[GM]Dave Hates StrangersThis may surprise you, but little things piss me off.
That is why I don't like people very much (read: That is why I HATE PEOPLE SO MUCH).
Every time I'm around people, someone always manages to find a way to anger me.
Some of you may be thinking that it's just me.
You'd be wrong.
It's everybody else.
Yes, I do tend to get incredibly pissed off by the stupidity of others. I admit that.
But who the hell wouldn't?
If you're not pissed off by the stupid shit that people do, then you're just not paying attention enough.
I'd call it a mass conspiracy, but I don't think these people would have the intellect to organize something like that.
I'm honestly surprised that some of them can even tie their own shoes.
Could you imagine a conference call?
Idiot1>> Ah! Everything is going as planned.
Idiot2>> Yes, we'll drive him insane soon enough.
Idiot1>> We should get Fred on the phone.
Idiot1>> He's in charge of phase 2.
Idiot1>> Shit... I hit the wrong button.
Idiot1>> Do you know how to make a conference call?
Idiot1>> ... Shit.
It'd be funny if it weren't so sad.
And probably true.
Just today, I was in the grocery store. I had to pick up a case of Red Bull.
This would be 1 item.
That's an important part of the story.
Because I only had 1 item, I went to the express line.
Ten items or less.
This is also an important part of the story.
Are you writing these down?
So, I'm waiting in the express ten items or less line when I notice the woman ahead of me.
Usually, if I notice a woman, it's because she's attractive.
This was not the case.
Actually, this was so far from being the case that it was a little frightening.
I actually checked her forehead for the white hand of Saruman.
No, I noticed this lady because she is in my express, ten items or less line with 16 items.
For those of you who may be unfamiliar with math, let me break it down for you: 16 is not less than or equal to 10.
From this, I can assume she is either:
a) in the wrong aisle
c) in the wrong aisle because she's retarded
d) trying to give me a brain tumor
I thought about saying something to her, but then realized how incredibly rude that would be. A reasonable man wouldn't say something to a person in this situation. He'd just let it go.
[GM]Dave>> Excuse me...
[GM]Dave>> Are you retarded?
Of course I had to talk to her. If I didn't let this shit out, I'd end up climbing a tower with a high power rifle.
Rifles are expensive.
Lady>> What did you say to me?!
[GM]Dave>> I'm sorry.
[GM]Dave>> ARE YOU RETARDED?
[GM]Dave>> Maybe I should use smaller words.
Lady>> How dare you?!
Lady>> Why would you say something like that?
[GM]Dave>> Do you know how much rifles cost?
Lady>> What are you talking about?
[GM]Dave>> Are you too stupid to read the sign?
[GM]Dave>> Or too stupid to understand it?
[GM]Dave>> Or too stupid to do math?
[GM]Dave>> Seriously. Just pick one.
Lady>> I don't know what you mean.
[GM]Dave>> I will try to contain my surprise.
[GM]Dave>> This is the express lane.
[GM]Dave>> And the express lane is for people with 10 items or less.
[GM]Dave>> You should be in the aisle marked 16 items plus brain damage.
Lady>> I don't have 16 items.
[GM]Dave>> This should be good.
[GM]Dave>> How do you not have 16 items?
Lady>> I have three jars of peanut butter.
Lady>> That only counts as one item.
[GM]Dave>> I think my brain just died.
[GM]Dave>> Do me a favor: count the jars.
Lady>> There are three of them.
[GM]Dave>> So that would count as how many items?
[GM]Dave>> She's trying to communicate.
[GM]Dave>> I can tell.
Lady>> Three of the same thing counts as one item.
[GM]Dave>> First off, that's remarkably stupid.
[GM]Dave>> I mean like epic level stupid.
[GM]Dave>> Second, even if I were to accept this new math...
[GM]Dave>> You still have 14 items.
[GM]Dave>> What the hell do you need three jars of peanut butter for?
Lady>> I've never been so insulted before!
[GM]Dave>> And you're tremendously ugly.
[GM]Dave>> How you feeling now?
Finally, she paid for her (16) purchases, turned with a huff, and stomped off.
I could finally relax.
Then I noticed the lady directly behind me.
[GM]Dave>> Excuse me...