Thursday, May 15, 2008

[GM]Dave Hates Strangers

This may surprise you, but little things piss me off.

A lot.

That is why I don't like people very much (read: That is why I HATE PEOPLE SO MUCH).

Every time I'm around people, someone always manages to find a way to anger me.

Some of you may be thinking that it's just me.

You'd be wrong.

It's everybody else.

Yes, I do tend to get incredibly pissed off by the stupidity of others. I admit that.

But who the hell wouldn't?

If you're not pissed off by the stupid shit that people do, then you're just not paying attention enough.

They're everywhere.

I'd call it a mass conspiracy, but I don't think these people would have the intellect to organize something like that.

I'm honestly surprised that some of them can even tie their own shoes.

Could you imagine a conference call?

Idiot1>> Ah! Everything is going as planned.
Idiot2>> Yes, we'll drive him insane soon enough.
Idiot1>> We should get Fred on the phone.
Idiot1>> He's in charge of phase 2.
Idiot1>> Shit... I hit the wrong button.
Idiot1>> Do you know how to make a conference call?
Idiot1>> ...
Idiot1>> Hello?
Idiot1>> ... Shit.

It'd be funny if it weren't so sad.

And probably true.

Just today, I was in the grocery store. I had to pick up a case of Red Bull.

This would be 1 item.

That's an important part of the story.

Because I only had 1 item, I went to the express line.

Ten items or less.

This is also an important part of the story.

Are you writing these down?

So, I'm waiting in the express ten items or less line when I notice the woman ahead of me.

Usually, if I notice a woman, it's because she's attractive.

This was not the case.

Actually, this was so far from being the case that it was a little frightening.

I actually checked her forehead for the white hand of Saruman.

No, I noticed this lady because she is in my express, ten items or less line with 16 items.


For those of you who may be unfamiliar with math, let me break it down for you: 16 is not less than or equal to 10.

From this, I can assume she is either:

a) in the wrong aisle

b) retarded

c) in the wrong aisle because she's retarded

d) trying to give me a brain tumor

I thought about saying something to her, but then realized how incredibly rude that would be. A reasonable man wouldn't say something to a person in this situation. He'd just let it go.

[GM]Dave>> Excuse me...
[GM]Dave>> Are you retarded?

Of course I had to talk to her. If I didn't let this shit out, I'd end up climbing a tower with a high power rifle.

Rifles are expensive.

Lady>> What did you say to me?!
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> Maybe I should use smaller words.
Lady>> How dare you?!
Lady>> Why would you say something like that?
[GM]Dave>> Do you know how much rifles cost?
Lady>> What?!
[GM]Dave>> Nothing.
[GM]Dave>> Nothing.
Lady>> What are you talking about?
[GM]Dave>> Are you too stupid to read the sign?
[GM]Dave>> Or too stupid to understand it?
[GM]Dave>> Or too stupid to do math?
[GM]Dave>> Seriously. Just pick one.
Lady>> I don't know what you mean.
[GM]Dave>> I will try to contain my surprise.
[GM]Dave>> This is the express lane.
Lady>> And?
[GM]Dave>> And the express lane is for people with 10 items or less.
[GM]Dave>> You should be in the aisle marked 16 items plus brain damage.
Lady>> I don't have 16 items.
[GM]Dave>> This should be good.
[GM]Dave>> How do you not have 16 items?
Lady>> I have three jars of peanut butter.
Lady>> That only counts as one item.
[GM]Dave>> ...
[GM]Dave>> I think my brain just died.
[GM]Dave>> Do me a favor: count the jars.
Lady>> There are three of them.
[GM]Dave>> So that would count as how many items?
Lady>> One.
[GM]Dave>> She's trying to communicate.
[GM]Dave>> I can tell.
Lady>> Three of the same thing counts as one item.
[GM]Dave>> First off, that's remarkably stupid.
[GM]Dave>> I mean like epic level stupid.
[GM]Dave>> Second, even if I were to accept this new math...
[GM]Dave>> You still have 14 items.
[GM]Dave>> Third...
[GM]Dave>> What the hell do you need three jars of peanut butter for?
Lady>> I've never been so insulted before!
[GM]Dave>> And you're tremendously ugly.
[GM]Dave>> How you feeling now?

Finally, she paid for her (16) purchases, turned with a huff, and stomped off.

I could finally relax.

Then I noticed the lady directly behind me.

12 items.

[GM]Dave>> Excuse me...


At 7:21 PM, Blogger Tim said...

lmao! i think they like you dave. they gravitate towards you. id get the rifle just in case.

At 7:35 PM, Blogger quinn said...

buy a tazer and say they tried to rape you. it is kinda funny imagining you at the grocery store being one of those old ladies harrasing people for to many items.

At 7:41 PM, Blogger dagger2003 said...

I admit ive done that before when there wer to many people with multiple cart fulls in the other lines... but you do have a very good point. You have inspired me to count other peoples items, thanks [GM] Dave!!

At 7:53 PM, Blogger Tim said...

Oh yes... one more thing.

You have inspired me to start a blog of my own here on blogger. I hope you stop by some time.

At 7:59 PM, Blogger Frog Prince said...

Oh god Dave, you're so obsessive it's not true. Don't get me wrong, you are correct, it took a surprising feat of stupidity to have 16 items in the "10 items or less" queue, but I'm just amazed you cared enough about what other people were doing to even notice.

