Ian and I set to work making a plan. We ran through our available tools and materials, and then considered our objects.

After some very careful planning, we devised an idea.

We decided to throw a rock into the tree.


In our defense, it was a very large rock.

It actually took two of us to throw it into the tree. We picked it up, counted and then threw it into the tree.

Luck was on our side. The rock sailed straight up and dislodged the bat.


Unfortunately, the rock then hit a branch and went sideways.


And that's the exact moment one of our other friends, Arthur, came around the corner to see how things were going.

I can't really describe the sound it made when the rock hit him on the head.

The closest I've ever come to describing it is the sound of an empty Pepsi can being used to crack an egg.

I'm not sure if Arthur was the can or the egg.

I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter.

Anyway, Arthur gets smacked in the face by Stone IV. He immediately crashes to the ground and I am instantly aware that he is dead.

Oh, don't worry. He wasn't dead.

I figured that out when I noticed that he was still breathing.

Also, the loud, piercing screams helped.

Something about not being able to feel his legs.

That's not a joke. He actually screamed that.

Because of his screaming, more lights suddenly came on and we could hear our neighbors on their way out.

Given the situation, we knew there was only one thing left to do...

We ran like muthaf&%#ers.

Oh... It gets worse.

After about two seconds, we both realized Arthur knew who we were. We had to go back.

So... We ran back, grabbed Arthur's screaming body and ran down the street.

In retrospect, it might have been better if we had grabbed his arms.

In retrospect.

Instead, we grabbed his ankles and dragged him down the street.

Did I mention he was still screaming?

When we stopped (eventually), we managed to calm him down and explain to him that his legs were just fine.

When he felt a little better, we walked him home. Ian and I figured that he probably had a concussion (though we did throw around words like "broken" and "skull") and would need to go to a hospital or something.

But he looked okay.

Everything was okay.

We took him into his house and then walked him inside. His parents were sat in the kitchen and they looked at us a little confused.

Then Arthur walked into the kitchen.

As soon as the light hit his face, his body went limp and he fell forward. He fell straight to the floor stopping just long enough to smash his face into the kitchen table.

I really wish I was making this up.

His parents freaked out and started yelling. The ran from their chairs and tried to help him up.

Ian and I did the only thing we could think of.

We got the hell out of there.

They looked like they had it all under control.

Ian and I just walked home.

And Arthur went to the hospital.


I REALLY wish I was making this up.


At 7:42 PM, Blogger GreatMno said...

You can't make stuff like this up, especially at the end when he hit his head.

At 7:47 PM, Blogger Christopher said...

I want to know what happened after this took place.

At 7:57 PM, Blogger Will said...

the crazy shit that you got yourself into reminds me of a time an old friend of mine and myself used to go and try to build ramps for skating. Usually, it ended up us running from the cops after being caught for stealing lumber from a construction site.

Laughed my ass off at your story

At 8:07 PM, Blogger Aen said...

Hmm, similar thing happened to me as a kid. Pretty much identical circumstances. Except I was Arthur.

On an unrelated note, chicks dig facial scars.

At 8:53 PM, Blogger itsshinzo said...

Dear Dave,

I say that, because it's polite.

I don't mean you're dear to me in anyway, because you're not.

I'm not gay, and I'm sure you're not either.

But during my drunken rampages, I like to read your blog, and you seem to have this wierd obsession with making me go 'LOL' at some points.

But I just signed up for an account here in the hope I'd be able to PM you, which apparantly I can't.

Either that, or I'm just to retarded to figured out how these blogs work.

But the question I have is this -

What is the average highest donator amount?

You see, I have an awesome idea for a theme week, and I'd be willing to pay to see it happen, thus why I'm posting this message.

You see, we'll both get something out of this.

You'll get money.

I'll get giggles.

And as a bonus, I won't get fed to a dragon, as I don't even play FF anymore.

I play WoW.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

Are you up for the challenge?

You may contact me at: inmeshinzo@gmail.com

And yes, stupid of me to post my email here, which is why I will be requiring some form of proof before I rape your higest donater, and bend you to my nefarious will.

Gogo Dave, if you have the nuts. Which I don't think you do.

At 9:16 PM, Blogger itsshinzo said...

Also, to lazy to keep checking back, so making this post purely so I can get replys sent to my email =p

At 9:45 PM, Blogger Lissuh said...

Ahahaha. Man, I wish there was interesting enough people in my neighborhood for that. Unfortunately, there isn't.

