Friday, October 17, 2008

Theme Week - [GM]Dave's Childhood Vol. 6

Man, this has been a long week.

Who knew digging through your deepest, darkest memories would be so exhausting?

And this is just the stuff I haven't been able to erase through excessive drinking.

Still, as much work as this has been, I must say I've enjoyed the trip down memory lane. It's kind of fun remembering all the trouble I got into.

And on we go...

I already told you how I got my first NES.

What I didn't tell you about is what happened afterwards.

Oh, don't get excited. It was nothing bad.

Given the method in which I obtained my ill-gotten system, I was a little out of luck when it came to getting more games. I was pretty much stuck with the old Super Mario Bros./Duckhunt game that came with it.

You'd think I would have gotten bored eventually.

You'd be wrong.

I played the hell out of that game.

And as much fun as Mario was, you can only spend so much time running around stomping on turtles before it gets a little repetitive.

Run, run, run, jump. Run, run, run, turtle. Run, run, run, flag.

Sure, I played it again and again and again, but it wasn't really Mario I focused my energy on.

It was Duckhunt.

I'm not sure what it is about being a young boy, but anything that says "Here's a gun. Shoot the shit out of stuff." is alright with us.

Those ducks didn't stand a chance. I spent so much time practicing, it was a little scary.

Sure, the first few games involved my pressing the zapper up against the screen and shooting them point blank, but still.

After a few months, I had honed my skills to a science.

All I needed was a man in black fleeing across a desert.

If you didn't understand that reference, shame on you.

Once I tired of shooting ducks, I moved on to the clay pidgeon shooting range.

I would put the zapper in my holster (read: pocket) and wait until the pidgeons were just about to fly out of range.

Then I would blow them to pieces.

I was good.

Damned good.

Then, at the height of my training, I challenged my father.

I almost laughed as he held the gun for the first time. He looked so awkward holding it.

Ten minutes later, he set the zapper down and walked away.


He'd beaten me.

Standing there, defeated, I set my mind on one goal: beating my father.

I made it my mission to destroy him.

Destroy him at Nintendo.

What? I was young?

If I had anything better to do, I would have been doing it.

I spent weeks working. My hands became trained weapons.

Okay, I'm being melodramatic. My hands were pretty fast.

When I felt I was ready, I challenged him again.

And got my ass handed to me again.

Half way through our game, he said he had to use the bathroom. Then, he walked away.


He really left me with no choice.

When he came back from the bathroom, he found me smiling.

No, no. This story doesn't involve a pellet gun.

Though, that would have been AWESOME.

But I was ready for him.

He grabbed the zapper and prepared for another round of shooting ducks out of the air.

Then his duck had a seizure.

Seriously, the duck was flying all over the place. He was jittering like a three year old on speed.

Dad couldn't even get close.

When my turn came, the duck returned back to his normal, steady flight patterns.

It was too easy.

Dad took the zapper out of my hand for his turn.

And the duck freaked out again.

Dad>> What the heck?!
Dad>> What is going on with my duck?
Dave>> I don't know what you mean.
Dad>> He's having a fit or something.
Dad>> LOOK AT HIM!!!
Dad>> He didn't do that for you.
Dave>> Maybe it's a glitch or something.

Then he tried to shoot that dog.

In my Dad's defense, that dog is an asshole.

After a few games, my Dad threw the zapper down in disgust and stomped out of the room saying something about an epileptic duck and that friggin' dog.

It's funny... He wasn't whistling.

That made me smile.

In the end, I learned two very important things:

1) if you put your mind to it, you can overcome any obstacle

2) the NES control pad actually controls the duck


At 7:50 PM, Blogger Aen said...

"Then the duck had a seizure."


I did the same thing to my brother, when we played. However, he caught on to my game.

At 8:26 PM, Blogger Matthew said...

lol i remember that damnable powerglove, my father trying to program it and get it working and me playing mario with the pad, he thinks it is programmed and i get yelled at for screwing with him lol

At 8:28 PM, Blogger Church said...

