Thursday, October 09, 2008

What... The... F&%#?

It's not that I don't understand merchandise aimed at the gamer community.

We make pretty easy targets.

All you have to do is take some mildly interesting product, give it a barely plausible video game connection, and slap a price tag on it.

We will buy it.

Hell, you can make two versions. As long as one of them has a hologram or something, we'll pay extra.

I personally own several bottles of FFXII potion.

This potion really doesn't do anything.

It's just a drink.

They know that.

I know that.

And yet, I still bought it.

I'd drink it, but those are collector bottles.

They're special.

I know that because I paid extra.

But the whole process wasn't insulting. It was perfectly obvious that everyone involved understood the situation.

This?

This is insulting.

See, collector's items are supposed to feed your love for a certain franchise.

They're not supposed to feed people who are too stupid to order pizza.

What is the entire point of this product?

It's a "performance snack."

Performance.

Snack.

Do those words really belong in the same sentence?

Maybe it's just a joke. I mean they'd never claim that this product would have any actual effect...

Gamer Grub is a great tasting snack that boosts your core gaming systems—such as visual input, cognitive processing, signal transmission and muscle reflexes. Scientifically formulated with essential nutrients and vitamins, Gamer Grub provides a healthy, great tasting snack mix that supports fast reaction times for maximum gaming performance. Eat well and prosper.

I swear to God, that's a real quote from their site.

It's under the link marked "Science."

I put the quotes there, but only because it seemed like an insult to science if I didn't.

Does it really take a "scientist" to figure out that food increases your ability to perform actions?

Isn't that the exact purpose of food?

And what basis did they use for thinking this product would be well accepted?

They gave out free samples.

Who the hell wouldn't take a free sample?

It's free food. You give anyone free food and they're going to tell you it's good.

I always tell the sample lady at the supermarket that I'm going to buy whatever it is she's selling. Then I take my free sample, eat it, and walk the hell away.

This should probably not fill her with a sense of purpose.

Listen... I realize that gamers make up a large and very attractive market. We are connected and we have a lot of disposable cash.

And we're just waiting to buy whatever you throw at us.

We're an easy sell.

Do you know what we're not?

We're not retarded.

This is the exact kind of product that seems perfect for gamers to someone who knows nothing about gamers.

We don't fall for this type of shit.

Honestly, I'm very insulted. I'm insulted on behalf of the entire gaming community.

If you want to sell us a product, do some actual market research. Design an honest product that will help us perform better in a measurable, quantifiable way that is both creative and interesting.

Or slap a hologram on there.

21 Comments:

At 7:45 PM, Blogger R_Mc said...

First

and WTF?

 
At 8:23 PM, Blogger MinorAgentofChaos said...

echoing that WTF??

Though I can see this crap playing into the self-delusion of hardcore male gamers that they're super-studly because they're can beat a stupid game...

Never underestimate the capacity of human self-delusion.

 
At 8:27 PM, Blogger Lissuh said...

Can't you see that we're nutrient deficient? We need HARDCORE FOODZ to fuel our HARDCORE HEALTH NEEDS.

Gosh.

... I hate people in the food industry now.

 
At 8:57 PM, Blogger Orugachino said...

You know, I almost feel stupider due to that message, but the truth had to be revealed, I suppose.

Action Pizza? Racing Wasabi? Strategy Chocolate? Sports PB&J?!
WTF!!!

Slay me, oh gods of gaming, for Gaming Heaven must be a better place.

 
At 9:05 PM, Blogger Dustin said...

WTF!?!?

Action Pizza??!!?
Racing Wasabi?!?!!?
Strategy Chocolate!??!!?
Sports PB&J!?!?!?!?!


You have to really be kidding me... I think I'm going to find a corner somewhere and let a little piece of me die inside.

 
At 9:58 PM, Blogger RurouniZanza said...

"Eat Well and Prosper"... I knew this sounded familiar.