At 9:55 PM, Blogger jax said...

Haha... not nearly as exciting, but in my childhood I was one of those uncoordinated types - the ones that when they actually 'relied' on their unco-ness, it deserted them.

I was walking in the bush next to my house one fine afternoon with my best mate. Walking along, he decided to go at a faster pace than I was prepared to. To play a joke on him, I threw a rock - I knew I was unco, so I figured that if I aimed at his head it would probably miss by a mile.

It... didn't miss. At all. Sconned him square in the back of the head and put him down for a couple minutes.

I learnt a very important lesson that day. The best way to ensure the rock doesn't hit the head is to not throw the rock at all. ~___~

At 10:28 PM, Blogger TallWhiteNinja said...

This story feels...unresolved...kind of curious as to how much brain damage the kid ended up with.

At 11:19 PM, Blogger Nik said...

Is Ian the same friend who jumped down the stairs in college to break his arm to get out of a test?
I recall that story also began with '(Friend's name) and I...'

At 1:37 AM, Blogger Pim said...

Ahh, childhood memories filled with pain.


This story reminds me of the time I got run over by a horse at full speed. I don't recall much about the why and how, just that it happened.

Also, do you know how difficult walking can be when there's a nice big hoofprint on the back of your leg?

At 2:42 AM, Blogger Matthew said...

i loled at stone iv..... lol it just tickled me lol

At 7:36 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

Man, childhood pain... it brings back memories. Reminds me of the time I had JUST gotten a new bike, and decided to ride it home.

Problem was, it had hand brakes.

Also, it was my first bike to have hand brakes.

You all probably know where I'm going with this, don't you?

Yep, I crashed. Hit the hand brakes to try them out at one point. I ended up going right over the damn handlebars and hitting the concrete.

Luckily, my face broke my fall. Ended up getting my two front teeth capped for that. On the plus side, I got out of school for 3 days because of it. Huzzah!

At 10:17 AM, Blogger Kyle said...


At 11:06 AM, Blogger Dyamalos said...

I've hit my sister in the head with a rock before (trying to splash her in the creek, but she bent down at the wrong time so it was completely her fault.)

Behind my grandmothers house there is this really steep road. The best part is that one side there was a barbed wire fence, the other was a steep drop off into trees.

Can only get better right? Sure, one time my friend (Still on training wheels at the time) drove strait into the barbed wire fence. He was fine... Then started screaming when he noticed his knee bleeding.

Best part was another time, I followed my sister up the road (me on foot, her on her bike) And she started coming down, so I ran in the other direction.

She kept yelling at me to get out of the way (trying to keep me away from the fence, but I would have rather been next to the fence than the drop off) so I ended up directly in front of her. The wheel of her bike hit me in the back of my ankle, she -flew- over my head and landed no less than 10 feet away.

She had to get a brace for her wrist and I couldn't walk for a week.

fun times...

At 11:46 AM, Blogger wai said...

On the subject of stupid things you did as kids, my best friend and one of his other friends once decided to do some rather crazy things with a trampoline.

Like jumping onto the trampoline from the roof of his house.



My best friend hit the trampoline and went flying off onto the ground.

His friend hit the trampoline and it bounced him back up onto the roof. (o_o)

At 12:26 PM, Blogger Music-chan said...

Wow, I actually laughed out loud at that story.


At 12:45 PM, Blogger Foo said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 1:20 PM, Blogger Ricardo said...

so what happened to Arthur?

At 1:20 PM, Blogger Foo said...

Sorry, posted a bad link to the Davesecretary stories. The original link was missing a lot of the later ones.

At 1:21 PM, Blogger Church said...

You know what else stolen crab apples are good for? Slinging.. and not by hand. You take a wooden mop handle and cut a short piece off, wrap some string around a screw and screw it into a flat end of the handle. At the other end of the string you tie a nail, place apple onto nail and sling the crap out of it. As a side note, apples slung from previously mentioned device hurt. Alot.

As for childhood pain, I broke my spine, and yet have no idea when or how.

At 12:20 AM, Blogger Kenny said...

I never got anything that complicated to fling apples. I just got a pokey stick and poked the apple. They still hurt like a bitch when you got hit by them.

At 8:22 AM, Blogger semele said...

Now he's a little bit "special"?


At 1:58 PM, Blogger David Allan said...

You know, it's only funny until someone get's hurt. Then it's hilarious. xD


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