At 8:44 PM, Blogger Jeff said...

If you want to see some really stupid things, come work at Wendy's for a week...

Customer>> I ordered my single with mayo only, and it has this white stuff on it, I think somebody came on my sandwich.
Employee>> Sir... that is mayo...
Customer>> Oh...
He walks off.

No joke, this actually happened once...

At 9:18 PM, Blogger Chris said...

"I don't wawnt thayt mayonnaise on mah tawko"

Bless you, Dave, for dealing with people far better than I ever could.

At 10:19 PM, Blogger Grenade71822 said...

I feel bad for the managers. They have to actually talk to the idiots and make them happy. I think a good shotgun is about 800$ or so. Haven't looked at any rifles lately.

At 10:36 PM, Blogger Justin (Wade) said...

First at the risk of Dave yelling at me.. I would like to point out.. you said 14 items left after the peanut butter.. 16-3=?

Second I know exactly what you mean about this Dave, I can understand the 1 Item over but you are right, 16 is ridiculous.

lastly(is that even a word), I've been along time reader of your blog and I must admit, it's great to meet someone more of a asshole then I am.

At 10:42 PM, Blogger Nik said...

Justin, you're retarded.
The woman was saying that two out of the three peanut butter jars didn't count.
One of those three still counted, so it would be fourteen.
You fail at life.

At 4:43 AM, Blogger Matthew said...

I work in food service like the Wendy's guy, and I had someone ask me what a cheddar burger is. When I told him it is a cheese burger, he still gave me a blank stare. Food service is ripe with morons.

At 5:58 AM, Blogger MinorAgentofChaos said...

Only 16? Only 12??

Dave, man, I should be so lucky.

Usually the retards have full loaded carts in said express line.

Though my favorite was the man who was trying to scan a bunch of grapes.

Yup. He was running grapes over the scanner and couldn't figure out why they wouldn't register.

At 6:43 AM, Blogger Bufuman said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 7:05 AM, Blogger Sechakecha said...

I love it when the cashiers are smart about it... I had one guy who had about 20-25 items in the 10 items or less (seriously, the belt was full, and he had more in his cart.) The cashier pulled everyone up that was in line in front of the guy, before he helped that guy, to not make anyone wait. It was great, the guy was soo pissed. I wish more cashiers did that.

At 2:32 PM, Blogger Laserx said...

Dave... I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry because I can relate. I am sad that I can relate for it causes me great pain, both mentally and physically.

At 3:34 PM, Blogger semele said...

I believe you are my slightly eviler twin. My husband and I were in WalMart (home of mutants - that we try to avoid as best as possible, but at 5am when your toilet overflows, they're the only place open carrying plungers) and the person in front of us in the express lane had 42 items. Since there was such a huge pile, we counted. Forty two!!! Holy hell. Unfortunately, if I'd not been so tired at it being 5am with an overflowing toilet, I'd have gone to buy a rifle (I think WalMart sells them) and shot him right then.

At 11:35 PM, Blogger Holden said...

This is the best post I have seen. I love how most people say there are no signs, then I point at the one on top of my register. After they say it's "too small," I point to the huge one further out.
I once had a guy with 44 items. 44. Also, today was the 16th. I had a guy buying a case of red bull yesterday. I shit a brick.

At 11:49 PM, Blogger Maj said...

One thing that continually pisses me off about the express lanes in stores are the signs. The vast majority of them are marked "Ten (or whatever number) Items or Less."

It angers me that these signs, which are EVERYWHERE, in large businesses, all bear a blatant grammatical error. "Less" is for use with amount of something, while "fewer" is correct when dealing with numerical quantities. For instance: "I drank less milk, but she ate fewer cookies."

I realize that it is, unfortuantely, a rather common error (probably because of the abundance of poorly-written signs.)

I do, however, find it ironic that you repeated the same error in your post about how much stupidity pisses you off.

And to Justin up there: if the three jars count as one item, you are only subtracting two.

At 12:54 AM, Blogger Justin (Wade) said...

yeah yeah, I just re-read the whole thing and redid my math. I would delete my older comment to save face but that would be just admitting defeat, Dave I apologize for my stupid comment.

At 4:56 AM, Blogger Erubadhriel said...

you know what i hate? pedants.

*looks at maj*


but i do hate it when i've gone down the street to grab something, and i'm standing there with just that one thing i need and get stuck behind some twat with a half full trolley. some people a nice and let you go first cos you've just got that one thing, but most people are c***s. i'm with you dave. people can go get knotted.

At 5:27 AM, Blogger Pawkeshup said...

My favorite is when a customer goes to the Cash Only line and tries to pay with a card of some sort, then gets pissed and storms off.

At 7:36 PM, Blogger Shinkada said...

It makes me happy that I'm not the only person out there who thinks like this.

It also makes me happy that most of these people are doing actual cool jobs (journalism, writing books, music, etc).

I see this often, and me and my friend prefer to take a more subtle approach. We mostly just stand until we're JUST in hearing range, then whisper things about them while scoffing back laughter. They rarely say anything about it, but you can tell by their red faces that you've just created one hell of a seed of doubt as to how many people are looking at them like the selfish fucktard they are.

At 1:58 AM, Blogger Anywien said...

i think i just wet my pants, holy shit that was epic win. thank you, good sir.


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