"Live Long and Prosper" Quote sounds familiar?

Just slap a dude doing a Vulcan salute on the bottle why don't you?

This really doesn't help the whole stereotype people have about gamers you know... What's next? Gaming Steroids?

I can see it already, it's going to be called G'roids

 
At 10:19 PM, Blogger Sword said...

You know what that Gamer Grub container looks like. It looks like a FRIGGIN CHEETOES CONTAINER WITH A NEW LABEL ON IT!

 
At 10:54 PM, Blogger jax said...

Does it really take a "scientist" to figure out that food increases your ability to perform actions?

Isn't that the exact purpose of food?


I lol'd at that one. Common sense goes out the window when profit's involved. :P

 
At 11:01 PM, Blogger Matthew said...

this reminds me of brondo from idiocracy......."but its got electrolites!" great movie, watch it sometime... it will make you cry because of things like this lol

 
At 5:31 AM, Blogger ShadowCaster said...

..........

just...

..........

wow....

What the hell people? who the hell wants to eat a liquid PB&J or a liquid Pizza...??? Did they even really think this through? .. i mean.. just a LITTLE?

..no?

..........Figures.

 
At 7:52 AM, Blogger Nyxmyst said...

I have to admit.. the idea of "strategy chocolate" makes me giggle.

But wow.. that's a level of retarded rarely seen outside the special bus with the kids that lick the windows.

 
At 9:41 AM, Blogger RamblingDreamer said...

I find 'strategy chocolate' the most amusing, myself. Isn't there something about chocolate releasing endorphins that are similar to the ones released when you're in love? I don't know about anyone else, but I didn't do most of my strategic planning while on a love high.

That might be just me, though.

 
At 12:21 PM, Blogger Bufuman said...

Old news to me. Penny Arcade did a comic about this last week, with much the same reaction you had, Dave.

http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2008/10/3/

Doesn't make this "Gamer Grub" any less WTF-worthy though. These people need to get kicked in the teeth.

 
At 12:26 PM, Blogger Kyle said...

Chocolate,
PB&J,
Pizza?

Okay, I guess?

Wasabi?!? How are my watering eyes and uncontrollable sniffling going help me snipe noobs?

 
At 12:35 PM, Blogger nita said...

@shadowcaster: where in the world did you get the idea that this is a liquid form? it's a trail mix type of snack, not some liquid goo.

 
At 12:40 PM, Blogger Music-chan said...

It's like, if there was some sort of FF-based snack, people would buy it (aka, the potions) Or if Blizzard started selling "mana biscuits", people would buy it. It's the specific franchises gamers are interested in, not generic shit like this.

 
At 3:52 PM, Blogger Tansunn said...

Ingredients: Peanuts, Peanut Butter Chips, Strawberry Jelly Chips, Bread Cubes

What the hell is a jelly chip? Are those bread cubes actually going to be bread, or rock hard stale crap, like bland flavorless croutons?

...I'd actually be willing to try the pizza and chocolate blends, though. Screw the marketing, I like chocolate and cherries, and I'm intrigued by the idea of a "mozzarella peanut" not being greasy.

 
At 7:33 PM, Blogger Canci said...

I lol'd :P

 
At 4:10 AM, Blogger frodokid said...

I would still buy one just for teh lulz tho

 
At 9:45 PM, Blogger Dorian Mode said...

At last; the culinary equivalent of vaporware. You did notice that it doesn't actually exist as a product for sale, right?

"We plan to begin selling Gamer Grub both in retail stores and online during the first part of 2009."
-- from the "Grubsphere" page.

Translation: "Real soon." Just like the overdue bug fix long-ago announced for [insert name of software here].

Oh, and ... Dave? Much very nice work lately. You continue to ... well ... rock. May your spectrum always spread.

 
At 1:07 AM, Blogger J. Scarper said...

Retarded.

This has just GOT to be the most compelling story about retards I've ever read here.

 

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