Dave has proved his awesomeness time and time again.

Then he throws in a DT reference.... How has the world not imploded in your awesome?

At 8:48 PM, Blogger Tyler said...

I laughed quite hard at the end. That was a good one, [GM]Dave. Of course, when anyone here says that, we mean "better than your average awesomeness." Take no offense, I don't want to be fed to a Wyrm. >.<

At 10:32 PM, Blogger Amy said...

It took MONTHS for my little brother to realize I was making his duck have seizures. You are made of win, Dave, I only wish to be you if I ever grow up.

At 12:20 AM, Blogger Chris said...

As Pirelli said in that musical of musicals, Sweeney Todd: "I bow to a skill far defter than my own."

In all the years since I received that first NES as a gift on Christmas morning, never once have I ever realized that you could mess with the duck.

I am humbled sir. Truly humbled. Much as I was today on the Valkurm Dunes by a desert fucking rabbit.

At 1:27 AM, Blogger Paul said...

For you people talking about fooling your brothers, just let me preface my comment with this: I was the little brother. Good? Good.

THE CONTROL PAD MOVES THE DUCK?! How did I not know that? I feel shamed.

However, I still have my NES, Gun, Controllers (including two "turbo" controllers), and all my games in working condition. Does that make up for my horribly ignorance?

At 1:43 AM, Blogger Hulyen said...

Holy crap, you can control the duck?!


At 3:14 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

I too had no idea you could control the duck. AWESOME.

That does raise the question of why our parents were so freaking good at games, anyway. My own father could beat the original Super Mario Bros. in his sleep, while I could barely pass the first few worlds. And I played it like twice as much as he did! To be fair though, I was like 6 or 7.

At 6:05 AM, Blogger [GM]Dave said...

The trick is to not let them see you using the pad.

Put the control pad on the floor and use your toes to push the left and right buttons.

The duck goes insane.

You win and they die a little inside.

At 8:21 AM, Blogger Leanne said...

The line from The Gunslinger made me blink. No one reads The Dark Tower books. I tell them how great they are and their eyes glaze over because Stephen King=Horrific Gore and that's it.
Yeah, my comment has nothing to do with heart of the post. I'm just fixated on the fact that someone else read that series.

At 11:21 AM, Blogger Church said...

I've read the series, start to finish, with the original first version of the gunslinger, a few times.

I read a lot of Stephen King though.

I'm amazed so many people were unaware of the duck controlling abilities of the control pad.

At 1:19 PM, Blogger Pirre said...

1) duck control o__O

2) dark tower reference, holy ff'ing shit, Dave, seriously, this made you more awesome then a combination of bruce lee, chuck norris and mr T

At 2:27 PM, Blogger L.C.W. said...

"All I needed was a man in black fleeing across a desert."

Thank you sir for alluding to the greatest (and only good) book(s) ever written by SK.

At 11:36 PM, Blogger Inju said...

My dad is the only person in my house who could beat Mario. And he was really really addicted by Bomberman. He literally sat down on the couch every night and keep playing it.
Then the snes version came up. He practically stole my snes and play everyday. I hated it so much and I end up dipping the bomberman cartridge into the sink.

At 12:13 PM, Blogger RamblingDreamer said...

Leanne: I love that series (I'm a big SK nut, but it'd still be awesome even if I weren't). Drawing of the Three is my favorite. :)

I might have known at one time that you could control the duck, but if I ever did I've since forgotten.

Duck Hunt got pretty boring for me pretty fast. Turns out if you point at the middle of the screen, you can shoot the duck no matter where it is. A faint flick of the wrist (no more than a twitch, really), is about all it takes. Took the fun right out of it for me.

At 12:27 PM, Blogger Kyle said...

It's not cheating if you figure something out that's legitimate that the other guy just doesn't know.

At 3:01 PM, Blogger VLD said...

How did I not know about the d-pad controlling the duck?


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