By Popular Demand...Alternate Title: "Hell's current weather conditions... cold."
There are a few things that have always been a fundamental rule of FFXI. These are the undeniable, unshakable tenets upon which our little virtual world depends.
1) You will get your ass handed to you by a bunny/bee/flower
You will learn this on your very first day in Vana'diel.
Day freakin' one.
You equip a brand new weapon, run outside ready to fight the beastmen hoards, and get absolutely murdered in the face by the smallest, cuddliest animal you see.
Player>> Guess I'll warm up on a bunny.
Player>> Take THIS!
Player>> Wha... What are you...
Flarrggleblargh, by the way, is the sound of epic fail.
You know, the epic fail one might experienced as they die from being raped by a rabbit.
It's not pretty.
The bunnies are especially funny. No matter how high a level you reach, there's always a bunny somewhere waiting to kick your ass.
On a completely unrelated note, the devs are huge Monty Python fans.
2) Whatever you go to camp, someone else is already there
It doesn't matter what you're after.
If you're planning on camping an NM, somebody's already there camping it.
This is not even a question.
If you get there and someone is not already camping, then it means you're early.
Don't worry. They'll be back just in time to ruin your day.
Player>> Wow. I have the Argus camp all to myself.
Player>> No one else's even in the zone.
Player>> This is amazing.
Player>> This is incredible.
Player>> Where'd you come from?
NotPlayer>> What's that thing?
You cannot attack.
That target is already claimed.
If this does not occur to you, one of two things has happened:
a) you are very, very lucky
b) the mayans had it all wrong and the world is coming to an end
Actually, if this doesn't happen to you, then it means you just made it happen to someone else.
Remember: somebody has to be the other guy.
Might as well be you.
3) If you have been waiting forever for a piece of armor, it will always drop on the run you miss
This is called the Law of Dynamis.
You've been doing Dynamis twice a week for 3 years. You attend every run. You're always there.
In all that time, you have been waiting for that one important piece of gear.
It has never dropped.
Still, you attend every run.
Then, just before a run, your appendix gets inflamed and they have to rush you to the hospital just to keep you alive.
Guess what happens on that run you just missed.
That's what you get for being a pussy.
4) Galkas are ugly
5) There are no Nomad Moogles in Selbina or Mhaura
That second place doesn't matter. No one goes to Mhaura.
If you're in Mhaura, it means either:
a) you're lost
b) you're on your way somewhere else
c) you got lost on your way to somewhere else
Nope. That's it.
There's absolutely no point to go there.
It's like Delaware.
All of my readers from Delaware just stood up in a rage.
Then they looked around, nodded in grim acceptance, and sat back down.
But putting a Nomad Moogle in Selbina?
IS NOTHING SACRED?!
The entire point of Valkurm is that people go there to die in incredibly inconvenient ways.
Also, you have to run FOREVER to get there.
Whoops. You forgot your sword.
Say goodbye to a half an hour of your life.
It's funny. You spend levels 11-19 running to and from Valkurm.
Running, running, running.
Once you finally get high enough level that you don't need to spend all your time running, we finally give you a chocobo to ride.
Still, this has always been one of the fundamental ground rules of Vana'diel.
No Moogle in Selbina.
Oh, it's not that we didn't know you wanted it.
People send us suggestions every other day.
Why isn't there a Nomad Moogle in Selbina?
Gee, thanks for pointing that out. We never, EVER thought of that.
I am always careful to give a full and clear response.
Die in a fire.
Or my personal favorite...
Your mom's like a Nomad Moogle.
She'll give you any job you ask for.
I like that one.
I always thought this rule would never change. It was always just one of those things that players had to live with.
Also, it makes me giggle.
But then... Then the new version update notes came down.
And I died a little inside.
I'm all for making the game better for players (read: me), but that's just going too far.
Why don't we just hand you level 20 on a little silver platter?
Area: Valkurm Dunes.
System Message: You managed to walk here. Congratulations, you're now level 20.
I'll defend new weapons and new armor. I'll support new mission and quest changes.
But changes that reduce the general suffering of players?
That's just wrong.